I've turned the grief to medicine

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

With modern support, he could have done this alone. Maybe not in Phoebe’s eyes, but he could have. He would have suffered if it meant honoring Phoebe’s memory. But Caido is not that world, and Harper is still a councilman, and - above all that, those reasons or excuses - Caido is cruel. It defies logic, and Harper despises it.

“Would knowing make it any easier?” he asks quietly, defeated. Not wanting to conceal or lie, but just as aware of the fact that it would do nothing but put a face to the entity she could torture herself with at night. “Maeve.” He is careful to keep any inflection from his tone as he says it. Trying to spare her what little grief he can.

She leans into his touch, and this at least he can give her for now. As she dries her cheeks he gently presses his forehead to hers for just a moment before pulling away. “Okay. Let me grab as much of his things as I can on short notice and we can go now.” He has to give her privacy with Jude, not just for her sake, but so that Harper can prove to himself moment by moment that he can trust her with him. Not in terms of skill or love - but that she would not disappear, and take Jude with her this time around.

He retreats back into the doorway leading to their private rooms - only now realizing Julie had disappeared to give them privacy - and collects as many jars of baby food, diapers, toys, and clothes as he can fit into one giant bag. Then he emerges anew, laden with items, and gently ushers Phoebe to the exit and the chilly spring outside.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead Phoebe recoils, physically and emotionally, pulling back from Harper and staring at him as though he had two heads. "Maeve?" she said, a mix of anger and hurt in her voice. She didn't need to say more. Harper knew she had been a Halenani employee, one chosen specifically to run it when Phoebe inevitably moved on was put in a cacoon. Maeve was a friend, a student, a former employee - so many things that briefly she wondered at his faithfulness. The opportunities had been ample after all. But that wasn't Harper. Not the one she knew anyways. But still the name was a slap in the face. The demigoddess tried to ground herself, focusing hard on the sleeping boy in her arms. She had to. She had nothing else. In what to her felt like a matter of hours a dear friend had stolen away the love of her life. And that seemed to be what Harper didn't understand. Yes, it had been a year. She recognized that and the complications of it. But for her it had been hours. Mere hours and her world was upside down. Phoebe kissed the boy's head. He was the only light left in her world it seemed. "Let's go." Phoebe said dryly, emotionless and distant as she turned to leave the Stargate or whatever this enterprise was.

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

Worse it was. Such was the inevitability of honesty. Truthfully Harper doesn’t think about the fact that Phoebe only remembers the Maeve of the Halenani. It’s still hard to even wrap his head around her absence only being minutes long to her, of course he doesn’t. So instead he nods mutely, because she doesn’t say anything that reveals any of her thoughts to him, or ask any clarifying questions.

Instead he returns with Jude’s things as quickly as he can, sure the evening is far from over. That she would have more questions, that he would have to update her on Torchline, the war, the tension of the world at large. Her dryness is not quite a chill, but he feels her distance all the same. Perhaps it’s just desserts. Either way, the journey to their old shared home is silent, and only once Harper opens the front door and enters to open the windows so the still air can dissipate does he venture to speak. “After about a month I couldn’t do it alone. I helped raise Edmund when Maeve’s partner abandoned her, and she was struggling with raising him and being Queen at the same time - so I went to her for advice. She wouldn’t hear a word of me coming back, she moved Jude and I into the Court immediately so that I didn’t lapse in my duties as a father or a Councilman.” Again he’s careful to keep his tone neutral, to not reveal the gratitude and emotion he’d felt that night. At least Phoebe would recall Harper being added to Torchline’s government; that, at least, would be familiar. He sets Jude’s things down and begins clearing off the couch, so Phoebe might sit and hold Jude while he slept.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead It was just as well that the journey was silent. Phoebe was wrapped in her own thoughts, internally melting down while her external self remained reservedly composed. But they do arrive and that required work. Opening windows mostly. Once the couch was cleared she sat, Jude held snuggly to her chest. Again she listened to Harper in silence. But her response was quick when he finished. "Then you decided to mix business with pleasure." she said curtly, brown eyes staring holes through him. "I know it was a year for you, but it was hours for me so it is hard not to question how long this has actually been going on." she said, stroking Jude's hair. "Maeve always was one of my popular girls at the brothel." Phoebe mused. "And I'm, what did they call it...vanilla. Why would you want me back." she said, tears of frustration and sadness welling in her eyes. And oh Harper was a man. So seemingly sweet and innocent but she knew his deviant side well.

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

Harper whirls on her immediately, eyes guarded. “I know this is a lot when you feel you’ve been gone minutes, but you’re being cruel. I am not your exes - you know I would never cheat on you. Or at least I thought you did.” And it hurts more than he will ever let her see that she accuses so quickly, so easily, after all they’ve been through. How many times Harper has waited, forgiven. How much work it had taken to get over Kora, dead for years by then, before he’d even entertain being with Phoebe.

