you have survived every moment of your life
even the ones you swore you wouldn't
He takes the affection where he can get it, even in the guise of a veritable stranger whose goals and opinions are shrouded and far from his understanding. His mentor would be ripping his ear apart for lowering his guard so much, but it has often been a risk that pays off, and she had always grumbled about that. Though she'd likely have far more to say than just that after the woman reveals her parentage. It doesn't bother him necessarily, though he doesn't know the gods well enough to inspire any kind of awe at her existence. Instead he merely listens, understanding what she is trying to say and encourage but unable to do much more than stare apathetically at the proverbial outstretched hand.
"Memories were the only thing that kept me breathing, that kept me from joining her sooner than she'd want. I wish I had, before I was brought here. Memories are only all the more cruel when I've been robbed of ever seeing her again even in death." The bitterness is deep and acidic, and it's not Mort's fault but Harper blames him all the same. "It's a burden that might not be mine to carry, but there's no escaping it either." Nothing he can think of that will bring him any kind of peace, of resolution. There is only agony and hatred at the injustice of this world he never wanted to come to.
Even so he sits like a dog kicked one too many times, giving her the decency of at least listening to her words, absorbing and comprehending them even if he cannot summon an outward reaction. "Merely alive," he says quietly, aware that he has not been living since he was thrown into Caido. He has been acting maybe, going through the motions. And there were genuine moments of joy, companionship, something that might have become love given time and attention. But it all seems overshadowed by everything he has lost in one fell swoop. His parents, lost so young. His mentor. The students he'd lost to war. Tova. It's so much more than just love. "Loving one single person, cultivating new relationships...it will never outweigh what I've lost. I can't see any way past that." And though Harper has never been the suicidal type, too stubborn and burned by the world's cruelties, always reaching for better and happier things, his reach has finally fallen short.
"Memories were the only thing that kept me breathing, that kept me from joining her sooner than she'd want. I wish I had, before I was brought here. Memories are only all the more cruel when I've been robbed of ever seeing her again even in death." The bitterness is deep and acidic, and it's not Mort's fault but Harper blames him all the same. "It's a burden that might not be mine to carry, but there's no escaping it either." Nothing he can think of that will bring him any kind of peace, of resolution. There is only agony and hatred at the injustice of this world he never wanted to come to.
Even so he sits like a dog kicked one too many times, giving her the decency of at least listening to her words, absorbing and comprehending them even if he cannot summon an outward reaction. "Merely alive," he says quietly, aware that he has not been living since he was thrown into Caido. He has been acting maybe, going through the motions. And there were genuine moments of joy, companionship, something that might have become love given time and attention. But it all seems overshadowed by everything he has lost in one fell swoop. His parents, lost so young. His mentor. The students he'd lost to war. Tova. It's so much more than just love. "Loving one single person, cultivating new relationships...it will never outweigh what I've lost. I can't see any way past that." And though Harper has never been the suicidal type, too stubborn and burned by the world's cruelties, always reaching for better and happier things, his reach has finally fallen short.
this time is no different
you will last
