Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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She stands against the wall, close to the door, to safety, and yet unable to push her way out. It feels too much like running away, like what she did to Deimos: bottle it up until it bubbles over, then release and flee the aftermath.
But at least this time they want to hear it. They don't treat her like a fragile thing, like she's wrong for being this way. The expressions on their faces aren't those of judgment, and they aren't trying to solve her mistakes. Ronin's anger, Remi's confusion- they're genuine things, honest and given freely, and despite her clenched anxiety and fear Amalia recognizes that, yearning to give the same.
"...It wasn't so easy." It feels like an anvil coming off her heart, to admit the feelings she's so firmly denied. "I can't just pretend... it's not just sex for me." As to what it is? 'Love' springs to mind, but not in the way she felt it with Deimos. She cannot find the words, language failing her as it so often does.
So it is with gratitude that she takes Remi's hand, knowing well what it will mean, the vulnerability and intimacy she's offering her friend. And really, as the Lullaby will feel, that is what she yearns for: intimacy, belonging, feeling as though she has a place in the world. Through the touch Remi will feel all of Amalia's loneliness, the underlying childish loss as she navigates being tossed adrift. Her confusion with her feelings regarding Ronin, not lust or romance but a desire to be loved, to be important to the Star who she so adores and admires, how much it meant to feel wanted by someone like him. Her deep, sisterly affection for Remi, her envy of them both and what they share. He will feel her protective love for Mateo and her desire to be part of their lives, and her uncertainty as to where they want her, if they want her-
Or if, for them, it is just sex, if she is just another passing figure in their lives. Not family, not friend, but a tolerated tag-along, an ardent child who has not yet learned how to take a hint.
Ronin wishes he could return Remi's smile, and he can only hope that the Lullaby will understand that it isn't anger he's feeling, but some strange cousin to it that he's never quite felt before. Resentment might be a good word, if only the huntsman could think of it.
So he accepts Mateo with a stiff nod of gratitude, gathering the sleeping baby against his chest and moving to take Remi's place sitting on the window sill. His eyes slip shut and his brows draw into a frown, as if he might imagine away the discomfort of the not-conversation that he's a part of.
He does hear Amalia's words, however, and the Star's jaw feathers as he tries to digest the meaning in them. His own thoughts are a caged thing, guarded fiercely under his tongue.
10-29-2020, 09:52 PM (This post was last modified: 10-29-2020, 09:52 PM by Remi.)
beside my bed i keep a bottle of dreams
She takes his hand, and the alchemist very nearly loses his balance and tumbles onto the bed. He doesn't quite, having prepped himself for the ocean of emotions that reside within the Shield. Closing his eyes—not to block her out, but to more fully focus on what he's letting in—Remi strangles the gasp that pushes over his tongue and against his closed lips.
The things Remi feels in this strange rose-gold sea do not inspire jealousy, they don't make him upset or disappointed. Instead, he tugs at her hand that he might bring her against him so he can wrap his arms around her in a tight hug. "You're alright." He whispers softly against the top of her head. On Ronin's finger and against Amalia's ear, they'll both feel the steady beat of his heart, indicating that, despite the lack of words being just said now, that it's all alright.
With a magic stronger in this sense than the attuned bond, Remi reciprocates what it is he's just done for Amalia. His emotions bleed back against her, that she too might wordlessly understand what he's feeling. And, given his closeness to Ronin, a bit of what the Star is, as well. Not just sex, for it wasn't that between Shield and Star. That she was wanted seemed to Remi to be true enough, but the importance of the moment for Ronin hadn't been in the passion or the emotional attachments potentially created, but from having a friendship pure enough to allow for sex during such a tumultuous time. Not just sex, no. But it wasn't about the sex; the importance was all the things that made the sex possible. And as for all things Remi? The Shield would feel the Lullaby's almost frenetic need to leave. How there had been little time for preparation and almost none carved out for goodbyes. He needed to go so badly, to outrun whatever might trap him here for another season or year. But no sooner has he thought that then his emotions turn black and insidious. He harbours a secret, dark and murderous, and it claws its way to the back of his throat with claws and venom that it might force itself to be known. Immediately releasing Amalia with a jump, his heart rate spiking, the alchemist takes a step back and releases a shaky breath. Unable to meet her gaze, his eyes somewhere near the ground, Remi exhales sharply and vaguely shakes his head apologetically. "Sorry." He mumbles dully, unable to saying anything more for fear of what it might do.
"Uhm..lay down. On..the bed." Remi says in a voice that sounds to his ears confused and far away.
i wake up and i go back to sleep
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
She doesn't expect the wave to return, the crash of his own emotions a firm and inky tide that wells in through the embrace he's pulled her into, more honest and deep than anything she's ever felt before. Amalia's eyes open wide, surprise washing over her before it is drowned by the steady presence of Remi in her mind, and then she is only the lullaby. The reassurance, the explanations, the intimacy she is suddenly privy to... always one to overthink, to find the trickeries in words, Amalia finds this means of communication to definitively, overwhelmingly, make sense.
