(SE) only so much a man can take

// grass stains cut my bloody knees, it's goodpain, it means i can't be phased
that little death inside my sides, won't make it right //

He doesn’t want to deal with this, he doesn’t want that hole to be filled with some new precious life that already has taken on the characteristics of Haai. It feels like he’s replacing the griffin with something new, like he’s forgotten her. He knows it’s unrealistic, knows that it’s not his fault, knows that he should probably start to move on – it’s been years, after all – but Sunjata’s heart and attachments can only take so much.

The space the sea panther sits in Sunjata’s lap is warm, as if the small creature is absorbing the heat from the demigod, and he works his jaw as he finally fights through the vice grip on his throat to look down at it, regret crashing like waves over and over and over again as he fights between trying to breathe and trying to hold his breath.

He doesn’t expect Koa to be so well versed in this, though, a captains voice that only soothes the rational part of his mind (which lets be honest, is minimal given the whirlwind he’s going through). Stubbornly, he tilts his head away from Koa, swiping at his eyes in his frustration, taking a shaky breath before he forces himself to reach down and pet the scaley, fuzzy skin of the sea panther who continues to mewl while he wars with himself. “Yeah.” He says in a quiet whisper, his voice like gravel and tight, quiet with none of the caliber of the demigod he was mere minutes ago fighting the molten tiger.

But the second he starts to pet the companion, she stretches out, starts to relax, starts to try to claw her way along his shoulders, and poetically chooses to sit against his chest on the side where the lightning scars sit beneath his shirt. Poetic, and ironic, considering he fought this very thing the day he got those scars.

The Flood doesn’t feel like talking anymore, though, instead, pressing his hand to her as he goes to stand, still pointedly avoiding Koa’s gaze as he stares at Pipsqueak. “Pip’s okay, right?” He asks, trying to lead the conversation away from himself. Away, away, away. And gods, he finds himself pleading to Frey that Koa won’t ask.

he wins every time i find myself inside, alone all night

SUNJATA

It seems that he's gotten through to Sunjata, causing Koa to breathe no small sigh of relief. What he would have done if the demigod truly broke is beyond him; there is only so much support he can imagine offering a man a decade his senior with a life three times as complex. At least the kitten seems oblivious to the adrenaline now subsiding from both men's hearts, evidently more than content to snuggle against Sunjata's chest. It makes Koa's own chest tighten in recognition, his grip on the dragonling - both physical and emotional - strengthening in response.

He stands up alongside the Flood, Pip now purring against his neck. "I think so," Koa answers softly, fingers stroking that oil-slick fur. "Shaken, mostly. Gods, I don't know what I would have done if--"

But he can't even bring himself to say it, throat closing tight around the words. All he can do is cough to clear it, copper eyes blinking rapidly against tears that threaten to be shed.

"What about... her? And you?"

be love in its disrepute,

scorches the hillside and salts every root

// grass stains cut my bloody knees, it's goodpain, it means i can't be phased
that little death inside my sides, won't make it right //

Where Koa feels relief, Sunjata’s insides are nothing short of tree roots, knotted and tangled and curled around one another until it’s so tight there’s no chance of light to leak through. It’s still hard for him to focus on breathing, taking breaths where he can to calm his thundering heartbeat, trying desperately to not let his despair cloud the mind of the sea panther kitten in his arms. But things leak through, as does her own feelings, that hopefulness of a new chance, a new beginning.

“You don’t want to know that feeling.” He says stubbornly, with experience, still trying to keep that part of his mind and soul blocked off despite how this little kitten has started filling that void up with something new. It breaks through the scar tissue of his soul, which both burns and offers some amount of relief, small enough that he can’t even feel it in the face of so many other emotions.

But he can’t deny it, and any harm coming to her from here on out will certainly put him in a worse off state than he had been just now. So there’s nothing left but to simply let it happen, even if his body language says no.

“She’s fine.” He ignores the question about himself, not knowing how to broach that subject just yet with the new inhabitant leeching onto his every emotion, so hopeful and new, bright eyed and happy to be safe. It hurts, knowing his past inability to keep his companions safe.

he wins every time i find myself inside, alone all night

SUNJATA

You don't want to know that feeling.

And he's right. Koa does not. More than anything in the world, Koa does not want to know what Sunjata is feeling, how he felt on that terrible day. Call him selfish, call him a coward- and maybe he is both. But this brush with the death of a part of his soul is more than enough for Koa. He's only just come to understand the bond he shares with Pip.

He cannot imagine having it ripped away.

The last of his panic slides down his throat as Koa steps back further, giving Sunjata and his new companion space to sort through their own shit. "Good, that's... that's good," he offers awkwardly, glancing toward where the tiger corpse steams in the damp air. "Okay. I'm going to look around a little - see if I can find any signs, though I doubt there'll be much left." Some half-gnawed bones, if he's lucky. If that. "Then we can head back. I think we've all had enough excitement for one day."

be love in its disrepute,

scorches the hillside and salts every root

// grass stains cut my bloody knees, it's goodpain, it means i can't be phased
that little death inside my sides, won't make it right //

It’s a feeling that he doesn’t wish on anyone, truthfully. But with the safety of Pip and the new feeling of this creature attaching herself to him, Sunjata’s drained. And as the last of the panic starts to seep from Koa, Sunjata spends those moments stuffing his own down into the voids where he can’t look at them until later. When he’s alone and he can compartmentalize it. The sea panther, however, has none of the qualms other than curiosity and happiness at having a perceived litter-mate, and she crawls along Sunjata’s blood soaked skin with little to no abandon.

And Sunjata feels like a statue as he moves to collect the creature in a wide hand, keeping her pressed against him for his warmth, even as everything else within him seems to grow colder and colder. “Yeah, agreed.” He murmurs a hint gruffly, working his jaw as he goes to stand, keeping Petronella against his chest as he waits for Koa to take a look around, before they depart the current and messy surroundings for a spot to make camp.

- FIN <333

he wins every time i find myself inside, alone all night

SUNJATA