the ghost of all you’ve loved and lost

// It's not enough that I'm running on empty
I had to go and run out while I had you in the car with me //

"Why did you come back Hotaru?" Like everything else that's left him, the words are pointed, wrapped in all the barbs and hurt Nate can muster. "Did you think it was going to be like last time? Or the time before that? Did you think you'd come back and we'd welcome you home again, into our lives and beds like you'd never been gone?" He can’t help being mean; if he takes a hot poker to his emotions, his soft spots, they can’t be used against him.

Confused anger tugs at Nate’s face, furrowing his brow and tugging the corners of his lips even further down. “How would Deimos have any idea what we were doing?” His cheeks bulge out with yet more anger ready to spew from his mouth when Sunjata cuts in mentally. There is still something him that is ashamed, something that he tries desperately to shut up. He distracts from it by dipping his hands into the glow of Sunjata’s rage, letting it rekindle his own and burn away the shadows of doubt and shame.

Hotaru shifts, something that is strange to see, new and uncomfortable and yet another reminder of the distance yawning between them. Distance that is doubled by the way Nate is cut from half the conversation suddenly, though it doesn’t stop him from stepping between Sunjata and Hotaru. Just in case.

A move that turns out to be wise on his part, though not for the reason he expects. Sunjata is the one to leap, Nate reaching out with two pairs of arms to drag the panther back, a sharp hiss in his mind. Don’t start anything He holds the other tightly, jaw working while he does.

“I’m beginning to think I never really knew what you wanted.” The words are soft, cold, in the face of all of there anger. Even this is still anger, wrapped up and frozen and left to thaw and ache over time. The sparks and conflagration return to him quickly, all the venom on her words only spurring Nate on.  "I painted you? Far as I can see you're the only one holdin' a brush here." "Why did you even come back, if it was all so fucking conditional?"

Sunjata shifts back into himself, and Nate’s arms stay wrapped around him, not willing to risk anything at this point. Not willing to let the attuned make a mistake he wouldn’t let himself make. There are no words to respond to Hotaru’s accusations, about their lack of consequences, when hadn’t that been her departure? But Nate can’t even put words to that thought, not right now.

NATE

did goodbye mean letting go?

They don’t listen. Their words are wild and chaotic, difficult to follow, and her own go unheard. Her pain does not even make Sunjata flinch, her emotions do not cause him to even bat an eye. They have made their judgment of her. And she is so, so tired.

Straightening, horribly human once more, Hotaru reaches for the back of the chair behind her to steady herself. It hurts, but in the distant way that all things hurt now.

“I came to try and prove my innocence. That was all.” The sting of his words are not responded to. Would she have done it, if they asked? If they had expressed a single iota of desire to have her return? Yes, she thinks miserably. Yes, she would have. But as she looks into their eyes, she doesn’t see any sign of that. Only a cold surety that they are right and she is wrong. That they have been hurt more. It is juvenile, just as Seren had said, and Hotaru’s heart is too broken to try.

Most of Sunjata’s words are blatantly ignored. He twists her words thrice over, and she will not entertain his stupidity - or needling, whatever it is that spurns it. “She was no soulmate, merely human. Do not try and compare the two. If you lose Haai, you will know the difference.” Because she will not defend herself, but Atlas? He deserves that much when they won’t even think twice about the weight of a companion’s loss.

There are too many things that still long to be said, sequestered away in her breast. She decided to let them wither there. There is clearly no logic or empathy to be gained from them, which only hurts her all the more. History, love, it has no bearing on one mistake - one they cannot even prove her to be guilty of. “I’d like to leave now,” she says softly, eyes vacant on the bloody marks on her dress. “I came to talk about the fire. Not this. And if you will not believe me, then I would rather return home. A missive to Morgan with your decision would be appreciated.” So that she may tell the Warden it is done, whatever they choose her consequence to be, biased and hateful they may be in their judgment.

There is no point in fighting to be heard. Understood. For all she may still be tortured by her love for them, clearly they do not feel the same. And that is all the proof she needs that Deimos was right, despite their protestations. They moved on as if they’d never loved her at all. Her words are nothing more than a distant buzz, and Hotaru will not stand around to be yelled at with no real purpose in sight.

and did letting go mean forever?
 

HOTARU

// it's not enough that you're wrestling yourself
but your friends talk shit while you're going through hell //

What innocence? Comes Sunjata’s immediate response, held back as he is from making a grave mistake. With the buffers between them, he’s half grateful for it. The other half rages against it, wanting nothing more than to break through the chains when she simply disregards the fact of how much Lusea had meant to him, the ends of the himself he’d waded through. But it’s Nate’s voice that cuts through after, telling him to not start anything that has Sunjata slumping against the wall, swallowing against the blood in his mouth, trying and failing to quell his temper.

He takes a shaking inhale, sure that Nate can feel through the arms around him that Sunjata shakes and trembles with his anger, his restraint. You will be held for further questioning. He manages after a moment, raw demand in his voice that seems to say he won’t budge on it. And in a fit of his frustration, the muscles in his jaw flicker as he shifts out of Nate’s grasp, grabbing the destroyed lantern from the table. I will let Morgan know.

Because honestly? She came to talk about the fire and all Sunjata can see is a direct line from this that leads straight to the smoke. If she doesn’t want to talk about it? Then fine. But it doesn’t make her innocent. It doesn’t make her free to go just yet, whatsoever.

He needs to clear his head, get out.

And so she goes in the cell, then it gets locked, then out the two go before everything begins to crumble even more.

— FIN <333

// you said it feels like you're swimming through mercury
and every night you think you're gonna die in your sleep //

SUNJATA