Every Torcher in Caido Liked Christmas a lot...
But Remi, Who lived in a houseboat, Did NOT!
Remi hated Christmas! The whole Deepfrost season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be because he once full lost his sight.
It could be, perhaps, that he once had the blight.
But I think that the most likely reason to say,
May have been that his Ronin had gone far away.
Whatever the reason, His eyes or his Nova,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, willing it to be over,
Staring down from the deck with a sour, Remi frown,
At the warm lighted windows beyond in the town.
For he knew every Torcher in Torchline beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his tentacles nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, every Torcher you see,
Would wake bright and early. They'd start drinking whisky!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then each Torchline family would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on cloud manta, and rare ramphire roast.
Which was something that Remi just hated the most!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Torcher in Torchline, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And then they'd start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more Remi thought of Torchline in their cups,
The more Remi thought, "I'll fuck this all up!"
"Why, for thirty-one years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
REMI GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Remi laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Ludoodle mask and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Loodle trick!"
"With this coat and this mask, I'll scare them all sick!"
"All I need is a luxere..." Remi looked around.
But, since luxere are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop grumpy Remi? No! Remi simply said,
"If I can't find a luxere, I'll make one instead!"
So he called over Sugar. Then he took some red thread,
But Sugar did bite him, and took herself off to bed.
He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And began making tracks.
Remi said, "Fuck yeah!" And the sleigh started down,
To the beach where the Torchers Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Not a sound filled the air.
All the Torchers were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house in the square.
"This is stop number one," Remoodle did hiss,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney, which was weird for Haulani.
But, if Ludo might do it, then so too could Remi.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where big Torcher stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Single-malt! Spiced! Blended whisky and gin!
Champagne! Vodka! Rum! He took everything!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Remi, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He moved like a ghost!
He took the cloud manta! He took the ramphire roast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as you must.
Why, Remi even took their last bit of Dreamdust!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Remi, "I will stuff up the tree!"
Ignoring that euphemism, he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Torcher!
Little Flora, whose friends could not help but adore her.
Remi had been caught by his own tiny daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Remoodle and said, "OMG, Ludo,”
"I'm a big fan! This is weird even for you, though."
But, you know, Remington was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Ludoodle lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to beat it with a brick."
"Then I'll take it to Mort - it'll be a great trick!"
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Flora tip-toed off to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but fishhooks and wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a smidgen too small for even a mouse.
Then He did the same thing to Torchline's other houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For Torchline's other mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All Torchline, still a-bed,
All the peeps still asleep When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The wine! The liqueur!
The ice! And the glasses! A true saboteur!
Out into the waves! Tethered to The Northaven,
He sailed all the way out to sea like a craven!
"Eat shit, Torchline!" he was Ludoodly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Torchers in Torchline will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned Remoodle, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And Remi put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the quell.
It started in low. Then it started to swell.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
Out of tune, even so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Torchline! Remi popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
A man in the square, starlit and shut up tall,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
Ronin was home, HE CAME HOME, he came!
Somehow or other, he's home all the same!
And Remi, with his Ludo mask on the sea,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could this all be?"
"He's here from afar! He's back here for good!"
"He's here even though I stole away all the food!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Remi thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe I was wrong," he thought, "to be so out of touch."
"Maybe I went mad because I missed him so much."
And what happened then? Well...in Torchline they say,
That Remi's AHEM grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load LOL through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the whisky! All the drinks for a toast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! Remi carved ramphire roast!
