(SE) a whisper in our ear, or a bottle for our fears

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Sunjata listens, clings to it and Nate, in fact. All the worries and fears poured out through the Attuned bond, to hear and understand. And it’s nothing but understanding that slips from Sunjata, at the worries that continue to dance through Nate like ruffled feathers that the Attuned might be able to try and soothe. So… He pauses, mentally, despite not particularly needing to. You’re not the type to lash out unless there’s a reason, though. Remi murdered me in a dream… I think it’s fair you got pissed and beat him up, even if he and I are on okay terms. There’s a slight pulse of amusement that manages to strangle its way through the thorns of his feelings. I found it charming, to be honest. He manages to tilt his head up, propping his chin on Nate’s chest, to peer up at his husband with eyes full of nothing but love and adoration, even if they’re still ringed with red.

You’re good, Nate. Everyone has shitty days, but you will always be my light. He manages, a smile pulling at his lips that’s reflected tenfold in his eyes as well as his side of the bond. One that remains strong and shimmering and shiny as Nate’s whisper leaves him, a confirmation that he hasn’t become his father. There’s a sharp inhale of breath before he lets it out slowly through his nose. “That day… That I fought him. He told me he was proud of me. I don’t… Know what it means but I’ve never hated anything he’s said to me more than that.”

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

This time, Nate really does stay silent for a long moment, really is unsure of what to say. He doesn’t want to pile onto the feeling that festers between them, but it pours out of him like grease, dribbling into the mix. ”I don’t...” He starts, voice strange itself out into a squeak as painful, terrified memories poke into the forefront of his mind. I don’t remember watching you fall. I just... you were there, and then you weren’t.

And it had been Hell. He’d been broken. A house with the door hanging off the hinges, standing and unobtrusive, but soiled in some fundamental way, some way that was obvious just to look at.

I won’t lose you like that again. Not if he can help it. Words are cheap, especially his, but Nate puts all of his belief into these ones. If he has to drag Sunjata out of this war, out of Safrin’s grasp he will. But... I was thinking, since... since you came back.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Silence overtakes them and Sunjata finds himself pressing in against Nate and the blankets more so, as if he can be the weight to keep both their pieces together again. He isn’t sure if it works, but he’d take this awkwardness of their heavy conversations over the burning pain of the ones before. Nate’s voice squeaks up, though, before it breaks into something mental, something that fills him with dread.

But Nate had told him no more apologies, so he keeps those tight behind his teeth. It was the only way I could… Win. I had to get him to think I was surrendering. Back him up against the cliffs and go. But I had planned to drop him and fly back up to come back to you… I just… didn’t. The words are said mentally though Sunjata’s face shifts into a grimace. His shoulders deflate where he rests himself against Nate, small and vulnerable, in such a way for Nate’s eyes only.

The following words from Nate feel as though there’s steel beneath them, and Sunjata’s sucking down another breath as if it were his salvation, dark brows pinching together in his confusion. You were thinking…? He pokes quietly, evidently hanging onto everything Nate says with every piece of himself.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

I wasn’t in any state to be seen. Theres a grim certainty in the words, even as Nate mental holds that part of him outside of himself. Another person, another life. Gods know it feels like it. Maybe it was... He doesn’t actually think the word better, but it still echoes out of him, a ripple of thought that he can’t exactly stop. Better didn’t mean good, but that doesn’t make it right either. A hand, who knows which one at this point, moves to squeeze Sunjata’s shoulders through the blanket, tight and comforting and grounding for the both of them.

He was thinking. Nothing good has ever come from it, but Nate isn’t going to let that stop him. Never has before. And this... this is serious, this is important, this is his future. Their future. I was thinking... I wanted to wait until things were perfect to do... family stuff, kids, and domestic nonsense, but I don’t think we get perfect. I think... if we wait until we’re ready, it’ll never come. So...

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

I wanted to, though. I wanted to make sure you were okay. He manages with a slight frown, the feeling of his uncertainty coursing through the bond. I didn’t know you were back until Adam told me and even then he wouldn’t… Tell me where you’d gone. Thought we’d gotten into an argument and didn’t want to rat you out. He nuzzles his head into the blankets some more, swallowing hard. But we were good then, so I knew… I knew he had you. The information is offered surprisingly easily given the fact that the story itself is so dark and depressing.

