Aurelia
maybe that's enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity
perhaps wisdom is realizing how small I am, and unwise
perhaps wisdom is realizing how small I am, and unwise
The anger ebbed away as Melita dismissed her sentiment of owing her for the - apparently, potentially live-saving - favor. She noticed her wipe her face quickly, briefly, just a fragment of how she probably really felt inside. Aurelia understood the sadness, understood not feeling like she was... enough for those that were lost. It was a heavy weight to carry. Strong enough, smart enough, didn't do enough; all of those things had crossed her mind.
Thoughts like that had been frequent in her youth, spurred on by the pain of watching her mother fade from the cancer. A vengeful fury that forever burned at the core of her soul for the fact that she couldn't avenge her father, no matter how hard she tried. It had pushed her away, away from everything she loved because she couldn't bear to watch it all slip through her fingers another time. She enveloped herself in her work so she didn't have to face that inevitable doom. She could just accept it when it eventually happened again.
And it had happened again, so she supposed it was time to really accept it...
In retrospect, she still felt the same way about those matters but, it had gotten easier to deal with the emotions wrought by them in the time that had passed. The years would wear on, and she could either move on with them - or stay lost in the past, with the ghosts of a life long-gone.
Melita suddenly adopted a stronger, broader body language as she carried on about the lava octopus incident. Aurelia could feel the pride coming off of her like an aura, and so she fell back into line behind the fiery girl, listening with a glint of awe in her eye.
She recognized all of the names, even Nate's. All except for one, Eloise. Was she the navigator they'd lost, that Jack had brought up once or twice? Aurelia wanted to ask, even parted her lips as the question formed against them, pressing outward. But she didn't let it leave her mouth, thinking better of it. Instead, something else came out, "That's good you were able to do that together and come out alright," it was a quiet compliment, not meant to boost ego but to acknowledge the dangerous feat, "In my home world, the wildlife was so aggressive and large.. so evolved to kill, that humans couldn't live on the surface. Not safely, anyway. So I'm used to living in places... like this, although maybe a bit more structural," her hand passed over the earthy, hardened wall as she passed it. It reminded her of the mines she worked in as a teenage girl.
"I had a few friends that hunted and gathered from the surface," she shook her head, emphasis on had, going on to say, "not many of them survived that career but, Torchline is nowhere near as... I don't know, terrifying? I know it's not a totally safe place, I don't think I'll ever be convinced that anywhere is truly safe. There's always something that could go wrong. But it's actually... really peaceful, in comparison," there was a wistful lilt in her voice, a softened expression that could only come from retaining a certain amount of fondness for this new place she .. might dare to call home. She'd never been able to really appreciate the beauty of her old world; she'd always been on the move. For once, she felt like she could sort of breathe.
"I know what it's like to feel like you're not enough," she said suddenly, looking back up at Melita, her voice darker, deeper, "I felt that way my who-ole life. It's been hard for me to understand what happened and, more than that, to adjust," she sighed, dust billowing through the heavy, dank air, "but I'm beginning to think that maybe, it's a kind of... opportunity. A chance to prove to myself that I am.. enough. And if I don't bust my ass to make this work, what else will I have?" she chuckled darkly at that.
Thoughts like that had been frequent in her youth, spurred on by the pain of watching her mother fade from the cancer. A vengeful fury that forever burned at the core of her soul for the fact that she couldn't avenge her father, no matter how hard she tried. It had pushed her away, away from everything she loved because she couldn't bear to watch it all slip through her fingers another time. She enveloped herself in her work so she didn't have to face that inevitable doom. She could just accept it when it eventually happened again.
And it had happened again, so she supposed it was time to really accept it...
In retrospect, she still felt the same way about those matters but, it had gotten easier to deal with the emotions wrought by them in the time that had passed. The years would wear on, and she could either move on with them - or stay lost in the past, with the ghosts of a life long-gone.
Melita suddenly adopted a stronger, broader body language as she carried on about the lava octopus incident. Aurelia could feel the pride coming off of her like an aura, and so she fell back into line behind the fiery girl, listening with a glint of awe in her eye.
She recognized all of the names, even Nate's. All except for one, Eloise. Was she the navigator they'd lost, that Jack had brought up once or twice? Aurelia wanted to ask, even parted her lips as the question formed against them, pressing outward. But she didn't let it leave her mouth, thinking better of it. Instead, something else came out, "That's good you were able to do that together and come out alright," it was a quiet compliment, not meant to boost ego but to acknowledge the dangerous feat, "In my home world, the wildlife was so aggressive and large.. so evolved to kill, that humans couldn't live on the surface. Not safely, anyway. So I'm used to living in places... like this, although maybe a bit more structural," her hand passed over the earthy, hardened wall as she passed it. It reminded her of the mines she worked in as a teenage girl.
"I had a few friends that hunted and gathered from the surface," she shook her head, emphasis on had, going on to say, "not many of them survived that career but, Torchline is nowhere near as... I don't know, terrifying? I know it's not a totally safe place, I don't think I'll ever be convinced that anywhere is truly safe. There's always something that could go wrong. But it's actually... really peaceful, in comparison," there was a wistful lilt in her voice, a softened expression that could only come from retaining a certain amount of fondness for this new place she .. might dare to call home. She'd never been able to really appreciate the beauty of her old world; she'd always been on the move. For once, she felt like she could sort of breathe.
"I know what it's like to feel like you're not enough," she said suddenly, looking back up at Melita, her voice darker, deeper, "I felt that way my who-ole life. It's been hard for me to understand what happened and, more than that, to adjust," she sighed, dust billowing through the heavy, dank air, "but I'm beginning to think that maybe, it's a kind of... opportunity. A chance to prove to myself that I am.. enough. And if I don't bust my ass to make this work, what else will I have?" she chuckled darkly at that.
and how far I have yet to go
