damnation at a full sprint

SUNJATA

the flood

you killed a man there, and i cried
but the rain masked the hurt behind your face

It helps more than she knows, that she avoids staring straight at him while he lets the emotions within him war with one another. There’s sorrow and rage, despair and fury, pendulums of emotion that have him swinging from edge to edge, unable to tamper it down until he speaks, until he can get her to distract him from the initial need to draw blood from those that had harmed his space (and the initial need of curling up in his smallest shift and disappearing from the world).

Her hand to his shoulder surprises him, but he doesn’t flinch – he just draws a shaky breath, settling and shutting his eyes tightly until he can regain a semblance of his composure, even if it’s patched with shitty tape and a childish hope that he remains still through it. I know. He says to her apology. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. How could he have known that the time he was away that things would fall apart? They never had before?

What made this time different?

He manages to settle, arms braced on either side of the warped metal lantern, the ash coating against his fingers and reminding him of ages ago when Apopo had blown and Sunjata was the lowest he’s ever been. He wonders if this will compare, realizes soon after that it won’t, because he has Nate. Because he has Aurelia. Because he has his friends and family to make him stronger, no longer alone and adrift in his internal sea. Not when he has so many to find him.

“I am. I will.” He says quickly, aloud because it felt more of a solid promise than a simple mental rumbling. Even if it hurts. And as she launches into everything, Sunjata’s mentally tacking down the names, those that he would need to visit, those he would need to ensure had a place to stay (Adam), and as for the letter to Morgan? Well, it’s exactly what he had already told Nate they needed to do.

He pauses to work his jaw, lips flattening in a tight line before he takes a sharp inhale, exhaling as the warring with himself becomes easier, as he can stuff the lantern away for later now that the initial shock has worn off. You’ve done a great job, Aurelia. He compliments, red ringed gaze finding her face, his lightning scarred hand reaching out to rest on her shoulder, to draw her in for a hug. I feel… Like I can’t trust anyone anymore. But I trust you and I trust Nate. When we go to Halo, I trust that you can handle things. He gives her a light squeeze before he pulls himself away, casting a glance back to the lantern.

I told Jack that Deimos is banned from Torchline. He pauses, head tilting back toward her. I need to speak with Hotaru before anything else. Refitting the jail is necessary. Until then, I don’t want Halo’s General anywhere in Torchline. Hotaru, if she’s found here, we need to detain her.

by the way, dear, we're alive
and it hurts 'cause we survived it

Aurelia

'cause not everything means something, honey
so say the unsayable, say the most human things

"I know," she remarks, voice steely. She knows he'll take matters into his own hands, she just hopes he'll know by now that there are others he can lean on. He doesn't have to do this all alone. "You're here now," the muscles in her back draw taut and her shoulders lift with them, "that's all that matters." Though, to his credit, his apology helps. Not that she'd blamed him, but... it still helps to hear it. She knows he wishes that he was there, to stop all of this from happening. Maybe if he had been, it wouldn't have happened though. Maybe they were waiting for an opportune moment.

But when he settles, she musters up the courage to delve into everything. She tries not to leave anything out but also summarize it in a way that doesn't waste time. And when she's finished, waiting for everything to soak in and for him to process, she finds relief in his praise. Her expression softens and, as he reaches out for her, her tension slacks and she leans into the embrace.

His voice finds her again, through the bond, though she knows by now she can't quite speak to him like that in this form. Their connection had felt much stronger when she was shifted, but right now.. she feels safe enough to remain as she is. Even though, "I don't think we can trust anyone." It's a whisper of a confession. "With everything that just happened, and... with the Order.. it's not gonna be easy from here on out." She stirs against him as he lets her go and she pulls back, but not very far.

She leans in as if it'll help her hear him better, even though his voice is clear within the bond. Her gaze flashes with uncertainty at the mention of Deimos. She hadn't known he had a part to play in this at all and, though she doesn't know the man terribly well, she never would've expected that. "Deimos? Why is he apart of this? Hotaru, I can understand to a point. She's angry, she wants revenge, but... Deimos? When I met him, he taught me more about my abilities. He seemed so... above something like this." But whatever image she had of the MoNoLiTh and his stoic wisdom suddenly comes undone.

if everything is temporary
I will bear the unbearable

SUNJATA

the flood

you killed a man there, and i cried
but the rain masked the hurt behind your face

He supposes that is all that matters. That he’s here now, he’s returned and can start to take matters back into his own hands. For now, though, he needs a place to start – a space to begin, and he tugs her close into a gentle hug, some sort of attempt to ground himself with the distraction she’s offered by the information.

That is, until he stiffens like a board when she mentions the Order again. Because there’s the Order and the War that’s coming, on top of these smaller affairs. And he wonders just how he’s to manage all of this when he and Nate had wanted to have a moment to have their family. Perhaps it’s selfish to still want and crave the happiness it can offer. Perhaps it’s all Sunjata’ll get.

He huffs out a sigh, though, through a painful throat, nodding in agreement. But her confusion is palpable and her explanation of the Sword is one that Sunjata both understands and doesn’t. Because Deimos often had that stony face, but he knows who few may be capable of bringing him out of it.

Deimos is Hotaru’s best friend. He tells Aurelia, letting his reddened gaze scan her new freckled face before he looks away, trying to figure out where to begin the explanation. I saw the sketch of the eagle Jack had. It matches Deimos’. And when it comes to revenge for Hotaru, Deimos is first in line. Another pause, a slight slump to his shoulders as he tries to avoid her gaze. He actually came to my house last season. During the monsoons. Threatened me but said he wouldn’t do anything given that Kamaria was home. So it turned into a… If I hurt Hotaru again or messed with those he cared about, then there would be retaliation. He pauses to rub at his side, at the scars that Deimos had given him over a year ago. But I hadn’t… I didn’t do anything.

by the way, dear, we're alive
and it hurts 'cause we survived it

Aurelia

'cause not everything means something, honey
so say the unsayable, say the most human things

She notices him stiffen at her mention of the Order, but she tries not to let it impact her too. It's difficult. Inside, she's always been a mess and all these different pieces have been haphazardly scooped up, all tucked away into the same untouched cavity in her heart. Maybe that's why she lashed out so readily at Hotaru's companion. But there's no going back, and she's more fearful of what might happen if everything festering within her were to explode.

She swallows down the explanation of Deimos and Hotaru's relationship or, more importantly, Deimos and Sunjata's relationship. "He threatened you..." Her teeth grit together angrily. She hadn't even known. "As if Hotaru is perfect. She brought plenty upon herself, and she hurt you too. I mean, she stabbed you. And who goes to bat for you? Huh?" Her nostrils flare as she fumes, and much of what she's saying is simply impulsive, out of anger and her protective nature - she doesn't need a shift for that. "Well, maybe it was no one before, but things are different now. You've got me, Nate, Jack. Safrin. I don't care if Deimos is the General of the fucking Cordillera, or if Hotaru wants to kill herself trying to create a war over personal revenge. I'll be the first person to say for a fact that that will only end in her own death, Sunjata, but, fine. If that's what she wants, she can have it." Her lips snap shut and she stills, huffing. How much of that she meant remains to be seen.

With that said, all that's left for them to do is act. "The jail will be ready for them both, if they have the courage to face the consequences of their own actions," and with a heavily aggravated sigh, she feels her anger dissipate now that it's had a chance to get off her chest. "But with Deimos' help, who knows what else they have planned..." she trails off.

if everything is temporary
I will bear the unbearable

SUNJATA

the flood

you killed a man there, and i cried
but the rain masked the hurt behind your face

It isn’t the first time he’s threatened me. Sunjata says through the bond, working his jaw despite how Aurelia begins to grow angry, frustrated, pissed off. He doesn’t blame her – it’s only fuel to his own inner fire of anger. But Sunjata’s quick to respond to who went to bat for him when she’d stabbed him with that dagger.

It’s with a pulse of something unreadable, as if it’s a mix of comfort and discomfort. Safrin. The tattoo, it moved when she stabbed me. Healed me. It’s a warbling sensation, one that has him shifting on his feet uncomfortably, inhaling a sharp breath, dragging a hand through his hair, now grown out quite a bit more than he typically kept it.

Still, he’s still bound to Safrin, in more ways than one. It’s something he hasn’t thought much about since Nate had returned, since everything had started, but he hopes that she’d be there to protect him, to help him, when nobody else could. Aurelia’s rage is palpable in the air, though, and she doesn’t need to be attuned to get the point across – the way her anger melds in some strange chimera of his own with his grief.

He tugs her closer again, in another hug. I’ve banned Deimos from Torchline. He pauses, lips curling in a frown. Hotaru, though, she’ll need to be captured and brought back before we decide what to do with her. As for whatever else they have planned? Well, he knows one thing. It’d be important to separate them. We need to separate them, prevent any other possible plans they might have. For now, though? This… Was an attack on me as far as I can tell.

by the way, dear, we're alive
and it hurts 'cause we survived it

Aurelia

'cause not everything means something, honey
so say the unsayable, say the most human things

His saying that it's not the first time does little to dampen Aurelia's spirit, at least not until she's finished expelling all of this anger.

"Well- that's good, isn't it?" she queries, about Safrin's tattoo healing him. Even still, he didn't seem to entirely think so, not as he shifts his weight uncomfortably. And though she understands a bit better now what it's like to give oneself to the herald of life, it's the choice they made.

When she's done ranting, all she can do is let her words bleed back into rationality as the red fades from her vision and she's left looking back up at Sunjata. Regret flashes in her eyes, suddenly sorry that she's put the weight of her own anger upon him, but it disappears as he pulls her into another embrace. Suppose it's what they need in this moment, to have their fires be matched rather than contained. Her hands come up around him, fingers tightening around the fabric of his clothes as she listens to his voice.

After inhaling a deep breath, she slowly pulls apart from him, one of her hands lingering on his arm. "She wants to hurt you without being hurt herself, and if she's this angry at you... I don't think she's going to stop at this. They've had time to regroup.." she swallows down as she looks at their surroundings, "I-" She shakes her head and looks down sharply, "I've got a bad feeling, Sunjata. Constantly. The longer time goes on, the worse this feels." It's hard to admit, and it's even harder to explain. Her hand falls away from his arm and she steps back, tilting her head a bit.

"But you know something? What's so twisted about all of it," She looks at him with a sharper gaze this time, "I met her while you were recovering from Remi's... punishment, when you were framed for hurting Vervain. She told me all about loyalty, about giving you a reason to come home, people to come home to, and she seemed to care so much. She was so ready to protect you, so suspicious of me," her lips twist into a deeper grimace, something akin to a bitter snarl because oh the irony. "Then, she does this, and this is who she really is. She never cared about you or Nate - not more than she cared about herself. That's why she left you when Kamaria was born, because she couldn't handle it, she didn't want to raise someone else's child - the fact that it was yours didn't matter. It didn't matter at all, did it?" Her gaze narrows. Although she's doing a lot better at tempering her anger this time there's something that feels a lot more furious and steely about it. And she knows this is hard for Sunjata to hear, but even so.. she says these things anyway.

if everything is temporary
I will bear the unbearable

SUNJATA

the flood

you killed a man there, and i cried
but the rain masked the hurt behind your face

It’s both good and bad. It’s good because Safrin’s there to look out for him, because she’s there to protect him as she’d always said she would. Bad, because if there was someone that wasn’t a fan of his husband and the fact Sunjata invited the Ascended in for protection, well… He’d become a spy the night Kamaria had been conceived. From there? Well, it was up to whomever decided whether it was good or bad.

Some days good, some days bad.

She moves on, though, pulling away from his shaky embrace as much as she wishes to – an arm still lingering on him – and despite the fact he can’t feel her rage as he might with the attuned bond, he can only guess it matches his just as much even if he dampens it. “I know, Aurelia.” He says with a sigh, aloud because he’s forgotten until his voice burns and his throat constricts around the words and he takes a sharp inhale after with an internal wince – trying to swallow down a fair amount of spit to try and soothe the jagged sensation of his lungs.

He draws silent, somewhat into himself as she goes on to explain what was twisted. And of course, it sparks something dreadful, something painful, Sunjata wondering if Aurelia’s right – that paranoid piece of him that’s inherited from his father only barks the orders back to him that it’s true. That he was a fool. That he had been played. Manipulated and told that it had all become his fault when she’d weaseled her way in despite knowing just how much he fucks things up constantly.

And what drives the nail in deeper? The fact he felt like he’d done everything right. They’d parted well, as well as he ever has with someone he loved. And here? Here he was, floundering, with a burned building and an attack on him.

And for what?

…No. He says quietly, having already made his mistake of speaking aloud. She said… She was already grown and she couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t happened. That she couldn’t be a mother to her. It’s grit out, even mentally, and Sunjata finds himself pulling away from Aurelia more fully – drawing tightly into himself, an arm wrapping around his middle as his eyes land back on Lusea’s lantern, melted and broken, not unlike his mind and his heart. That she wasn't a good enough woman to be able to forgive me, which is fine. Nate hasn't, even though he's come back. I don't... Get forgiveness for it. I've accepted that. We've moved on.

Fingers curl into his bicep from where it’s folded around his middle, and his gaze remains sharply on the lantern as if it might hold all the answers he seeks. I… I don’t know, Aurelia. He doesn’t know entirely what to do. He has ideas, but they feel so far away, so difficult. He needs Nate – that sharpened rage from the Ascended that guided him like the sharp snap of a bowstring were he to be the arrow.

by the way, dear, we're alive
and it hurts 'cause we survived it

Aurelia

'cause not everything means something, honey
so say the unsayable, say the most human things

Sunjata draws into himself and fuck, if that doesn't hurt; if she can't relate to the pain she can see in his eyes. She'd wanted to withdraw, too, but had forced herself to stay present - even if it means her anger is the only thing keeping her going. Her own gaze drops to the lantern, too, but it does little to quell her hammering heart.

Her eyes lift back up to him quickly when he says he doesn't get forgiveness. Swallowing, she shakes her head.

"You don't need forgiveness, Sunjata," she assures him. She sighs heavily, trying to gather her thoughts because they are so utterly scrambled in all directions at the moment. "It wouldn't change anything, in the end, if you can't forgive yourself. We all have to live by the decisions we make. But you have a good life here, you have a family, a daughter... you started something for yourself that you deserve to have. You've done more than most even could in your situation and that means something... If other people can't see that, then... then they don't matter." And that's it. It is that simple because it has to be.

Maybe it's not the call to arms he wants, but it's real and it's raw. It comes from a place of personal understanding. Sunjata doesn't need to tell her everything in order for her to know that he blames himself. She does, too, but she'd rather pull him up from that low place than let his wounds fester. Even if it's hard for her to take her own advice most of the time..

This is what she hopes people would do for her. And to be disappointed by the majority of them is apart of life but, there are always those few that do matter at the end of it all. Sunjata is one of them, she thinks.

"So..." her back straightens and she crosses her arms over her chest, chin lifting, "go and do what you have to do, Governor, for yourself - and I'm right there with you even if no one else is."

if everything is temporary
I will bear the unbearable

SUNJATA

the flood

you killed a man there, and i cried
but the rain masked the hurt behind your face

If there’s one thing Aurelia could say that would shock him, still him to second guess everything he’s thought about these last few very long months, it’s exactly the thing that falls from her lips. That he doesn’t need the forgiveness – despite how long he’s gone thinking that he needed to be forgiven for his crimes. For all of them. For the blood that continued to drip from his fingers, as if he’d never quite been able to shut off the faucet.

And so he stills, his eyes lingering on Aurelia but not quite looking at her. It’s pushed away, a far off thought as he focuses on what she says, trying to digest it and the understanding that only comes from someone who would likely have done the same. And he decides it makes it an easier pill to swallow – that perhaps, even if Nate never forgave him from it, that the demigod understood why he had done it.

It hadn’t been done in malice. It hadn’t been done in anger. It had been a betrayal specifically made of love, because Sunjata’s far too weak of a man to survive without the Ascended. Because he’d rather try and find a way to selfishly keep Nate with him rather than have to live a life without him.

I haven’t forgiven myself for the things I’ve done decades ago. He says quietly, sadly. Even if everyone else had, those deaths at his Trial still sat in dusty boxes in the basement of his soul, still there, still looked at, still ashamed of.

He had never wanted to be a murderer. He’d never wanted to become like this. He’d never wanted this.

But her words fracture him, and he has to look away as his face twitches, screwing up slightly as he purses his lips – the scar along his cheek tugging with the motion and he works his jaw, teeth grinding together as he takes a steadying breath before his mental voice is croaked back to her, the only thing that comes to mind through his speechlessness, unable to come up with anything more eloquent but he hopes the point still comes across. Aurelia... Thank you.

- FIN <333

by the way, dear, we're alive
and it hurts 'cause we survived it