the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

It was a harmless topic, or so he thinks. Trying his hardest to keep them hidden away, the darker places his mind often is drawn to. And when she offers her help, Sunjata nods a small amount to that before smiling. “I’m hoping to make it an Advocates affair, so I’ll let you know if we do.” But even if not? If not, there’d still be rooms to spare, rooms to share, and perhaps… Perhaps she could come and see the work for herself.

“You’re welcome there anytime, you know.” He looks back to her with a raise of his brow, hoping that if she needed time away from the Academy but to remain in Halo, that he would ensure a space was reserved there for her too.

Somewhat of a plan, even if Sunjata never was good at making them and seeing them through.

The mention of Loren and their plans has him shrugging his shoulders a small amount before a playful smirk crosses his face. “Somebody has to save Loren from drowning.” And he winks to that, a bit more of that roguish charm, that mask overcoming him to keep the feelings out. “But sure, sounds like a nice time.”

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

The safe topic turned into a not so safe one, as he reminded her that the bar in Halo was just another cover for the Advocates. More shady stuff, with people she didn't know and for ends she didn't quite understand. The opening of portals and gathering information for them, sure, but... smuggling? Stealing, underhanded deals and all the other things he hadn't actually told her about... it was a door poked open into a shadow world Maea wasn't sure she quite wanted to enter, and yet stood on the threshold of, being with Sunjata.

And now... was that an invitation to come take a closer look at the uglier side of night? Or just to come play with him, whenever he had time for her?

And yet it wasn't the idea that she would be welcome, given shelter by liars and thieves, that made her stop. It was the way he covered something up with his wink and his grin, the way he kept inviting her in despite pulling away, pushing her back.  

She dropped his hand quite suddenly and stopped. Dragged her fingers through the hair - or tried to, before remembering that he had braided it, trapped her white silk in neat coils. Very pretty, but not conductive to relieve stress from a chest that felt tight with... frustration.

"Sunjata, this... I'm confused," she admitted, something strained in the way her chest heaved, as she turned towards him. Like it was bordering on becoming too much, all of it. "You say you need time and space to think, and yet here we are, making more plans. What... what is this, what are we doing?" What are you doing? "Paint a picture for me, please, because I don't know what I'm looking at anymore."

Were they still together? Or not? Just friends? Or...

Either way, it didn't matter, Maea just needed to know. So she could get used to whatever this new rulebook said.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

She drops his hand and it’s so sudden that he stills where he steps, unconsciously reverting a small amount to Korofi and his enforcing as he steps back to give her the space she seems like she wants and folds his hands behind him to give her his full attention. The mask grows and grows as she speaks, hiding away the true thoughts he has within — knowing it’ll only prolong another argument, another way of trying to get each other to see their sides, when they couldn’t.

Paint a picture for her? How can he when he can’t see it, can’t figure it out from there?

So he sighs heavily, turns his head away from her to look back at that lighthouse, a muscle feathering from tension in his jaw. “I don’t know… A break, I suppose. Of figuring it out.” His gaze drifts off to follow a bird that begins to find its home among the shadowing sky. “I need time where I’m not putting you in danger, when I can figure out exactly what it is I need and want without putting it on you.” But theyd already been over why he doesn’t want to pin it on her.

So his gaze finds hers again, and he can’t help the slight bite of his lip as he regards her. “A… Break, for me to move the advocates and get that figured out at the very least.” Together and yet… Not. What other words could he use for it? This tiptoeing adventure he finds himself in, knee deep in the fields of grasses. To give them time to decide if it’s really what they want, if existence is too painful without one another, or if she truly is just a bandage for his problems.

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

Ah, but she saw it. Thought she did, at least. Perhaps clearer than he did, at any rate, because though he dressed this in pretty words... wasn't he repeating the same pattern yet again? Leaving himself free to come and go as he pleased, only it would be back and forth to the same person, this time? To her.

She saw the distance he created, the space he offered, and wanted to scream, because that space wasn't really for her, it was once again for him. What he needed, what he seemed t crave. Oh, they'd plunged deep into raging waters and let themselves be dragged along, and now...? Had they come too far, too fast? Was she driving him away, the more she tried to hold on?

Not unlikely. And that terrified her. And like always, it made her reach for him. A trembling hand twitching to touch him, close that space, seeking some small measure of comfort. Some steadiness in a world changing too fast.

"Will... will it really be a break though, if we keep meeting every other week?" Maea hated the question, what it might imply, but knew she had to ask. "Please don't take this the wrong way, you know what I would prefer, I want to have you there, but... won't it be just the same thing, all over again? Coming and going... won't it just hurt more? Will it change anything?"  

Would he ever figure out if he needed that bandaid, unless he ripped it off? Let it sting and burn and hurt, and see if it kept bleeding... or if he somehow had healed enough to move on?

The only problem was... what it might mean for her. But... still. Wasn't it also painful to have him come and go, like she was some kind of revolving door?

But she'd said she would wait for him. That she would do anything for him. And she did mean it.

And she hoped her eyes could convey it as she tried to catch his gaze, because her words sure didn't do the trick todya.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

Her question causes something uncomfortable to cross his face, a flicker through the mask. “It wouldn’t…” He trails off his uncertainty of what she wants to hear. “Not like this.” He half explains, a hand coming from behind him to reach to rub at his throat, over compasses and bruises as he sighs quietly, the alcohol having wore off, making it harder to explain.

“Unless you wanted that, but it would make it harder.” He explains again, somewhat dancing around the subject. That it wouldn’t be a togetherness of her waking up in his bed unless she wanted him there, to give her the light of it all again before he disappeared into the dark once more. It would be different, almost like friends but something more. A possibility that if he gets his shit together that it could work.

As it stands right now, he’s not even thinking of that. He’s simply thinking of the distance as a different thing all together — neither of them shifting schedules or plans to fit one another in. And perhaps that’s what hurts more, those days of wondering if she’s safe in Halo after Loren had told him that there was an Ursur they’d had to fight.

But then she’s there, reaching for him, and he has half a mind to step out of it and give her the space it’s so clear he’s trying to grasp for, unsure and uncertain of the reason once more. But he remains, still as a pillar and letting her touch though his arms remain in the same positions. “I should ask you what you think it means.” He finally answers a bit more with a frown, looking down to her.

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

Her hand only got as far as his arm, before she realized he wasn't reacting. Not responding, offering her his hand like he had done before. It made her falter, fingers slipping away again to hang limp by her side. He was so close. Only a breath away, but... the way he looked at her, with his face so oddly closed off, he could just as well have been a mile off.

His attempt at explaining didn't really help. As she breathed in, biting back the prickling behind her eyes again, that hateful need to cry - as if it would solve any problems - Maea thought about his question. Tried to look at herself the way she saw him. Clear, sharp, without mercy... without judgement.

And perhaps she wasn't as drunk as before, but apparently she still had the courage to speak her mind, exactly as it was. Ugly as it might be.

"I think... I'm just afraid," she admitted. Quiet again, a little weak, but clear. Honest. "It feels like we're going back to those early days. When you wanted to play, and I... couldn't bring myself to let go of the control I had. Over myself. There's a part of me with stupid amounts of pride that says I'm being toyed with. Used. That... if it's not clear cut and well defined with neat borders and rules, then it's somehow dangerous."

Shrugging, she gave him an apologetic half smile, as if to say she wasn't afraid of him, per se, more of the uncertainty of this situation they were putting themselves in. "I guess... it's really a trust issue. A control issue. If I can't see you, then I don't know what you're thinking, what's happening, whether you are happy or angry or sad, and I won't be able to tell how I'm supposed to react. And if I don't know when you're coming and going, then... I won't know if you'll actually come back. Or if every time I say goodbye will feel like the last time."

Her eyes dimmed, and she blinked them furiously, refusing to give in to the emotions, for all that they colored her voice again. It was terrifying to tell him all this. Because she knew it might hurt... it probably would.

"I think it means... that I'm being placed in a very vulnerable position. Hoping and waiting for something that might not happen... And I have no way of affecting the outcome. I'll be... completely powerless to decide my own fate."

And gods, that was something she hated. Everything she worked so hard to escape.

Did he understan now, how hard this would be for her? What he asked of her, when he said he wanted to have the cookie and eat it, at the same time?

"If you say this is what you need though... I'll try doing this your way." What did they call it? Friends with benefits? No committment?

As long as it wasn't open for other people... but maybe that was her pride speaking again. The one that wouldn't settle for being one in a crowd.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

He is closing off, slowly, trying his best not to. And yet, he reverts back to old ways, muscles feathering with tension along his biceps and his jaw as he watches her – sees the way she withdraws too. He continues to gnaw on the inside of his cheek, asking her what she thinks it means, what she thinks will come of this. And when he listens to her, he does as he always does and gives her his full attention.

And his hand drops from his neck, watching the way she shrugs and gives him an apologetic half smile. “That’s exactly what I don’t want.” He offers equally as quiet, as soft, his accent a bit thicker here as he regards her. “But the road is dangerous if you’re with me regardless if there’s neat borders and rules… And I’ve never really been one to stick to rules.” And she should know that, based off of what he’d done in Korofi.

He was a rebel, he didn’t go by rules. Not anymore, not after being the one raised to make them and enforce them. He’s done enough enforcing, done enough caring.

“Is that different from when you’re away in Halo and I’m here or at the bar?” He asks quietly, head tilting. “Is it only different because we’ve agreed to be something?” Because if that’s the case, his track record wasn’t good there either. After all, he’d only had eyes for Maea (and Nate’s teeth) when he’d been married. It was not a good situation, not a good combination.

But when she tells him that she’s afraid of being completely powerless of her own fate, that’s when his frown deepens a small amount and he looks away from her, back to the lighthouse with a small quiet sigh. “I don’t want you to do that Maea. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more than I already am… More than I already have.” He finally says with a small shake of his head. “But to place your fate on me of all people is to poise yourself for disappointment. Perhaps… Perhaps we need space so you can see that you can be just as strong and powerful as you are by my side but by yourself.” It hurts him to say it, but his gaze lands on her all the same.

“I’ll still be there to cheer you on, but I don’t want you to do what makes you uncomfortable. And I don’t blame you for not trusting me, half the time I don’t trust myself. So.” Another shrug, a shadowed look crossing his eyes as he keeps his gaze on her – watching and waiting, seeing if he’s misinterpreted her words.

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

She listened, like he listened to her. With full attention, leaving everything else aside to hear, to see and try to understand. And the thing is? The thing is... he's right. And she hates it. Hates hearing it, because she knows it's true. Maea was setting herself up for disappointment. For heartbreak, when she built a house on a man. When she gave him everything, without checking to see if he wanted it.

And yet, these were all fears. And he'd helped her conquer some of those in the past, right?

She brought her arms up, to hug herself, since he wouldn't. And the tears burned behind her eyes, but she bit them back, chewed them up and swallowed them down so that she wouldn't ruin this completely. Not more than she already had.

"The thing is? I've changed so much this past season," she said, hoarsely. "Everything that was old is gone. Everything I knew is different. And so... I have this feeling. That I want to try and change myself too. Face my fears. Become stronger. Someone that won't break."

Breathing deeply helped. It steadied her, helped her see clearer. Looking away from him, out over the setting sun, Maea found that... it wasn't as painful as she'd thought. The colors were different from last time. The shape of the clouds not the same. The ocean lay still as a mirror this evening, with not a wave to be seen. The ocean never remained the same... so why should she?

"Would it be okay?" she asked, turning back to him. "If I tried to change a little more, just like you? So maybe I won't have to lean so hard on you... and... and maybe I'll become better at trusting.

"Maybe you won't let me down, and maybe... maybe it won't be so bad to let go as I think now.

"I don't know... But, I'd like to try."

If he still wanted to. If she hadn't said too much, offered too much truth.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

She wraps her arms around herself, to hug herself and his hands twitch at his sides for the need to break the space – space that he had requested as he tries to hear beneath the words she gives him, tries to hear the meaning beneath them. “You already are someone who won’t break.” He tells her quietly, a small weak smile crossing his face. Because if she had, it would have been far quicker to get her where he had wanted her – to keep her there, and he’d found that he had a hard time trying to make her do anything.

But she turns back to him, and he keeps his gaze along the pale lines of her face, watching. To be more like him, to become better at trusting, maybe he won’t let her down when he knows that he will. And he has to force himself to take a deep breath and look to the lighthouse again, contemplating. Would it? With this break he’d already drilled into his head the possibility that maybe she’d spend a few nights in someone else’s bed, to lean on someone else for a while when he’s not around.

And he finds that he’s okay with that. Because he’d already told her his thoughts, a bandaid to fix the problem. And he had used so many bandaids recently – each bed a different form of one. So he sighs quietly though his nose, gaze drifting back down to her and not even knowing where to start really. “Maea…” He pauses, searching her face. It would be the same agreement he had with Hotaru. But they had been open to sleep with whomever they wanted in between… He doesn’t think Maea could handle that.

“What are you terms then?” He asks, head tilting a small amount. “What do you expect of me to do? Because there’s been a few different ways I’ve done this.” He’s not exactly proud to admit it, but again his honesty shines through. And he won't let terminology and agreements bring him down again as they once had.

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

It was terrifying, truth be told. And when he said her name like that, Maea was sure he would reject her, reject the whole notion, that it was a bridge burned and an end to all of this. She couldn't quite believe him when he said she was someone who wouldn't break, because she didn't feel strong in the slightest... But that was part of the bargain, right? Change.

Looks like it would be the leading word of next season too.

Then he spoke of terms, and she bit her lip. Rubber her upper arms with fingers that felt a little stiff, a little cold. Scared, like she was walking on some tightrope with abyss on either side and fiery pits below.

"I... don't know," she admitted. "I've no idea. My first instinct is to back out already. The second... to ask you to show me. What's scary and what's not. Like you offered, once. Except I suppose this would be different..." And then? Then she had no more ideas. Except wanting him all to herself, and drawing those hard lines, which was not the point, for any of them.

"What are the ways you've done things? This is what you need too... what would you prefer? If you tell me that, maybe I can say if it just scares me or if I'd be wrecked by it..." She tried to smile, and it worked. Came out shaky, but rather genuine.

It felt like she was making a deal with the devil for real, this time.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

Oh he doesn’t particularly want to explain to her what exactly he’s done. Because he knows she’s going to hate every bit of it, every single moment of it. And he shakes his head lightly, as if he can’t quite form the right words to explain to her the different ways he’s done it. “It would be.” He agrees quietly, almost solemnly. The terms and ideas of it all were different, so much so from what she was used to.

Already she’s shown him that she doesn’t particularly like to share – and what happens when he gets together with Weaver to build the bar? The jokes and taunts aside, the flirtations that surround them even if neither of them would step over that line? What then? So many what ifs that when she asks him what the ways he’s done things are, he supposes he can at least be honest with her for that too.

A muscle feathers in his jaw and he looks to her, knowing within his shadowed gaze she’s going to hate it. “The most successful for me was with no attachments.” He begins, slowly and quietly, watching her face for any noticeable reactions. “Good friends that sometimes got together for more.” He indicates with a slight wave of his hand before he frowns lightly. “But that also means we would both be free to be with whomever in the time in between.”

He lets that settle before he takes another deep breath, gaze flitting to the lighthouse, the clouds, the way the wind drifts through the grasses, and back to her. “But I know that’s not what you want, what you’re comfortable with. So we need to decide if it’s breaking it off for now and see where we're at when I figure my shit out or if you want to try that.” A bit of brutal honesty, shadows haunting his gaze at what she might take from it. He doesn't want it to be like that - but if he keeps himself reserved under the guise of a break, he knows he's just going to ruin it as well.

He knows himself better than that. And at the end of the day, how does that make it different than being in a relationship like they had before?

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

So much for honesty. Truth really could cut ropes as fast as lies, couldn't they... She'd said too much. Showed her hand too clearly, and look at where it brought her.

He listed the options, and Maea felt the ground crumble beneath her all over again. What happened to the happy medium of being away but seeing each other often? To train and have fun and share what they could and then...

But that's what she had known, wasn't it. That he couldn't stick to it. That there would be too many temptations between now and next time, and then she wasn't talking only about sleeping with other people. Gods, he hadn't even been talking about that bit for most of the time, and yet it was all she could really think about. All she worried about.

With a sound like a whimper she sank down on her heels, still holding herself tight, knuckles whitening on her fingers again. Eyes closed, she shut him out for a moment, tried to sort through the violent rejections both the options left her with. To have him sometimes... or to not have him at all. To share him with potential others... or leave him all to them.

It all came down to pride, in the end, didn't it? What she was willing to put up with.

"I hate both of them," she admitted, from behind gritted teeth. While they were this blunt, let's just go ahead and leave it all out there, why don't they. "I wish I could take it back, take everything back, that I never left the bed this morning. Fuck this, why did it have to become this way...?" It was a hiss, a sob, a wretched sound of ugly words... and she who so rarely cussed bit it off and spat it out like it tasted far too bitter to keep on her tongue.  

"I just... can't think of anyone I'd want besides you," she went on. Hid her face in the sleeves, fists clenched so hard. "So in the end.. it would just be one sided. I'd still be waiting alone, and you would be..." What would he be doing? Fucking Nate, probably. Doing the rounds, picking up the new, the interesting, the things he hadn't tried before. Just to see if it tasted different from her. If anything left him wanting more than her.

If he missed her enough to come back.

"It's the same, no matter what I choose, isn't it."

They could call it love all they wanted. Could even mean it. Believe it, and yet... what did it matter, if none of them trusted it?

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

when the world turns upside down, you should blame it on me

She sinks, whimpers, closes him out and he has to look away from her. But he still listens, knowing that it’s the result that would either happen now, or the questions that would filter around her mind when she’s back in Halo. If he was laying awake at night wondering whether or not he should tell her it had been a mistake, if he should crawl back to her after realizing that he could see a future with her.

As it stands right now? He can’t. He can hardly see a future for himself, let alone someone else – someone else who had built this season of her life upon him, only to be disappointed in the end like they always were. But for her to take the blame? To ask why it had come to this? Oh, they both know. They know it’s him, and not for the lack of her love.

Perhaps for the lack of his.

“It’s not you, Maea.” It’s a weak confession. “It would have happened eventually. You know that. I know that.” His words are almost flat, as if he’s trying to keep that mask on, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep from clenching them into fists at his idiocy. “And who knows? Maybe someone will catch your eye for a night.” A clench of his jaw as much as he hates that idea too, but knows that it’s only fair if he does the same.

“It’s one sided either way. Because that’s what I do. I get things for the Advocates by flirting and sometimes more. I got Nate to join by being the cause of his failed relationship. I flirted with Weaver the entire time I got her to join. Hotaru joined right when Lusea disappeared and gave me a distraction, an out with no expectations if she walked right through that door again.” More and more honesty. “I don’t care about the rest that I’ve been with because they don’t matter to me in the end. Not like you do, not like how all of this has mattered to me. And it has, it really has.” He lets his gaze land on her again.

“But if you’re there and I have to do something like that to extend the Advocates? You’d hate it all the same.” Perhaps that’s where the problem lies. “And I don’t want to break those rules for you in order to do that. So it’s best for me to not have them if I'm trying to grow the Guild and doing whatever I can to ensure it survives. Lucas would have wanted that. Adam would have wanted that. And now it's mine to work on when every season we seem to lose more members than we gain.”

sunjata

Coding base by Odd!

Maea

And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die

Words. So many words.

He never lied, but gods, did he twist his own words around until they meant nothing. What a good thing that she had decided to watch his actions instead. To see if he would prove himself trustworthy. What an unfortunate thing that her heart got so involved before it came to this, and she got to see him for what he really was. What it felt like, to be on the other side of those broken hearts.

"... do you think they're going to stay, like that?" she asked, and looked up at him. Tears were glistening in her eyes, and there was something hard in them that had never been there before. A darkness that swallowed up whatever light she usually held when gazing upon him... as if the moon had gone dark, and no stars remained. Her voice hardened too. It made Shii startle, drifting off from her shoulder, but Maea didn't pay the wisp any heed.

"Did Lucas tell you to whore yourself out to anyone, just to make them follow you? Did Adam? Did you fuck Peter too, and that's why he was your friend? Sunjata, do you honestly believe that the only reason people follow you is because of your cock?"

Rising up, in a single motion that was smooth, graceful, feline in its suddenness, she stalked over to him. Eyes blazing, lips curling in something like a snarl. Maea put a hand at his chest, the other around his neck, and without giving him the chance to back away or break off, she pulled him down with all her strength, and a bit of telekinesis too, and crushed her mouth to his. Pushed her tongue against his lips to claim his mouth, her teeth biting down hard on his lower lip... Then, quite as suddenly, she pushed him away. Again, reinforcing what little strength she had with telekinesis, knowing it would surprise him. She'd made Loren budge, doing the very same thing.

"Do you think I'm standing here, having this shitty conversation with you, just because I like to fuck you? Do you honestly believe I'm going to give you up just because you want a group of thugs to lord over? Gods damn it, Sunjata, is that what you think loyalty is?"

She pushed at him again, using both hands this time, her pent up emotions finally igniting, anger overtaking grief. Fueled by pain still, but oh Ludo, she was furious. And so gods damned tired of hearing him doubt himself over and over and over again.

"Fine then! If you get them to join by fucking them, you better keep them fucked too. Are you going to keep a schedule for them? One night with Nate, one night with Hotaru, one with Weaver - oh no, make that two because you're not always around in Halo, are you?"

Her teeth might not bear fangs, but they were bared all the same, and she punctuated the names he'd mentioned with more shoves. A palm to his chest, nothing more. To make him step back, react, listen for one damn moment without interrupting or twisting her words.

"And hey, since you've fucked me so often, that must mean I'm a member too now! Go ahead, add my name to your list, send me off with the rest of them to smuggle your useless shit; it's not too dangerous for you, so I should be fine. Do you want me to recruit for you too? I'm sure they'll follow me after that though; better watch out, or I'll take your fucking throne from you!"

In a swift motion she swiped a leg at his ankle and pushed again, to make him trip, fall back, hopefully crumple before her.. or at the very least come down on a knee, so she could face him properly.

"I'm only going to say this once, so listen very closely, boy. If you treat people like disposable toys, that's how they will treat you back. Go ahead and build your guild, I will not stop you. But if you for a second think that they will stay, once they figure out how little they mean to you... then all you will be left with is dust. You are stronger than that. You've got far more to offer than simple lust, and if you think that your body is the only way you can make people follow you? Then you have no business playing in these waters.

"I've not met the captain of the Ark, but if his cook is anything to go by, you've got a whole 'nother thing coming. And I can practically guarantee that they won't do their business between the sheets. What do you do, when your guild unravels because they keep looking over their shoulders at each other, wondering who you'll abandon next?

"Your ass is damn cute, Sunjata, but don't think it will be enough to make them listen to you in the long run."

And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh