NATE
"Well I am!" He snaps back, if only to grab hold of some kind of control, something outside of them that maybe he can actually affect. Maybe he can actually hold onto it this time, can actually make a fucking difference, instead of coming in second last, like he always does. Never fast enough, never strong enough, never enough. This is a cycle he's walked more than once, one that ends with him even lower than where he's started every time, every time, but still there is that voice inside of him that screams this will be different, I will make this time different. Maybe this time it'll be true.
How does she have the power to make him feel selfish, when he needs this. When he's right? Why is it so hard to simply disconnect, to stew in his anger, to blame her entirely? It could be easy, he could make this fucking easy, if not for his traitorous heart.
Just as Hotaru's gaze lifts, Nate's crashes into the water, his throat bobbing as he tries to swallow, and chokes on the dryness of it. If only it could actually affect him, if only he could feel it. He understands, in the most superficial way, the pain she'd felt. The loss, the betrayal, different than what he'd suffered, but no less wounding. "You... shouldn't hurt just for me." He concedes after a long moment of silence, anger breaking away, something he can't actually maintain right now. Something he doesn't really want to maintain right now. "I don't want to be angry at you." The admission is quiet and choked, but it has Nate's eye lifting again, his brows pinched tightly above it, his lips a tight, unhappy line.
"I just," his voice cracks, and shame and terror spill out over his face, a clenched fist rising to his lips. Like he's going to gag himself. Like he's going to hit himself. Either would be preferable to breaking, to showing this weakness. He takes a moment, takes a few deep breaths, biting back the shining in his eyes with sheer force of will, and tries again. "I just wanted things to be okay. For a season, for a fucking week." Gods, he can't stop it, and he hates himself for it, more than anything and anyone else in the world right now. More than he hates Sunjata and Hotaru. Fluid leaks from tightly closed eyes, just as words leaked from his tightly clenched jaw. "I just got you back."
How does she have the power to make him feel selfish, when he needs this. When he's right? Why is it so hard to simply disconnect, to stew in his anger, to blame her entirely? It could be easy, he could make this fucking easy, if not for his traitorous heart.
Just as Hotaru's gaze lifts, Nate's crashes into the water, his throat bobbing as he tries to swallow, and chokes on the dryness of it. If only it could actually affect him, if only he could feel it. He understands, in the most superficial way, the pain she'd felt. The loss, the betrayal, different than what he'd suffered, but no less wounding. "You... shouldn't hurt just for me." He concedes after a long moment of silence, anger breaking away, something he can't actually maintain right now. Something he doesn't really want to maintain right now. "I don't want to be angry at you." The admission is quiet and choked, but it has Nate's eye lifting again, his brows pinched tightly above it, his lips a tight, unhappy line.
"I just," his voice cracks, and shame and terror spill out over his face, a clenched fist rising to his lips. Like he's going to gag himself. Like he's going to hit himself. Either would be preferable to breaking, to showing this weakness. He takes a moment, takes a few deep breaths, biting back the shining in his eyes with sheer force of will, and tries again. "I just wanted things to be okay. For a season, for a fucking week." Gods, he can't stop it, and he hates himself for it, more than anything and anyone else in the world right now. More than he hates Sunjata and Hotaru. Fluid leaks from tightly closed eyes, just as words leaked from his tightly clenched jaw. "I just got you back."
I am tasting myself
In the mouth of the sun
In the mouth of the sun