Taking a deep breath he turns away, hand rising to pinch the bridge of his nose until his heartbeat slows enough that he deems himself ready to speak civilly again. “Nobody says two ruling regents are mixing business and pleasure. I even offered to step down in light of us starting a relationship.” Don’t presume on a single sentence what our relationship is when you weren’t even here to see it start, he wants to bite, but doesn’t. No, that would be his hurt speaking, and despite having grieved her with no expectation of ever getting her back, he will equally never stop loving Phoebe. And he can’t hurt her - even when she does it to him, even when the words are right there. It wouldn’t be fair. She hadn’t chosen to leave. But wasn’t that always the case?

Scoffing, he shakes his head. “If anyone is vanilla, Phoebe, it’s me. And you know that! Not to mention you are Frey’s Demigod. You can’t seriously be using that as a reason - sex has never been a deal breaking thing for me. If you had never wanted sex in all your life, I still would have -” married you, he wants to say. But they hadn’t, had they? Because she had too much trauma around that type of union. Sighing, he sinks into the chair opposite the couch, and stares resolutely at his shoes. “What do you want to know? I don’t know where you want to start. If you even want to do this right now at all.” If she didn’t, she would be more than welcome to spend the rest of the day with Jude alone, and Harper would give her space and time to absorb all she’d been forced to contend with in such little time. He wasn’t cruel - he could still see her side, how hard this must be for her.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead Phoebe flinched under the bite in his words. She was used to Sunjatas anger - loud and longwinded circular self-absorbed ramblings. Harper cut right to the chase. She hadn't expected it...frankly she didn't know what to expect. He had never been angry with her. But like with her exes, she knew how to cut right to the quick and did so on instinct. "I'm sorry." she said quickly, gaze falling to the floor. That had been unfair of her to say. Unfair of her to even think. She knew that wasn't his way of being. That he would never, even if he was coerced. But it had come out regardless and she did regret attacking him that way. So instead she falls silent, his words falling over her like a slap in the face. Not that he would ever hit her, but the pain of his words struck a similar chord in her. For a long time she remained like that, silent, resigned. She had no words. Where did she even start? "How do we make this work?" she finally asked, looking at Harper with sad eyes. They had a child. He was stuck between her and Maeve. How did they resolve this?

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

It’s true, he’s nothing like Sunjata; was that not part of why she’d been able to trust in him, even after all she’d been through? It proves itself again when her apology and shame immediately settle him, his temper always short-lived and restrained, and rarely unjustified. Staring at his shoes, he sighs softly. “I can’t imagine how this feels for you, I’m trying not to ignore that,” he says softly. “It must feel a lot more like cheating, because time hasn’t passed. But I would never do that to you Phoebe. Not in this life or the next.” He may hurt her in other ways - ways he can’t control, and that he never could have anticipated if the current situation is any proof - but Harper had vowed she’d never have to wonder or fear infidelity with him. That would never change.

It’s hard to look at her, because even after a year it’s hard to see her so sad, but he makes himself do it because she deserves to be looked in the eyes as they figure this out. “I don’t know Phoebe, I really don’t.” But he’s the fixer isn’t he? So he rubs a hand over his face and tries harder than he ever has to put aside his emotions to find a more logical solution. “The house is already in walking distance to the Court, so it’s best for you to stay here with Jude. I can be here every day, so we can both be raising him. But I’d…I’d like him to still come to the Court some days. He and Edmund are close, and he won’t understand why Maeve isn’t there anymore this young.” No matter what Phoebe may feel about Maeve, or Maeve and Harper being together, he won’t hurt Jude by ripping away the only maternal figure he’s had since birth.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead Phoebe lifted a hand and rubbed at her eyes to dry the tears that threatened to overflow. "I know you wouldn't. I just...it's hard." Hard not to let old hurts rise to the surface, hard not to feel betrayed even in the face of logic and fact. And Phoebe had always been an emotional being, remembering to infuse logic was not always her strongest suit. The Nightingale listened to her love as he spun a tale of how they would handle Jude, and slowly she nodded. It was agreeable. But..."I will have to spend some time in Meadowreach with the garden." she reminded softly. Frey's work was her work. She would have to set up a home there as well and travel between - and she wouldn't leave her baby behind. Not again. "And what about you and me...and Maeve." she said, looking up at him. "Or is there no hope for me? Your mind is already set to Maeve." she said. Resolution here would be the most difficult because while Harper had a year to move on, Phoebe felt as though nothing should have changed.

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

The tears don’t come for Harper yet. Later, once the shock has worn off a little, he’s sure they’ll come. For now all he can do is hold his head in his hands and nod listlessly. “I know. I know it’s hard Phoebe…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t have a fix this time.” That he can’t repair this with a wave of his hand, like his easy acceptance of her time in her demigod cocoon, or her desire to not marry. He had given her as much of the world as he could fit in his hands, but he was merely a man. What did that amount to in the eyes of a woman turned half-god? He is mortal and flawed, and because of that he cannot fix what has been broken.

He balks despite his good intentions, teeth gritting immediately at the idea of Phoebe trying to live in two lands again. “Why would you need to live there after the garden is made?” he asks, careful to keep his tone neutral. Ask the relevant questions, get more information before he gives in to the dark, age old nature in his chest that refuses to let his child out of sight for more than a day or two of travel.

Harper knew she’d press, ask directly, but he wishes selfishly that they could just focus on planning Jude’s parenting. “I think it’s too soon, and the hurt and confusion for both of us too close, to even think about that right now.” Trying to be peaceable, neutral, about a topic far from that. “I don’t want to give you false hope, Phoebe. I…I love Maeve. And I don’t love people lightly, you know that. I know it wasn’t your fault either time, but you’ve disappeared without a trace twice now. That…that isn’t easy for me to overcome. I don’t know how to trust it won’t happen again; and I don’t want my relationship with you - or with anyone - to be spent on pins and needles, waiting to be left behind.” And, as unfair as it might feel to Phoebe, Maeve had been there from the start. First as someone for him to protect as a bouncer, then a friend, a confidant, a ruler. A best friend. Someone he could rely on, and who could rely on him in return. Maeve was as steady as the tide, and Phoebe…well, Frey was like the wind, and Phoebe the petals that would drift wherever it pulled her.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead Phoebe shook her head at his words. "You can't fix the world Harper, and it is the world that has caused this." she said, voice tight. But for the brief moment of levity she looked genuinely puzzled. "I suppose I wouldn't need to." she admitted, feeling a slight weight come off her shoulders. At least she wouldn't have to split her time between places again. But then the conversation turns once more and devastation grips her heart. He had said all the nails in the proverbial coffin. He had mourned her. He had moved on. He couldn't trust her to stay. And he loved Maeve. Carefully she propped Jude on the couch, nestled in pillows. Then she leaned forward, heels of her hands pressing against her eyes. For a moment she is still and silent, but then it came like the monsoons in Torchline. A gutwrenching sob broke through her lips and she cried, feeling her heart tear from her chest. There was no hope. He would chose Maeve. They always chose whoever the Maeve was. "Please...just...what I have-had with you...it won't happen again. Not for me." she said, voice tortured and broken with tears. She and Harper had been natural, drawn together from the day of his arrival. She literally owed him her life. Losing him was losing part of her self, one she could never replace, one no one would ever quite fit again. "Please don't count me out."

the echoes of the thunderclaps
reverberation of the dead

She’s not wrong, but “I wish I could.” It’s a defeated murmur. Wishes won’t change anything meaningful. Even prayers wouldn’t. No matter how magical Caido is compared to his original world, some things even Gods can’t fix.

Relief floods through him at her answer; broad shoulders slumping and curling with gratitude that this, at least, could be resolved. “Good. He can go with you when you work on the garden of course I just…I don’t want him too far for too long.” From eyesight, even, but Harper would also have to make concessions to make this work.

Her grief is so immediate that it’s like an electric shock, and Harper doesn’t bother thinking about whether he should or shouldn’t before he covers the space between them to gently rub her back. Heart like a sinkhole in his chest, intent on devouring everything within reach. It almost feels like a backhanded compliment, to say that she’d never find someone else; he had, and that somehow implies that his loyalty was lesser. But he doesn’t dwell on that. Can’t, when he can hear the desperation in her tone. Harper bows his forehead to rest against the back of her shoulder, and tries not to cry with her. “I can’t promise you anything Phoebe. Even just to make you feel better. But I…I can give you that much.” That he’d consider it, not count her out as she put it. He hates that his mind might not change, doesn’t want to leave her with any shred of hope that might tear her apart, but he can at least give her the honesty of saying he will think about it.

Gently pulling away, he wipes his face and gestures weakly to the baby items on the table. “Everything he needs is there. I think we both need time to think over all of this. I’ll be back tonight?” Tone goes high at the end, doubting his welcome at the last minute and turning it into a question. He hovers near the door, waiting for her to tell him whether she’d like the night alone with Jude or not. Only then will he go.

provides the tempo for the song
describing how all things went wrong

Phoebe Steadman I've dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead It isn't much, barely an agreeance. But it is something for her to cling to that just maybe everything would be okay. In the back of her mind, doubt wriggled. The odds were stacked against her. He was a modern man. Keeping a family together wasn't as important as his heart or mind. It was a concept she couldn't fathom but had to accept. "Come back. Jude won't want to be with a stranger for too long." she said, voice tight and pained. She was a stranger to her own baby and it nearly killed her. {FIN}