the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

“Lucas did enough whoring himself.” Sunjata replies swiftly, finding that harness to her gaze that invites his own shadows and darkness to enter his steel. But when she misinterprets him is when his head tilts, gaze narrowing a small amount on her. “Flirting is not fucking.” He pauses. “And for the record I didn’t fuck them nor even flirt with them. I’ve only fucked Hotaru and Nate, if we’re keeping track now.” A muscle feathers in his jaw and then she’s moving toward him.

Then her hands are on him and he tries to pull away because they’re not done with this conversation yet. But she pairs her magic with her actions and it causes him to bend enough to her forced kiss, a hiss leaving him when she bites down on his lower lip, arms lifting for his hands to find her shoulders to try and push her away for space.

But then she’s shoving him and he’s forced to listen when he steps back to keep his balance, too tall to remain a pulse, too easily brought down. So he lets her spit her fire and anger, building up his own until of course she lashes out for his legs and he stumbles, brought down to one knee, looking up at her as she curses and airs all of her grievances.

Only when she’s done does he reply back, calm and collected at first as he reins the leash within a bit tighter until it snaps. “You’re clearly more blinded than you think, Maea.” He says, looking up at her while he remains on one knee. “But while we’re on this subject, no. I don’t use my dick to my advantage. I can flirt for hours and hours and get nowhere and that’s fine because that’s not what matters. What matters is the Guild and the people within it. And unlike you they can tell the difference between playful banter and me wanting to fuck them.”

He pushes himself up from the ground to get into her space, to tower over her. “But I’m flattered you think you could run it. You. Who couldn’t even embrace you’ve had magic your entire life until I told you it was okay. And really? I mean, I know that I’ve been manipulated my whole life into doing whatever people wanted. But for you? For me to tell you and suddenly it’s okay? As if you hadn’t lost control and endangered those around you?” He laughs though it sounds more like a scoff.

“As for my guild, no. You’re not a member. Because they’d eat you up and chew you out for your naivety. It’s a cute look though, much better than the prude one you wore before.” He’s unleashed, unrestrained, and Haai whines from the brush of grass by his ankles. But he doesn’t care, has gone past that point. And he takes a step to advance on her. “I would die for them Maea. I’ve been asking for it so long maybe it’ll be a relief, huh? But that’s not what you care about. You want me to tell you that you’re more important than they are. That I love you more than the woman that was my other half. But would you do as she did? No. You wouldn’t. Because you’re not her.” Fangs peek out from the way he speaks, bone white teeth sharp and bright against the flush to his face.

“You are the opposite of her. Too caught up in taking my problems and my thoughts onto yourself as if they’re you’re fucking problem when it’s not. I never asked you to. I know my flaws, I know that I fuck up constantly. But at least I don’t try to hide behind some guise of pretending to not be selfish when that’s all you are.” A clack of his teeth. “Should I start on the jealousy too? Because there’s plenty of that to go around.”

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die

He pushed back, that temper flaring up in his eyes with every word she said. But Maea didn't care. It was a bit of a relief to be honest, to cut loose like this. To unleash herself on him, in a very different way than she had earlier.

And just like she'd forced him to do, she listened when he retaliated. Because that's what they did, wasn't it. They listened to each other, even when the stories that rolled from their lips weren't sweet fairly tails and golden roses.

Sunjata's words were sharp and cut hard, cut deep, just like he'd warned her. She felt them delve into the core of her being, stripping away illusion and pretense and any noble ideals she might hold of herself, like blades slicing open flesh revealed the white bone beneath.

When he pushed himself up from his knees, when he towered over her and pressed into her space, Maea stood her ground. Her feet slid apart a little, stance widening and lowering, as if ready for physical combat. Oh, he'd said he wasn't violent in his temper, but she had been. She had forced a kiss on him, the one thing he'd said he despised beyond all else, and she was prepared for retaliation. Expected it, invited to it as she faced him head on, her neck forced back uncomfortably to meet his gaze.

"Oh, of course there is a difference, how foolish of me not to know. You'll have to forgive me, I can only draw from personal experience here, and as you've taught me all I know on the subject, flirting inevitably seems to lead to fucking - if you wanted me to understand otherwise, you should have showed me otherwise." Her voice had softened, become lower; teeth still flashed behind the rosy lips, pearly white and so small compared to his fanged sneer, but no less vicious.

His barb about her magic, about losing control, made her snarl. "I gave you credit for that because your words were the final trigger I needed to make a choice. But don't think I changed my mind so suddenly because of a few words from you. I've had people encourage me to change long before I ever knew you existed, and if it's hard to leave behind the indoctrinations of a lifetime, I expected you of all people to have some understanding of that.

"But go ahead, call me naive. Call me prude, if you want, though we both know by now that's not true. Respecting myself enough not to throw myself at just anyone is a damn sight different from being unwilling to try, and not being interested in sleeping around is a whole nother thing too. Just because I want you and trust you enough to expose myself doesn't mean I'm going to do it for just anyone."

Was it hypocritical to cast around the word 'trust' at this point? Maybe... though there was a core of there for him all the same. Maea had told him more about herself than any other, had entrusted him with her worries and fears, what small hopes and dreams she still possessed. And she had listened, and accepted all of his messed up, twisted past. Flaws and all.. and now he had the audacity to call her selfish for it.

"You're damn right I'm selfish! And I'm jealous, and cruel, and I don't give a damn about it! You've been in this world for barely a year and you think you know anything about what it takes to survive in it, what it takes from you. I've held on for twenty years, so don't think I'm not going to take what I can, hold on to what I want and guard what falls into my hands, because I fucking will!

Her fists clenched where she stood, pathetically small and frail before him, but her spine was straight and her chin held high, as she faced every accusation, every low blow he threw at her. Returned them, with equal brutality, even though a small voice in the back of her mind told her this might be taking things too far. There were words you could not go back on, once they had been let out into the world...

"Unlike you, I don't plan to die for anyone, and you're damn right that I'm not Lusea; I'm not stupid enough to get myself killed and leave people behind to suffer for it. That's selfish. Do you think your guild mates would be happy if you gave your life for theirs? Would you be proud and content if I did that for you? If any of them did that for you?

"Stop being so fucking quick to throw away the only truly precious thing you're likely to get here, Sunjata! Dying is not hard, it's living that's the real challenge. But like everything else, you just keep running away from it, tail tucked between your legs. When are you going to start standing your ground? Is this your idea of changing things? To go straight back to how you used to live, giving up before you've even tried?

"Listen to yourself! You predict failure from the start, of course you keep screwing up with an attitude like that! And that does become my problem, because whether you planned to or not, whether you want to or not, you're a part of my life."

Maea drew for breath, her chest heaving. She wasn't loud, not screaming, but there was such intensity about everything that it took all her strength; and the pressure he exerted on her was immense, just by hovering over her.

"You are mistaken about one thing though. I've never asked you to love me, until today. I never expected you to replace Lusea with me, or make me her equal in your eyes. Or take the place of anyone else! All I want is to be treated with respect, to be seen for me and not some ghost that will never come back. At least now I know you're actually looking at me properly; and if what you're seeing falls somehow short of what you've come to expect, then... then I'm sorry for not being enough. Truly, I am.

"I genuinely want to be a strength to you, but if you really don't want that, then I will stop trying. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you still want to give us a try, then I'm all in, and if all you can offer is the occasional night then... then... then screw pride, I'll accept that!

"If you can't stand the sight of me anymore after this though... then I won't stop you from leaving. Her voice caught at the words, knew they were dangerous, knew he might just storm off then and there... but she said them anyway. Because...

"It's your choice, Sunjata. It always has been, and it always will be.

"That, is the only truly unselfish thing I'm ever likely to do. Because I've never wanted anything more in this life than I want you, and I will accept whatever terms you set. And if that makes me a pathetic, naive, easily manipulated fool, then I guess that's what I am."

Maea threw her hands out to her sides, exposing herself. Relinquishing whatever small amount of control she might have over this awful situation; the ball was in his court.

And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

She said she’d wanted him to not hold back – and now she’ll at least get that wish. He cuts sharp and low, prods at insecurities that he’d otherwise try to boost. But she’s ignited that flood within him, the one that keeps things deep within his mind to unleash when it benefits him, a part of him that he hates but has given into with the pushing and the shoving. That court mask crossing over his face of pretending that nothing hurts, barbs shot and aimed for the heart under the guise of smiles and playfulness.

And still she stands her ground. “And how could I show you otherwise?” He snaps back to her despite her lowered tone. “That was always the end goal with you. But the minute I flirt with someone else then you’d worry you weren’t enough.” He wonders if she notices how well she’d been read when he’d given Nate that look, the one that spurred the insecurities when they hadn’t even been together at that point.

On the subject of magic, however, Sunjata watches her. “I took the first chance I could to get out of it. But your family is gone and still you thought it was a curse.” A cold smile crosses his face as he shakes his head to her, going nowhere but around and around again in a circle of this argument, perhaps the root of it all in the end.

So he listens to the rest of her tirade, the pride of being selfish and jealous and cruel. How he’s barely been here a year and knows it all, and that smile crosses his face again cold and cutting and deep. “Oh, you’re right about that. But this? This is a breath of fresh fucking air compared to Korofi. You wouldn’t last there, deemed weak and chewed up and spat out, branded and marked and tossed aside.” There was no magic in Korofi, no gods to rely on, nothing but the strength of your bones and your sheer will. He doesn’t have to think about where that’d leave her.

But when he gets to the point of his comparison to Lusea, that’s when it gets interesting. She tells him that he runs away, predicts failure from the start. There’s a narrowing hardness of his gaze and a growl that passes his throat, watching her heave for breath. “Of course I predict failure from the start. It’s the only fucking constant thing to happen. Expect the worst and be surprised when it works out. At least that way it’s not disappointing.” He’s not sure how long his soul could come crashing down with failure after failure if he didn’t.

And she exposes herself, tells him that he’s free to leave, and he can feel the feathers shifting on his arms as he regards her, stepping forward into her space again to where they’re nearly touching. “I have treated you with nothing but respect, Maea. But fine, I get it. I really do.” He laughs to that, a cold, sharp cutting sound that reverberates in his chest. And he reaches up to grasp her jaw with his strong hands, making her look at him as he searches her gaze, but there’s nothing of himself in the storms, too far past it. “You knew my choice from the beginning, and I conceded with you to make you happy. Do not pretend that it’s unselfish of you to grant me this. But maybe when your heads clear we can talk about this again.” And he steps back from her, looking to the brush where Haai settles.

“But I’m done for today. I look forward to the letter, though.” He’s not sure if it comes out as a taunt or a truth, but he turns away from her and the feathers sprout a bit more along his chest now and his shoulders and neck, hiding her marks and hiding his tattoos. “Kom ons gaan.” He tells Haai, giving Maea one last glance before he shifts into his avian form and takes to the sky, unsure of where he’s heading but sure she can find her own way to the Portal. Haai spares one last forlorn look to Maea before she spreads her iridescent wings and goes to follow him.

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die

What was left to say? So many hateful words had already been thrown, like stones against window panes. Waiting to see whether they would riccochet off or break.

Maea felt every retort continue to cut her, and she let it. Let him growl and spit venom like a snake, let him catch her jaw between his fingers in a grip that was far from kind. She searched his eyes there, to try and find any trace of the man she had fallen in love with... and found him right in front of her. Ah, this was the flood she had wanted to drown in. The storm she had searched for, asked for, wanted to see unleashed.

It felt like she was finally able to see all of him, laid bare down to every last bone, every ugly, awful, horrible detail. Here was the monster, the killer, the ruthless eyes that looked at her and saw all her flaws and actually had the nerve to throw them into her face.

Finally he stopped treating her like she was breakable. Ah, it was so refreshing. And gods save her, she couldn't help but love him even more now. Twisted... that's what she was. So happy when it hurt.

"I just wanted something to be easy, for once. To have something that was only mine. But that's the biggest illusion, isnt it? You can't own people... just hope they stick around for a while."

And clearly he was done staying around her. He let her go, backed off, and said they would keep talking when her head was clear. And maybe he saw something she didn't  - Maea felt perfectly clear, perfectly rational - but she found no words to stop him from leaving, from cutting this off without an answer, without any kind of resolution.

A letter? At least he wasn't so done that they would never speak again. But what could be said in a letter that hadn't already been conveyed here? He wanted her, but with no strings attached. And she wanted him, with full committment. It felt like an awful conflict of interest, and Maea wondered if she was wrong, or if he was. If there was any such thing as a middle ground here.

She watched him sprout feathers, call Haai to him, and saw him fly off in the dying light. There would be no hand to hold on the long journey to Kaiholo port, no lingering glances as she left for Halo, no last kiss to tide them over. This... was the worst possible ending to a day that had seemed so full of promise. And that just proved the whole point, didn't it.

Nothing ever stayed. Especially not the good things.

--------

- Fin

And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh