the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

“You are enough.” He reiterates, voice taking on a pang of something akin to desperation. She had asked for his honesty, and here he was giving it to her – with everything on the line in a home that could have been theirs, that still might be if he could figure out what the fuck it was he should be saying. But he can’t, because he’d promised not to lie to her – promised to tell her when she wasn’t enough, to talk through their issues.

And so he’d asked, the simple what if, when there was nothing simple about it.

Her voice is weak, hearing the contradiction despite him being sure it was different, when she hadn’t the experience to understand it. Her gaze is wounded when she finally looks at him and he runs a hand through his hair with a quiet sigh, unsure of where to begin, where to start. “That’s why I asked what would happen.” He says with some defeat. “Because if I do need to, I want you there to be the reason not to give in like I was for you.” His gaze shadows a small amount, voice surprisingly steady.

His gaze is serious as it lands on her, filtering along the way her jaw trembles. “Would you be able to stop it if he didn’t?” He asks quietly, no judgement in his tone. “You’re stronger than I am, you know this Maea. You drew those lines in the sand hoping I’d step over them anyway because you know that I’m weak, and you’ve seen me tiptoe them constantly.”

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

She just shook her head, because she couldn't see how she was, if he was so ready to leap into the arms of someone else if she really gave him everything he needed. "How can I be if you would let him touch you? If you would want him to touch you? You say you know how you get, so why would you even put yourself in a position to risk something like that happening?" Maea's voice was growing more desperate too, her breathing faster, hitching like it was somehow painful to breathe.

And at his suggestion that he should be there, she gasped, looking shocked. Bewildered, like it was the most fucked up thing she'd ever heard.
"So... so what? I'm supposed to sit there and watch you? See you get hot for someone else, and... and then what? Finish you off, while you think about him?"
The jealousy was showing through now, and her words came faster, more frantic, fingernails digging into her upper arms. Too deep, too hard; she would draw blood soon, but couldn't even bring herself to care. That pain was nothing to what went on inside her.

"I did not draw lines for you to break, I expected you to KEEP them! Is that what you think? That I've been playing coy and hard to get, this whole time?

"I said no the first time because I did not want to be a cheat. I said no the second time, because I wanted you to be MINE. And when you did not want that, I backed off!

"I've been crystal clear on what I need from you, from the first day, and you think I've been setting these lines for you to break?"

Her voice was filling the space now, ringing against the rafters... but oh, it wasn't like this he'd wanted her to speak of him to the world, was it? And the moment they had shared just now, the loving words, the tenderness... the taste of it lingered on her tongue still, and felt like so much ash in her mouth.

To the question if she would be able to stop Nate... Maea pressed her lips together tightly. Didn't even want to think about how the man had made her feel that day, had avoided thinking about it, pushed it away, refusing to acknowledge it at all. "That's beside the point," she snapped, nostrils flaring; she was withdrawing, refusing to look at the question properly.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She snaps, and a part of him visibly flinches with the shift, the way she digs her fingers into her arms with enough force he’s sure will do harm. And yet, he simply stares at her, unmoving, letting her words pelt him like wounds when he knows where his faults lie. “Because it’s different.” He says with more of that surprising calm, but he can feel himself tugging onto that leash of his temper for dear life. “He’s the only one in this place that could tell me what was wrong with me, what was wrong with you and the reason we know about your immune system.” He pauses, feathers appearing along his shoulders and neck.

And he laughs, a huff of air when she comments about him getting hot for someone else while she stands by, and his head tilts to her, steel granted in his spine. She’d told him that if they were to fight, to argue, to not hold back. But gods, how he still tries to. “You’re acting like I’ve already fucked around behind your back when this was just a question of what would happen if the scenario presents itself. I’m not sick. But you get sick far more often. And rather than wanting to know what the issue is you’d rather… what? Not?” Gods, he’s digging himself a hole here.

“If you were sick and nobody knew the reason why, and Nate was the only one that could tell me what was wrong with you, would you expect me to say no to that? Because I wouldn’t. I get jealous and pissed off, yeah, but if it was for you and your well-being, I don’t care who you’d have to sleep with so long as it meant you were okay.” He pushes away from the wall, toward her a small amount — mostly to gather his pants and such to slip them on, seeing as there was no need to remain as he was when she’d already covered up.

“No, I don’t think you were. Because unlike me, you have far more morals than I do. You didn’t want to be a cheat, but I was, multiple times, everyone told you that.” His gaze narrows a small amount as the strain of holding the leash gets more and more difficult. “But I’ve done nothing but be with you when I agreed to do this. And you knew going into it that I would be a risk.” Another pause, arms folding across his tattooed chest.

“You wanted my honesty and now you have it. It’s not pretty, it's not what you want to hear. And now you won’t even answer the question.” So now what?

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Maea shook her head, couldn't see what he meant. "Different how?" she persisted, frustration mounting; it felt like they were talking past one another, addressing different topics. But she tried to calm her tone, to keep from shouting at least, in the face of his calm. "If you got sick, I'd go to the ends of the world to figure out why, how to fix it. But if it starts with one bite from Nate, where does it end, if you say you don't want it to stop? One of these so called 'checkups' becomes two, and then it becomes five, and then you're just doing it because it's fun, and then what? When would he be in our bed? At what point does he move into the house, when do 'we' grow into 'us'?"

And for all the she tried, still there was an almost frantic note in her voice, and there was fear in her eyes as she fixed them on Sunjata. Something bordering on panic, some deep dread of losing him that had been there after the dragon scars, after the sharks; it was clear she equaled his bedding of someone else with a something very permanent and lasting. Like had happened with her. With them.

And... Maea didn't think she fit into an equation that equalled more than one plus one. Couldn't see it, couldn't even fathom how it would work.

"I... I wouldn't. Let him touch me at all. I don't want to, I... don't want to know if I could stop it." Maea shook her head sharply, but... there was doubt in her eyes. Because try as she might, she couldn't forget how she had acted that evening. How easily she'd slipped into something completely different, the kind of loose, free ease that only Sunjata had brought out in her.

And frankly... it terrified her.

"I don't want to know.. don't want to know anyone but you, don't what to let anyone else...!" Her knuckles whitened on the fingers as they pressed deeper into her arms, and her shoulders hunched. Not flinching away from him or his words, but from what all this was stirring up inside her. Challenging ideals and norms that she'd never had to test before.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

He listens to her, swallowing down the arguments he wants to give back, this… debate of sorts between attachment that Maea doesn’t understand. And how could she, when Sunjata had been her first everything? It’s fear in her eyes now and Sunjata exhales long and slow, his fingers drumming along his arm. “Because there’s no attachment.” He offers, lifting his head to look at her. “Because it would be for a checkup only and that's where it ends.” There would be no third person in their bed unless she had chosen to experiment.

And he knows these aren’t the words she wants to hear, but he says them anyway, because he has to get her to understand. “There’s a difference between sleeping with someone to share their company for a night and falling in love with them, Maea. I’ve shared… Many, many beds over my years, but there’s only been so few that I’ve truly loved.” A quiet exhale. “But you’re not like that, and that's fine.”

But then she tells him that she doesn’t want it, doesn’t want to do it again because she knows how hard it was to get him to stop. How she doesn’t want to experience anyone but him, and he understands to an extent. “But what if you had to.” He asks quietly, stepping toward her to try and pull her hands from her arms. “It’s how you learn, Maea. I can’t be everything for you regardless of how much I want to be. I’m not perfect, and while it seems like it might be perfect now… It won’t last. I try to do different things with you to see what you like the most because I know you don’t have the experience I do. But I only know about them, what I like, by experimenting like that.”

But that didn’t mean he’d fallen in love with everyone that had taught him a thing or two.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

She was stiff, unwieldy under his hands as he reached for her hands and pulled them away from her arms. But though the tension was palpable in her, from the hunched shoulders to the slight tremble in her hands, she did not shy away from him. Red halfmoons were dug into her arms, stark against her pale skin. Only two had actually managed to puncture the skin, but didn't bleed enough to even mention.

At least she listened to what he said, though she couldn't seem to meet his gaze for very long.

"But... you would still sleep with him," she protested, albeit weaker than before. Her voice fainter, halfway convinced... though she was clearly still struggling with this. "You just said so! You wouldn't want it to stop. And... and how could you be okay with anyone touching me like that? How could I be yours, how could you be mine if you look at someone else like you look at me?"