But. He perks up when Nate’s voice reaches him, the thinking that had accompanied it, and he props his head up to peer at his husband again with curious eyes. I think you’re right. He manages, quietly, the idea of not getting a perfect regardless of how much they very much wanted one. But there’s a glimmer of something hopeful in his gaze as he peers up at his husband, the brief flickering of a smile that ghosts across his lips. So you… Want to? When you get back? We can… Try? He asks silently, hopefully, his mental voice sounds as if it’s held back like a held breath.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

A soft sigh hums in Nate's throat, held back by his teeth as he leans in to press his cheek against Sunjata's head, shifting to make sure there's enough layers between them. I wasn't okay. Nate wonders if he should be less brusque, but there's no way to sugar coat it. No way to sugarcoat any of it. He'd been an animal, worse than, driven out of his mind by starvation and torture that still plucked at the edges of his mind. Adam's a good friend. Nate manages a smile, pressed into the lilt of his voice. He took me to the Voice too, after everything had settled.

Even if he can feel there's of steel eyes on him, Nate doesn't let his gaze drop, staring out across the room at some lonesome distance. He can look, or he can talk, a fact that Sunjata knows by now. Nodding, the ascended licks his lips and lets his arms draw tighter around his husband, the force of them muted somewhat by the blankets around them. I think... yea. When I come back. There's no if anymore, no thought that he might not, that these plans might fall apart. No matter how angry he is, and he is, he's coming home. Don't know how it'll happen. If it even can.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

He’s heard the stories. He knows that Nate wasn’t okay. But part of him wishes he’d almost seen it, if only to know the extent. Stories were… Different, they could be undermining or exaggerating, and Sunjata’s always found it hard to believe what people said. So all he has to go off of is what Nate says, the feeling through the bond that tells him just how much of a horrible state Nate had been in. I’m glad he was there for you. He murmurs, and he’d meant it.

He nestles in, the hope and glimmer of happiness within the steel of his gaze, and he promptly averts it as he realizes that Nate’s pausing – his arms drawing tighter around him, and Sunjata presses his face into Nate’s chest as if it holds all the answers in the world within the layers between them. I’ll do anything. He offers, a quiet resolute thread of steel in his mental voice as it flickers to Nate. Anything to make you happy again, Nate. I promise. He keeps his face buried, arms stuffing themselves into the blankets so that he can squeeze around his husband’s middle. Just say the word whenever you want.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

There is steel in Sunjata's words, a tether that the ascended clings to. That he reaches out to grab. I know sonskyn. I know you will. Another soft sigh leaves Nate, his jaw working. He wishes there was something he could, some magic task he could ask of his husband to wash this all away. But he's not Safrin, he's no true God; he has to deal with his emotions, has to nurse sore feelings until they're something he can bear to look at again. I don't know what to tell you. I just... I want things to be better again.

Honestly, Nate doesn't know if leaving will help that. It feels like it might, but staying wrapped up in Sunjata's arms until they can touch each other without the armour of blankets also feels like it might help.

Laying back, just a little bit, and pulling Sunjata with him, Nate chews at the inside of hsi cheek. He doesn't want to think about leaving, doesn't want to think about anything around it. Do you think... if we asked the Voice, she'd..? There is just a hint of humour in his words, though he knows he's brushing against dangerous territory now, the joke as likely to make things better as it is to send them spiralling into some darkness again.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

There’s a mutual understanding there – that Sunjata’s been chastised not to apologize anymore, but he can offer his apologies in other ways. Most notably, groveling to an extent, in his own little ways. Of taking this time apart to try and figure himself out so that he’s not as much of a mess when Nate returns. Even if the time apart will hurt like a black hole inside his chest, he can at least try to make it better for when his husband comes home. I know. He murmurs quietly, pressing a kiss against Nate’s chest atop the blankets. I do too. He adds.

Nate leans back and Sunjata slips in the space offered with him, letting the blankets cover Nate as well as himself, trying to tangle himself up with Nate if only to keep him here just a few minutes longer. As for asking the Voice? He keeps his cheek pressed against Nate’s shoulder, silent for a few moments as he considers it. Didn’t she give Rexanna and Bastien a child? He pauses, enough to try and formulate his words. It… Might be possible. We could make a list of what options to try and try her first? They could figure it out, right?

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

Fingers, real ones, tap out a slow, meandering rhythm along Sunjata’s spine, reminding him that Nate is here, as if he needs it. The pressure all around him hasn't abated once, won’t, not until morning comes, until they make their way back downstairs for coffee, for breakfast. I missed having you here. Nate thinks, not meaning to send it over, but not caring quite enough to actually stop it.

