[Training] we had a marvelous time

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

Indeed, Amalia feels like an extension of himself sat the way they are. With her emotions flowing through him and his wings surrounding them both, he is filled with love and caring for her in a way that eclipses the selfish and distant affect he'd been trying so hard to maintain. Hey. Don't. He sighs into her mind, letting his hand fall away from his chest to wrap around her instead, hugging her close. It isn't Amalia's fault that she feels the way she does, not her choice to have someone share those things with her either. What he absolutely does not want, is for her to feel at all judged by him. If anything, it would be impossible for him to do so now, with all her emotions fitting together like puzzle-pieces. There is no miscommunication here, nothing left out. He feels the whole of it, and can put the pieces together well enough to see the story that they portray.

Letting her move away, his wings vast enough to allow the extra distance, Remi runs a weary hand through his curls. "No, I should be sorry. You didn't ask for this. You didn't invite me to feel any of that." Though he hasn't in a very, very long time, the Alchemist looks properly sorry. He looks the way he once did, boyishly sympathetic and wanting nothing more to fix, and help, and heal.

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever

and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

It's slowly dawning on her just what this new change in their dynamic means, and with realization comes a new rush of emotions Amalia cannot contain. Literally, now- a terrifying thought, fear surging through her in a rapid current, followed swiftly by shame. She knows she is a mess, always has been, that everything she feels she feels more keenly than she reasonably should. And as much as she tries (and fails) to hide some, there is so much more she doesn't show. Things she wants to protect her loved ones from.

Things that might make them look at her so very differently, if they knew.

She wonders if he can feel how scared she is, how much she hates herself for feeling anything at all. A minute ago Amalia would have laughed and called herself an open book, but now that it is true she feels so much more vulnerable than she could ever dream. And Remi hadn't asked for any of it, hadn't wanted her here at all. How much better off would they both be, if she had listened and stayed away?

Shuddering she curls more tightly in on herself as though that might keep her safe, lock away those poorly-kept secrets that he will still feel because of course they are still touching, wrapped within each other and his wing. "I'm sorry," Amalia mumbles again, familiar panic clawing at her throat as she becomes more painfully aware of her own emotions than she would really like to be. "I'm sorry, oh gods Remi, I'm so sorry-" You must think I'm a mess.

Amalia

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

Everything he pushed away, everything he claimed had been charred and ground to dust left to blow through the cockles of his heart like some dusty and dry storm, was back as if it had never gone. Like an evergreen the Alchemist's emotional range is somehow...restored, though perhaps that's painting it with too pretty an image. Really, it's that he's forced to take off his blinders. Even he can't lie to himself anymore.

Trying to open the attuned bond between them as much as is possible so that she won't feel so vulnerable in her emotions, Remi just tightens his wings around her. Not suffocating her, or so he hopes, but holding her.

It was so easy to hate you all after Aoife died. He begins, telling her things he'd only admitted to Ronin. It gave me something to focus my anger on, that wasn't her. Why have friends at all, when friendship can't stop the loss of a child. Especially put here as we were, with no one to console us but each other, it... There is a dry mental laugh as he shakes his head, ...gods it was so easy, Amalia. I think it was the easiest thing I've ever done. There is shame coming from him, of course, but it is made buoyant by his honesty. By this latent admission. I thought if I didn't care anymore, I could never hurt that way again. Maybe if I was truly capable of that it would have worked, but I...I don't think I ever stopped. I just channelled it all into something dark. Recklessness was an easy disguise for being afraid.

Reaching for her again, if only so she'll look at him, his sea-glass stare grows glassy with tears again, but he doesn't bother to brush them away. I think I wanted to die, that night you found Ronin and I. I was tired and dying in his arms... It's a weary, shame-filled, but entirely genuinely sort of smile he gives her. And then after, when you saved me, I did realize I wanted to live, and I hated you for showing me that. Because it was so much easier not to know.

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever

and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

He holds her close as she tries to escape, and that alone calms her somewhat. Jagged breathing evens out beneath the pressure of his wings, the soothing isolation of feeling the world slip away and knowing he has not rejected her, will not cast her out into it having found out who she is. Breathing deeply Amalia strives to calm her mind enough to give him space to make his own admissions, to be a point of strength to him as he has been to her so many times before.

So she listens, making more room for him inside her soul as he crashes and breaks. The confession is something she might have pieced together herself, yet it means that much more to hear it, feel it, to feel him as he shares the pain she cannot begin to imagine. Slowly the Shield shifts and uncoils, her body changing into a softer version, a warmer version, the leopardess moving to coil around him with a deep and empathetic purr. You could never stop caring, she says almost lightly, her own bright and unexpected burst of amusement catching her by surprise. You of all people... but I think I understand, what it's like to wish you didn't. It would be so much easier.

She sighs deeply, not judgmental for once, only tired in her understanding, in the way his words resonate with something similarly broken in her own soul. I know, is the only soft reply, her head shifting to press against him as her eyes fall closed.

Remi, I... it's nice, I think. To be understood. I hate it, but... thank you. For not pushing me away. For saving me. A smile curves at her dark lips, something almost teasing entering her voice. Affection for him swells within her. For being my hero this time.

Amalia

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

So much easier. The Alchemist agrees.

It's a beautiful thing, to truly know that she knows. That she does understand. That luminosity penetrates through him, releasing whatever leftover tension there is between them (or at least, from him to her). There are very few people who could understand the build-up that could lead to such an admission, and in feeling such deep empathy from Amalia makes him feel disgracefully selfish and ignorant for having discarded her in a time that she alone might have been able to help.

Well, I don't think we need to go that far. He chuckles, his mental voice dark and bemused as he pulls in a deep breath. If neither of us is ever in a position to save each other like this again, it will be too soon. Best that they stick to pulling the other from fires and the jaws of monsters than from the deathly preludes of their own making.

You're always welcome here, you know. And not just by Aoife's grave. There will always be room for you inside. To crash, to hide, to just be un-guarded for a while. His fingers slip against the dark and light patches of her fur, instinctively knowing places that might spark feline-relaxation. Sugar is the top predator in the house of course, but so long as you can deal with that... His smile is boyish in the warm dark of his wings, and she'll feel it more than she'll likely be able to see it. ..you will always be welcome.

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever

and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

She almost laughs at the idea that they won't wind up in a similar situation sooner than later: history tells a very different story, after all. Still, it is good to know that the next time she finds herself sinking there will be someone there to drag her from the mire, someone who understands and accepts her, who knows exactly who she is. Oh, the thought is still terrifying to be sure, but at the moment Amalia can only be grateful. She is too tired to consider the other implications, too reluctantly relieved that she is here, alive.

Eyes fall closed as she listens to his mental voice, the rumble of her purr permeating the quiet. His offer strikes her in a way she truly had not expected; again the Shield nearly sobs, gratitude for something she didn't know she needed warring with immediate anxiety for what it means. I don't think Deimos would be pleased, she responds wryly, unable to hold back the bitterness that sours her thoughts. And... it would be wrong of me. To do that to him. He loves me so much and tries so hard to help me. It isn't his fault that...

She stops abruptly, suddenly realizing the implications of what she's saying and what she isn't, that he will be able to feel the doubts and insecurities that have been gnawing away at her for longer than she'd care to admit. It's not- I do- I love him, she clarifies, justifies before she he can question it. But I feel like--- gods, I'm sorry. Never mind. I'll stop. Stop speaking, anyway- her emotions continue to scream and howl louder than the sea.

Amalia

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

No, he probably wouldn't. The Alchemist agrees easily.  He might have found his emotional well again after all this time, but he'd also learned the value of not drowning everything in sugar to make it more digestible. And you're right that it isn't his fault...but it isn't yours either. Ronin and I...we nearly lost each other in all of this, but I think we had to. Pretending it was all okay and carrying on by ourselves would have ended us.  He doesn't brace against her despite the unhappy memories, merely pulls in a deep breath as his fingers spread to feel the vibrations of her purr through her body.

The honesty was brutal and devastating. But if we hadn't come clean with one another...it would have ended. That didn't mean it wasn't the most terrifying thing he'd ever done. Throwing his wedding ring, pushing them to edge just to see what would happen. Would they jump together? Would they both call a halt? Would one of them pull up in time?

Ronin has been there through every change...through every darkest day. Not to fix, or pander, or educate, but...just as a place to rest. I'm always safe with him when the world is crashing down around us. The attuned bond isn't quite like what his new magic is, but the Alchemist tries to send as much of the inarticulate aspects of what he's trying to describe towards Amalia as he can.

Safety. That is the biggest one. Remi is always safe with Ronin, no matter what he has done or what darkness he's given in to. There is no judgement, hell, sometimes there isn't even understanding. But what there always is, are two arms to hold him, and the belief that he truly is loved for everything that he is.

There is a time for a brave face...but there is also a time to rest, and heal. Remi thinks softly.

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever

and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

I am very tired of pretending, Amalia admits, tears pricking cruel and uninvited at the corners of her eyes. It's true, though: the girl, the baker, the Shield is weary, trapped within herself. For all the emotions she wears on her sleeves a sea of them lurks below the surface, too easily tapped, too restless, too raw.

She works so hard to hide them, especially from Deimos. But despite her efforts to bury it down, the anguish doesn't end.

I think I feel things too deeply. Closing her eyes as tears drip down, Amalia exhales. Deimos has given me so much. Helped me come out of my shell, see the light in the world. In myself. And he's always been there, always tried to be strong for me, to fix me when I get... like this. Resentment rankles her thoughts, a long-held exhaustion. The girl who had needed help finding the sun... she isn't that girl anymore.

Any yet. What kind of person would I be to abandon him when he needs me? When he's never done anything - anything - wrong?

Amalia

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

I know how that feels. Remi agrees. It is...a very strange sort of weight. It threatens to become comfortable, if you let it.

Amalia's description resonates so perfectly with his own experiences, Remi wonders how he could have been anything but unwaveringly understanding of her. The line between love and hate might be a fine one, but the Alchemist suddenly thinks perhaps that those who are most similar to us in our brokenness, probably also look the most wicked. Reaching down to the large cat's face, Remi strokes both sides of her muzzle, pulling up to press back her whiskers, and finally wiping away her tears. Gritting his teeth as she describes herself in need of fixing, Remi forces himself merely to listen. He knows it is how things feel to her, even if it isn't the reality of it, and he won't invalidate her experiences.

I think...it is less about what is wrong and right, and more about what needs to happen. The Alchemist thinks. Through most of his changes, Ronin changed right along with him. Falling from the sky, Aoife, everything with Safrin, Seren...their experiences remained almost mirrored rather than simply shared. He...couldn't imagine what it might be like to be married to the soldier who came over from Northaven with him. He'd loved Ronin then to be sure, but could a marriage between who he was now, and the man Ronin was then possibly have worked? In the same vein...matched in title though they were, could the sword and shield weather all Amalia had been through?

And was about to go through?

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever

and look for the stars as the sun goes down
each breath that you take has a thunderous sound

Maybe you're right, Amalia agrees with a whuff'd sigh, turning to rub her broad head against Remi's curls. I think... I need to talk to him. And be honest, like this. It's... it's terrifying, though, y'know? What if he doesn't like the person she's becoming? What if there isn't room for him? What if all her fears are realized, and she finds herself alone?

But she isn't alone, is she? Because somehow of all the people in the world Remi has seen her - truly seen her - and yet he is still here. They're mirrors in a sense, each feeling too deeply, each adhering too strongly to their responsibilities and desperately yearning to be free. The kinship she feels with the Alchemist in this moment is deeper than the friendship they had before, the flighty, warm, and surface thing that had to break in order to be rebuilt.

She lets the silence hang for a moment, comfortable to just be with him, feeling him through the Attuned bond as he feels her very soul. Eventually she grows uncomfortable enough to move, rolling over onto her belly and fixing him with a somewhat sardonic, but still adoring, look. You realize you're never getting rid of me now, right? You had your opportunity. Now it's too late. She's joking, of course, but there's sincerity in the statement, that constant anxiety as she searches his face for acceptance and connection in a dissonant world.

Amalia

i wish i could say that i am a light that never goes out

I do know. It could all go wrong. He could...just not understand. And it's a very real possibility. No sugar, no false hope, though Remi very much doubted he was telling Amalia something she didn't already know. Something her anxiety hadn't replayed over and over again in her mind. Or you could say nothing and implode under all the pressure. He adds with a mental inflection of amusement; it's funny because it's true.

Like the Shield, the Alchemist is shockingly humbled by this strange turn of events. This kindred spirit he never knew he had in Amalia. (Perhaps this is one of the reasons Finn is drawn to them both). And further like the Shield, Remi knows that what has been forged today cannot be undone.

Glancing down, the Alchemist teasingly pokes at the feline's nose hoping to expose her sharp teeth. You're just as stuck with me. He offers, before smiling adoringly down at her. Though I suppose you knew that already.

They stay that way for a while. Tangled and broken, their ends hopelessly frayed and yet able to tie knots around what's important all the same. Some strings will break, but perhaps they'll be all the stronger for it.


~FIN

but I  f l i c k e r

from time to time

REMI

Table and Gif sniping by SKY who is eternally the best forever