(SE) need some room to breathe

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

Snow, snow, and more snow. Except aside from usually loathing it, he finds it fitting. Maybe it’s because of the way the snow bites into his skin, in the way his fingers and hands have turned a splotchy red as he wipes the snow from the petals of some lingering flowers along the burial grounds of Mourn. He sighs, slipping the glove back on, kicking a bit of snow off of his boots as he continues to search.

After a moment, though, he finds a stone, rounded and edged like an opal sticking out from the snow, topped with a bit that he brushes off and lifts to inspect. It’s been here a while, likely an offering if he had to guess, btu without knowing much else more about this place he has no reason to try and leave it. So in his pocket it goes, along with the lingering red stalks of a snapdragon that poke out of the ground, bundling them together and holding them in his hand as he continues his search – silently, quietly, and alone.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

She could fly to the Greatwood with greater ease, she knows. Still she knows her wings are the least familiar forms of those granted to her. It is a bittersweet memory to recall Remi's promise to teach her to learn them - she only prays all is not lost, that a chemical imbalance that broke the woman who never faltered will not strip her of potential moments and days with the father of her children. He is one of the few she still has these days. Or so she hopes, with how they'd parted last she'd seen him.

The snow beneath her paws scarcely crunches at all. Her golden fur is warmer than what she'd initially come to King's End wearing at the tail end of autumn, even if the bloodless landscape is not meant for her gold and russet tones. It matters little. She is not trying to hide - has nobody to hide from. Nobody is seeking her. Nobody is looking. She can't remember the last time she was this alone, and it seems only fitting that she ruminates upon it as she passes through well-tended burial grounds.

It makes it all the more obvious when there is another soul out in the snow then. At first she intends to walk right past, leaving them to their visitation and mourning. Only...she knows him, even from the corner of her eye. The set of his shoulders, the way he walks, the exact shade of his hair beneath the grey overcast sky. Things that will never fade from her memory even with the ashes of everything she'd burned between them. She hesitates for a moment before turning towards him. Call it loneliness or a moment of weakness, Hotaru doesn't have the heart to examine her desires. Though she does shift back to her human form as she approaches, guarding her heart from the bond - too inexperienced to trust her control with it. "Sunjata?" It's soft but clear in the snowy air. Painfully reminiscent of the very first day they'd met, both collecting snow moss. She stands, arms somewhere between crossed and hugging herself, a little underdressed, and out of place in more ways than one.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

The bundle of snapdragons are held in a tight lock of a gloved hand when the voice calls out – one that stills him, that reminds him of a mixture of emotions – of better days and worse days, one that hits in the bittersweet chambers of his heart. There’s a cloudy exhale, a closed off silence from his side of the Attuned bond, an empty shell.

Only this time it’s different, because while he harbors the few extra scars since they’d last met, she’s no longer pregnant and Sunjata bears far more scars than before. Puncture wounds that have ripped out the ink to his compass tattoos, tearing away the northern points that are visible above the collar of his shirt, as well as the brief edging of more scars that dance down to tuck under his shirt along his chest as he turns to her. “Hotaru.” He greets quietly, solemnly, exhausted. Nothing to add and nothing to take away, nothing to do about the things that happened, even as the memory of her letter flickers through his mind.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

He freezes, but it's more like a sudden turning to stone than a flinch away from her voice. She isn't sure which she would have preferred. Unsure what to do now that he is aware of her presence (run? Nod and move along? Move forward, reach out, determine he is not some figure of her imagination?) she merely stands there, useless and uncertain in a way that doesn't suit her.

Automatically her eyes fall to scan him from head to toe when he turns to her. Looking for...she isn't sure. Perhaps it's just another habit she can't break. Making sure he isn't injured, just as she had every time he'd come home. There are even more plentiful scars now, and her mouth turns downward without her conscious control, far too obvious on any other day or with any other person. Lifting her eyes to the neutral steel of his own, she stays rooted where she is even as a selfish desire urges her forward. He is not the only one with the letters on his mind. But what more can even be said that wasn't written in ink on that day? He had refused to forgive her, and she had not asked for it. That was that. And now here they are.

What now?

"Maeve told me you'd left Torchline. Did you move here?" It's too much like small talk, and she hates it, but Hotaru doesn't have the right to ask him about his scars anymore.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

She scans him and he subconsciously does the same, unsure why she’s wandering the wilds aside from what Remi had told him. Aside from that, she seems fine, and there’s the minimal clouds that leave his nose as he exhales a warm breath as her small talk question rises and hangs in the air between them much like the clouds of their breath.

