the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Somehow, the question isn’t at all what he wants to answer. Mostly because of the conversation they just had. So he watches her for a brief moment as she gestures and walks around the direct term, and he focuses on the bottle on the table as he thinks of how to answer it. “Well, I found her when Lusea was still alive. Haai just sort of knew that she’d been there first and she’d have to get used to it.” A rise and fall of his shoulders before he looks to his feet. “That and when I told her that Haai bit me when she hatched, Lusea laughed and said I likely deserved it which made her okay in Haai’s book. She thought the same.” There’s a ghost of a smile that crosses his face before it fades.

“After that though, she usually stayed out of range until the beach and you.” His gaze lifts to hers then, taking another sip from the bottle and setting it down, scanning her and asking if he should clean up the room and get a space for her to sleep. She says no, and his fingers tap along the bottle as he looks back down.

“Alright.” He’s not sure if he wants to bring it up again, but the tension is killing him between them — not sure if it’s the alcohol or because it’s something that had rarely occurred between them as of late. And so he works his jaw, gnawing on the inside of his cheek as he glances around the kitchen, focusing on the cabinets and cupboards that need cleaning up and fixing.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Maea nodded absently, her fingers tracing the neck of the bottle as he spoke. Dutifully replying to her question, though he didn't look at her... looking as uncomfortable as she felt. It wasn't a helpful answer either, really.

This... was not their first ever argument. There had been a few. At the river. During bow practice, at some point in the bar, though Maea wasn't sure she would even call that an argument... they'd been too calm and collected. Then there was the awful exchange in the hut, when he'd snapped at her. But this... was somehow different. Because it was the first time she'd sensed the foundation of their relation begin to sway. A first true test, so to speak... and Maea wasn't sure how they'd handled it. Sure, they were still together, no one had run off and there was hardly any yelling and certainly no physical fighting.

But the tension remained. How did you get rid of that? There was the matter of Shii weighing on her mind too, distracting... Maea felt guilty over the way she'd shoved the little wisp aside, completely ignoring its anguish at the way her emotions had swelled and surged. Poor thing... couldn't be easy.

Maea reached for the bottle again. Took a long, deep pull from it, hating the silence. Should she have let him fix something up for her, after all? Just to let him do something, give them both space, room to think and breathe..? Too late now. Changing her mind at this point would only make her needy. Fickle. A pain in the ass.

Still, the silence was killing her. She drew in a breath.

"Trade a thought for a thought?"

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

As he should have suspected, the answer wasn’t entirely a comforting one – especially based off of what they were already talking about, what the argument had stemmed from. But she doesn’t comment on it, doesn’t mention that it makes sense, that the wisp likely didn’t want to be surrounded by the feelings that surged and pulsed, the imagery sent either by accident or on purpose. So when she reaches for the bottle again and silence overcomes them, he continues to gnaw on the inside of his cheek, focusing on the kitchen and what could be repaired, what needed to be tossed out.

His fingers drum against the bottle as well, stilling when she asks a question he’s not sure he wants to answer. A thought for a thought. Currently, all of his thoughts are things he knows she won’t like, so he draws in a deep breath and finally lets his steel gaze land on her – stormy and quiet, calm if not a bit reserved, unsure. Not knowing what to do, what to say.

“Sure.” He says softly at first, breaking his gaze away from her again to look around the room as the alcohol swims in his stomach – when was the last time he ate? Of course this is an air of bad news, already buzzed and the tension in the room almost palpable. He purses his lips briefly as his brows furrow and he stares at a particularly leaning cupboard door, his free hand reaching up to rub against his neck where Ascended bite scars had once been and healed with Nate’s metal device into disappearance. “Maybe you should go first.” Because gods knew he wasn’t trying to fuck it up more, and his thoughts were too jumbled, wanting to swallow each and every one of them down.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Another swig of the flask, of the wine, its taste drowning out the lingering flavors of him from her tongue. Maea couldn't say if she was trying to wash him away, or the ashen sensation her anger and despair had brought on. At least he agreed to play... and with the alcohol humming in her veins, talking was not as difficult as she had feared.

"I'm thinking, that as far as arguments go... that one wasn't so bad," she mused quietly. Not quite looking at him, but not exactly keeping away either. Just... neutral. "I'm thinking that, I wish Shii had found someone better to bond with. And I'm thinking that I've no idea what I'm doing. With anything. Haven't known for a loooong time."

Honest words. Too much so? It was hard to tell anymore. It seemed to Maea that truth could be a blade too, wielded to hurt just as much as any lie.

"Your turn. That's... three thoughts."

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Surprisingly, there’s a ghost of a smile that crosses his face as she gives him her thoughts on the argument. A dip of his head in quiet agreement, listening as she continues on and on, the words dripping with honesty that he’s not sure he’s heard from her before. And yet he still listens, watches her with some keen sense of familiarity with what she tells him. His fingers drum along the bottle a bit more, listening as she tells him that it was three thoughts, and he internally braces against the thoughts vibrating in his mind.

“I’m thinking that I held that leash of my father in me pretty well during that.” He says, looking back to the cupboard and away from her. “I think that I never planned on living past seventeen so I never really made a plan for my life or something to strive for so I’m pretty much just going day by day.” He pauses to take another sip of the wine, shifting to brush some of the dust and dirt away from the table to sit up on top of the wood, drawing a leg up to rest his arm on with the bottle within his hand.

“And I think that’s why I try to dive into dangerous things all the time. Just to… Feel something else other than feeling pointless.” His gaze flits back to her, some hidden deep shadows of honesty lingering within that darken his gaze. “For the record, though, I think that nobody really knows what they’re doing.”

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

"You did," she agreed softly. Glanced at him, and thought he looked rather proud of himself. For all that she'd said she would prefer for him to let it loose... Maea was glad he hadn't. Perhaps the suggestion that she was ready to face it had helped? At the very least, she thought it might have saved them this time. If he hadn't listened to her, been able to acknowledge that she was more scared than angry... They might not be sitting here now. Trying.

He perched on the table. It must be a sturdy one, to bear his weight after so many years of neglect. Definitely a keeper, she thought, absently, not sure if she meant the man or the furniture. Perhaps both.

"I'm so used to not feeling anything that, now that I do? I get drunk on everything," Maea reflected. Her face was heating, color flushing from her cheeks and down the neck, the warmth from the wine making her head buzz plesantly. It certainly loosened her tongue; she took another swallow and put her head down on her outstretched arms. Staring at a ray of light cast in through an overgrown window. "Before I met you, before I met any outlanders, I was so numb. Woke up, ate, worked until my bones ached, then slept. Got sick, laid in bed and stared into the wall, waiting for it to pass... then up again, to work. There was nothing else. No hope, nothing to dream about. I went to the shrines every day, praying for a sign that there was more to life than waiting for it to end, but... it never came. Not to me, anyway.

"Then the Spark Bird landed on the perch, for the first time in living memory, and it just... it felt like I'd walked into a dream. I... still wait for it to end. I keep thinking, that I'm gonna have to wake up soon. That nothing as colorful as this, nothing as vibrant, can be real."  

And now? A dream within a dream. There was a man sitting on the table beside her, claiming he wanted to build this house for them both to live in. Claiming he loved her, that she was all he ever needed. But how could that be real? How could any of it be?

"I'm thinking... that I'm waiting for the cost of all this to come calling," she almost whispered, some deep dread half choking her voice. Reaching out, she touched his arm. Just to make sure he wasn't actually an illusion. "If seeing the Spark Bird and allowing myself to dream cost me my family... if daring to see the outside world cost me a year of my life spent in limbo... what is this going to cost me? There's always a price to pay, for everything. If I'm this happy now... how bad will it be when the next thing breaks?"

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

If he had let himself go, it’s likely they wouldn’t be where they are right now. And while she had suggested to him to give into it, to give her his all when he gets into a mood like that — it’s not something he wants to. He doesn’t want to be that way, doesn’t want to give into the stone charade of his father, marble unable to be chipped away.

Her comment of getting drunk on everything still manages a brief smile. “Exactly why I went all out for the VlamVloed.” It was different, sure, but freedom to make his own choices were inherently part of who he was once he’d been granted a chance to make them. But there were times where he’d revert, back into that boy that did whatever his father needed him to, perhaps to take the easiest way out. It was hard to tell.

But he lets her explain, to talk it over and out. The idea that it was a dream, one she’d have to wake up from at some point that has him frowning lightly when he looks back to her, unable to help — unsure of where to begin. He had thought that arriving here had been a dream too — a shift to something better and not always needing to be on the run. Here? He’d been here a year now. He hasn’t woken up.

“What makes you think it’s too good to be true?” He asks, gaze flitting about her face. “Did you… Ever have anyone give you interest like I did?” He asks suddenly after. Because he supposed she could have gotten drunk on that feeling too — while Sunjata had been a man pined after again and again.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Tilting her head to look up at him, she dragged her teeth over the bottom lip, a thoughtful gesture that came out far more sensual than she was even aware of. The tension in her body was easing off, stolen away by the warmth of the alcohol, for all that the wariness of the mind remained. Sighing, she shook her head without lifting it from her arms.

"Because nothing good ever happens to me," she replied, not self-pitying but with a stark realism to her voice that somehow made it sound all the more painful. "My mother died giving birth to me. I was born Abandoned. My best friend hated me for spending more time with her mother than she did, and her best friend did everything to make sure I never felt welcome. I watched them get everything I wanted while I got nothing.

"The one boy I ever took interest in led me to be ambushed by his group of friends, so they could push me around, grope at my breasts and threaten to tell my father what a sinful little whore I was, if I did not lift my skirts for them. I've been sick for the better part of my life, worked myself to the bone to please everyone around me and got nothing in return, and though I prayed to the gods all my life, not one of them answered. I've lived my life up until now with no hopes, no dreams, no chance for any kind of future beyond the constant toil to get food on the table and keep monsters out of the door... and now all that is suddenly exchanged for this? You, the Guild, this house, all these people who claim to want to be my friends... how can any of it be real?

"I don't get lucky, Sunjata... it just doesn't happen. Either this is a beautiful dream, or it's a cruel joke, or there will be a steep price to pay... and either way, I'm desperate to hold on to what few scraps of happiness I have while it lasts." Maea's voice was soft, almost gentle, and her fingers reached over to brush down his arm again. A little touchy, a lot needy for confirmation, for something to anchor her into this turbulent period in her life, where both she and the world around was undergoing explosive change.

"Mmmh, but no... Aside from those charming boys, no one showed me any interest before you. Just pointed and stared and the freak. The neighbor kids used to call me 'turnip', 'mooney'... among other things." She grimaced, half amused by the lack of imagination to the insults... though it had hurt at the time. Then she recalled something, and sat up a little. "Oh, there was one time... Hotaru did. She sat at my table at the bar one time, and she kept flirting with me. Said she wanted to sketch me, of all things." Maea blushed at the memory, grinning embarrassedly at the forward comments. "But... I don't know. She's very pretty, but I'd already met you at that point... I wasn't very interested. Not with Saiden either."

Gods, she was talking a lot. It was like some latch had come undone in her, and words kept tumbling out. It made her thirsty, tongue dry and throat sore; Maea picked up the bottle of wine again and drank, a little surprised to see that it was half empty already.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

She's chatty now, loosening up, and he watches her for a few moments as she bites onto her lip, and he focuses on the story that happens after. A bit more details, and he finds himself focusing back on anything but her. Because he can relate to it, to an extent. The normal droning on and on, the nobody. But it had changed for him when he’d won his trial, and suddenly his face was everywhere — people seeking him out, wanting to be him, when he didn’t even want to be himself.

So when she grows somewhat quiet again, he opens his mouth to speak. “That’s exactly the reason I didn’t want to get attached to you.” He murmurs somewhat, shaking his head with a huff of a sound that’s something between disbelief and amusement. “The things I love get taken away. So.” He trails off again, waving the hand a small amount that holds the bottle.

But then she sits up and mentions Hotaru and his gaze snaps to her, alcohol swimming in his mind and thoughts and he laughs, a half hidden smirk crossing his face. “Of course she did.” He hums, teeth finding their way from chewing the inside of his cheek to rake along his bottom lip. “She’s part of my guild still… I think. I haven’t talked to her since after the wedding was over.” But they had left on good terms, hadn’t they? It was likely possible Hotaru didn’t even know about Maea and him, and if the Valkyrie did... Well, they’d come to that when they did.

But then he focuses on the comment Maea says of her being pretty, and he snorts to that nodding his head along. “She is, yeah. But fangs hide beneath that pretty façade.” He shrugs his shoulders in response before a thought occurs to him that he doesn’t have the mind to stop before it slips out. “She actually electrocuted me once… I think.” A small hint of amusement to that before he shakes his head again.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

If he expected Maea to be upset about the mention of Hotaru doing anything to him, she would have to disappoint. She actually laughed. A little wicked, and only sort of commisserating. "She shot me in the chest with electrified needles during magic training," she told him, sniggering. A little proud, like it was something to brag about. "Granted, I did try to put ice needles in her face first, so it was fair."

Sitting on the chair when Sunjata was on the table felt very unfair. With the bottly clutched firmly in one hand, Maea pushed herself up from her chair - rather unsteadily, to her surprise - and climbed from the floor to the chair, then from the chair and up onto the table. Once there, standing upright on the table top, she walked around Sunjata until she could ease herself down into his lap, casually forcing him to change whatever position he was in to accommodate her.

"Do you regret it?" she asked, pouting a little while draping her arms around his neck. "Getting close to me? Falling in love?" Her breath was tinged sweet with the wine, cheeks rosy and flushed; the dress was still partly undone at the neck, showing off rather a lot more clevage than normal.

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

Her laughter actually surprises him, and he raises his brow to her as she begins to explain what happened between them. A snort crosses his face, lifting the bottle to his lips. “I think that’s worse than where she got me, and I was chained down.” He hums to her, a raise of his brow before he takes a sip of the bottle to stifle his loose lips. He sets it back along the table, focusing back on her as she stands, sluggish and incredibly drunk to settle in his lap.

He shifts his position enough to make room for her, letting her drape her shoulders over his neck as he scans her, his heart pulsing a steady rhythm that picks up when she asks her question. It’s far too serious of a question for the state of mind he’s in, and he looks down at her with hazy steel hues, head tilting somewhat avian-like as he considers where to start.

“Sometimes yeah.” He rumbles, arms finding their place around her back, flattening his palm along it in a star shape. His other reaches for her hair, to tuck along her ear. “But not because it’s you, but because I could do it after all the shut I went through. It’s like…” He trails off, breaking his scan of her to look back around the house. “I mean. Lusea died in early Flowerbirth, Hotaru and I were close for most of the season. I got married early Longheat to Phoebe who I told Hotaru I wouldn’t talk to... Then, the marriage lasted all of… What? And in all of that short span of time, I met you and broke at least two hearts.” So much had happened, his heart tugged and broken and shifting.

“Maybe I should ask you why you picked me?” He frowns then, lips far too loose for his liking but powerless to stop it.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

Some of that jealousy flashed through her eyes as he mentioned having been chained down at the time, when it became clear beyond a doubt what he and Hotaru must have been doing. This drunk, and with the row so close to both their minds, it was an easy subject to slip into, but it didn't mean Maea was any happier about it.

And then he rattled off the long list of fuckups that happened, and in her mind Maea filled in the shit that happened before Lusea even died. His relation with Phoebe after coming to Caido, Lusea showing up during Deepfrost, his cheating on her, the whole mess with Phoebe's unborn child... it was not a pretty picture.

"It's a mess," she agreed, too drunk to wrap her words in pretty silk and spoonfeed him what he might need to hear. "I didn't actually choose you, you know. You just fell into my life from nowhere. I got on fine, and then there you were, all smiles and hands and tattooed shoulders, and I couldn't get you out of my head." She leaned into the hand at her back, incredibly warm through the fabric of her dress, and nearly purred when he pushed her hair back. "Especially not when you do that... But then I realized, yannow? That even if it was a fucked up situation, and even if it hurt a lot, I was still happier when you were around, than when you were not. And that day... when we met here, at the lighthouse? I was so tired of being in pain without you, that I figured... might as well be in pain and at least see your face. Even if I had to fucking share you with the rest of the world."

Her lips trembled a little, and her eyes were angry and sad and terribly soft when they looked at him. "I don't really care if the world ends tomorrow. Or if I don't wake up. But if it means I get another night with you, another day... then I'll endure anything. As long as it's what you want. Because... I don't know why, but you've ended up being all I want. And - " she drew a breath, shuddering and deep, her gaze searching for his " - and if that makes me cruel, and greedy, and a naive idiot, then fine, I'll be all of that."

you should know, that i'm a ticking time bomb

and you're getting close

He listens to her agreements, smirking slightly when she mentions his shoulders, and he shrugs ever so slightly to that – said tattoo shoulders rising and falling in a small shrug. But the smirk fades when she continues, his hand stilling along her ear where he tucks her hair in behind it. She mentions the beach, here, the lighthouse, when she’d finally given in and it had taken him what felt like forever to get her there.

So he hums lightly, his gaze finding her own that grow angry and sad and soft, and he’s not exactly smiling when he says it but the alcohol has rampaged through his system and his thoughts are fuzzy and his mind a bit more open than usual. “You sort of have.” He half mumbles before she continues, and his eyes grow a bit softer, far more watchful as she tells him that he’s all she wants. He’s not sure if it helps or hurts more.

“What if there comes a day where I’m not?” A quiet question. “I ruin things, pretty frequently. What if one day it becomes too much and you just don’t find it appealing anymore?” His head cocks to the side, shifting his legs a small amount to better fit her in his lap. “Would you still want to work it out or cut it off before it gets worse?” His own gaze searches her own, the hand at her back drawing lazy lines along the skin through the fabric.

so better watch your step, because i'm about to blow

and where the pieces land i guess we'll never know

SuNJATA

Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away

He said she already had shared him the world, and it made Maea's eyes narrow. "I know," she replied, so sulkily and peeved that it was almost amusing. But then... her eyes glittered ever so slightly, and she turned, easing a leg around until she straddled him, and she raised her bottle to the lips and tilted her head back, throat bobbing as she took several deep gulps. Licking her lips, she set it aside, her fingers suddenly free to rake into his hair, nails a little rougher than they usually were... her motor control wasn't great at the moment. "But... lucky for me, I suppose. I get the best teacher..."

Maea leaned in, meaning to kiss him, but the question he asked was so serious, so soft and... almost vulnerable? So she halted, hummed a soft sigh, and settled for brushing her cheek against his instead. Shivering slightly at the way his hands traveled over her back.

"You know... how there are birds, who form pairs?" she said slowly, a bit clearer than before, if only just. "They find one mate, and they stick to them, forever. If one of them dies, the other never takes a new partner. It remains solitary, for the rest of its life."

She leaned back. Met his gaze, though she knew there was no real way to convey how deep her feelings for him ran. Not with just eyes alone. "I don't know if I'm like those birds. I don't know what will happen a year from now, or in ten years... or even tomorrow. All I can say is, that the way I feel now? I wouldn't want anyone else. I don't think I could leave you, even if I wanted to. If I think of it... there's this physical pain, like something in me is about to break. Is that love? Or obsession? Is it real, will it last, I don't know. But... I want it to be. I want this, I want you. Even if it's not what I chose, even if it'll hurt, or be rough... I would want to stay. Work things out. Try."

Trailing down from his hair, her knuckles stroked his cheek, soft and tender as if he might break if she put in too much pressure.

"What do you want, Sunjata?" The question was tentative, searching. "You're the one who's been hurt most, by everything. Time, gods, people, feelings... Are you sure this is what you want? That I'm really what you want?"

Maea made a slight gesture to the house around them, the dreams they could build together around it. "Maybe there is someone else out there, who could do better by you. Let you be free, the way you deserve to be. I... I get jealous. And possessive, and I might doubt you, if you stay out too long at night. Afraid that you'd choose to stay with someone else... Could you stand facing that, dealing with that?

"Or would you... prefer to walk away?"

The same question, reflected back. Both her hands were at his face now, his cheeks, stroking his skin with fingers that seemed luminous in the soft glow of sunlight sneaking in. It should be night, they should be wrapped in shadows and touched by moonlight for this, but... it was still daytime. Sunshine, blue skies and a salty breeze sighing through the trees outside.

But Maea only had eyes for him.