A Devil's Bargain

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Anger is not something Jude is used to feeling, but it fits well in the hot-honey flash of his eyes as they cut from the floor to Koa's tight jaw. His own feels much the same, as does his skin. He wants to ask if Sohalia had talked to Koa at all, but suddenly he doesn't want to know. Not now, when his insides still feel raw, as if scrubbed by a steel scouring pad.

That throbbing ache is eased by the heavy weight of Koa's arm over his shoulders, making his own poor attempt at humor and distraction feel more solid, his smile more real as the door swings shut behind them. And, against all odds and all reason, Jude's cheeks flush at the closeness. He blames it on being generally flustered by nearly any physical contact, but Jude isn't even good enough at lying to do it to himself.

"Oh!" It pops out of him in flustered surprise. "I've uh...I've never gotten drunk before actually," he confesses, which seems massively uncool when he's hanging out with the coolest person he knows. But like we just said, bad at lying. Or maybe he just used it all up in Koa's office. "But if you'll make sure I get somewhere okay, I'd like to try." It's not peer pressure when you're doing it to impress someone, even if you might end up facedown in your own puke in a random city gutter. Though Koa might reasonably back out when he finds out he'll have to partially play babysitter.

Kebabs are close enough however, and Jude insists on paying. Koa might have a real job, but Jude has wealthy parent benefits. The least he can do is give Koa a free wiener to make up for snot-crying all over the Dragoon's shoulder.

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude

I always thought I might be bad
Now I'm sure that it's true

Briefly, perhaps inevitably, Koa's thoughts flash to another individual who hadn't gotten drunk before they met, and were he a more introspective lad he might have wondered if he wasn't the problem after all. Luckily for the young Dragoon, his ego is far too inflated for that, and is happy to clap Jude's shoulder in excitement at being the one to pop this particular cherry, ready for the haze of alcohol to chase off dreams of a silver gaze.

"Don't you worry my little lamb, I know a perfect place for your first time." And, yes, he winks.

It's not a lie, either. After securing the kebabs Koa ducks into a corner store, emerging with a six pack of craft ciders - and a bottle of whisky for himself. Through quiet streets and narrow lanes Koa leads the younger man, until they are in a residential area- his residential area, in fact. But it isn't inside that Koa takes him; no, the Dragoon leads Jude around the back of their small house, over the fence into their yard, where a bonafide treehouse awaits.

"We used to sneak up there when our parents were asleep," Koa explains, voice muffled as he hunts for something in the underbrush. A bucket, which he proceeds to dump the drinks into. "Had a whole pulley system set up. Not sure what shape it's in now - my sister's the engineer, not me."

'cause I think you're so good
and I'm nothing like you

Koa

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Context clues tell him that this must be Koa’s house, but it doesn’t make Jude feel any less like he’s breaking and entering as they sneak around the side of the house and into the yard - which is a rather athletic endeavor that Jude is glad he’s sober for.

Jude realizes that he didn’t even know Koa had siblings at all before this moment. He listens attentively, strangely honored to be here and to be given the chance to know more about the Dragoon when - given everything - he has all the reason in the world to keep Jude at arms length.

Staring up at the treehouse, Jude considers it. “Think we could climb it?” Realizing that must sound rather daring coming from the human equivalent of a limp noodle, Jude laughs awkwardly. “My mom lives in the Greatwood, so pretty much everything is in a tree.” He’d learned to climb them almost as early as he’d learned to walk. Glancing at the ciders in the bucket, Jude reconsiders with a wince. “Getting back down drunk would be hard though.” They could just pass out in there together to be safe, but Jude’s face feels hot just thinking about it, so he boldly grabs a cider to distract himself and cracks it open - and then takes a big swig before he can second guess himself.

The sourness hits him first, making his face scrunch and pulling the can away - but then his expression becomes considering as the apple undertones come forth and sweeten the experience enough to make him hum consideringly and take another drink. “Wow. I thought alcohol was supposed to burn?” While he can taste it’s definitely not just apples, it’s a far more pleasant experience than Jude had anticipated.

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude

I always thought I might be bad
Now I'm sure that it's true

Koa's brief forays into the Greatwood have yielded less than stellar results, the young man wincing at the memory of his accidental Stonesong dip. "You'll have to show me around sometime," he says with offhand ease, attention still largely focused on figuring out the best way to get the alcohol into the treehouse.

He's wandered off to the shed in the corner, but still in earshot of the other boy. A bark of laughter and broad, pleased grin brighten the night air as Jude reacts to the cider. "Only the strong stuff," he explains, continuing to rummage. "But cider, or a good cocktail? Goes down smooth as a baby's ass."

There's a length of rope around his arm when Koa returns to Jude. "Alright - here's the plan." Unconsciously he slips into an authoritative voice, the soldier within him unable to resist any suggestion of a plan. "I'm gonna climb up, then throw you down the end. Tie it firmly, and I'll heave up the bucket. Then you follow. Sound good?"

Without waiting for assent the man begins to climb, a bit ungainly but ultimately successful in heaving his muscled form up the trunk of the tree. As promised, the rope drops down to Jude; only when he's told it's secure will Koa drag the bucket up, not seeming to feel any particular strain despite the weight of the beverages within.

'cause I think you're so good
and I'm nothing like you

Koa

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Jude grimace-laughs, grateful Koa can’t see what is surely an awkward looking expression as the two mix on his face. “Uh sure. I’m not as good of a tour guide as you thought. If we get lost because the woods misdirect us, you can’t blame my bad luck.” Maybe it knows that Jude doesn’t live there full time, because sometimes it still makes him walk in circles for an hour before depositing him at his mother’s house. It’s easier to think about than anxiously agonizing over the intricacies of what it means that Koa wants to hang out with him again after this. All this.

“Your analogies need some work,” he shoots back, though it’s impressively quiet for someone who thinks they’re raising their voice. Jude isn’t much for shouting. He is very good at following orders though, straightening up as well as Koa lays out the plan. It’s a good plan too - the alcohol goes up unimpeded, prompting a small amount of jealousy in the young man watching them ascend, and Jude isn’t far behind.

Arranging their long limbs in the treehouse is a bit harder when Jude climbs his way up, but even age hasn’t made the treehouse any less proficient at keeping the evening chill at bay. Jude drains his first cider in an anxious rush that will surely spell his doom, cheeks already beginning to turn a bit pink as he reaches for another, all the while eyeing Koa’s whisky curiously. Not quite brave enough to ask to try it, but with a few more ciders in him he might change his mind.

Emboldened by the quiet of the creaking tree around them and the shadows playing on Koa’s face, Jude knocks their feet together and watches him plainly. “I hope this isn’t too awkward for you,” he murmurs, fingers idly fiddling with the cider in his hands, thumbnail scratching soundlessly down the side. “Soh told me so little. I thought everything was okay, then she showed up with a broken nose and said she still had feelings for you.” And between the words he says, there are the ones he keeps behind his teeth, though they’re loud enough to parse in the silence; help me understand. “But um…I like hanging out with you. Just us.” It’s a graceless way of communicating that he wants to be friends despite it all, but Jude was never graceful to begin with. The grief and the beginning influences of alcohol are likely the only reason he says it at all.

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude

I always thought I might be bad
Now I'm sure that it's true

Ok it's been three damn months, let's get this show off the road and put out to pasture where it belongs.

It's terribly awkward for our lad, but at least the alcohol helps. Koa laughs hoarsely, leaning against the treehouse wall, his coarse hair catching in rough boards as he slowly shakes his head. "She told me... well, kind of the same thing," he admits, opting not to get into details for the sake of poor Jude's feelings. "That she liked us both. And wanted to try... polyamory? A threesome? I dunno, man."

A sigh against the neck of the bottle sends ghostly whistles through the room. Here's the part that's harder, where Koa still isn't sure whether he did the right thing. "And I told her it wasn't fair. Not to you, because it isn't a decision she should make without you. And not to me, because... well, it doesn't take a genius to see which one of us she really wants." And which one is being offered love kernels as a consolation prize.

And gods, does that still hurt.

The bump on his boot is unexpected, and not all that well timed. Blinking away his reverie, Koa turns to Jude with a hungry look, heat roaring suddenly in his chest, his cheeks. It's a beautiful, dangerous moment, illuminated with a boyish glow that could turn into fire and swallow them all. Because as their eyes meet and their shoulders brush and their fingers are just close enough that they could collide given the slightest movement, Koa knows, keenly, that he shatter Jude. it would be so easy just to lean over, to press a kiss on those parched lips. Koa knows that he could take that tender mouth and make it call his name, could run his hand from the angled cheek past the narrow shoulders and down, down, down to the curve of the younger man's waist. That in one night he could ruin all three of them, could break their hearts like they broke his, could, could, could---

Koa blinks and the moment passes, the treehouse again growing bright and warm. Hunger drains into weary acceptance, a lopsided, almost bashful smile thrown Jude's way. "I like it too," Koa confesses, copper eyes shifting back to the bottle, to the relief hidden within. "I hope, y'know, even with all this fuckery-" he gesticulates to the world at large, an eloquent gesture for its vagueness, "-I hope we can be friends."

'cause I think you're so good
and I'm nothing like you

Koa

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Even the mention of the word threesome makes Jude’s neck and ears flush red. He and Sohalia haven’t even had sex - though that might largely be Jude’s fault - so it’s clear that particular arrangement is beyond his comfort level. Normally a fluster like that would linger, but Koa’s gruff tone can’t hide the hurt of his assumptions. And can Jude even call them assumptions when Sohalia had said the exact same words to him?

It’s unfair. It’s unfair to him, yes, but Jude has never exactly prioritized himself above others. What matters is the ache in his chest as he watches Koa try to breeze past it, brush over it. Reaching out, he tentatively hooks two fingers still damp with condensation around any of Koa’s he can reach. “You’re one of the coolest people I know Koa. You made me feel safe in like, two seconds when that lady was being awful, and I didn’t even know your name.” A kind of safety and relief that Jude hadn’t experienced much in his life before then. “You’re smart and kind and funny and strong and -” whatever confidence had kickstarted this attempt at comfort begins to wither as he bails out on the word handsome, heat climbing in his cheeks, “- and I don’t know how I compete. Um, not that I want to be at all.” Gods he sucks at this. So instead he soldiers on, squeezing Koa’s fingers briefly in the hopes it will do the same to the mess of words in his throat. “I think you deserve the world. Certainly more than second place.” And while Jude can’t force Sohalia to feel differently, he doesn’t exactly feel good about winning over Koa. In fact it just makes him feel sick and sad as he takes his hand back.

Smiling shyly, mesmerized by the intensity of Koa’s gaze and unaware of all the ways the Dragoon could break his quiet heart, Jude tilts his head in a wave of thick curly hair and extends his bottle to clink against Koa’s. “We are friends. And we’ll keep being friends. I promise.” And Koa has no way of knowing, but Jude has avoided promises his entire life. Never believing them in others after every single one was broken; I promise I’ll stay, I promise I’ll find mom, I promise Edmund is coming home, I promise we’ll be okay. But Koa seems worth the promise this time - and at least when he’s the one saying it, he knows it’s true. And maybe Koa will hear the gravity in it regardless, and understand in some small way.

Here’s to hoping.

- Fin!

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude