HOTARU
There are magnitudes left unspoken, unsaid, but she feels the pressure of the words all the same. Pressing into her skin, against the inside of her throat. Seeking to answer a call she can't even understand for all she may hear it. Hotaru is not often left speechless in her life - words the finely crafted tools and weapons she'd learned to wield early on - but Nate's presence alone has struck her dumb and motionless. Until they are nothing but two frozen figures in the water, close enough to touch but incapable of doing so. Her fingers twitch all the same. Covetous.
"No," she says softly instead when he asks, and it hurts how he cares so much for her still. "Not when I'm afraid I'll lose her all over again." Now that she's Ascended. Like Nate. Nate who she still stands to lose, whose loss may be hastened by Sunjata's actions. She had begged Wessex to look out for him, but will that matter? Will any of it hold weight if he doesn't decide to leave on his own? Even if not to her. She can't be selfish enough to think that.
His next words are wounding, and though she flinches her eyes never harden. Soft and accepting. "I deserve that," she murmurs, fingertips idly touching the surface of the water. Hotaru is not enough of a coward to look away though. Tilts her chin up only enough to communicate her defenses. "I had nothing to offer you at first. No escape, no temporary shelter, much less a home. I didn't just leave to get away, I left so I could...so I..." her bravery stalls, terror swelling in her throat, and she blinks swiftly to clear the sharpness behind her eyes. It's a level of vulnerability that she hasn't allowed herself, even with Nate and Sunjata. Her gaze drops. "I wanted to have something more to offer. In case you decided to choose me." Heart rabbiting in her breast, Hotaru is grateful for the general hot climate around them which conceals the sweat that runs cold at the base of her spine and forces shivers over her skin that she must push down fiercely.
"I asked Wessex to keep watch over you if she could. I knew leaving would hurt you, but I couldn't ask anything of you so soon." Before he'd made up his own mind about the child, about Sunjata, and the Gods that overlooked them all. But when she goes to make her apology, Hotaru forces her mismatched gaze back up, because he deserves her sincerity. Her focus. "I'm sorry, Nate." Because she is too sorry now to ask for anything, much less something of the magnitude she'd previously tentatively dreamed.
"No," she says softly instead when he asks, and it hurts how he cares so much for her still. "Not when I'm afraid I'll lose her all over again." Now that she's Ascended. Like Nate. Nate who she still stands to lose, whose loss may be hastened by Sunjata's actions. She had begged Wessex to look out for him, but will that matter? Will any of it hold weight if he doesn't decide to leave on his own? Even if not to her. She can't be selfish enough to think that.
His next words are wounding, and though she flinches her eyes never harden. Soft and accepting. "I deserve that," she murmurs, fingertips idly touching the surface of the water. Hotaru is not enough of a coward to look away though. Tilts her chin up only enough to communicate her defenses. "I had nothing to offer you at first. No escape, no temporary shelter, much less a home. I didn't just leave to get away, I left so I could...so I..." her bravery stalls, terror swelling in her throat, and she blinks swiftly to clear the sharpness behind her eyes. It's a level of vulnerability that she hasn't allowed herself, even with Nate and Sunjata. Her gaze drops. "I wanted to have something more to offer. In case you decided to choose me." Heart rabbiting in her breast, Hotaru is grateful for the general hot climate around them which conceals the sweat that runs cold at the base of her spine and forces shivers over her skin that she must push down fiercely.
"I asked Wessex to keep watch over you if she could. I knew leaving would hurt you, but I couldn't ask anything of you so soon." Before he'd made up his own mind about the child, about Sunjata, and the Gods that overlooked them all. But when she goes to make her apology, Hotaru forces her mismatched gaze back up, because he deserves her sincerity. Her focus. "I'm sorry, Nate." Because she is too sorry now to ask for anything, much less something of the magnitude she'd previously tentatively dreamed.
Pull you in, but don't you get too close
Love you now, but not tomorrow
Love you now, but not tomorrow
