AmaLIa
shield of safrin
She stands against the wall, close to the door, to safety, and yet unable to push her way out. It feels too much like running away, like what she did to Deimos: bottle it up until it bubbles over, then release and flee the aftermath.
But at least this time they want to hear it. They don't treat her like a fragile thing, like she's wrong for being this way. The expressions on their faces aren't those of judgment, and they aren't trying to solve her mistakes. Ronin's anger, Remi's confusion- they're genuine things, honest and given freely, and despite her clenched anxiety and fear Amalia recognizes that, yearning to give the same.
"...It wasn't so easy." It feels like an anvil coming off her heart, to admit the feelings she's so firmly denied. "I can't just pretend... it's not just sex for me." As to what it is? 'Love' springs to mind, but not in the way she felt it with Deimos. She cannot find the words, language failing her as it so often does.
So it is with gratitude that she takes Remi's hand, knowing well what it will mean, the vulnerability and intimacy she's offering her friend. And really, as the Lullaby will feel, that is what she yearns for: intimacy, belonging, feeling as though she has a place in the world. Through the touch Remi will feel all of Amalia's loneliness, the underlying childish loss as she navigates being tossed adrift. Her confusion with her feelings regarding Ronin, not lust or romance but a desire to be loved, to be important to the Star who she so adores and admires, how much it meant to feel wanted by someone like him. Her deep, sisterly affection for Remi, her envy of them both and what they share. He will feel her protective love for Mateo and her desire to be part of their lives, and her uncertainty as to where they want her, if they want her-
Or if, for them, it is just sex, if she is just another passing figure in their lives. Not family, not friend, but a tolerated tag-along, an ardent child who has not yet learned how to take a hint.
But at least this time they want to hear it. They don't treat her like a fragile thing, like she's wrong for being this way. The expressions on their faces aren't those of judgment, and they aren't trying to solve her mistakes. Ronin's anger, Remi's confusion- they're genuine things, honest and given freely, and despite her clenched anxiety and fear Amalia recognizes that, yearning to give the same.
"...It wasn't so easy." It feels like an anvil coming off her heart, to admit the feelings she's so firmly denied. "I can't just pretend... it's not just sex for me." As to what it is? 'Love' springs to mind, but not in the way she felt it with Deimos. She cannot find the words, language failing her as it so often does.
So it is with gratitude that she takes Remi's hand, knowing well what it will mean, the vulnerability and intimacy she's offering her friend. And really, as the Lullaby will feel, that is what she yearns for: intimacy, belonging, feeling as though she has a place in the world. Through the touch Remi will feel all of Amalia's loneliness, the underlying childish loss as she navigates being tossed adrift. Her confusion with her feelings regarding Ronin, not lust or romance but a desire to be loved, to be important to the Star who she so adores and admires, how much it meant to feel wanted by someone like him. Her deep, sisterly affection for Remi, her envy of them both and what they share. He will feel her protective love for Mateo and her desire to be part of their lives, and her uncertainty as to where they want her, if they want her-
Or if, for them, it is just sex, if she is just another passing figure in their lives. Not family, not friend, but a tolerated tag-along, an ardent child who has not yet learned how to take a hint.
you can't choose what stays
and what fades away
and what fades away
