I carried on like a wayward son

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

There’s a small mercy of comfort in the hands that trail along his hair, that press into his curls while he leans into the kiss. There’s force behind it but Sunjata manages to pull away, offering a hand to tug Nate up and into him, before his husband is wrapping him up with both arms, pulling him along into the kitchen. Sunjata goes willingly and without any protest, keeping his arms around Nate as long as possible until a chair is dragged over – the Attuned following within his arms like a lost puppy – before he takes a seat with a quiet huff of amusement, letting it wash over him. Not super hungry, but I can take my time with it here… I raced to eat earlier so I could come home. And be with you and our family,  seems to go unsaid.

He leans into the kisses to his right side of his face, before he settles in and draws his knees up a bit, watching Nate flit about the kitchen with an apron and pants – giving Sunjata a fair amount of viewing for the shiny, sunburned scars that wash over his husband’s skin. But he doesn’t say anything to that, not in this tentative peace and happiness they’d found since he’d returned. All he can do is focus on not chewing on the inside of his ruined cheek, watching while Nate prepares the food to be cooked.

Do you have any smokes with you? He asks after a moment, idly sitting there and watching while Nate works, wanting nothing more than to be curled up against him but refraining for the moment to do something with his hands, something to take a little bit of the edge off of his arrival, something familiar. And water... I should probably drink some water, huh? He tacks on at the end, sending a hint of humor across.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

Hands blur across the counter, chopping and crushing and peeling until there’s a half full pan heating up, the smell of garlic and onion already beginning to fill the kitchen. Every time he gets a moment, Nate leans back, his fingers brushing against Sunjata, just to make sure that he’s real, that he’s still there.

Some part of Nate wants to make a joke about how they met, Sunjata half drowned then, and banned from smoking, but he doesn’t have it in him to take away this small comfort. Not tonight, at least. I should, somewhere. Hands pat at the apron, the pants as if something will jump out and surprise him, and when it doesn’t Nate heaves a sigh and steps over to the junk drawer. A beaten up pck is fished out of the back corner, and from it a single cigarette that looks like it’s seen better days, placed firmly between antes lips for safekeeping.

It’s easy to forget how dark it really is in the kitchen with his eyes, but the lack of light is made blindingly apparent when he lights a match and the smoke, stepping back towards his husband with only the dim cherry lighting his features. Everything but Sunjata is forgotten as Nate leans in, a teasing brush of smoke caressing the attuned’s lips before they crash together in a needy kiss.

Nate is far too proud to let his food burn though, even in these circumstances, and he ends up pulling away sooner than he wants, the pressure of his lips replaced with fingers and the smoke while the ascended focuses back on his pan, giving everything a good mix and reaching for a glass.

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

Each time Nate’s fingers brush against him, Sunjata leans into them much like a cat would. But each time that he pulls away to continue working all the Attuned can do is to idly watch, to offer the slight quirk of a smile when Nate agrees, searches his apron and pants and then goes on the hunt. It is a bit ironic all things considered, that the first time they’d met he’d been nearly just as bedraggled.

A sad cigarette is found and Sunjata perks up a bit with it, sitting up in the chair a bit straighter when his husband rounds back toward him. It is dark in the kitchen, but Nate’s face is framed with the orange glow and a cradle of smoke and Sunjata’s quite greedy when it comes to the kiss encased with smoke. He dives in, just as much, hands a bit grabbier and greedier – he’d tug Nate down to him if it weren’t for the food that’s cooking – so he takes the smoke, takes the cigarette with Nate’s help, exhaling a quiet sigh of relief when the nicotine spreads through him and numbs part of his mind, superficially soothes his injuries.

So he idly drags from the cigarette, encases himself with smoke again, letting his gaze linger on his husband while he works, wondering if perhaps now is a good enough time to tear off the bandaid. What… What happened while I was gone? After I went over the edge? It’s a tentative question, Sunjata’s gaze pulling away from his husband to reach for an ashtray while Nate grabs the glass, flicking a bit of ash into the tray and settling again.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

They’ll have time to spend wrapped up in each other’s arms, tangled so close there’s absolutely nothing between them, but right now Nate needs to ensure his husband is taken care of. He needs to take care of him. He has to pull away, just for now. The words are a buzz that echoes softly through the bond as he turns to stir the frying food, and fulfill the Sunjata’s second request.

A soft hum leaves Nate as he fills the glass, turning just in time for Sunjata to really see how quickly he closes down, the light in Nate’s eyes dying away to a numb nothing, and the glass slipping from slack fingers. ”Uh...” Blinking, he looks down, at his hands, at the mess he’s made. ”Fuck, don’t move.” His voice is quieter, steadier than it should be.

Adam took me to the Voice. Picking his way carefully across the floor, he grabs a broom. I... don’t actually remember a lot, after that. Nate rolls his shoulders a little, decidedly looking anywhere but at his husband. Lies are easy to catch through the bond, but this one is obvious even without it.

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

He hadn’t meant to have this happen – not the way Nate shuts him out, not the way that the glass falls from his hand and crashes into the floor in millions of pieces. Sunjata would be lying if he said he didn’t flinch from it, quickly aiming to recover with a half hiccupped drag off the cigarette. A hand stretches out toward Nate as he steps away and the Attuned withdraws it, focusing on the smoke and working at his lip – regret already sparking through the bond paired with Nate’s lies.

The broom picks up the water and glass shards for the most part and Sunjata draws a deep breath, his eyes following Nate before he looks to the pan and reaches up to stir it if only so it doesn’t burn while he’d created this awful distraction. We don’t have to talk about it now. He offers quietly, but there’s something in his mental tone that seems to scream that he would have to find out one day.

If only to make amends for it, even if it wasn’t his job. So he takes another few moments of silence, pouring over his words, before his hand slips out to reach for Nate to draw him in close for a moment, to bury the good side of his face against Nate’s side. I’m just glad to be home. I’m glad you’re home too.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

This ain’t what he’d wanted, Sunjata’s regret mirrored on his face, even if his side of the bond is quiet, in the same way a building storm is quiet. No. Theres still a buzz around the silent words, the emotion torn away from them. Really, nothing happened. I... stayed at home, mostly. Got uh... got the anchors done. Nate can’t quite muster a full shrug as he sweeps the wet glass into a corner, leaving the broom over it as a warning and a reminder.

Hands pull Nate close, and he goes without a second thought, leaning down around his husband and wrapping him up in a tight hug. Lips press into curls, a soft hum of breath leaving the ascended. He tries to ground himself, tries to find the attuned’s smell, under the salt, and whatever had been in the shower he’d taken. I’m glad you’re back.

It takes a long moment for Nate to pull away, and it’s only so he can take the one off the stove and dump the food into a bowl. He knows without even looking that it’s undercooked in some places, and nearly burned in others, but the only thing that matters right now is getting Sunjata back in his arms as quickly as possible. Couch? To eat?

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

It feels off, but Sunjata can’t justify it enough to say what exactly it is other than what Nate doesn’t want to say. And he won’t make him say anything if he doesn’t want to, not now at least, when emotions were still raw and he was still in pain, it felt like far more effort than was warranted. So he listens, instead, to the numbed words through the bond, the news of the anchors being done. It perks him up a fraction, managing a soft smile on the good side of his face. Then all that needs left is the placing of them. He offers, having completed the quest with Torchline’s help.

The talk with Safrin would be another thing entirely. But he pushes all of those thoughts away to bury his face into Nate’s apron and skin, sighing into the press of a kiss to the crown of his head, grounding himself as much as Nate tries to ground himself. They part far sooner than Sunjata had wanted, yet again, but there’s the promise of forever stretching out before them still, so he remains idly perched there, finishing the cigarette and putting it out in the ashtray as Nate grabs the bowl and dumps the food into it.

Couch is good. He agrees with a soft pulse of love and warmth, trying to push past the recent trauma for now before it hurts too much more to continue. He stands up slowly, getting his legs used to walking again, and grabs a fork before sliding his arm around Nate to pull him with him into their living room. He takes a seat, tucking his legs up underneath him so he might cradle the bowl in his lap, giving the food another quick stir before he dives in. “Mmm.” Comes the quiet rumble while he eats, uncaring how cooked or undercooked it is, given the fact he’d just gone so many days without eating.

For now, it tasted incredible, though he knows better than to compliment Nate on it, given the fact he’s sure his husband would deny it. Especially right now.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

Couch it is then, Nate nodding easily and hovering until Sunjata is ready to move. His arm winds around the attuned, something soft and quiet welling up at the way they hold each other up so easily. It’s more than enough to make up for the horrible numbness from before.

Nate settles in as close as he can to Sunjata, his whole body leaning in against the attuned. I’ll make something better tomorrow. An easy promise, made just a touch uncomfortable by how intensely Nate’s watching his husband eat, a worried slant in his brows. You don’t have to eat all of it, if you don’t want to.

A hand lifts to brush some imagined speak of something out of Sunjata’s hair, the ascendeds fingers simply lingering where they’ve landed, petting short lines just above his husbands ear. I didn’t know what I was going to do. He hums softly, letting quiet vulnerability wash into his eyes.

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

Nate’s closeness in this moment is a tether unlike before, a connection that grounds him with how Nate leans against him on the couch, just enough room for him to keep eating – acutely aware of just how intensely Nate watches. He dives into the food as gingerly as he can given the state of his cheek, humming  something gentle through the bond as he swallows and tilts his head slightly into Nate’s hand. It’s good, Nate. You know I’d never complain. He’s eaten things that were hardly considered food at one point during the rebellion. This was perfect in comparison.

The sensation of just how much he wants to eat all of it is sent through the bond, a wordless confirmation that he plans to devour all of it, even though it may take some time given his soreness. But they have all the time in the world now, thankfully. And it’s that warm buzzing feeling that’s sent over the bond that stutters lightly when he tilts his head in to Nate’s hand, a few locks of dark hair falling into the Ascended’s hand, strewn with the briefest glimmer of silver lines.

He doesn’t know how to respond. He just knows he’d feel the same. And perhaps it’s a hint of shame that coats the bond when he leans into Nate and lowers the bowl into his lap. I’m so sorry, skatjie. It’s a quiet whisper across the bond, Sunjata’s head tilting just enough to peer at his husband. It… Was the only way I could win. I needed to get you back and he knew what he did to you would make me desperate and stupid and it did. But gods how he'd tried to come back. I'm so sorry it took me so long.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

I know. Something trying very hard to be an easy smile passes over his lips. It’s utterly wordless, but an unmistakable flood of I love you too passes through the bond, rivalled only by the warm, comfortable buzz of contentment that emanates from the attuned.

Perhaps, if he weren’t ascended, he wouldn’t have noticed it. Perhaps, if he just a little less focused, he could have ignored it. But the slightest brush of pale, in among dark hair startles Nate so fiercely he thinks he might have felt his heart skip a beat. Brows knit together even more tightly, the ascended leaning in and letting his fingers move with a touch more purpose. A single silver strand is pulled off of Sunjata’s head with a quick motion, Nate lifting it to his eye, unsure of what exactly he was looking at.

Then the panic comes, a drum-less thump through his chest, echoing through the bond. ”Oh.” It’s hardly more than a noise, Nate’s fingers opening and letting the offending hair flutter away.

It doesn’t help the raw emotion in his eyes, suddenly floating in a sheen of fluid that Nate blinks away as quickly as he can. ”No.” The word comes out loud and between the bond, garbled because of it. Don’t... don't be sorry. I know it was what you... it was what you had to do. Some blush of pride colours his voice, before it fades back into a buzz of sorrow. I just... I thought that this would be all the time we had, forever. I thought that was the last time I’d see you, and... and I... I can’t even really remember it. He remembers the smell of blood, through the rain, he remembers the bite of the muzzle and the eyes all around that he had tried to shrink from, and he remembered the way his heart had dropped out of his chest when Sunjata toppled over the cliff.

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

The warm contentment is dashed away in a few moments when there’s suddenly the tug of something off his head from where Nate’s hand had just been. He dips to the side a fraction, head turning immediately to Nate with furrowed brows. “Ow.” He half mutters, finding a crooked smile growing on his face, some hidden bit of amusement that’s also dashed away with the sudden hollowness that coats the bond. It has him lowering the bowl again, his smile faltering.

A flush of pride is met with that overwhelming sorrow and hollowness and Sunjata can’t find it in himself to relish in the pride that’s given to him with everything he’d caused (and would cause) the Ascended. So he sets the bowl down on the table – half eaten with plenty of time to eat more – and reaches for his husband, unfolding one long leg to make more room and hopefully tug Nate into his chest. I think… Maybe it would have been better that way…? He tries to say gingerly, swallowing hard as he considers it. Remembering the good times and not… Not the blood and the rest of it. He hopes that Nate doesn’t remember much of Shaju, hopes that Nate won’t draw the resemblances in his appearance, despite having some amount of empathy that Shaju didn’t have.

He almost tells Nate that he knows what he means, that the last time he’d have seen his husband was when Nate had been feral, muzzled like an animal and bound, dragged up those cliffs. But he doesn’t think it’ll help, so he shuts that thought down immediately before it has a chance to blossom into something. But we’re both here now. We can make better memories… Before... Before something took them away from each other for good.

It would happen, right? Sunjata knows that they wouldn’t actually get to spend forever together, but it’s the thought of it, the dream and the hope that kept him going.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

”Sorry,” I’m sorry. Nate coos immediately, fingers stroking along the spot he’d plucked the hair from. He doesn’t know how to explain, doesn’t know if he even should, or if the moment should be left as an uncomfortable hiccup.

Choosing the latter, at least for the moment, Nate shifts closer again. A frown crosses his face when the attuned sets his bowl down, though it fades somewhat as he’s tugged into the newly opened space against Sunjata. It’s rare that Nate is willing to admit he needs to be held, rarer still for him to actually allow it to happen, but he sinks into his husbands arms.

Thats not the point. Nate huffs, pressing his forehead into the crook of Sunjata’s neck. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. As much as he would have wanted to remember the attuned whole and well, it was no excuse to forget anything, to settle for half memories of the bad.

Sunjata’s unvoiced thought is correct - this doesn’t help. But it’s something Nate needed to get off his chest, some weight lifting off his shoulders. He leans up, pressing his lips the edge of the others man’s cheek, along the very edge of the newest scar crossing his skin. We can make better memories now. Perhaps he’s only so insistent because of the circumstances, because he needs this to be better than it has been. Youre back with me, and we have time again, and...

Honestly, Nate doesn’t know beyond that. He’s just glad for a tomorrow, after everything.

NATE

// the killer in me is the killer in you, my love, i send this smile over to you
disarm you with a smile, and leave you like they left me here //

Much like a cat leaning into a pet does Sunjata’s head tilt into the apologetic stroke of Nate’s fingers where the hair had been plucked from. It’s a tiny bit of relief before everything begins to show those fractures again and again and Sunjata isn’t entirely sure where to start. So he starts by placing down the bowl, tugging Nate into his lap, pressing his cheek against Nate’s head where it’s nestled into the crook of his neck. I know. He supplies gently, lips twitching as he nuzzles his head in a fraction, shuts his eyes tight and wraps his arms tighter around his husband. Neither could I if the roles were reversed. If anything happened to Nate, Sunjata doesn’t know how he’d go on, doesn’t know what would be enough for him to go on without him.

But Nate leans up, presses a kiss to the corner of his new scar, hope echoed in the words that stretch across the bond. And it’s hope that Sunjata sends down the bond as he pulls away, keeping Nate close in his arms and scanning the Ascended’s face. And I’ll do everything to make sure we get as long as we can. He finishes the statement easily, softly, a hand rising to push back rogue raven curls, his steel gaze lingering along various points of Nate’s face – his dual-toned eyes, his lips, everything as if he’s committing it to memory. “I love you, Nate.” He says aloud, the soft flicker of a smile on his face. “And I'll do anything I can for you.”

He leans forward with that, aiming to catch Nate’s lips in a soft kiss – nothing hurried, nothing pressured, nothing like before or previously. Just a gentle combination of his love, his hope, his happiness.

to wither in denial, the bitterness of one who's left alone

SUNJATA

there's a niche in his chest where a heart would fit perfectly

A smile spreads across Nate’s face at the continuation of his words, the steadiness in his husband. I know you will sonskyn. I know. Though even he can’t predict exactly how it will look. If he could, he might have something to say, some warning about there being lines to not cross.

Nates hand lifts, shaky and slow, to trace along the edges of Sunjata’s face, along the new scar, along the sharp line of his jaw, and between all the freckles he can find. He hesitates, just for a moment, leaning back away from the attuned to postpone the kiss long enough to reply. ”I love you too. And I know you will, but all I ever need is you.” Nothing special, nothing extra.

Sunjata was everything to him, a sentiment Nate tries to press into the kiss. One of many slow, soft sentiments. Thoughts slip away easily as the ascended shifts a little more completely into Sunjata’s lap, hands lingering against his face. Eventually, Nate will have to move, will insist on the food being finished and the rest of their reunion being spent in bed, but for the moment hes content to be right here. Back in his sunshine’s arms.

{i]Done~[/say}

NATE