I'll drown eventually so don't save me
Plucking at her sodden sleeves, hungry for any sliver of thought or advice that might settle the conflict within her, Maea kept watching Sunjata as he processed her question. She had surprised him, she realized, and kept surprising herself with how important his thoughts still were to her. Even after all this time.
What he eventually offered... was not quite what she had wanted to hear.
"I did that too," she admitted softly. "After coming back, when I realized what I'd done. I only fed when it was necessary, and sometimes not even then." It was Amun who had turned her away from that. Him dragging her bodily back to the Grounds, where she was safe. No more roaming, no more self destruction. "I told myself that it would be different this time, now that I actually can feel again. It's just... so overwhelming. And I don't trust myself. There's a part of me that doesn't care about what happens to people... like I could step on anyone and feel nothing at all about it." Like with the hospital she had burned, or the girl she had attacked. All means to an end, callous and cruel. "I worry that it will grow. Take over. I think... if that happens, there's no going back."
Maybe she wasn't a monster now, but what if she fell too deeply into the predator, and forgot what it was to be human? She could appreciate the notion of order, just as when Danta had told her of Dygra and Caido - in theory. Never had she considered becoming the one to shed blood and take and take until she was sated. That wasn't her - was it?
Frustrated, Maea rubbed damp palms against her eyes. Wiping at tears that shouldn't fall, pressing a little too hard against the eyeballs until the ache reminded her of life.
"I'm sorry... I didn't intend to bother you with this. Or anyone else, for that matter." Sounding hoarse, the smile she flashed at the Flood was too sharp, more a grimace that did nothing to lighten the mood.
What he eventually offered... was not quite what she had wanted to hear.
"I did that too," she admitted softly. "After coming back, when I realized what I'd done. I only fed when it was necessary, and sometimes not even then." It was Amun who had turned her away from that. Him dragging her bodily back to the Grounds, where she was safe. No more roaming, no more self destruction. "I told myself that it would be different this time, now that I actually can feel again. It's just... so overwhelming. And I don't trust myself. There's a part of me that doesn't care about what happens to people... like I could step on anyone and feel nothing at all about it." Like with the hospital she had burned, or the girl she had attacked. All means to an end, callous and cruel. "I worry that it will grow. Take over. I think... if that happens, there's no going back."
Maybe she wasn't a monster now, but what if she fell too deeply into the predator, and forgot what it was to be human? She could appreciate the notion of order, just as when Danta had told her of Dygra and Caido - in theory. Never had she considered becoming the one to shed blood and take and take until she was sated. That wasn't her - was it?
Frustrated, Maea rubbed damp palms against her eyes. Wiping at tears that shouldn't fall, pressing a little too hard against the eyeballs until the ache reminded her of life.
"I'm sorry... I didn't intend to bother you with this. Or anyone else, for that matter." Sounding hoarse, the smile she flashed at the Flood was too sharp, more a grimace that did nothing to lighten the mood.
Maea
