the distance never made a difference to me

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

Relaxing as much as his husband, Ronin actually thinks he might be in a position where he accidentally falls into a blissful slumber (and wouldn't you, cradled by feathers?), but Remi's words stir him back to wakefulness. Smiling at the yet-more nicknames added to his repertoire - Commander is better than General, did you know he might have quipped, though he doesn't want to interrupt Remi's flow - when the question does come, it renders him completely speechless.

Pressed as close as they are, the silence is never silent, and so much of Ronin's response is already given to Remi, laid bare as if his feelings are wet ink pressed and marked against the other man's skin. There's the hazy blue-green of sometimes, marred with the freedoms they currently possess, their ability to come and go as they like, to toss fortune to the wind and explore even Caido's most dangerous corners.

There's also the heavy indigo of responsibility, of knowing their other children still need them and that they've only just started to be properly present in their lives again. Deeper still is the slick, grease-black fear that they might just continue to fuck up any children they bring into the world.

But over all of it, knee-jerk and rose golden, it's always been a yes, and Ronin suspects Remi knows it.

Rather than trying to find his words, the Nova clutches his husband close, as if the raw truth of his feelings is something he needs to apologise for. "Do you?" he whispers.

RONIN

i wish I could say I am a light that never goes out.
but i flicker from time to time

Though the Nova's feelings pour over him like an oil spill, with a painterly eye the Lullaby gazes upon the colours, separating out tones and values while also appreciating the palette for what it was. It is a question Remi knows the answer to, but there's something to be said for allowing his husband the space - or the canvas - upon which to answer. For years it was something impossible, then something haphazardly cast upon them. None of their children had ever been a joint decision, and though it was a topic as grand as the initial brushstrokes of Ronin's feelings made it out to be, even the Lullaby was quietly thrilled at the prospect of choosing.

"I could never not want something that was made of you." He whispers, knowing that hardly answered his husband's question. "And were it not for Aoife and Seren I would say yes immediately." Now that he neared the heart of the thing, Remi's pulse quickened, flooding his canvas of colours with bright streaks of lilac-white and garnet. "I forget about Seren more often than not, truthfully, and Aoife...after all these years, I think I have finally started to let her memory go. But-" Shifting both himself and the Nova in order to better peer into Ronin's eyes, Remi's sighs softly.

"I would dedicate whatever time and divine might that was needed to try and bring them back if you wanted it."

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

Huffing out a soft breath that isn't quite a laugh, Ronin is nonetheless suitably undone by the other man's words, and it's with a kiss that's ruined by his smile that he nonetheless presses his lips to Remi's cheek. "You're a sweet man," he informs him, even as he makes room for the bursts of colour that beat against his chest as if they're his own pulse.

Seren and Aoife's names are enough to send a shard of ice white through the painting they've been crafting together, the Nova's breath hiccuping in his chest, and before he can get any words out his vision is blotted by seaglass and haloed with curls, and he's lost in a Lullaby of his own choosing. "I believe it," he whispers, unwilling and unable not to lean in for a taste of Remi's lips.

"I just... I..." Sighing and trying again, he smiles sadly. "Do you ever feel like we're not letting ourselves move on, if we keep trying for the impossible?"

RONIN

i wish I could say I am a light that never goes out.
but i flicker from time to time

'No, I am very selfish. You have just had so many concussions that it comes across as being sweet.' Remi counters, his words boyish and bright.

"Hey," The Lullaby scolds softly as the spear of Ronin's emotions makes him shiver. "Dipingerò con i colori che mi dai e userò il tuo ghiaccio per pulire il pennello, ma non ce n'è bisogno." He whispers, the travelling tongue pure nonsense to his husband's ears, but the words still came accompanied by paintbrushes being cleaned in ice water and canvases repaired with golden thread. 'Besides, my wings are out, remember? No need to feel unsafe.' He adds in a whisper, wings flexing that his primary feathers might brush against his husband's shoulders.

Chuckling under his breath, Remi shifts beneath Ronin. "I honestly do not know what is impossible anymore. Before having a child on our own would have been impossible, but now it is not." He shrugs. "If we are always called upon to do the impossible, why not expect the impossible in return?"

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

Grumbling something that has no meaning at all, but nonetheless washes their shared canvas of feeling with bright lashes of ruby and ribbons of gold, Ronin's lips are back against Remi's before he can do much of anything about it. Trying to paint the words he can't say with his tongue, the bright pastel pulse of being known and held and safe is more than enough to melt away the frost in his emotions.

"I love you," Ronin whispers at last, having found himself more or less sprawled atop the other man, his arms stoically unwilling to let Remi go more than absolutely necessary. "So is that what you want? The impossible?" He smiles. "Seren is safe, at least; she walks the stars, I'm sure. Explores them, like she always wanted to do. But Aoife..."

Their daughter is an ellipsis in their shared history, an unfinished sentence left to bleed like a wound in water. "I always wonder what she could have been."

RONIN

i wish I could say I am a light that never goes out.
but i flicker from time to time

The Lullaby might have gasped had Ronin given him the air to do so, but stolen as it was by the Nova's lips, all Remi could do was melt into the kiss. Curling a hand into Ronin's hair that he might steal even just one more kiss past what the Nova had planned, it was with twitterpated reluctance that Remi let Ronin part from him.

Searching the fae blue of the Nova's eyes for a moment and resisting the urge to simply lean forward and stave off the end of their conversation with suggestive fingers and clever tongues, the Lullaby smiles a touch shyly for a moment, before shrugging with one shoulder. "Wanting you was impossible. Having you back from the dead was impossible. Pulling the Core from Caido was impossible..." Swallowing hard against the fluttery feeling of weightlessness which was balling up in the back of his throat, the Lullaby shakes his head ever so slightly

"I think the question is not if we want the impossible, but what impossible thing we want..." Aoife, born of Vanya and Ronin, raised by Remi and killed too soon? Or a child of their own intentional making?

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"Well when you put it like that..." Laughing helplessly into the dwindling space between them, Ronin shakes his head, relishing these canvas walls and the cage of wings around them all the more for the sudden intimate nature of the conversation, even though they're perfectly alone. "I suppose it would be unfair to pull Aoife back here, in some ways. She's in Mort's realm, with Vanya. That would be selfish, to force them apart."

Unaware of the nest of vipers he's unintentionally disturbed, Ronin's thoughts brim with children with seaglass eyes and charcoal on their hands. "I mean, if we're going to flaunt the impossible, why stop at one?" It's a clear joke, but such is the buoyancy of his mood.

RONIN

i wish I could say I am a light that never goes out.
but i flicker from time to time

Ronin will feel a shadowy blackness begin to consume the Lullaby from the inside out. It spreads with insidious precision, and though only seconds before the Lullaby would have sworn nothing and no one could have made him move away from the Nova, he shoots from beneath Ronin like a man possessed. Thrusting the Nova off and away, Remi staggers shakily a few feet away. Covered only by his underwear and wings, he's able to half let out a breath before it locks in his throat. Eyes closed, Remi swallows hard, cutting himself off as completely from the Nova as he's able to. 'Sorry,' He mumbles, only able to guess at the expression on his husband's face just now.

Shivering slightly as adrenaline renders him flinchy and uneasy, the Lullaby eventually straightens, but not before running his fingers roughly through his hair. Exhaling slowly, he turns, partially obscured by his wings and with his eyes cast low. Opening his mouth, Remi tries to figure out how to explain without explaining, and finds, as in moments before, that there's nothing at all to say.

Though perhaps there is one impossible thing to wish.

"Sorry." He says again, cheeks aflame and jaw set.

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

It's shock and confusion and brief hurt on Ronin's face, as he's basically thrown down amongst the furs and blankets of their camp, though the latter melts away immediately at the Lullaby's apology. Flushed and with the adrenaline suddenly pumping in his veins enough to make him want to run through the snow to the thunder of hoofbeats, he shakes his head gently. "It's okay," he murmurs.

