such small hands

She can feel the way Jigano tenses, flinching and pulling away from her as she speaks those irretrievable words. Part of her - a greater part - is immediately awash in shamed regret, her mistaken cruelty acutely felt as soon as the venom leaves her lips. But there is another part, insidious and small, which rails against Jigano in that moment, still angry, still bitter, spiteful and afraid. That he could think she referred to him, would pull away and recoil without giving her any faith... it burns and snaps within her breast, a lash upon her brittle soul, fresh pain in an unkind time. Does he really think so little of her? And is she not allowed to express her frustration, for fear he would take offense? Amalia's eyes remain on the horizon, hard and iron, flashing coals. It is wrong, she knows, to think this way, but with patience frayed as thin as paper the leopardess can only look away. She is frightened- of the threats, the betrayals, the changes that loom around her, uninvited and unbidden. And she is wounded, her pride injured as again and again she is stripped of any power to decide, cut out of the equation as Jigano curls closer to Rory and she is left alone. It is all she can do to keep from wincing as Rory steps in to balm their wounds. She cannot meet his questioning gaze, only nod tersely in agreements as he once more repairs her mess. Not you, the blond knight says to Jigano, and she echoes it in her mind. Not you- (He is brave and she is weak, angry at a world that has not wronged her, quick to fury and slow to forgive.) Not you- (He is grown and she is a child beside him, petulant and petty, too small to apologize.) Not you- (He is a beacon and she is a shadow, trying to bask in his reflected light but only succeeding in obfuscating, obscuring, leaving a dark wound for him to repair.) Not you- (He is invited and she is cast out, watching from the sidelines as they build something new, flock about him like moths to a lantern while she can only sit and listen, forgotten in the night.) -but me Jaw still clenched in a stubborn line, Amalia shifts away from the pair, too stupid and too frightened to yield. This is it: Jigano has seen through her facade, caught sight of the monster underneath and now will leave her to her own despair, taking her sunlit knight along. They will rebuild the world in their image and she will be left with the spiders and dust, crafting dough until her face burns and her fingers bleed, a small life for a small person who was never destined to be great. a m a l i a You were young and you'd stare With a reverence unimpaired Searching in your dark eyes to find the stars already there