Sunjata -

i'm only just strong enough, i'm sinking through the ground below

(The letter arrives later, crumpled in parts, as if he wasn’t sure whether or not to send it. It’s within a relatively pristine envelope, an old seal from Torchline he’d used as Governor to keep it closed. He doesn’t know if it’ll reach her, but he sends it anyway – )

Hotaru,

We both know that I’ve read the letter. In fact, I’ve read it multiple times. The most difficult part about this is figuring out where to start, so bear with me.

I think it’s important that you should know when I made the deal with Safrin, it wasn’t something I was intending to do. I didn’t intentionally step out of the house wanting to break your heart. I made that deal when she woke me from my sleep, beckoning me to her. To talk about the war, to talk about sides.

You know how I get. Especially so soon after everything with my father.

I broke a bit in front of Safrin. I know she doesn’t approve of Nate, of being with an Ascended. And with war coming, you were Abandoned at the time. I knew you’d be okay. And if I lost you because of my decision, at least I knew you’d survive the war. Nate, though?

I can’t lose him. It’s different with you, because despite how I’ve hurt you, I didn’t have a hand in killing you. I could with Nate. I needed to make sure I wouldn’t. I needed to make sure that even if everything went horribly south that I had a chance to keep him with us.

I should have asked. I shouldn’t have agreed as quickly as I did. But I was afraid that if I said no in that instance that the deal would be off the table.

You know I’m nothing but impulsive and terrified.

I never wanted to be one of those souls that hurt you as badly as the others had. I never wanted to be another Thranduil for you. I just need you to know that it wasn’t my intention when Safrin called me to her to arrive back home about to become a father.

I’m sure you can relate given the situation with your children and Remi.

(the ink here is dried differently, as if it’s taken him a few days to piece it together)

I had to let you go. I fucked up. I let both you and Nate go because I had nothing to make you stay. I broke your trust and Nate’s and I had nothing to try and fix it. I can’t fix it. What’s done is done.

I spiraled when you both left. I’m sure that’s no surprise.

I couldn’t go after you both. You made your stances clear. I had nothing to offer. I would fuck up again. I’m trying my best not to, but you know how that goes. It’ll happen again and again.

Deimos came to visit me when you and Nate were gone. He told me the only reason he wouldn’t hurt me for what I did to you was because of Kamaria. So I couldn’t chase after you, not knowing how susceptible I am to hurting you. I kept my distance. I had hoped it was enough. And when Nate came back, it was… Difficult, but we’re working through it. We still are. We’ve moved on because we had to. We moved on because after my father, Torchline was sprawling with everything that viewed me as weak. I had to put on a face. We both did.

He’s the only thing I have aside from Kamaria anymore.

As for Halo, I haven’t heard what happened. I’ve been busy and away as of late, but word will spread fast I’m sure. Was it me? No. I’ve only been in Halo on a quest for Safrin to Whitebrim. A trip that hasn't included any dragon of any sort.

Congratulations on your twins, though I am saddened to hear that you thought lying about the arson would protect you more from the repercussions of it. Your pregnancy was a surprise, yes, but I had hoped you’d know me better than to know I’d put you in danger. If anything, we had planned to keep you there for your safety. We had planned to move you somewhere more comfortable, with check-ups to make sure everything was going to be fine.

But it went south when our witness – Jack, maybe you’ve heard of him – had seen you and shared it with us and you couldn’t find it in you to trust us enough to tell us before Remi took you away.

After all those months of not trusting my mind and those around me, the Advocates and the Clinic were the last straw for us as rulers of Torchline. If I had remained, I would’ve become my father. I'm already paranoid, my trust in nearly everyone but Nate and my daughter is gone.

So we’ve left. Letters likely won’t find me. But if you’d rather talk face to face, feel free to have Remi let me know.

For what it’s worth, Hotaru, I loved you too.

But I cannot and do not forgive you.

– Sunjata

so hold me, just long enough to
show me how to find my way back home

SUNJATA