The problem, of course, with not being quite as big of an idiot as one often acts, is that this isn't the first time something like this has happened. And unintentionally, Ronin is beginning to tease the dots together to form a picture, but he's not sure yet what it means. And he doesn't mention it either, because there's nothing he wants more right now than to melt away the unease on Remi's face.

Gathering a blanket and getting himself to his feet, Ronin spreads it out as if he might bundle Remi up into it. "These are my wings tonight," he murmurs. "If you put yours away, they'll keep you safe." It also means he can touch his husband without touching him.

RONIN

remi

A lot's been changin' lately and I can't tell
If it's me or if it's everybody else

Pull the thread, he wants to plead. Please. Instead, not even trusting his own eyes to keep this secret, Remi is forced to stare blankly down at the corner of their bed. Fighting back tears as well as a scream, the Lullaby keeps both caged behind tightly clenched teeth as he turns vaguely in his husband's direction.

Wanting very much to collapse to his knees, bury his head in his husband's lap and explain everything that he might not have to endure Ludo's secret any longer, Remi instead itches numbly at the stubble on one cheek. Not able to risk even their fingers or toes brushing through the night, instead the Lullaby shifts. As a raccoon, he'd not be able to wrap his arms around the Nova until the muscles in his arms gave out, but at least he'd not be putting their son's life at risk.

I would tell you if I could. He thinks, looking up at Ronin with black button eyes made shiny and golden in the firelight. I think maybe you should not have uncovered my mouth.

we're only human but w?'ve got hands & hearts & noses
So stop and sm?ll the fuckin' roses

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"I know you would. And I'm starting to think that as well, but I still forgive you." Ronin's smile is kind, and as his husband shrinks to mischievous and fluffy proportions, he's there to scoop him up into the blanket. At this size and with a great deal of fur between them even without the shield of fabric, Ronin can feel nothing but the warmth and (minor) weight of the blankety raccoon in his arms.

"Things will be alright," he says, his voice warm with the vow, and the Nova settles himself down in both of their prior spots. Curling around the mess of blankets that somewhere contain his husband, he coaxes his muscles back into relaxation. It's neither as complete nor abundant as when he was pressed against Remi, but it will absolutely do.

"I'm sorry for waking you," he adds softly.

RONIN

remi

A lot's been changin' lately and I can't tell
If it's me or if it's everybody else

Wishing for nothing less than the sort of bone-crushing hug that would render anyone else broken and bruised, the raccoon sighs against the furs. Bundled up far too gently than he'd like though knowing anything else would force his body to shift back, the raccoon burrows in and against the Nova just as tightly as he was able.

Really, it is all your fault if you think about it. The raccoon points out, one triangular ear flicking slightly. If you had just let me sleep, I would not have been able to ruin our night. He adds sounding reasonable.

I think maybe tomorrow I should go and see Ludo, but...before I do...maybe we could see if any of our snow dicks have lasted through the war. I mean, while we are here we might as well.

we're only human but w?'ve got hands & hearts & noses
So stop and sm?ll the fuckin' roses

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"Be quiet - you didn't ruin anything," Ronin murmurs, letting himself relax once more into their little camp, his eyes drifting shut so he might watch the flames from the fire dance behind his eyelids. "Who said I wasn't going to ask you to shift into this form so I could hold you like a stuffed animal?" Grinning despite himself - it wouldn't be the first time he's asked but equally it's not at the top of the list - Ronin resists the urge to try and run his fingers through Remi's fur.

"Mm, that sounds like a good idea. And I had almost forgotten about our snow dicks - let's go and take a look." If memory snow lived up to its name, their glorious snow penis should still be there, back where the old guildhouse used to be. (There should also be one somewhere along the banks of the Stone Symphony, if the waters haven't swallowed that bit of the ground).

And so it's with thoughts of wintry phalluses and twitching raccoon ears that Ronin finally succumbs to sleep; hopefully they wake up having forgotten about all of this, so he can properly lavish Remi in attention.

~FIN

RONIN