From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
It's only one word, but even that is almost enough to break him. October is the first person in almost a season to let Finn make a decision for himself (without that decision being loaded with consequences or guilt), and the shuddering breath he releases is one of unfettered relief and gratitude. His eyes sting and he nods to Tobi, his arm folding around her once more that they can sit together. "I'm glad," he mumbles when she agrees to talk with him. And honestly, it's easier to talk about things right now - Finn doesn't remember what it's like to feel alright, so small talk is all but impossible.
"Cian had me stationed at Torchline, undercover. I was in the Halenani as one of the brothel workers - that's why I had the glamour." His gaze slips away from her entirely now, to stare at the plush rug beneath their feet. I needed to gather intel about Torchline, and whether they would be trusted to stand with the Old Gods, when the time comes."
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
As Finn begins to speak, Tobi settles herself back against him. If he wasn't ready for eye contact but could endure her pressed next to him, she could live with that. Pressing her cheek against the fabric of his scrubs—already damp from her tears—she closes her eyes as she listens. This turns out to be a terrible idea; images of Finn (Thomas's face is already a blur in her mind, so it's Finn that she sees) prostrated out in the Halenani fill her thoughts. Were she earlier in her pregnancy, she almost certainly would have thrown up. Her eyes snap open, but still the after images of shuddering flesh and fingers pulling at his curls persist.
"Are people really so loose with their secrets? Or is Cian just that cruel?" Whatever she might think of prostitution as a profession, Tobi can't imagine that the bruises on his body were the only way of attaining the information Cian needed. "And the glamour...it was still you, beneath it. All of you. That's why the snapdragon and dreamdust...?" She wishes the answer was no. She wishes Finn would tell her that he remembers nothing, that there's nothing at all that ties to the bruises to him save for the fact that they're still on his skin.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
"People will say anything when it's pillow talk," Finn admits quietly. He has never been this frank about his situation. He has never dared to speak about it - but his lips are as loose as they get after coming home from Torchline. The drugs leftover in his system make it easy to talk, make it easier still to have Tobi cuddled up against him. Because much as he does want it, he knows that given the chance his mental state would rally against it. So in that way, he's almost grateful.
"I imagine they feel it a relief, to say the things they are supposed to keep inside. It doesn't matter if they say it to a whore. What is the whore going to do about it?" He rolls his shoulder in a shrug. As to whether Cian is that cruel? Finn couldn't possibly comment. "He said I could have anything I needed, when I saw him earlier. I told him no."
And he might just live to regret it, but at the moment, everything is too far away to really comprehend. A sad smile tugs at his lips at her second question. Finn doesn't want to nod, but he does. "That is why the snapdragon and the dreamdust," he confirms through a whisper.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Regrettably, Finn is the expert, much as Tobi doesn't want to believe it. She can't imagine spilling secrets just because she's had sex with someone, but then, Tobi only has one secret. And it didn't take sex to get her to tell it to Finn.
Her teeth clench as he so casually spells it out for her, and she manages—just—to keep from flinching at the word whore. It probably wasn't for Finn to decide if it was worth it, so Tobi doesn't ask. 'What could he possibly give you, that you'd want.' She wonders, shifting slightly in a way that makes her breath catch as her baby sucker punches her from the inside. "...anything would always be tainted by the knowledge it came from him. It would always remind you of this." That music shop with the speakeasy? The boards would groan Cian's name with every step. Any blue cloth inside would scream whore, but a lack of blue would just be a reminder of all the things Finn couldn't overcome.
He'd done the right thing, Tobi is quite sure of it.
"I can heal all of your bruises." Tobi whispers, this offer coming not as a doctor but as Finn's friend who also, scandalously, happens to be a unicorn. '..if you want.' She adds. While she doesn't think it makes sense for him to carry on in pain and to have physical reminders in addition to the mental ones, it was still Finn's decision to make. Gods knew Tobi had seen enough patients who needed to carry around their pain until it was their choice to let it go.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
It's almost without thinking that Finn tilts his head to rest it against October's curls - he's wiped out, exhausted by the drugs fleeing his system, and he can't do much more than sink into the sofa. It feels better than he expects to let it out - he'd wanted to tell Tobi since getting his orders, and now, although it is far too late, they are at least up to speed with one another. (Or so the Spyglass thinks, anyway).
"I would always be worried that it had come for a price," he agrees about Cian's offer. "I would be waiting for it every day." His nod is only very slight, given how close he is to the doctor. She doesn't say it out loud, that she thinks he has done the right thing, but Finn seems to feel it nevertheless. His eyes close, if only for a moment, blinking open only briefly as she shifts about.
The offer to heal his bruises, though - he shakes his head, though she probably expects that. "I can barely feel them," he admits. "And it's too dangerous here besides." Now it's her turn, and he glances down at her questioningly. "What did I miss while I was away?"
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
A relaxed sigh slips traitorously from Tobi's lips as they sink into and against one another. There's too much wrong such that the flickers of relief she feels are immediately tainted by guilt. But Finn is back, and gods she can't help but hold tightly onto that.
'You said you ached all over.' Tobi argues, though there isn't much bite in her words. As a doctor, she would have been more forceful in trying to rid Finn of this pain. But as his friend? Well. He knew the option was open to him.
As the conversation turns, Tobi exhales against Finn's chest and swallows. "Just one thing, I think." He'd missed any number of things of course, but in the grand scheme of what Finn might care about, there was probably just this. "But it's a big thing, and I don't know that you'll want to hear it right now." She can feel that he's looking down at her, but she keeps her cheek pressed against his chest just the same, worried that if he sees the expression on her face, he'll feel compelled to ask whatever the consequences.
"I can't really tell you anything else without...telling you. But it's about me, and..you. But it's nothing that has to be delt with right this second." Closing her eyes, she shakes her head slightly against him. "Sorry. That's a really awkward way of saying that you don't need to know right now, but you will eventually." But, in the interest of Finn deciding what's best for him, Tobi adds: "I'll tell you, whenever you want."
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
He did say that, and he can only smile apologetically even though Tobi won't see it. "I suppose I ought to do something about them," he says. "Do you know if there are any alternatives to dreamdust that I might take?" His voice is very quiet all of a sudden, laced with something fragile and uncertain. It isn't fear, exactly, but probably a close cousin to it. "I am... I know I am not in a good way. But I want to get better." He wants to get back to how he was, impossible as that might be. But he can't help but want it.
Tobi's voice draws him out of himself, though he isn't sure whether or not that's a good thing as he listens. "About you and me...?" he whispers, and though he tries to remember all of their times together, to figure out what he might have done, the memories simply aren't there for him right now. Finn scowls at his knees. "I..." He wants to ask. It's on the tip of his tongue. "Perhaps I ought to shower and get cleaned up first. And try to get some sleep. And then we'll talk about it, you and me?"
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
'Well...I suppose it depends on how you want your withdrawal to go.' Tobi says carefully. 'There are alternatives to dream dust, but while the other chemicals will mimic the effects, it will be a shock to your system nonetheless." Faster, but harder, in short. "The other option is to wean you off, while supplementing more mild sedatives." Longer, easier. "There's no easy way." She adds in a low voice, not because she doesn't think he knows, but because friend or not, she isn't here to set him up with naive expectations. "Not coming off of two drugs at once."
Pulling in a breath, Tobi's heart seems to ache as she presses her eyes tightly closed. "I...not you-and-me.." She clumsily tries to clarify. "..just..a thing that concerns us both. That's maybe how I should have phrased it." Because a first kiss and two orgasms on her carpet did not a relationship make. Not a surprise pregnancy, either.
What he says makes sense, but Tobi doesn't move quite yet. "How do you want to handle tonight?" What dosage, and when?
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
Finn gives her opinion the respect it deserves, the Spyglass frowning and seeming to be looking beyond the walls and carpets of her office for a moment. Wherever he goes, it's probably not good - the number of potential futures he can see spanning out before him are all very much the same. Difficult and painful, but some more than others. "I think I will wean myself off," he decides - and again, there's that pang of something that almost brings tears to his eyes. He's decided this - it's more overwhelming than he ever might have expected. "That way I suppose I will still be able to work, to some degree at least. Do you know how long it is likely to take, to do it like this?"
She clarifies and he has no idea what to make of her reaction. Whether it's good or bad, how he feels about it, anything. Finn had enjoyed his time with Tobi more, perhaps, than with anyone else. He had been looking forward to seeing her again, to taking those tentative steps towards a future that didn't seem all that dark. "Oh," he says. "Alright."
As for tonight? "I think I would prefer a full dose for this first night," he says softly. Especially if I am going to sleep in my apartment." It will be like walking into a dead man's room, and Finn will want to weep for him.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Whatever thoughts and feelings Tobi has about his decision, she keeps them to herself. This is for him to decide, and as his friend, it's for her to support him. "A few months. Some find it harder the second time around, but..." She frowns against him. "...you were clean for so long, that...I really don't know." It's tempting to say that this was the hardest thing, about all of this—that Finn had gone through this before. But that wasn't necessarily true. It was sad but easier, in some ways. There was less to explain, even if there was more to anticipate.
"You...could stay here, if you wanted." Tobi offers softly, and though she wants to turn and look up at him, she doesn't. "I can sleep on the floor." As a dog, it certainly wouldn't bother her. 'Or outside of yours, if that's easier?" Or not at all, but it wasn't as though Finn needed reminding that being alone was always an option available to him.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
"I suppose we will just have to wait and find out," he mumbles. "I will shower, then, and take my dose, and go to bed." It's as much of a plan for himself as he can get right now, and though it's basic and almost tragic with how stripped of any personal touches it is, this plan is all Finn's own. Baby steps, remembering again who he is and what he's allowed to do. His fingers flex against Tobi just a fraction, and it isn't clear whether he wants to hold her closer or let her go.
Blinking himself back to the present, Finn glances around the room and manages the smallest of smiles. "I will not let you sleep on the floor," he tells her softly. "Would you stay with me, if we go to the apartment? I don't..." Struggling to find the words, Finn presses his eyes shut, like he can seek them out in the dark. "It's a place that used to feel safe to me, but now it feels like it belongs to a different person. I suppose... I am worried." Worried that there's a shade of himself in there waiting, ready to haunt him.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Unable to help the small huff of amusement that forces its way past her lips, it dries quickly as Finn asks her to accompany him to his apartment. Or rather, asks her to stay in it. Whatever Tobi might want of Finn and wherever her heart desperately wants to see them end up, it isn't a testament to how far they've come, that she's being allowed in: It's a testament to how far gone Finn is.
Pushing herself up slightly—it takes a bit of effort on her part—Tobi doesn't try to look Finn in the eyes. Instead, she just smiles somewhere near his shoulder, and nods. "I'll bite anyone who tries to come in." She vows, really meaning it.
Pulling in a breath that she holds, Tobi rocks herself off of the couch, pressing a hand to her lower back as she stands and straightens. Discretely she tugs at her scrubs so that they don't cling to her, and then picks up Finn's dose from her desk. Turning, she pockets the medication and offers the Spyglass a warm smile. "Bedtime?"
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
"Thank you." He is far gone - so far that the man he used to be is merely an island in the distance, and there's no lighthouse to stop him crashing on the rocks when he tries to get back to shore. So as Tobi gets to her feet, Finn follows without complaint. And as much as he's blinkered to everything but the obvious, even he isn't blind enough not to notice the changes in the way she moves. His lips part, then close again. Cian's voice echoes in his mind.
He says nothing. Shower. Drugs. Sleep. In that order. "Bedtime," he agrees softly. His smile isn't warm and it doesn't meet his eyes, but he conjures whatever he can for Tobi in the moment. Holding open the door, he'll follow her out and then up to the apartment. What happens next is a blur, made that way by the presence of the woman by his side.
It doesn't feel like his apartment because Tobi is in it, and that is good. And so Finn showers, washing the sea and the sand from his bones. He shaves, but when he looks in the mirror it's an accusation staring back at him, and he knocks it from the wall in his shock. Seven years of bad luck and one hefty dose of dreamdust later, though, and he sleeps.
He sleeps hard.
For Tobi it will be like sleeping beside a corpse. If Finn does move at all it's clumsy and barely conscious, and he has no concept of how long he sleeps for, or what time it is when he wakes. Indeed, when he does start to come around, it's with that same heaviness, that same glazed, sluggish sort of comfort. His eyes flutter but they don't quite open, and he hums out a sigh that does little to bring him around.
As the door to Finn's apartment closes behind them, she remembers vividly the painfully sweet and triumphant smile on Finn's lips when he'd slammed his hand in it, that Tobi might have to stay with him. Swallowing hard, she kicks aside the mail piled up, and as he showers, she stares at it, debating throwing it away—the letters from her, at least. Before she can decide one way or the other, she's on her feet as a mirror screams to the floor. But when Finn emerges, his expression is blank, and he wordlessly gets into the bed.
Having placed a glass of water by his bed, Tobi shifts, sleeping pressed into a ball against the backs of his knees. Each time Finn moves, her head rises, her ears perked forward, and her eyes watch the rise of fall of his chest until she's content that he's alright. Tobi hardly sleeps, but she doesn't mind. While Finn had been gone she'd had plenty of sleepless nights, and though this was another, it was a different sort of sleeplessness that she was much happier to endure.
When Finn stirs into what has been the closest to wakefulness in hours, Tobi places her head on his thigh, whining a low note and pressing her nose down to see if she could rouse him at all.
