you have survived every moment of your life
even the ones you swore you wouldn't
Harper recalls how she had given him his bisected staff, with its Ascended nullifying properties. "But...Frey let you include the Ascended in the Refuge's powers," he murmurs, clearly a sharp and logical man even when inebriated. Even when charmed by Safrin. "I know many of the heralds hated the Ascended, but they ruled the Grounds too." So why would it matter to them?
Harper is admittedly glad not to have been rejected in a way that would have been fair for the Flood to do given the Stalwart's uncommon touchiness. Well, uncommon by Caido standards. Standards that are partially to blame for why he is here at the bar now, lonely and lost. It's not something he wants to have in common with Sunjata - for both their sakes - but he manages a tiny smile all the same. What else can he say but more apologies?
Harper watches the water stream into his cup and grimaces, but - a rather submissive man at times when it comes to commands, even unspoken ones - he reluctantly takes it up and drinks from it. If Sunjata believes he's at his limit, it's best to acquiesce. "I've never been one for sleeping with anyone I don't have feelings for," he admits softly, moreso out of contemplation than shame. Harper has never been ashamed to be different from the stereotypical masculine mindset. "And I only drink when I'm...like this." His jaw feathers, clearly indulging in a moment of self-hatred as he holds his water cup and stares at the empty vessels to the left. "I have a lot of old war trauma. If I lose control...I'm always afraid it will come out. Hurt someone." A confession he has only ever made to Phoebe, but Harper believes Sunjata might be the only other person who will understand.
Gripping his glass, he props his other arm onto the table and drops his head into his palm, sighing. "But clearly it's not working for me anymore. Maybe I do need to try it." At worst, it wouldn't work. A humorless chuckle leaves him, emboldened by the liquid courage in his veins. "Gods, I haven't even been with a man since before Caido. I do miss it." Misses, desperately, the way he could give up control instead of always being expected to take it. Fuck, maybe he will take Sunjata up on that offer. That idea alone is immensely enticing.
Harper is admittedly glad not to have been rejected in a way that would have been fair for the Flood to do given the Stalwart's uncommon touchiness. Well, uncommon by Caido standards. Standards that are partially to blame for why he is here at the bar now, lonely and lost. It's not something he wants to have in common with Sunjata - for both their sakes - but he manages a tiny smile all the same. What else can he say but more apologies?
Harper watches the water stream into his cup and grimaces, but - a rather submissive man at times when it comes to commands, even unspoken ones - he reluctantly takes it up and drinks from it. If Sunjata believes he's at his limit, it's best to acquiesce. "I've never been one for sleeping with anyone I don't have feelings for," he admits softly, moreso out of contemplation than shame. Harper has never been ashamed to be different from the stereotypical masculine mindset. "And I only drink when I'm...like this." His jaw feathers, clearly indulging in a moment of self-hatred as he holds his water cup and stares at the empty vessels to the left. "I have a lot of old war trauma. If I lose control...I'm always afraid it will come out. Hurt someone." A confession he has only ever made to Phoebe, but Harper believes Sunjata might be the only other person who will understand.
Gripping his glass, he props his other arm onto the table and drops his head into his palm, sighing. "But clearly it's not working for me anymore. Maybe I do need to try it." At worst, it wouldn't work. A humorless chuckle leaves him, emboldened by the liquid courage in his veins. "Gods, I haven't even been with a man since before Caido. I do miss it." Misses, desperately, the way he could give up control instead of always being expected to take it. Fuck, maybe he will take Sunjata up on that offer. That idea alone is immensely enticing.
this time is no different
you will last