Swallowing hard, she stared about the room, gaze erratic, her thoughts a tangled mess inside her head. How had they ended up like this? Why were they even having this conversation?

What... if she really had to let Nate bite her again? Or had to watch him do the same to Sunjata? "I... I don't know," she whined, expression anguished. Writhing in his grip, some half attempt at pulling away from him, though she was as undecided on this as on everything else. Wanted to be left alone, but also to be held firmly and shook until she knew what this fear was, where it came from.

"Why can't you be enough? Why do I have to know more... when you're perfect to me? Does - does not knowing everything about pleasure make me that boring?" Another fear, intrinsically tied to her relation with Sunjata. He just confessed to having been with any number of people. And she knew only him. How long before he got tired of her inexperience?

It still wasn't an answer to his question though, and Maea struggled to find some semblance of one. Bit her lip hard instead, now that she couldn't dig her nails into the arms. What if Sunjata got sick? What if he couldn't stop once the bite began? What if she didn't come with him and everything went wrong because she couldn't stomach seeing him do what was necessary?

What if... she stopped feeling fine? Loren didn't have any answers, his magic was just a band-aid. If push came to shove and she was downed again... would she risk dying out of sheer stubbornness? Would she cause Sunjata that kind of pain?

Well. The answer to that was at least clear. No, she would not.

"If... No, I wouldn't want to. But if there was no other way... then.. I'd.. want you there... too." A very sluggish, extremely reluctant admission. That perhaps he had a point. But Maea couldn't see a scenario where she would be that sick, or he that downed by something that she would ever actually agree to it, and it was written plain on her face, her chin set in a stubborn expression as she finally met his gaze, and held it.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She doesn’t pull away from him, but it’s clear how stiff she is, how upset she is, and he lifts her hands up her arms to rub at the red marks she’s left behind, hoping that perhaps instead of marring her pale skin that she would have marred his instead. But she listens, and he gives her his full attention as he often did, hearing her mention that he would sleep with him, and it takes all the power he can muster to not smile at that.

“For the night, to ensure you were okay? I’m fine with that.” A rise and fall of his shoulders. “That doesn’t mean it would be a recurring thing.” His voice is lower here, a hint of honesty hidden beneath it. “You’d still be mine, because you’d come home to me. You would still choose me.” He says softly with a small shrug. “Besides, maybe I’d learn another trick you like.” A thoughtful raise of his brow as he feels the conversation shift, her uncertainty bubbling up in the air.

But then she whines, writhes in his grip, and he holds her a bit more firmly — gaze focusing on her intently. She’s jealous, afraid of losing him as Phoebe had, and he doesn’t know how to assure her that love was different than lust. But then she asks him why he can’t be enough, and he doesn’t really know how to answer that either. So he exhales long and slow, feathers along his shoulders filling out his tattoos ruffling with the same gesture. “You’re not boring to me. But I want to try and be sure I’m not boring for you.” A quick explanation. “Because it will get boring if it’s the same thing over and over again as most things do. It becomes routine.” A slight frown crosses his face.

But she agrees and that look she gives him is stubborn, and he meets her gaze with his own steel. “I just want to be sure you know that lust and love are different. Because if, or when, it happens that’s all it is. I’ll never love him, but we shared those moments together, and you did too when you asked him to bite you again. I did the same. But you don’t love him, do you?” And it had ruined his marriage, had laid the cards out to where he could be here now, because he had begged for that second bite.

“Can we agree to it then, that if it happens we’ll both be there?” A tilt of his head, not backing down. “And if you… Didn’t want to stop…” He says slowly, watching her face as his own flushes a small amount with the thought. “Would it be so bad to have me and someone else pleasure you?” A quiet question, to show her how his jealousy worked. In an instance like that, where he was there, he doubts he’d be as jealous as he would be chomping at the bit.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

It was not the hard, clear cut lines Maea wanted. She felt like screaming and running, holding her hands over the ears and not listen, like a child. Just like when Amun challenged her on The Voice, on the Ascended, on her other fears and insecurities. Sunjata held her in a firm grip and did not let go, as challenging about this as her pretend-brother usually was, and just like before... her arguments did not hold up. Oh, she didn't like it, but couldn't find words for what it was that felt so wrong either.

And without logic to back her up, without reason to fall back on... then she had nothing. Nothing but the fear and the hollow unease in her gut that whispered that this was something to run from, to avoid, a slippery slope that would send her sliding off to places unknown. More change, and not one she had invited.

"I... No. Of course I don't," she half whispered, gaze lowering. Again, reluctant, but she couldn't deny that what he said was true. Maea had asked for more... even with Sunjata there in the room. She'd had feelings for him already at that point, and yet... "It's just..."

She wasn't quite ready to make that agreement. Wanted to make peace, to make things alright, but Maea felt overrun, like she was about to agree to something she wasn't actually willing to live with. Looking up at Sunjata, she searched his face. Knew there were questions he hadn't answered, issues he wasn't facing. And the question he asked her, if it would be so bad to be touched by him and another... it made her face burn just to think about, her feelings very unclear.

"I... I-I don't... You wouldn't let him bite any other time?" she asked, stubbornly refusing to let the most pressing of her concerns drop. Used it to buy herself time. "You'd make it clear to him it wouldn't be okay? " For any of them, him or her. Off limits, except for emergencies.

She was trying to compromise. Trying so hard, when she really just wanted to say flatly no to all of this and try to pretend the conversation never happened.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She trails off in her uncertainty, and he hums a small sound as he tries to rub her shoulders a bit, smiling internally against the way she blushes and shifts with those hard type of questions. But his hand raises to her cheek, her red and burning cheeks, to rub his thumb along it gently. “I wouldn’t let him bite me.” He tells her quietly, honestly. Because he hadn’t, hadn’t even thought about seeking anything or anyone else out since they’d been together.

“And I’ll make sure he knows it’s not okay. Alright?” He tries to tuck her hair behind her ear, tries to pull her in for a hug, his heart thundering in his chest with how this night could have gone. And then, after a few moments, he releases her.

“Let‘s see what other things this place has to offer us, hm? There was a place in the kitchen that seemed interesting.” A softer smile, a distraction. And he shifts in his stance a small amount before he steps back and away from her, toward the stairs and the kitchen where an interesting door had captured his attention.

Once there, he pulls the board away from it — opening it up to feel a slight draft, a decline within it, but he can spot the shiniest of things near the bottom, and there’s a surprising amount of them. He realizes soon that they’re a variety of wines, having sat here for gods knew how long. And he grabs two of them to return to the kitchen — setting them both on a countertop there. He fiddles with a bottle to open it, gaze lingering on the bottle once he has, lifting it to his nose to sniff it.

It smells pretty good, to be honest. “Here, try this one.” And he sets it on the table for her — knowing he needs it, hoping she joins in to loosen up.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

He sounded so calm and reassuring, like he was somehow telling her that thunder wouldn't actually be able to hurt, that the house was not about to fall off the cliffs. And yet, that's how it felt. Like some storm had swept down over them both and rocked the foundation for everything. Sunjata's hand reached for her cheek, to touch the blush, his fingers offering the same warm, calloused comfort as ever before. How strange, that it still soothed her to feel his touch on her skin. Maea thought she ought to somehow have shied from him after all these words, the revelations, the honesty bordering on idiocy - there was such a thing as too much truth - and yet...

And yet. She still let him pull her in for a hug. Returned it too, with arms that felt a little numb. Blinking against the light streaming in from the window, it felt odd that the sun was still shining outside. It was still daytime, still bright.

"Alright," Maea sighed, weakly. "If that's the case, then... okay. If both are... and only if both are there!" Her arms tightened around his waist, a quiver passing through her body  - still so tense - as if to say anything else would be considered treason of the worst kind.

But perhaps he already knew that.

Sunjata said something about continuing to explore, and Maea nodded, a little numb. As he headed for the stairs, she lingered enough to clean herself up and get the dress properly back on. Take a moment to breathe too... She felt for the bond to Shii, but found it quiet and still; unusually so. Frowning, Maea went downstairs, keeping an eye out for the will-o-wisp's telltale glow... but didn't see it on the way into the kitchen.

Sunjata's find made her eyebrows rise up. "Is it really sound to drink?" she wondered, and came over, raising the bottle to her nose. "I wonder where these people went, to leave everything behind like this..." No sign of bodies yet, no violence or disease... It was like they'd gone off on a trip and never returned. They would have to check the other houses eventually. Make sure it wasn't some pirate den..  

The wine smelled surprisingly good. Fruity but not too sweet, like flowers and wild berries but with something stable and robust in the backdrop she couldn't identify. She looked around for glasses, but found none... with a shrug Maea raised the bottle to her lips and took a swig.

"It's... good," she said, still quiet. "Did you see Shii, coming down?"

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She wraps her arms around him too, quivering lightly as she adds the assurance that it only could occur while both were there, and he nods to that, rubbing her spine with a quiet agreement. “Yes.” He agrees, letting her go to explore further, hoping to loosen the tension that has already wrought the entire house.

But he hasn’t seen Shii either, and Haai has curled up in the other room along a dusty chair with her tail idly swinging above the ground while he seeks the alcohol and brings it up. He opens the one, handing it to her, watching her question whether it was food. “Should be. Typically the older the wine the better it is.” He offers her a small smile before he opens his bottle too.

And his tastes a bit more robust, a bit sweet and almost with hints of coconuts and fruits. He sniffs it while he considers her question. “Maybe they were sailors?” Who didn’t come back? It was hard to tell. Her next question has him pausing after a deep swig of the bottle, brushing off the table in the kitchen to remove the dust from it as he considers it. “I haven’t… No.” He says, turning to her with a small frown.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Maybe sailors, maybe merchants. Maybe ordinary people, or thieves. She looked around the kitchen, but it held no answers. Just a dusty silence, sleepy and forlorn. What would it take to bring it back to life? Wake it up, make it feel homey again? Could she live with the mystery of not knowing?

"Perhaps they were, at that."

Maea rubbed her face with a hand, sighing. Couldn't manage any smiles just yet. "I felt it tug on the bond, before. But we were... busy, and I didn't have time... Now Shii won't answer." Her gaze grew distant as she tried to follow the faint awareness of something else pressing against her mind, but it was too muffled.

Shaking her head, Maea took another swallow from the flask. It was so light a flavor, she couldn't tell how strong the wine really was.

Finding a chair, she brushed dust and cobwebs from it and sank down with a sigh, leaning her elbows on the table. Feeling bone weary,

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Sunjata was used to taking spaces of people who were no longer there, harbored no guilt for repurposing things that had been long forgotten, drifting away. Much like this house was, far too overgrown to have the sailors simply gone for a trip or two — at this point it must have been decades. Still, he continues to sip from the bottle, letting the buzz of the alcohol wash over him as he focuses on her question about Shii.

“Perhaps it’s holding a grudge? Or wandered too far that you can’t feel it anymore?” He asks quietly, trying not to inspire yet another argument between them. “Haai wanders out of range quite often but she always finds her way back.” He tries to offer comfort there — but at the mention of her name the griffin stands from her perch in the other room to go and try to find the will-o-wisp.

Maea finds a chair, however, and Sunjata shifts to lean against the table as she rests her arms on top of it, and he can tell how tired she is — a light frown crossing his face to that. “I can clean up the upstairs if you need to rest a bit?” His gaze flickers along her arms, the red marks there that she’d given herself, the brief argument of upstairs still echoing within his mind. He takes another long swig from his bottle before setting it on the table and leans back to close his eyes, feeling the lightness settle its way through him. The wine is pretty strong, and he hadn’t had a drink in what felt like forever.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Maea nodded slowly, taking his suggestions into account. The bond was so fresh, she didn't know much about either the wisp or how to handle the connection yet. "It felt jealous, first... then... almost upset? But... I shoved it away. Pushed it off... How does Haai handle it when you...?" She made a vague gesture and blushed, still shying away from certain terms. Finding it hard to talk about the things she so happily engaged in with him.

Her insides started to feel warm. The buzz of alcohol was slow and light in her veins, settling in slow enough that the girl barely noticed. But when Sunjata offered to fix a place to rest, she shook her head. Rubbed the red marks on her arm, wincing a little. "I'm fine. Just need to sit for a while. But... thank you."

She felt so tentative. Like they were cats tiptoeing around each other, desperately trying not to make sudden movements to set each other off again. Like there were still things left unsaid, hovering between them.