"Oh," Amalia whispers into the crook of Remi's neck, tears on her cheeks and smile on the lips that curve against his skin. "Oh. I... I understand."
And then it changes, a sudden spike of black seeping through the bond. Amalia blinks in shock as she's shoved away, the cruel rage unlike anything she's ever felt, including in herself. Dark eyes widen and she stares at Remi, half tempted to ask about it, half afraid. Whatever it is the man is feeling, it is more hateful than she could ever relate to, and there are some things about Remi Amalia knows she doesn't want to know.
She's still dizzy from it when he guides her to the bed - another bizarre turn of events. Dumbly she obeys, too dizzy from the surge of emotions to ponder how odd this is, her dark eyes glancing over to Ronin. She will apologize to him later, tell him she understands in a way she couldn't before, but for now all she can do is offer him a warm and slightly sheepish smile before settling bemusedly back onto the bed.
Ronin does nothing, says nothing. He's barely looking at the two of them any longer, his hand gently patting along Mateo's back as if to distract himself, as if to make his heartbeat match the gentle motion. Because steady as Remi's pulse might be, Ronin's only grows more frenetic as time goes on, as his frustration begins to bubble towards rage, his blue eyes coldly staring out of the window and across at the lighthouse and the ocean beyond it.
There's nothing but silence and hugging and apparently some warm and fluffy bonding happening in the room behind him, and then - and then - Amalia is laying on their bed. The world seems to shrink around Ronin's periphery, and he's not sure quite what comes over him, only that the urge to break something is almost overwhelming.
He can thank the boy in his arms for keeping him anchored, but the Star is apparently just as much a victim to his Attuned shift as they are. The antlers that crown his head are still soft and covered in velvet, but they are no less an indication of threat.
With his heartbeat slowing back down to a more natural pace, thoughts of Ludo and Safrin and missing stars as banished from his thoughts as he can possibly make them, he blinks at Amalia before offering her a steady smile. "Do you trust me?" He asks, moving to the side of the bed on which she lays.
Looking over his shoulder where, like the mighty and proud and terrifying creature that he is, Ronin stands in stoic and stormy silence. The alchemist can't help the way his heart skips a beat to see the Star this way, even if the cause of it is frustration and anger. But gods if he isn't the most handsome man, and all the moreso for the baby cradled in his arms. Remi's chest expands as he pulls in a breath, holding Ronin in his sights for just a moment longer that he might imprint the way the Star looks silhouetted against the window and the stormy sea beyond, before nodding toward the bed as well. "You too." He says softly, assuming that by now, with the two of them on the bed and he to join them shortly, Ronin will understand just how it is that Remi plans for them to keep in contact with Amalia while they're away.
i wake up and i go back to sleep
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
10-29-2020, 11:00 PM (This post was last modified: 10-29-2020, 11:01 PM by Amalia.)
AmaLIa
shield of safrin
"Yes." Despite nearly drowning, their fights, the times they've saved each other, Amalia does trust Remi, now more than ever before.
And she trusts Ronin, too, even as anger radiates off him in palpable waves, the babe in his arms likely the only thing keeping him from... something. She can only imagine it's directed at her, because such is the way of the anxious mind, but if anyone has the uncanny ability to turn emotions on their heads through sheer force of will it's Remi. Whatever he has planned, it likely has a reason.
She pushed him to seeing through his own walls, once, and he's done the same to him.
Lying on the bed, Amalia looks up at the ceiling, her breath hitching nervously in her chest. Whatever Remi has planned she trusts, but she's frightened too, already raw and exposed and vulnerable, dizzy from the tsunami of emotion she's shared. Turning towards Ronin, she tries to meet his eyes, to reach him through the bond. "Please?" Amalia whispers silently and aloud, desperate remove the wedge between them created by her own ineptitude.
No, Ronin wants to say. No, you have had plenty enough of me, and I'm not giving you any more. He rocks Mateo as gently as he can, blue eyes flat and still focused out of the window, and any attempt to reach him through the Attuned bond is slapped away like a whipcrack, only a muted need for solitude to be found there. He needed out of this situation far beyond now, and as Remi's request for him to join them on the bed seeps through, the Star nearly puts his foot through the glass pane instead.
But he doesn't ultimately, moving to set Mateo down in the bassinet, taking his time about it and wrangling his antlers away with more willpower than he expects to have to find. Once he's finished, he does move to lay down on the bed, his arms folded, his eyes on the ceiling. "Just do it."
Gods if Remi doesn't love Ronin for all of this. Not despite it. But because of it. This roguish man, this difficult beast, this piece of his soul. Looking down at Amalia, Remi smiles and nods. "You're going to fall asleep. We'll be with you shortly." He says, and before she might worry or ask questions or protest, his hand is on her forehead, and his magic is sinking into her. He could keep her there indefinitely if he wished. She would die on this bed, unable to be awoken (by anyone except Ronin). It was a beautiful, but deadly thing he could do, and the gravity of it is not lost on him for a second.
However as he turns to Ronin, Remi's expression is one of unfettered adoration. Moving to the huntsman's side of the bed (which is actually his side of the bed, Amalia has just taken Ronin's), the alchemist leans down to press a kiss against his husband's lips, even if the Star remains broody and tight-lipped against it. "I love you more than anything, and everything." He says softly, lifting one leg over the Star so that he might fit himself in the space between he and the Shield. There is a moment where Remi wants to linger, to playfully rest himself atop the huntsman, and though he knows it isn't what Ronin wants, the alchemist still needs to force himself not to linger. But wanting Ronin is nothing new, and they both know it.
"Sleep, then." Remi whispers with boyish softness as he lays down, his cheek on the bed so he can see Ronin. Reaching for the Star's hand, they all fall asleep.
...
The world is a velvety purple without texture or depth. The created worlds which belong to the Taliesin's haven't been recreated here. Instead, it's a world on the brink of dusk, and the three of them stand on the shores of some eternal sea. "This is the dream world." Remi explains. "Ronin and I...we can navigate it here. And now that we've dreamed with you, we can find you in it, no matter where we are." It was a one-way form of communication, Amalia not being able to find them while she was asleep, but it would do until something else could be devised.
i wake up and i go back to sleep
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Amalia sleeps at Remi's instruction, her eyes falling shut. It's a better quality of sleep than she's had in months, and as unconsciousness slips over her she is unaware of Ronin coming to join, nor any activities that occur on the bed.
Really, it's for the best.
She becomes aware of the vast empty space and the men beside her in a sleepy sort of haze, blinking and looking around in confusion at the vast twilight sea. "It's beautiful," she murmurs somewhat breathlessly, looking around the empty space with all of the potential of a dream.
There's a shy look in her eye when she turns back to Remi and Ronin, having stepped away through the dreamscape to give them some space. "Thank you. I... thank you. And Ronin... I'm sorry. I'm not good at making sense of my feelings sometimes- most of the time- but Remi helped, helped me understand better. And I... I'm sorry for making it weird." Chagrined, she rubs at her arm sheepishly, looking at her toes.
”Mm...” Ronin’s agreement might be monosyllabic, but his lips do soften against Remi’s. For a moment the touch between them will allow the Star’s tightly wound anger to leak through; electric white frustration at having to hold his tongue against conversations he wants and needs to have with Remi; the swamp grey sensation of being an other, an extra to whatever Lullaby and Shield are sharing. There’s the hot threads of desperate love warring with the mires of possessiveness, and the pale shadows of regret and resentment overshadowing it all.
Ronin is a mess. And then he is asleep.
When his eyes blink open he’s on a violet shore he doesn’t recognise, and he can sense Remi and Amalia out of the corner of his eye. His hands are wedged in his pockets and he absently nibbles at the inside of his cheek as he watches the waves lap to and fro. ”I’m glad he was able to help you,” he says quietly. ”If it’s all the same, now is not a good time for me to talk.”
Though by no means are the Lullaby and the Star any template to be followed when it comes to relationships, the alchemist still thinks what Ronin says next is an example to all of them. Rarely does Remi heed his own emotions, especially when they get strong. Amalia runs from hers, but for Ronin to be able to call himself out on the things he's feeling, and what he can and can't do? It's admirable, to say the least, and in response, the world grows a bit more golden for the affection the Lullaby feels for the man standing on his own against the violet shoreline.
"Guide us out then, won't you?" He asks of Ronin, this being the way their magic works together. One to dream, and one to awaken. Without the other, none of this would be possible.
i wake up and i go back to sleep
Coding base by Sky!
Speaks with a thick Italian accent.
Force and magic can be used against Remi without permission.
Ronin's continued anger stabs deep into her chest, but this time Amalia doesn't turn away from it, only flinches slightly. As the world ripples with gold of Remi's love so too does it gain a soft dark glow of pre-dawn starlight, lilac joining the edges of the world.
She glances to Remi at his suggestion, tilting her head in thought. "Or maybe just me," the Shield suggests softly, dark eyes flicking between the men. "I'll look after Mateo. You said you needed to talk."
And if they wake up and find their room surprisingly clean and many of their things packed, well, what else might they have expected from a baker made to make amends?
The gold and the lilac are marred by the storm of the Star's subconscious; a blooming black cloud on the horizon that threatens to swallow it all, and he buries his hands deeper in his pockets at the suggestion that Amalia will leave the dream alone (and the less said about his thoughts regarding her taking their child, the better). "That isn't how it works," he mutters softly, taking a breath and focusing on his emotions, bitter as they might be. Regardless, they still fracture out of him in waves of starlight, and it's this that will eventually bring them into wakefulness.
Ronin begins to walk, trusting them to follow his light, until the hazy depth of the dreamworld starts to fade to the clarity of wakefulness. The Star's eyes blink open and he rubs at his forehead, carefully sitting himself up to perch on the end of the bed. He props his elbows on his knees, patiently waiting for Amalia to take her leave before he can speak with his husband.