Yes, but... they were both ascended. And Azrael is... a Demi-god, I think. Nate doesn’t say it, doesn’t think it, but it’s clearly not what he wants. The whole point of it is to not involve more pieces in the game the Gods are playing. She did... Pausing and thinking better of whatever had been about to slip from him, Nate tries again. I think it’s worth asking First. Before we look into other things. She’d said he could go to her for anything. This certainly fell under that umbrella, didn’t it?

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Despite Nate not meaning to send over the confession, it blossoms a thick, almost suffocating sense of love automatically from Sunjata – that canine shift of his overwhelmingly outpouring his adoration for it despite him not actively  meaning to. So he tries to mask it with a hint of amusement, shutting his eyes tight where he nestles in against his husband, focusing on the dull sense of drumming fingers along his spine. I missed being here. He pauses, before the hum of a breathy laugh leaves him. Haai’s nest downstairs isn’t very comfortable. Don’t tell her I said that, though. He quickly tacks onto the end.

At his offered information of Azrael, Sunjata’s head nuzzles in with a nod, some sense of understanding. He’s never met the Ascended child, but he’s heard about them. Still, the Attuned remains silent, letting his husband figure out what sort of path to take, before a thought leaves him after that he can’t keep hidden. No more secrets, after all. Okay. We can ask her. He says with confidence. If… If we can’t have one that’s ours by genetics, he pauses, as if considering adding the fact that if they were to make a deal they didn’t want in order to have them that he didn’t want to go through with it either, before continuing. We could adopt, maybe? His head lifts, pressing up with the blanket to nuzzle himself into Nate’s neck, pressing a blunt kiss through the blankets to the column of his neck.

However you want to. I will do it. He adds, with that same amount of outpouring of love.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

A matching laugh huffs out of Nate, the moment warmed by humour instead of the uncomfortable tangle it should be. I’m sure she did her best to accommodate you, be nice. There is faux scandal in his voice, yet more laughter following on the heels of it until his chest is bouncing with giddiness, more genuine this time that his hysterics from earlier.

You’ll come with me? It shouldn’t  have to be said, yet here he is. Saying it. Asking, just to be sure, just to soothe some deep down nerves. It isn’t like it would be the first time the Voice has seen Sunjata, and it isn’t as if she doesn’t know about him already. He’s glad they’re on the same page about deals being made (at least now) even without words. A deep, dull flash of anger stabs through him just as lips press against him, the tenderness and the love winning out over the swirl of darkness easily.

I wouldn’t mind adopting. That would still be... they’d still be our family. How many strays had they taken in by this point? Is the concept really that different?

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

don't you know i'm no good for you?

Nate’s laughter is a sound that Sunjata isn’t sure he’ll ever get tired of. And it’s something that he clings to especially in this moment, to keep him sane while he’s gone if for nothing else. You sure about that? He quips back mentally, lifting his head a fraction as Nate’s laughter causes him to bounce a bit along his chest, something that pulls a boyish grin from him when he settles back down.

Serious conversation follows, as it always would, and Sunjata settles once again in his husband’s embrace, giving the demigod a squeeze around his middle with a decisive nod. “Yes. Of course.” He says aloud, through a thick voice, hoarse with their prior emotions and the tightness it had endured. His throat wasn’t tight anymore, thankfully, and Nate might be able to tell with the way Sunjata drapes across him that he’s finally relaxed for the first time in what felt like weeks.

The idea of adopting isn’t shot down at all, and there’s another little bubbling of adoration that slips from Sunjata where he rests his head in the crook of Nate’s neck, blocked by the layers of blankets as they are. They would, yes. He agrees with a bit more ease in his tones, now that it’s been accepted as an offer. We’ll ask the Voice first and then… If everything else fails we’ll adopt. How’s that? He asks, pressing another dull kiss through the layers of the blankets to Nate’s collarbone.

i've learned to lose, you can't afford to

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

Of course comes out in the same way his obviously usually does, immediate and insistent and leaving no room for misunderstanding. ”Good.” Nate purrs, some of his own easy grace returning to his voice as he hears, feels the newfound ease in his husband. Tension bleeds off Sunjata easily as he all but melts over Nate, melting him in turn. He’s comfortable, he’s relaxed as he can be, and he’s more than willing to simply put everything else out of his mind to focus on just this conversation.

I think it sounds like a plan, geliefde seun. Nate smiles, a hand shifting within the blankets to cradle the attuned’s face. In another time, fingers would be pressed through his husbands hair, along the scarred and inked expanses of his arms and chest, of his face, but even if this is good enough, Nate is happy for the closeness. For this closeness, after days (weeks) spent going out of his mind alone.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE