a reflection that nobody really knows

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

"There are few consequences if there is no one on my bridge." Remi murmured. Because that was the thing about it. Before, he'd had a revolving door on his heart and no locks upon anything. Everyone came and went as they pleased. Now that the way was treacherous and small, Remi found he quite enjoyed the silence. He enjoyed the lack of responsibilities. "You know if you'd only just abandon me none of it would even matter." The Alchemist said, meaning the words as a joke, but hearing the ring of truth in them despite his intentions.

Pulling in a breath, Remi genuinely considered. "Selfishness is so easy, Vai." He admitted. " I don't need anything from anyone—" Save Ronin, but that went without saying. "—so there's no reason for me to be nice or kind. No reason to care, really. All that's left is to be that way simply because it is the right thing to do...Once I knew what that was. I really thought I did, anyway." Manipulated by those governing Northaven into thinking they really did know what was best, that being gay was abhorrent. That doing what he was told was obligatory because of who and what he was and where he was born. "Now I have no idea. And I'm quite sure my own moral compass hasn't worked in a long while."

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing

Vervain

”No, I suppose it wouldn’t,” Vai murmured, her tone airy like they were considering one of her fairytales. ”Unfortunately, I can’t and won’t abandon you. You can’t stop people loving you, Remi, even if you can’t care in return.” She smiled, reaching her free arm around him in a hug.

Her eyes still closed, she listened as he spoke, nodding in as much understanding as she could muster. ”It sounds infuriating,” she said, ”to be caught in that paradox. You’d think that if you were truly selfish, you’d know and be able to do exactly what you want, and not care about the rest. Why is it causing you so much upset, so much debate?”

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

"I do want to care." Remi murmured, not deserving even an ounce of the kindness and understanding she was showing him. "And in my mind, I do care about you. It's just...when you don't feel much it's so easy for what you do feel to just push everything else out."

Gods if Vai wasn't full of precisely the right sort of questions to cut through the bullshit and get to the quick of it all. "A lifetime of caring, I suppose. It isn't like I'm unaware of what I've become...how I treat people and how they look at me. I met a man who said my problem was caring too deeply, and that's why I've stopped. It sounded far too poetic to be sure, too...I don't know. Self-important."

But was it?

"I think Ronin is really what is causing the debate, not that he knows. I'd run away with him and never come back if I could. I'd build us a paradise somewhere far, far away. Then I wouldn't have to answer any of these questions. But since he wouldn't actually leave and I couldn't ask it of him, I...think I need to be better, if only so that he doesn't have to deal with the me that everyone else sees."

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing

Vervain

”You’ve been through more than I would ever have expected,” Vai said, not coming to his defence so much as... saying it how it was. ”And honestly, the way you are now? I’d consider it the best case scenario, as sad as that is for me to admit.” Remi might have cracked completely. Might have turned his destructive feelings on the world, might have ended his life and succeeded. Might have become a husk, uncaring even of Ronin.

Vai gave him a gentle squeeze, her thumb running across his own. ”And you think Ronin cares about dealing with you, the you that everyone else sees?” she asked. ”I’ve not seen that man do anything but love you as you are, Remi. If you think you need to be better... I think it’s because you’re the one who’s conflicted. You have a paradise here. You could withdraw from everything, just live your life with Ronin. Or is it that he’s still trying to make a difference that’s the issue...?”

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

Remi exhaled a disgruntled and bottled-up breath. She wasn't wrong of course and it wasn't new information but...No one had spoken to him so baldly, not even Ronin really. Ianto might once have, had he stuck around. But that was yet another example of someone Remi had pushed away with his selfishness.

"No, and that's the problem. Like you, I'll never be able to sever the ropes he's extended to me. That makes them all the more worthy of protecting, infinite though they are." That was the real paradox. He could push Ronin to the breaking point and knew he'd come back. Would always come back. That's why it was so important never to test those pivot points; or to avoid them, at the very least.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Remi just shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think I resent him for that, but I might. What Safrin wants of Ronin is much more...active than what Ludo expects of me in some ways. Sometimes I can't tell which of us is being dragged down the path by the other."

