even if i could go back, i don't belong there anymore
If only Saartjie could read Sunjata's mind and really know the way that he viewed himself. That he thought he was someone people turned to when they needed less than savory things and people taken care of. If only she knew that he thought himself a killer and felt that he was drowning in the blood of those he had killed. She'd have told him that if he wasn't good then neither was she. He wasn't the only one with blood on his hands. She was responsible for the deaths of noblemen and their sons who had decided to take part in the rebellion. She was responsible for deaths of countless enforcers because she'd been the one reporting their movements to the rebellion. She had killed her own husbad and had ended a life before it even had a chance to begin.
But she didn't know, because he didn't tell her. He stayed silent even as she crossed the distance she had put between them. When her arms wrapped around him she could feel his trembling, hear the way that he was breathing and knew immediately that he was panicking. He had done the same thing when he had come back from his trial. She had tried to comfort him then, only to be scolded by their father because "he's a man now and should be proud of the fact that he's the one that survived." The difference was that this time it was her fault and the guilt weighed on her as she tried to comfort and calm her brother down.
So she held him tighter and her fingers ran through his hair as she began to quietly hum a tune their mother used to sing to them to calm them after Shaju had terrorized them.
Saartjie felt his arms wrap around her, felt him lean into her, bury his face in her hair, and was relieved that it, along with her apology she supposed, seemed to have worked. Jata spoke his own apology and she sighed softly in response. Belatedly, she realized that she must have sounded a lot like their father with her disapproval, with yelling at him, and demanding things from him that he couldn't give her. He was dead and gone, but he was still very much alive in her and it made her stomach turn.
She didn't know how long she held him for, beating herself up over the way she had treated him before she finally let go and sank back down to her regular height. When Sunjata did finally release her Saar reached up, cupped his face in both of her hands and pulled his head down so she could press a kiss against his forehead like their mother used to. "What can I do to help you?"
But she didn't know, because he didn't tell her. He stayed silent even as she crossed the distance she had put between them. When her arms wrapped around him she could feel his trembling, hear the way that he was breathing and knew immediately that he was panicking. He had done the same thing when he had come back from his trial. She had tried to comfort him then, only to be scolded by their father because "he's a man now and should be proud of the fact that he's the one that survived." The difference was that this time it was her fault and the guilt weighed on her as she tried to comfort and calm her brother down.
So she held him tighter and her fingers ran through his hair as she began to quietly hum a tune their mother used to sing to them to calm them after Shaju had terrorized them.
Saartjie felt his arms wrap around her, felt him lean into her, bury his face in her hair, and was relieved that it, along with her apology she supposed, seemed to have worked. Jata spoke his own apology and she sighed softly in response. Belatedly, she realized that she must have sounded a lot like their father with her disapproval, with yelling at him, and demanding things from him that he couldn't give her. He was dead and gone, but he was still very much alive in her and it made her stomach turn.
She didn't know how long she held him for, beating herself up over the way she had treated him before she finally let go and sank back down to her regular height. When Sunjata did finally release her Saar reached up, cupped his face in both of her hands and pulled his head down so she could press a kiss against his forehead like their mother used to. "What can I do to help you?"
Saartjie