“Yes.” He says quietly, working his jaw for a second before he snaps out of it, trying to ignore how similar it was to when they met, careful not to crush the snapdragons in his hand nor to loosen the hold he has on the Attuned bond between them. “We needed to get away. Stepped down and left.” Surely she could understand that.

He’s silent for a moment longer, tearing his gaze from her to scan the flowers in his hand, bright blood red against the pale background of the snow and his gloves. “Congratulations on having twins.” He says quietly, awkwardly, lifting his gaze to meet hers again.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

She doesn’t. Understand, that is. She had never felt the need to step down as a ruler in any of her times. Then again she’d never ruled alongside a lover, or been torn between celestial duty and mortal affection the way he was. So though she cannot empathize, Hotaru can sympathize. Humming softly in some variation of understanding, the Valkyrie turns her gaze away; too graceful to be awkward in her uncertainty, though she doesn’t doubt he can read between the lines anyway. “And has it helped?” Or did it merely feel like watching an hourglass, the slip of each grain of sand another stab of anxiety and early grief? Had he merely traded one battle for another?

His congratulations spears through her, entry and exit wound in one, and she flinches bodily away from him. Lip curling in animal warning, wounded and cornered, before the human can temper the transparency of the urge. “Don’t. Don’t congratulate me on that.” Though she tries to sound forbidding her voice is too hoarse for it to be successful. She loves the twins so much she feels she’ll die, but the circumstances of their conception and birth turn the words into daggers when said by the man she’d loved. The man she’d wanted to father those children once.

Desperate for an out, her eyes fall to the blood red flowers in his clenched fingers. “Medicinal?” It’s painfully obvious, but it’s better than prodding at a wound in her heart Hotaru doubts will ever mend.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

Her question is a difficult one to answer. On one hand yes, it had been better. But on the other? More difficult. Though he can say it’s easier to sleep at night without the fear of a knock on the door. It still doesn’t stop the nightmares, though. “It’s been good for us.” He says instead, because for Nate and him it had been good, better for their relationship. The rest would fall into place one day, hopefully.

His gaze narrows as she flinches and that familiar crease between his brows appears as they furrow. “I’m sorry.” He hadn’t known it was a painful subject. Hadn’t known what exactly to expect when it came to facing the woman he had loved so dearly.

His hand lifts and he inspects the flowers a second in silence before he shakes his head. “It’s a gift for Nate.” He says, looking back up at Hotaru as he works his jaw, the scar twisting and moving. “It’s uh… Been hard this season so far.” He looks away, scanning the fields of flowers buried by snow. “I lost Haai not that long ago. I suppose we have something in common again.” The joke falls flat, hanging limply in the air.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

She nods mutely, letting his words sink in, trying to grapple with how they make her feel and coming up empty handed. "I'm glad," Hotaru settles on, because that at least is a truth she can abide. He can keep as strong a hold on his side of the bond as he'd like - she has no way of sensing it, so young to her own Attunement as she is. Even so, they both seem to pick their words with care, and it's disheartening. Still, she doesn't know what it was she expected.

Even when they fumble, her hackles smooth back down the moment he apologizes. They always would. Hotaru turns partially away, arms coming up to hug her elbows for lack of anything better to do with her hands. "Sorry. I...there was something wrong with me. Something that happens to women after they give birth sometimes. I was a danger to them, and Remi took them to keep them safe - I haven't even seen them yet." It's terrifying to even mention, but Hotaru is so very tired of lying to him. Had never wanted to in the first place. Though it may color how he sees her, she won't do it again. "And I don't want to be congratulated on a mistake, at that. Something that has caused so much pain." To her, to him and Nate, to Remi and Ronin. It would never impact her love for Flora and Enzo, but it was similarly something she never wanted to hear him congratulate her on.

