NATE
Nate is caught, stuck fast between a rock and a hard place, vulnerability like this still a relatively new feeling to him. To have knowingly put himself in this place goes against everything he knows, but he’s been breaking old habits, unlearning old defences since he came here. Since he met Sunjata. Gods know there’s no way he’d be able to do this without his fiancés support. Without this bond, an open channel where all of his discomfort can be assuaged by understanding, by comfort, by love, he’d have fallen silent long ago, lapsed back into humour and misdirection.
I chose it though. If I hadn’t fucking wanted to be a part of all of it, I never would have gotten that deep. Sharing hasn’t removed the load, the regret, the self loathing, but it’s made the load a little lighter, a little easier to hold. The only reason I survived it is because I came here though. When Bart got sick, I needed money, and I needed connections, and I made a lot of deals with people I shouldn’t have. If he were speaking out loud, these words would blur together, Nate trying to get through it quickly, not wanting to linger, but wanting everything out.
His head shifts, presses in against Sunjata’s shoulder. It feels like forever since he’s been able to be held, even if this is made awkward by the shape they’re in. Nate wants to keep sharing, but he’s coming to a point where’s he’s picked too much at a scar, where the edges are starting to come up and overwhelm him. Automatically, his mind grasps at the closest subject, reaching out and back to land on the most obvious.
I’d never be able to have someone like you back there. A short huff leaves Nate, claws dipping out just to grasp at the other, like he’ll disappear if he’s not held onto. I’d never be able to trust anyone like this.
I chose it though. If I hadn’t fucking wanted to be a part of all of it, I never would have gotten that deep. Sharing hasn’t removed the load, the regret, the self loathing, but it’s made the load a little lighter, a little easier to hold. The only reason I survived it is because I came here though. When Bart got sick, I needed money, and I needed connections, and I made a lot of deals with people I shouldn’t have. If he were speaking out loud, these words would blur together, Nate trying to get through it quickly, not wanting to linger, but wanting everything out.
His head shifts, presses in against Sunjata’s shoulder. It feels like forever since he’s been able to be held, even if this is made awkward by the shape they’re in. Nate wants to keep sharing, but he’s coming to a point where’s he’s picked too much at a scar, where the edges are starting to come up and overwhelm him. Automatically, his mind grasps at the closest subject, reaching out and back to land on the most obvious.
I’d never be able to have someone like you back there. A short huff leaves Nate, claws dipping out just to grasp at the other, like he’ll disappear if he’s not held onto. I’d never be able to trust anyone like this.
Let’s admit, without apology,
what we do to each other
what we do to each other
