You're so cold
but you feel alive
She shifted ever so slightly. Settling in, for what amounted to a very long story. Or very short, depending on how much twenty or so years could be summarized.
"If I kept anything, it wasn't to be secretive," she told him, so softly the rain almost drowned out her words. Good thing he was Ascended; just like another man she'd confided in once, Amun always heard her. "It just never felt relevant. Or important."
"It's not like I have any great secrets, either. It's just... living in this place. Growing up here. I don't think you can know what it's really like, until you've been trapped." But he had. Stuck in a cave - maybe he could relate. "There was never enough food. The farms yielded only so much that we survived - never enough to thrive on. LongNight - you know what that's like. I am... twenty and five years old. This will be my first actual LongNight without monsters." She picked at a hem in the trousers. The cloth was damp. More than damp, actually; before she would have shivered where she sat. "My mum died when I was born. Cot fever - there was a snow storm, so the healer didn't get there in time. I almost died several times growing up. Sick all the time. I didn't have many friends - only Amalia, and Evie. Sam's sister. Don't know if you ever met her? Anyway, it was Amalia's mother who looked after me for the most part. My father and brother were busy tending the farm. They didn't have time for me, though Noah tried to be there when he could. I spent a lot of time staring out the window, watching them work. Watching Amalia and Evie play." It had been lonely. Thinking back, she recalled hating the bed that she lay in, and the ever present knowledge that she was a burden to her family.
"I got a bit better as I became older. I could help out more, and I begged the old hunters to teach me how to lay traps. For a time I could bring some game home, and my father smiled at me for the first time in... years. He was a good man, you mustn't think otherwise. I loved him. But I was Abandoned, and he honored the Old Gods. I think he might have been afraid of my abilities. So I hardly ever used them, except in secret. And I always felt guilty about it."
Maea wondered if she sounded as numb as she felt, as the words left her. The shape and taste of them were foreign on her tongue - she didn't speak of herself like this. Hardly ever.
"I told you before that I was teased a lot? And had trouble with.. boys. Not long after, my eyes began to fail. It got worse and worse, until I couldn't read and barely saw where I was going. It was... terrifying. I don't know if you can imagine what it's like, to be useless in a place where every hand counts. Someone who can't see is someone who can't work, and so can't contribute. We raised sheep. Harvested apples, and made cider. You need good eyes for all of that. So I prayed. Every day, at every shrine. I even left my family just before LongNight, so I could be at the Temple. So I could pray, and maybe be heard. It was the only hope I had left. And... and Ludo answered. It gave me my sight back." Not for free, of course, but she never expected that.
"That LongNight... when I was praying at the shrine, my family died to the monsters. I saw... when I came back, I saw the house. There was blood everywhere. And no one was there anymore. Not a trace." She left them, and they died. Suddenly, there was no need for her to have good eyes anymore. "Some of the Outlanders helped me keep busy. Jigano, Sam... As long as I had something to do, I didn't have to think. I could go on, you know?" She had to wipe at her cheeks again. Shimmering tears of fluid had streaked her cheeks for a while now, but she hadn't noticed. "I was promised adventure. Books. Knowledge. They taught me how to fight, how to bind books. And then... the barrier came down. I was among those who went into the Spire. I couldn't... stand being trapped anymore. I went against my gods, and joined one of the groups. Down, not up; we had to fight a giant turtle, and then there was gas - I had to go up and get help for the others. When the others reached to top, I had been taken to the infirmary. Busy coughing up blood, and all that." Her eyes stared vacantly into space.
"I didn't know what was happening at first. The air changed, and... pieces of something came falling down. I went to pray... and this time it was the Voice who answered. I remember being terrified. Here she was, the great monster in all the stories I'd ever been told. Set lose, and with my help, even though it was the opposite of all I'd been taught. The conversation was... not very pleasant. She showed me exactly how she turns people into Ascended. With me as the subject - a failed version, due to my magic. Did you know that skin can slough off like wax if it gets hot enough? I never saw that happen before. When I asked what she would do now, she said she would never let herself be caged again. No matter what. I sort of understood what she meant - not right away, but over time."
Blinking, Maea realized she was losing track of where the story was going. So many things had happened, and so fast it was all a blur. "I don't... know if any of these things really matter. It mostly feels like excuses, to me. I guess I just... don't feel like I get to be selfish. Because bad things happen to those around me. Noah died. My friends got hurt, there in the Spire. Sunjata got a lot of scars after I asked him to take me swimming in the ocean. Then I hurt him again when I couldn't... accept... that I alone was not enough. And then I died... and hurt more people. You, as well. And now... I am back here. And I keep hurting people." She tried to swallow; the tongue was parched in her mouth. "I set fire to Nate's hospital. I hurt a girl in Torchline, to get her blood. I said terrible things to Harper... Nothing I do ever ends up good. How many years have passed since the barrier fell? And I have accomplished nothing, in all that time. I couldn't even be content to stay with my God. I don't... feel like I ought to be here. I don't... want to hurt anyone anymore."
The words ran out. Silence fell.
"If I kept anything, it wasn't to be secretive," she told him, so softly the rain almost drowned out her words. Good thing he was Ascended; just like another man she'd confided in once, Amun always heard her. "It just never felt relevant. Or important."
"It's not like I have any great secrets, either. It's just... living in this place. Growing up here. I don't think you can know what it's really like, until you've been trapped." But he had. Stuck in a cave - maybe he could relate. "There was never enough food. The farms yielded only so much that we survived - never enough to thrive on. LongNight - you know what that's like. I am... twenty and five years old. This will be my first actual LongNight without monsters." She picked at a hem in the trousers. The cloth was damp. More than damp, actually; before she would have shivered where she sat. "My mum died when I was born. Cot fever - there was a snow storm, so the healer didn't get there in time. I almost died several times growing up. Sick all the time. I didn't have many friends - only Amalia, and Evie. Sam's sister. Don't know if you ever met her? Anyway, it was Amalia's mother who looked after me for the most part. My father and brother were busy tending the farm. They didn't have time for me, though Noah tried to be there when he could. I spent a lot of time staring out the window, watching them work. Watching Amalia and Evie play." It had been lonely. Thinking back, she recalled hating the bed that she lay in, and the ever present knowledge that she was a burden to her family.
"I got a bit better as I became older. I could help out more, and I begged the old hunters to teach me how to lay traps. For a time I could bring some game home, and my father smiled at me for the first time in... years. He was a good man, you mustn't think otherwise. I loved him. But I was Abandoned, and he honored the Old Gods. I think he might have been afraid of my abilities. So I hardly ever used them, except in secret. And I always felt guilty about it."
Maea wondered if she sounded as numb as she felt, as the words left her. The shape and taste of them were foreign on her tongue - she didn't speak of herself like this. Hardly ever.
"I told you before that I was teased a lot? And had trouble with.. boys. Not long after, my eyes began to fail. It got worse and worse, until I couldn't read and barely saw where I was going. It was... terrifying. I don't know if you can imagine what it's like, to be useless in a place where every hand counts. Someone who can't see is someone who can't work, and so can't contribute. We raised sheep. Harvested apples, and made cider. You need good eyes for all of that. So I prayed. Every day, at every shrine. I even left my family just before LongNight, so I could be at the Temple. So I could pray, and maybe be heard. It was the only hope I had left. And... and Ludo answered. It gave me my sight back." Not for free, of course, but she never expected that.
"That LongNight... when I was praying at the shrine, my family died to the monsters. I saw... when I came back, I saw the house. There was blood everywhere. And no one was there anymore. Not a trace." She left them, and they died. Suddenly, there was no need for her to have good eyes anymore. "Some of the Outlanders helped me keep busy. Jigano, Sam... As long as I had something to do, I didn't have to think. I could go on, you know?" She had to wipe at her cheeks again. Shimmering tears of fluid had streaked her cheeks for a while now, but she hadn't noticed. "I was promised adventure. Books. Knowledge. They taught me how to fight, how to bind books. And then... the barrier came down. I was among those who went into the Spire. I couldn't... stand being trapped anymore. I went against my gods, and joined one of the groups. Down, not up; we had to fight a giant turtle, and then there was gas - I had to go up and get help for the others. When the others reached to top, I had been taken to the infirmary. Busy coughing up blood, and all that." Her eyes stared vacantly into space.
"I didn't know what was happening at first. The air changed, and... pieces of something came falling down. I went to pray... and this time it was the Voice who answered. I remember being terrified. Here she was, the great monster in all the stories I'd ever been told. Set lose, and with my help, even though it was the opposite of all I'd been taught. The conversation was... not very pleasant. She showed me exactly how she turns people into Ascended. With me as the subject - a failed version, due to my magic. Did you know that skin can slough off like wax if it gets hot enough? I never saw that happen before. When I asked what she would do now, she said she would never let herself be caged again. No matter what. I sort of understood what she meant - not right away, but over time."
Blinking, Maea realized she was losing track of where the story was going. So many things had happened, and so fast it was all a blur. "I don't... know if any of these things really matter. It mostly feels like excuses, to me. I guess I just... don't feel like I get to be selfish. Because bad things happen to those around me. Noah died. My friends got hurt, there in the Spire. Sunjata got a lot of scars after I asked him to take me swimming in the ocean. Then I hurt him again when I couldn't... accept... that I alone was not enough. And then I died... and hurt more people. You, as well. And now... I am back here. And I keep hurting people." She tried to swallow; the tongue was parched in her mouth. "I set fire to Nate's hospital. I hurt a girl in Torchline, to get her blood. I said terrible things to Harper... Nothing I do ever ends up good. How many years have passed since the barrier fell? And I have accomplished nothing, in all that time. I couldn't even be content to stay with my God. I don't... feel like I ought to be here. I don't... want to hurt anyone anymore."
The words ran out. Silence fell.
lay your hands on me
one last time
MAEA