She had expected it to be a gift for Nate, but she couldn't have hoped to anticipate the rest, and she stumbles forward a few steps instinctively - wanting to hold, to console - before her mind catches up and stops her, dropping a half-risen hand back to her elbow. "I'm so sorry," she croaks, and is not at all surprised to find her eyes hot and throat thick, all his joking meaningless in the face of her sympathetic grief. "I wish...I wish you never knew, how it felt. I'm so sorry." Because what else is there to say? She won't ask how it happened. Couldn't tell the tale of Atlas' demise again if she tried, especially after how many times they'd asked it of her. She won't make Sunjata go through that same experience, never even contemplates revenge for it.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

Her explanation over what happened with the twins only has him nodding, some amount of understanding coming through. While he’d never had to deal with it personally, he was the one that was often involved in having to either take children from their parents when too many had been birthed, he was the one that often had to deal with those that went off the deep end. Perhaps he’s sympathetic to Remi as well – even still, his and Remi’s relationship had gotten better, even if it was still tainted with the memories of murder.

But it’s her comment of causing him pain that has him surprised – his gaze snapping back to her, jaw working quietly. “It was… Wasn’t the twins that hurt, Ru.” He finally settles on. The children were innocent, accidents happened – he knows this, hell, he’d nearly had the same thing with Phoebe if the blight hadn’t snuffed out that light before it took full root. “It was just before, all of that. But we talked about that already.” He shakes his head, his freehand rising to run through his hair.

It isn’t intentional to bring the mood down but he does spy the way her hand half rises to comfort him and there’s a part of him that craves it, that wishes it was the way it was before when she could wrap her arms around him and tell him it’d be okay. Her croak has his gaze shuddering and he blinks as he looks away, back out to the snowy fields. “It was my fault.” He explains as if it means that she doesn’t need to keep saying she’s sorry. Much like her situation with the congratulations – the apologies hurt just as bad.

“Are you cold?” He asks suddenly, desperate for any other kind of conversation.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

His understanding, even if only in his silence instead of condemnation, makes tears burn along her lashes. She feels childish for being so grateful for such a relatively small mercy but can't deny it. Though she blinks them urgently away as he focuses on something entirely different than she expected - though perhaps she should have. "I know," she whispers. All too aware of the pain she'd caused him. "But it pained me, even if it didn't you. That's why..." why his daughter with Safrin had hurt so badly. But is that not exactly what had caused them to fracture apart? The weight she placed in children and the weight he did were not equal. And that is exactly why she cannot accept his congratulations - because she had wanted the twins to be theirs.

He looks away from her, and she takes that moment to be brave - or perhaps bold, too bold - and steps forward to gently lay her hand on his elbow. The safest place she can think of. Trying to force him to turn and look into her eyes, which are fierce and understanding in turn. She knows exactly the blame he is piling onto himself, felt exactly the same about Atlas' involvement in the fire and the fact that it had killed him. "No. No it wasn't." He may have no reason to believe her, but Hotaru can't stand not trying.

Though her nerve fails her immediately after, and she withdraws her hand, though not fast enough to hide the red tinge to the ends of her fingers. Smiling sardonically, she pulls at her clothes lightly. "I wasn't dressed for winter when I left. I've mostly been traveling as a cat. But it's fine - I'd rather talk to you." In a way that doesn't open the Bond. Hotaru would be willing to shoulder his emotions, but she knows the importance of feeling like you're in control of what you're sharing with others. Wants to give him that control.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

“I know.” He repeats her own words, a sigh leaving him in a cloud of pale hues, working his jaw as he nods as if to confirm it. “I never meant to hurt you.” It wasn’t his intention – it was the only thing he could do in order to try and give Nate a fighting chance if the war moved in the Old Gods favor, which it was likely to do it seemed. But she knew that, she had chastised him for trying to fix Nate when all Sunjata wanted to do was never lose him.

All the grief continues to pile on, though, and Sunjata feels the cold fingertips as she places them at his elbow, his gaze immediately snapping to her just as she wished. She tells him it wasn’t his fault and he wants so desperately to believe her, but he simply doesn’t. He could have told Haai to leave. He could have gotten her out.

And he didn’t.

Her hand withdraws and Sunjata shuffles the flowers he’d picked into the pocket on the front of his shirt, shuffling out of the warm fur lined jacket he wears, revealing more of the same scars briefly before he’s replacing skin with the fur of his nyala shift to keep him warm as he offers the jacket to her. “At least wear this until we part again?” Because even if things couldn’t be forgiven between them, he certainly didn’t want her to harm herself with frostbite or sickness.

It’s been his regular jacket for a while now, lined with the scent of smoke and whiskey, the underlying scent of sea and sandalwood that defined him most days. And if nothing else, it would sit on her like a trench coat and hopefully keep her warm.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

"I know," she echoes back at him, and smiles painfully. "I know now. I didn't then. You were thinking of him." But not me. And had that not been exactly the confirmation of her fears? Inhaling slowly, she hugs her elbows tighter, and doesn't let herself look away from the steely blues of his eyes. "I forgive you." And it is both the easiest and hardest thing she has ever said. She couldn't have said it any earlier and had it be as honest.

Hotaru watches him shrug out of his jacket and knows what he intends to do long before he offers it to her, and knows she is too weak to say no. Silently she moves forward to take it, not so presumptuous as to think he will help her into it as he might have once done. His scent overwhelms her, stealing words from her tongue as she stands there simply breathing and feeling like it's the hardest thing she has ever made her body do. He still smells like home. Like everything good and right in the world. Everything she can never have again.

It takes far too long to clear her throat to speak, and even longer to achieve it without the rasp of tears in the undertone. "Thank you." Tilting her chin to gesture to the fur lining his silhouette, she gives a wry grin, trying to distract from the redness of her eyes and the general grief of the previous topic. "Still waiting for the day I can do that. I understand why you do it all the time now." How it feels as if the animal is part of you, an extension instead of a different form. "Still haven't gotten the hang of flying yet, personally." Remi had promised to teach her, but...well, she isn't holding out hope that that day would come now.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

“I was. Because it wasn’t you I had to worry about.” Because despite her being Abandoned – and now Attuned, it wasn’t a thing that crossed his mind. Because she would make it out either way, she wasn’t tied to her god the way that Nate was tied to the Voice. If Frey were gone, nothing for Hotaru would feasibly change.

It certainly wouldn’t destroy her. She wouldn’t have to go through the slow, awful death of starvation.

But it’s her forgiveness that has his gaze shuddering, has him looking away from her as he swallows back against the tightness in his throat, has him blinking away the sheen of tears that wish to take root. That deeply buried memory of his father’s voice chastising him as a child for his tears coming back to haunt him. Be strong.

He both does feel strong and doesn’t feel strong at the same time, especially as he nods and offers his jacket out to her – and he does help her at least get one arm through before he withdraws into himself and latches onto the shift in conversation. “It’s a blessing and a curse.” He comments idly, lifting his hand to inspect the multihued fur that lines his forearms, hiding the tattoos Safrin had inked there. After all, she was right when she said it popped up all the time – but it was because he couldn’t keep them separate anymore. His personality too interwoven with the mix of creatures that thrummed through his soul.

He does look back to her when he recovers, though, a raise of a dark brow and the brief break of a small smile tugging at the scarred corner of his lip. “You have a flying shift too?” He asks – suddenly realizing more and more how much of a stranger she felt like now – if not before when everything went down.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes
We are the ones who don't slow down at all

"That's not what I meant," she says softly, and her smile is sad but understanding. "You were so tied up in thinking of how to save him - you didn't think about how the solution would hurt me." Taking a steadying breath, she smiles, a little softer, a little sadder. "But I forgive you for that too." She's still learning how. Forgiveness has never come easy to her. Bitterness and grudges had been the only fuel to the fire that kept her going for such long stretches of her life before him. But for him - for them - she will try, and try, and try. Her hands will never reach and hold that which she had before, that precious sun she once revolved around. But she would do anything to be able to feel its warmth, even from afar. Even as a memory.

Hotaru isn't sure who they're fooling, scarcely able to hold each other's eyes, touches fleeting and hesitant in their half-remembered motions. It hurts in ways she has no defenses against. Nobody ever came back after leaving her. Nobody ever pulled at the half-stitched remains of wounds they'd caused - and she'd certainly never had time to cause her own. Wishes she had, once, to have learned the lesson that would have given her pause before setting fire to the sad remains of what she'd once loved.

She too is struck by the differences - though his are far more visible. Scars and ink and exhaustion around his eyes. Hers are held close to the vest, hidden, concealed. Unfairly reminiscent of who they are as people. "Yes - a hawk of some sort I think, though far paler in color than any I've ever seen. I've never been one for even heights though, so flying has been a bit difficult to grasp." Her smile is twisted and wry as she aims it his way. "Not exactly sure how that one is a reflection of my soul yet." They had no choice over their shifts for precisely that reason, but Hotaru doesn't see how the whimsical nature of flight and freedom pertains to her at all.

And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall

HOTARU