run me like a river

Sohalia, unlike most people, did not have secrets. She'd never been a very secretive person, wearing her heart on her sleeve and willingly talking about almost anything, even to people she barely knew. So her hesitation to share her experience was different, abnormal, uncomfortable in a way that she couldn't identify. She didn't want to keep quiet, but fear is a funny thing. It makes you act in ways that would previously have been impossible.

Tal listened in silence, squeezing her foot at intervals in a show of calm reassurance. Soh was grateful; if he'd grown angry, even if not at her, she likely would have silenced herself, unable to continue. Instead, the quiet strength that he radiated grounded her, allowing her to finish her tale, even if it was in broken pieces.

I don't hate you. Soh's head snapped up, her good eye searching Tal's for any hint of a lie. Finding none, she finally relaxed, if only marginally. He really didn't hate her. Unfortunately, that didn't stop her from hating herself. "But I didn't do what we practiced, did I? We trained to distract and run, but what I did... if I'm capable of hurting someone like that, what does that make me?" she asked tearfully, burying her face in her hands (tenderly, avoiding the bruising around her eye).

Tal was madder than hail on the inside. If Soh hadn't taken the man down, the courier would have been tempted to find Anju and go looking for trouble - even if that made him a liar after what he'd told her before. But this wasn't about him, and just as he would have done if Bella or Boreal had been injured he focused on trying to help his friend before he indulged in his temper.

He could be plenty mad later. Right now, though, Soh needed him to be a friend, not an avenger.

It was a relief when she met his gaze, and he didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until a modicum of tension eased from her shoulders and he found himself letting out a soft puff of breath in return. Even if she was still upset, at least she wasn't afraid that he'd abandon her now. "It makes you a survivor," he said firmly. "An' a good student. That's all." He grimaced guiltily, reaching up with his free hand to rest his fingers on the nape of his neck, but he didn't rub at it for once. "Those distractions we practiced do hurt people. That was th'point. T'injure someone bad enough that they can't come after you when y'do run. And that's exactly what y'did, yeah?" He chewed his lip fiercely for a moment, then reached up to rest his hand on the arm of the chair.

"Look, y'can say 'no' if you're not ready but... when y'are ready, can I give you a hug?"

At first, Soh hadn't wanted anyone to know about the attack, hoping that if she just ignored it, it would simply go away. But, just as she had found with Jude when she'd talked about Auden, there was something healing about sharing the burden with someone else. With every reassurance, Soh felt a little more tension leave her body, the furrow in her brow lessening with each word. Thinking of herself as a survivor would take time and effort, but Tal had planted the seed.

So when he placed a hand on the arm of the chair, Soh reached out to grasp it, squeezing gently in silent thanks. She paused for a moment, a little surprised at the offer of a hug, though the thought wasn't an unwelcome one. She remembered how it had felt for Jude to hold her when she was sad, and that had made her feel safe and understood. "That sounds nice," she said in a small voice, a ghost of a smile fluttering to her lips for the barest moment.

Contrary to popular belief, the courier could learn from his past mistakes, though it took awhile. He would have made them all again, however, if it ensured that he didn't screw up or put his foot in his mouth when it really counted - like today. As the tension began to ease from Soh's body it did the same for Tal, and when she reached for his hand his eyes closed for a moment as he let out a breath of gratitude that he hadn't irreparably fucked things up this time.

He wasn't exactly a hugger... but he wasn't not one, either. It wasn't until she accepted his offer, however, that he realized just how awkward their current positions made an embrace. "Um... should we stand up, or...?" His expression was sheepish as he awkwardly started to pull himself up, figuring that, at the very least, the floor was the least comfortable place to try and make it work.

He didn't pull his hand away from Soh's grasp, however, staying partially bent over and letting her decide the pace and how far she was willing to move from her comfortable perch in the chair.

Tal had done the complete opposite of fucking things up, as it turned out. Even if Soh wasn't completely ready to let go of the self-blame and fear that held her captive, she was taking steps in the right direction. She was alive, after all: her heart was still beating, and her wounds would all heal with time. And when it came down to it, that was all she could really ask for.

Tal's hand in hers was warm and reassuring, even as he began to stand. For a moment, she stilled as he loomed over her, tensing as the motion brought back a flash of a memory from the night before. But it was just Tal. Tal. She took a deep breath, and the momentary tension left her. Tal would never hurt her. Of that, she was certain.

So she stood with only a slight wince as muscles she hadn't known she had protested the movement. Without really even waiting for Tal to move, Soh hesitantly wrapped her arms around his middle.

He didn't ask why she hesitated in standing up. It wasn't hard to guess and he started to wince as he realized too late that he was looming over her seated form--

But then she was up and her arms were around his ribs and it was as easy as breathing to fold his own gently around her shoulders and let out a sigh of relief against the blonde hair that was soft against his cheek. There wasn't a need for further words as he let the fright and anger trickle out of his veins. Realizing how close she'd come to dying--

He drew another deep breath and carefully squeezed Soh's shoulders before easing up again, willing to hold on for as long as she needed the comforting embrace.

There was something immediately soothing about being wrapped in a warm embrace, and Soh sighed with relief as Tal wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She rested her right cheek against his shoulder and tucked her head against his neck. She could feel him breathing, and the steady rhythm put her further at ease; she could time her own breaths with his, and focusing on the gentle in, out, in out, helped her to shut out the less savory thoughts running through her mind.

For a few moments, anyway, until some of her other fears bubbled to the surface. Tal had dismissed most of her worries about being hated or looked down upon, but even he couldn't solve everything. "What am I supposed to do now?" she murmured softly before pulling back slightly to look Tal in the eye, though she kept her arms looped loosely around his ribs. "That man is still out there. What if he figures out who I am? What if he finds my shop? My home?"

Her voice was fearful, tentative, but there was an undercurrent of something else there, something dark and ugly and angry - angry that she'd been subjected to this and angry that the man who'd attacked her had gotten away with it. She hadn't wanted to be the one to kill him, but that didn't mean she wanted him walking around without consequence while she was left to cower in her own home.

He held his friend until she pulled away and he eased his hands to rest loosely on her shoulders as he looked down into her eyes. The question held an edge that was growing dangerously sharp and he exhaled slowly, but this one, at least, he had an answer for.

Maybe.

"D'you remember what he looked like?" He met her eyes steadily, though there was a scowl threatening the corners of his mouth when he thought of the fucker that had hurt his friend. Going off half-cocked was tempting in a way that itched beneath his skin like a half-healed tattoo, but it was a selfishness he couldn't subject Sohalia to when she'd already been through so much. "We can go t'the Dragoons. I've got a friend there; Anju. I bet she can get th'guards out lookin' for the guy. Maybe they can set a guard on your home until he's found?"

As much as he might want to play vigilante the truth was that he didn't know the city very well... and he wasn't entirely sure what he'd do to the guy if he found him. The courier was many things, but a killer in cold blood wasn't one of them, and he didn't have any authority to do anything else. So as much as he hated to admit it, Soh's safety was better guaranteed in hands other than his.

But, fuck, it stung to admit it.

Soh had been hesitant, the night before, when Mateo had suggested much the same thing, thinking that she'd be in trouble for having nearly killed someone. She had much the same hesitation now, despite Mateo's assurances that she wouldn't be. "Mateo said the same thing," she admitted with a sigh. "But when I tried to tell him, I - I panicked." She remembered the way her heart had raced in her chest, the way she'd felt like she couldn't breath, the way her mind had totally and completely shut out logical thought - and she shuddered, pulling herself closer to Tal again almost instinctively.

"But I can't - I can't just live in fear. And I don't want him to hurt anybody else." She swallowed a growing lump in her throat, gritting her teeth against the stirrings of panic held at bay only by Tal's arms around her. "I just - what about me? I fought back. I nearly killed someone." And that, honestly, was the crux of the issue. What had happened to her, she could recover from. Bruises would fade, scratches would heal. But what the man's actions had forced her to do - it was that that she found unforgivable.

Tal had been through some tough scrapes in his life, but nothing like what Soh had endured the night before. Not knowing what else to do, he stayed quiet and wrapped his arms around her shoulders again when she leaned back into his chest. For the moment, at least, she was safe and he wouldn't let her go until she was ready.

"I'm glad y'fought back," he assured her, voice gruff for the pain he heard in hers. "Y'defended yourself. There's nothin' bad or wrong about that. An' the Dragoons'll know that. Anju will know that." He gave her a small squeeze, pressing his cheek to the side of her head. "An' y'didn't kill 'im." Even if the man had deserved it. But Soh didn't deserve to have to live with that weight. "Y'saved 'im, by gettin' 'im help. Y'did good, Soh. I promise."

Maybe someday she'd believe it herself, but until then he'd tell her the words as many times as she needed to hear them.

Tal's arms were warm and comforting, and for the moment, Soh was content to stay wrapped up in them, where it didn't feel like the world was quite so harsh and cruel. "I met Anju, once," she recalled. "At the Collegium. We made taffy." It was such a bizarre detail to remember at a moment like this, but it was nice to have something else to talk about, if only for a moment. "I think Mateo was going to pass on what I was able to tell him. He said he had connections with the Dragoons, too. But - if it could help - I could talk to Anju." She sounded much braver than she felt at the prospect, and her body betrayed her by trembling as she thought of relating her story to someone else. How many times would she have to relive it before she could put it behind her for good?

It certainly didn't feel like she'd done well. Happenstance had put Mateo at the scene of the crime, and Soh had been lucky that he had been carrying whatever talisman or amulet he'd used to heal the man. If Mateo hadn't been there... well, let's just say that Soh hadn't gone looking for help. She'd been too much in shock to think that far. "Thanks, Tal," she whispered, burying her face in his neck (gently, so as not to prod at her injured eye). It still seemed too much to ask, that he was still her friend even after all of this, but if there was one thing Soh was now sure of, it was that Tal would be there for her through anything life might throw at her.

-FIN-