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing

Vervain

”That’s the most sure about yourself you’ve sounded since I started speaking with you,” Vai said affectionately. ”Those ropes are worthy of protecting. Hold the things that are dear to you - hold them tight. That’s what I’ve learned.” She nodded, watching the rain patter against the bubble of nothing around them. ”I’ll give you one thing, though - never have I seen a relationship like yours. Pulled to and fro by gods... it’s like there are four of you participating, instead of two.”

Humming a note of curiosity to herself, Vai absently smoothed out a crease in Remi’s shirt. ”Maybe that’s where both of you could do with some help,” she said. ”Separating your relationship to each other to your obligations to deities. Then it won’t matter where Ronin goes and how you feel. You’ll know that paradise is waiting at home, whenever you open the door.”

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

Remi's smile grew instantly at that. It was boyish and crooked, but genuine and joyful just the same. "Back in Northaven we'd never have been anything more than awkward friends." It was laughable to think of those days now, of Remi making explosive devices for Ronin's training sessions, totally ignorant of the love that would bloom between them. "Two..four...the entire damn world, he's worth it." Remi said in a soft voice that hid none of his affection, nor tried to.

Remi let himself be fussed over despite the fact that of all the things the Alchemist had become, clean-pressed would never be one. "Ahh, but that's just the thing. Demigods of life and death...one raised from the dead, one with a soul held in limbo...one who kills, one who saves...Do you think we could ever really leave it all behind?" And then, much more darkly, the heart of it all: "Do you think there will never come a day when Ludo and Safrin's differences manifest in us, in what we are tasked with?"

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing

Vervain

”I got to watch you two as awkward friends here in Caido, before you fell into each other. Adorable as it was, I think the entire world breathed its relief when it finally happened.” Vai grinned at him, pleasantly warmed by the heat of him against her. ”Hold him tight then, Remi. You found him, so don’t ever let go.” She kissed his curls, attention drawn briefly by a purr of thunder overhead.

Scoffing at his dark premonitions, Vai couldn’t help herself, and when she spoke she sounded certain. ”No, I don’t think that day will ever come,” she said simply. ”I think you and Ronin would lay down your weapons and your allegiances and go down together, rather than be at odds with one another.”

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

"And he only had to go and die before I could finally tell him how I felt." Remi replied, rolling his eyes at himself and shaking his head in disbelief. "It's why I had to go to him...during LongNight. The thought of him outside, nearly a week gone...darkness and monsters and he as the only light. It got to the point I couldn't think anymore, save for knowing I had to go to him." The Alchemist added, knowing that his actions didn't need any further discussion, but finding the thread of their previous conversation tangled anew in this one.

That sounded exactly right to Remi's ears, and he nodded fervently. "There is no force on earth that could turn me against Ronin." He agreed.

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing

Vervain

”Luckily for you, even death couldn’t keep him down. Look at you both now.” Vai smiled, because for all of the darkness that had filled the cracks in the two men, there was no doubt in her mind as to how much they meant to one another. She exhaled a soft sigh as he continued about Longnight, understanding more now than she had, as best as she was able at least. Vai nodded, sitting up now to reach out and touch a hand to his cheek, giving it a mischievous pinch for his trouble.

”Then for all your philosophising,” she said, ”it seems like Remi Taliesin knows what he wants and what he doesn’t want. All he needs to do now is figure out how exactly he wants to show up for it.” The rain began to ease off a bit, so Vai took that as an opportunity to finish the trek home. ”Can I tempt you with the walk back and some tea? Or do you want to sit some more?” she asked him.

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

"You can always tempt me with that." Remi agreed, before brushing a few more star-shaped pebbles across Aoife's grave. "She's heard enough for today anyways, I think." He said of Aoife who was no doubt laughing in Vanya's arms rather than listening to his troubles. That's what he hoped at least. How wrong he was.

Rising and offering a hand to Vai that she might do the same, he tugged her close and wrapped his arms around her, his hug communicating all the things his words could not. "Home and tea it is." He said finally, pulling back and offering the witch a roguish and youthful smile.

~FIN

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing