it's casting shadows and lies

// the edge is getting closer, it's a long spiral down. it's so fun to fly 'til you hit the ground
i think i'm getting too close, i think i'm getting too close //

It racks through him, Ronin’s words. Like little bullets that pepper all his hardened edges, until he has one clawed hand braced on the mantel, staring into the fire, trying to reign in his thoughts and drown out all the praise that Ronin gives him. But it isn’t until he can hear Ronin beside him, not touching – knowing better than to touch the feral, wild beast he’s becoming. He’s not sure which part of it breaks him, the fact that he had gotten up again and again to be pummeled back down, or the fact that Ronin said he wasn’t here.

But he was. He was when his husband poisoned him. He was when Remi slashed his throat. It had been so real. “Stop.” He pleads, turning to face Ronin now, unable to keep the tears from his eyes, reaching up with a clawed hand to wipe them away before they drip too far down his face. “You were here for that. Fuck the rest of it.” His voice cracks, the sorrow etching out of him in quiet and painful breaths. “He slit my throat and I died, Ronin.” Nevermind the fact it was a dream, it feels real to him, it shows in the pain etched across his face, in the way his body deflates but that clawed hand comes up to his perfectly intact throat.

it's hard to get to heaven with my head in my hands

SUNJATA