Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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It had always been easy for Koa to make Soh blush, and heat crept again into her cheeks at the imagined insinuations behind his comment. "Something like that," she said, reaching up to tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear. She met his gaze, despite her better judgment, and the moment stretched between them. Her mouth went dry, her heart skipped a beat, and if it hadn't been for - well, everything, really - she might have said or done something that she might later regret -
Except what was there to regret, now that Jude was gone? Wasn't this her life to live? A rebellious part of her whispered that this was what she'd really wanted, wasn't it, even as missing Jude ached in a bone-deep way that she couldn't quite shake. It was easier to ignore it, to pretend it wasn't there - just what she'd always done with her deeper emotions. And besides, if she'd wanted Jude, she would have chosen him, wouldn't she?
Did that mean that finally, after all this time, she'd chosen Koa?
And would he choose her back?
But the lightning flashed and the dragoon looked away, and the moment was broken before Soh could make heads or tails of her complicated feelings. And maybe that was for the best. Maybe it was better for her to cling to friendship, not to muddy the waters with romance and love and kisses that made her burn -
So she reached for an easy topic, and relief blossomed in her chest as Koa took it and ran with it. She took a step away from the post as Koa tested it. "For you and me both," she laughed. "I'm still not really sure how I ended up here, if I'm being honest."
It's all so dangerous, so confusing, and without the knowledge of Sohalia's breakup Koa thinks the ground he's on is even more fragile than it is. Or maybe it's the opposite; maybe he's sheltered by the certainty that they're together, the knowledge that a bulwark exists which will keep either Breaker from crossing the line. Toeing it, yes, but crossing? Koa has been many things, but a party to cheating isn't one.
First time for everything, drawls the dangerous, hungry voice behind his ear.
He's relieved when she steps away, because the current between them was growing nearly as electric as the sky. "You're from the Grounds, right?" Diligently he checks and re-checks the post, as much to be sure of a job well done as to avoid drowning back into her eyes. "It's a long way off from here. Honestly when we were kids we kind of thought it was a fairytale. A place where the Heralds and Voice were trapped, where war raged endlessly and the streets were slick with blood." A wry chuckle and a shake of his head informs Sohalia that he does not believe these tales.
"Still, it must have been so weird, growing up like that. What was it like, having the whole world open to you all at once when the Barrier fell?"
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
Desire warred with sanity in the back of the young woman's mind, and distance made it easier for sanity to win out. With space between them once more, Soh clasped her hands behind her back and waited to see if their work had been sufficient to repair the fence. She was more than willing to continue holding the post if needed, or to move on to the next task - whatever was needed to keep them talking just a little bit longer.
A wry smile lifted the corners of Soh's lips at his description of the Grounds. She'd come to realize that such beliefs were common outside of her home region, and it never failed to make her chuckle. Of course, the Grounds had had its share of bad things happen, but it was hardly the bloody mess that the tales made it out to be - at least, not in Soh's sheltered experience.
"I was very sheltered, growing up," she told Koa. "I think I told you my parents died when I was young, so I was raised by my guardian, Auden. They did their best to keep the worst of the world from me. They were trying to protect me, but now I'm not so sure that it was the best thing. When Auden died, I didn't... know anything about the world." Her voice was soft, vulnerable. It was the first time she'd admitted that maybe her guardian hadn't known everything, and that maybe they should have done things differently. Why was it so easy to open up to Koa, even after everything that had happened?
"Anyway," she said, soldiering on. "After Auden died and the barrier fell, I just wanted to be anywhere but the Grounds. I felt like if I stayed there, I would just be alone. And the idea that there was so much else out there to explore... it was a whole new world, literally, that just appeared all of a sudden, and I wanted to see all I could." She smiled ruefully. "I went to the Greatwood first, but when I came to Stormbreak... I don't know. It was like coming home, in a way that the Grounds never really were."
Koa leans against the now-fixed railing, listening attentively as Sohalia speaks. It strikes a chord within his chest, his own recent grief and youthful disillusionment echoing in her tale. And it reminds him of all he still has, sending tendrils of guilt rustling down him as he reflects on how much he's taken for granted - his father most of all. That widening gulf between the Carpenter men is self-inflicted, not tragedy made. There's still time to mend those bridges.
If only he knew how.
He comes back to himself in time to register her praise of Stormbreak, a sunny smile breaking out across his somber face. "I get that," Koa agrees fondly. "Not that I've ever lived anywhere else. Or wanted to. Stormbreak is... it's special, here. I can't imagine calling anywhere else home." Love for his city, his home, radiates unabashed from his face. There is no shadow to the pride Koa feels for this place.
Turning back to Sohalia, the young man raises a brow. "And now you're its leader. Y'know, you're the first person who's really stepped up since the war." Solemnity creeps into his voice, a seriousness as he meets her gaze. "I know you love Stormbreak, but it's a lot of responsibility. Don't forget to lean on people when you need to, okay?"
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
Her silver gaze caught and held his, matching his solemnity. Was that an invitation? Or was he simply expressing concern for her wellbeing? Did he care about her or about his Heart? Where did her leadership end and she begin? Did it even matter anymore?
”Can I lean on you?”
The question was out of her mouth before she could think, bold and brash and stupid, and she immediately backpedaled. ”I mean, I have my council, but that’s not - I mean, they’re great, and I can rely on them for help, but I could really - use a friend - “ And, realizing that she was babbling, she forced her mouth shut with a click, averting her gaze and feeling unpleasantly vulnerable.
"Yes." It's out of his mouth before he can stop it, the words running free of his usual leash. Yes, she can lean on him; yes, he will hold her; yes yes yes--
But not in the way they both mean.
He backpedals alongside her, the words tumbling out, colliding with hers. "I mean-- the Dragoons serve their Heart!" A laugh and a wink can't smooth over the awkwardness, and there's no rubbing the flush from the back of his neck, as hard as he might try.
"And... yeah, you have me." When Koa looks back up at her at last it's with a sad, fragile smile on his usually sunny face. He's slipping on the ice beneath him, trying to keep from falling through into those beautiful eyes and into depths he doesn't know if he can escape from. "I know we're not... and that you have Jude... but I do want to be here for you. To support you, and be in your life. And I'm ok with that being as friends." He believes it, he really does. Believes they can do this, that they're smart and mature enough. Believes in a world where everything resolves without hurt feelings, where they laugh about all of this in a year's time. He believes it, because he has to.
Because what else does he have?
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
I mean - the Dragoons serve their Heart! he added, and she couldn't keep the disappointment from her face. Was that all she was to him now?
But then he looked at her with a sad, fragile little smile that made her want to wrap him in her arms until she could chase it away. She swallowed hard. Gods, but things were complicated, and the olive branch that stretched between them seemed simultaneously so close and yet so far away. "I want to be here for you, too, Koa," she whispered, honesty shining through her silver eyes. "I - I know I made a lot of mistakes, and that I hurt you, but I don't want to lose you. And if that's just as friends, then I'm okay with that, too." And if an insidious little voice in the back of her mind whispered that maybe they could still be more, she ignored it. For now, anyway.
She hesitated, then added, "And, uh, I don't have Jude. Not anymore. We broke up." Should she have said that? If they were friends, then she should be able to confide in him, right? But there was so much history - maybe she should have kept it to herself. But then, he'd find out eventually, wouldn't he? Might as well be from her.
He wants her to want to be there for him, wants her to want him, wants to be wanted. Wants to reach up and touch her cheek, to press his forehead against hers and drown in her clean, earthy scent. Koa doesn't want her to lose him, because he doesn't want to be lost.
But you decided that, not me. Except she didn't, not entirely. She gave him an in and he shut it down, told he he wouldn't be sloppy seconds. She chose Jude---
---except she didn't. Because they broke up.
"Oh." For once in his life, Koa is speechless, his handsome face blank and slack. We broke up, we broke up rattles around his head, bounces through an emptiness he just can't seem to fill. He stares at Soh for a second, two, blinking, utterly taken aback. And then in true young and stupid himbo fashion he blurts the first thing that pops up onto his tongue, well before he's able think it through--
"Was it because of me?"
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
As much as he wanted her, she wanted him just the same, wanted to step into his orbit and revolve around his sun. But then, it had always been like that with Koa - he was the flame that drew her in, hopelessly helpless against his pull. If she were older and wiser, perhaps she would question whether she would follow his light just to be burned - but she was neither. Instead, she swallowed hard and resisted the urge to step just that tiny bit closer, watching as her revelation shocked him.
"No," she said, as honestly as she could. "It was because of me." And sure, maybe her infatuation with Koa, if that was what it was, had set the ball in motion, but in the end? She couldn't - wouldn't - place the blame on his shoulders. Not when it was hers to bear.
The young Heart reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, then clasped her hands before her, all the better to keep them to herself. "I told him how I felt about you, and he left to give me time to decide what I wanted and to think about what he wanted. And he was gone for well over a season - and he had every right to be, I understand that now - but I guess... when he came back, it just wasn't the same." She'd still been alone, waiting for him to come back, and even if she'd forgiven him, that long silence was what she hadn't been able to forget.
"Oh," Koa says again. And then, "I see." It's not convincing, because he's not convinced, but at least it's a little weight off his chest, that nagging guilt somewhat abated. He raises up a hand as she moves hers, then lets fall back down, grasping a fistful of empty air to rub against his thigh. Even if she was reaching for him, it wouldn't be right to reach back. Not without knowing what happened, what she wants.
What he wants, because honestly, Koa doesn't know.
The explanation of what happened has the Dragoon wincing, remembering his encounter with Jude during that absent time. "He said you were on a break," he mutters, vision focused on her feet. "I didn't... shit. I'm sorry, Soh."
This wouldn't have happened if you chose me, that terrible voice whispers.
And then? What's he meant to do from here? In a romance novel this is where Koa might sweep her off her feet, wrap his muscled arms around her and promise he won't let her down. It wouldn't be particularly smart or mature, but it would be... well, fitting. Thematic.
Dumb as a rock, but it still makes you swoon.
So for Koa, the obvious move.
"Can I give you a hug?"
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
She'd forgotten that Jude and Koa had talked, but that hardly seemed to matter now. She shrugged noncommittally, then wrapped her arms around her middle. It wasn't even the breakup, really, that had made her upset - and that, in and of itself, told her that it was what had been needed, however hard it had been. It was the loneliness, the missing her best friend, the sleeping alone - that was what had made it so difficult to push through.
And while part of her hoped that Koa would whisk her off her feet and pronounce his undying love for her, she also knew that she didn't deserve it, because time and again she had chosen Jude. Why would he trust her now, when he was her only option? She would never want him to feel like a back up plan, like a safety net, just because she'd made a wrong decision.
And had it been wrong? It was hard to say, with all the drama and the pain attached to her selfish decisions that had led them all here, all tangled up in one another until it was too difficult to see where one story stopped and another began.
Can I give you a hug?
A shy smile from beneath her lashes, her heart skipping a beat at the offer. She should decline. She should run, fast and far, to somewhere she couldn't hurt him again. But she wasn't strong enough for that.
11-30-2023, 05:56 PM (This post was last modified: 11-30-2023, 05:56 PM by Koa.)
Koa
It's really not a good idea. Later he might kick himself for doing it, but that'll be later. For now, before he can think better, before his head can catch up with his heart, Koa finds he's stepping forward and reaching his arms toward Soh, pulling her in to tuck against his body, to shield her for just a moment from the confusion and heartache of the world.
It's both incredibly natural and incredibly not, holding her again. There's a part of him that feels this is absolutely right, that it's the logical ending of their story to wind up here, together, in this way. Resistance was always futile, after all: they're two strong, beautiful people; they're Breakers; they're attracted to each other, and have been since moment one. Of course they should come back together. It's what he wanted.
Isn't it?
His heart is thundering, his head is throbbing, his mind is spitting blanks. We won't lie and say Koa hasn't dreamt of this moment, because he has, and yet now that it's come... he doesn't know. He's frozen by indecision and, gods, emotion, too complicated for his poor little brain to parse. So he stands there, holding her, his chin on her head, his copper eyes fixed at a point on the horizon. Maybe if he can keep this moment still forever he won't have to decide. Maybe if they don't move or feel or think, everything will fall back into place.
Maybe.
Probably not.
i can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away
As Koa wrapped her in his arms, Soh couldn't decide how she was supposed to feel. On the one hand, this was everything she'd been longing for - but at what cost? Her best friend was gone, and for all that she knew it wasn't Koa's fault, she couldn't help but feel that it should be Jude's arms she was falling into.
But at the same time, the feeling of Koa's strong arms wrapped around her was perfect, and for the first time in weeks, she felt safe, and protected, and not so alone. And it was a dangerous feeling, she knew that, one that she shouldn't lean too much into for fear that it would be gone in the next breath -
But he kept holding her, his chin atop her head, and she wrapped her own arms around him to hold him back, burying her face in his chest. And for right now, in this moment, it was enough.
