From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
Later, Finn will realise - perhaps - what has happened with Cian, what he had been offered, what he might have missed out on. Not tonight, though. It has taken him long enough to write the report and get it perfect (aka exactly how Finn wants it), and having escaped walked up to the Eye's office to deliver the folder personally, it's now quite late in the night for him to be squeaking around in spare scrubs and soft, disposable clinic shoes.
Still, as he finally reaches the ground floor of the Tower, he can feel the barest hints of sobriety start to creep back up on him. With a shiver that's only partially to do with the cold licking up his arms, he shuffles back into the clinic, ignores Milligan or whoever has taken over for her on the night shift, and heads straight back to where he was working.
This, of course, happens to be Tobi's office, given that it was the only space with a desk. His teeth start to itch and he can feel his mouth wanting to get dry now that the snapdragon has completely left his system. Without knocking, he steps into the office to collect up his belongings. He doesn't know what he plans to do next.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
It has been hours since Finn left. Tobi only knows this because of how many patient files have accumulated on her desk. She hasn't noticed how the light has slowly slipped from her office, nor how her tea has gone from hot, to cold, to stale.
When Finn opens the door it will be to see Tobi hunched over, more or less in the dark: her window allows in a little light, casting the room in blues and silvers, but it transforms the normally cheerful and warm space into just four walls adorned with shadows that vaguely resemble furniture. With her back to him and her knees as near to her chin as she can manage with the size of her stomach, Tobi's head inclines ever so slightly to the side as the light from the hallway spills in, bathing both she and a slice of the room in colour.
Assuming it's just Milligan come to deliver yet more work, Tobi returns her gaze to a random spot on the floor which has held her focus for the past...however long. 'Just on the desk' She says in a voice that's raw and rough and gentle.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
Tobi is raw and Finn is broken, and he blinks at the sudden shadows in the room as if unsure where to look so that his eyes might adjust. In the end he merely steps forward towards the sliver of illumination that is the doctor, glancing towards the desk that's stacked with files and paperwork and approaching it as if expecting to see something that is meant to be for him. "What is on the desk?" he asks softly, when he can't find anything - not even his own patient file. (Honestly, none of them are large enough to be his file).
"Are you alright, Doctor Hart?" It's a hesitant question bubbling up from hesitant lips, and Finn lingers just at the edges of the plush rug that spans much of her floor. "I didn't mean to take up so much of your time here. I have finished my report, and delivered it to the Eye's office." The meaning being that he won't be under her feet any more.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
The shadow lingers in the doorway, and Tobi is forced to hold her breath. Her sinuses have been rendered useless by her crying, and though the entire staff has probably heard her already, there's no need for Milligan to hear her mouthy-breathing right now. So Tobi places a bit of the fabric of her scrubs between her teeth, bites down, and waits.
Finn's voice, so unexpected, has the doctor looking sharply over her shoulder and releasing a sound that's partially a gasp, and partially a sob. Looking up at him with his too-long hair and ill-fitting clothes, backlit by the garish light and seeming worlds away, still Tobi's heart breaks and breaks again for him.
"No.." She whispers, but not because she wants to keep her voice down; her throat pounds with emotions that threaten to spill out, as her eyes blink up at him, shiny with tears. It doesn't escape her notice that Finn stops short of the rug, and while this may or may not mean anything at all, her mind tells her it does. Just as he hadn't touched her when he'd handed over his drugs.
Just as he hadn't touched her at all.
Stretching out a hand up toward him, her fingertips cutting through the dust-motes that dance on the beam of light he's allowed in, Tobi bites at the inside of her cheek that she might be able to keep her lips from wavering beyond her control.
04-29-2021, 08:51 PM (This post was last modified: 04-29-2021, 08:51 PM by Finn.)
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
The Spyglass might be broken, but he isn't stupid. And he's anything but heartless. So although he might have folded into himself, over and over again to keep himself safe in his return to this land of quiet halls and stone statues and cigarettes, he recognises in Tobi - in his friend, first and foremost - the threads of her nerves that have frayed beyond repair today. His lips part to say something, blue eyes tracking across her face, down her arm, her outstretched fingers--
And he falters.
But it's not about him. And if he can go to Torchline to wear a glamoured face and put himself through torture the likes of which he's never experienced, all for someone else, then he can hold his friend's hand.
"What has happened?" he asks softly, reaching out to let cool fingers slip around hers, to step forward a fraction and lean against the desk she's sitting before. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
He tries.
He tries, and she can see that he is, but it isn't enough. How cruel it is for someone to give as much as they can, and to have it not be enough. How cruel to be given a lifeline, but have to refuse lest it drowns you both.
Tobi's eyes sting with fresh tears as Finn's cold fingers brush against hers. She had expected to feel...a jolt, butterflies, the feeling that things would be okay, but instead, she feels nothing at all. He might as well be the ghost she'd thought he'd been in the basement, for all the warmth and comfort she feels from him. But he's trying, and it's all she has.
Tobi's fingers twine against his own, shaking slightly and holding his far more softly than she'd like. But she's seen his bruises. Distantly, she wonders if even soft touches are enough to wound him. "I don't know." She whispers, swallowing hard. "I don't know what to do." I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to help you. I don't know how to get up off of this floor.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
Finn blinks, both out of his depth and not. When he'd first arrived at the Tower, after Molly's, it had just been himself and his thoughts and his work. He'd retreated into his own head and he hadn't emerged for years, by which time the separation between who he'd been and who he'd become was absolute. But now? Now they've mashed against each other again, and what's more, who he'd become was someone he'd been starting to like. He'd been starting to like Tobi, too, with her bad puns and her crackers and wine, and the way her shoulder felt as a pillow for his head when he'd stayed up for too long.
The times she's taken care of him aren't wasted on him (the ones he was conscious for, anyway), and the times they'd spent together are cherished. Playing music together and walking through the Celestine in the snow at LongNight - they are the places where he lays his head now, when things get too much. And now she needs more from him than he's giving, and gods but if she doesn't deserve more than that.
"I'm sorry," he says softly, gently, and shifts to lean down before her. It's an apology for her situation, whatever it is, and his behaviour, and what he's done and where he's been. "Shall we go and sit on the couch? We can talk about it."
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Shifting her gaze as he moves, Tobi expects nothing but wants everything from him in that moment. 'It isn't your fault.' She says with a small shake of her head. He was equal parts responsible for her being pregnant, sure, but the hardest part of all of this, the you-being-away-and-coming-back-like-this, was far beyond his control.
Glancing toward the couch and wishing she could just flop onto her side and be rolled the few feet between it and her, Tobi nods wordlessly. However rather than sitting near the middle of the couch, where, if given enough optimism and time perhaps she might find herself close to Finn, Tobi instead balls herself up in the corner. Her scrubs hide most of the changes in her body even now—especially now, in the dark blue of her office—but that doesn't change the discomfort she feels.
"I...I have your..medication when you're ready." Tobi murmurs, resting her forearm across her belly and drawing one leg beneath her. "You must be close to needing it." It isn't what she wants to talk about, but even now it's easier to default to helping him, than it is letting him worry about her.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
"That doesn't mean I can't be sorry about it," Finn says quietly, the smallest hints of a smile trying to make their way across his face as he helps her up and they head across to the couch. Finn does sit near the middle, on purpose, and as awkward as he feels, the man he's been pretending at is still close behind his eyes, and so it's a very small effort for him to glance across at her and hold out an arm for her to fold herself beneath.
"You look as though you need someone right now, Tobi," he murmurs. "And I... don't know if I can be the right person, for you. But I don't want to let you go without trying." He frowns down at his knees. "I wanted to meet you at the Celestine. I was looking forward to it." His voice is little more than a guilty whisper. "But I was sent away to Torchline. I wasn't able to have contact with anyone."
He can only shrug his shoulders about the medication. He's gone without before, and it won't kill him, probably.
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
She should have wondered at that, at the easy physical proximity he was offering. Not even when they were as close as they had been, had Finn been so seemingly careless about closeness. But gods she needed it, or at least she'd convinced herself she did. Later perhaps, when she realizes what it was Finn truly had to go through, she'll hate herself for so willingly taking this precise thing that had cost him so much of himself. But for the moment at least, hesitantly and awkwardly despite the fact that it was his child growing inside of her, Tobi edges her way toward him. Remembering his bruises, she's careful where she lays her head—softly, on his chest—the rest of her body hunched awkwardly at his side.
Unsure if Finn's words are meant to apply to this moment, or to their 'situation' in general, Tobi frowns down at her hands which she's all but knotted together. "I think..." Even thinking the words causes Tobi's throat to feel like it's going to swell closed, but she chokes them out just the same. "..that I don't know if I can be your friend and your doctor at the same time right now." Her lip trembles, and it's probably a good thing the shirt he wears isn't his own, because it's rapidly becoming tearstained as her eyes fix at a point on his knee that blurs and goes out of focus.
"And I think you need me more as your doctor, right now." She whispers. Her teeth press together silently as she wills herself not to sob, her knuckles turning white as she tries to keep them from shaking. What she needed to do was sit up—curling against him was the opposite of what she'd just said—and she will. She will, but in a moment.
She just wants a few more seconds.
Just a few more, and then she'll be strong for the both of them.
For the three of them.
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
Finn doesn't know if this will cost him, too - willingly given, rather than obligatory, his arm curls around her that she might rest against him, her head pressed to his chest such that she'll be able to hear the thrum of his heartbeat. It's still a little fast, but that's the snapdragon - and it's probably Tobi, too. He doesn't know what he expected to feel, to have her so close, and it surprises him that it feels good. Safe, even, and he lets his eyes close until her voice breaks the silence.
"...? Oh... Oh, I see," he says slowly, dropping his gaze from the crown of her head down to the floor. It doesn't sound... right. It isn't the sort of thing he's able to articulate very well, but gods if Finn doesn't try his best. "That might be what I need, but I'd really like a friend," he mumbles, reaching up with his free hand to rake it through his curls. "But I... I understand. If you can't do that. I would never want to make things difficult for you."
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
This close, Tobi can smell sweat and the sea on Finn as he shifts; despite his warmth and how comfortable and easy the moment suddenly seems, she can't forget why he's here. Why they're both here, like this. Her thoughts rise and fall, propelled by hope and then tugged back down by despair. "I just..I feel so selfish." She whispers against him. "If I were in my right state of mind...I would put what you need above what you want. What I want." Because she's October; Doctor Hart. It's what she does, and who she is.
Her tears sting, but only because of how hard she keeps trying to hold them back. Were she just to cry, it would feel cleansing. Or at least Tobi thinks it would. But that is neither what Finn needs or wants.
Feeling as though if she pulls away from him now, she'll never find herself against him again, Tobi forces herself to sit up enough that she might seek out his gaze. Pregnant women might be said to glow, but right now Tobi is far from golden. "All I want is what's best for you. And...right now...I don't trust myself to know what that is." Pressing her eyes closed such that tears well up against her lashes, Tobi tilts her head to wipe her nose on her shoulder. "..and I can't get it wrong."
If she stays as his friend only, will she be able to heal his heart at the risk of his mind? If she heals his body and mind, will Finn lose the man he'd gradually grown into? Which was more important? Which was more Finn?
you are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world
"You aren't selfish," Finn whispers, and wonder of wonders, a flickering smile actually makes its way across his face. "You are the least selfish person I know. You don't need to cry for me, if that is what you are upset about." Even Finn doesn't know if he can cry for himself at this point. He can feel it building in his chest and his throat, a rising tide that will drown him one day, but not yet. Not now.
But as Tobi sits up enough to look at him, he still can't meet her gaze. He wants to, but it's as though locking eyes with her will let her know everything. She'll see straight through him, and then what? So he looks at a point just above her eyebrow, the illusion of meeting the eye, and it's all he can give for now. "Can... can I try to know what's best for me for a little bit?" he asks softly, not wanting to risk upsetting Tobi or undermining her as a doctor. "Because I just want to sit here for a bit, with you. And talk, maybe. If that's what you want as well."
please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Tobi's throat all but closes, leaving her stiffening against him as she both fights to breathe but also to keep her sob silent. If only Finn was the thing she was crying for. But he wasn't, and therein lay her selfishness.
Finn is good at looking without looking, but Tobi notices it just the same. Maybe it's better for them both this way, but gods it doesn't feel like it. "Okay." She agrees, her lip still trembling and her fingers still tightly clasped together. How much she wants to reach out and brush the curls from his forehead, but she's gotten the distinct impression that some things are still off-limits.
"I want to." Tobi takes a breath, and then another, and another, each one growing steadily less shaky. "Do...you want to talk about things, or...just talk?" Given the choice between talking about what had happened to Finn, or what was upsetting her, for his hatred of her puns, Tobi thinks he'd probably still rather that.
