[RA] [SE] hearts held in hands

The easygoing factions ebbed and flowed, until they simply didn’t. He paused at the top of the stairs at her statement – brows furrowing immediately, spine straightening until he seemed every bit the taut, unyielding figure. And beneath it all was an obvious bout of apprehension and tension, the sort of trepidation that followed him everywhere he went – even if he never longed for it in the structure and bones of their own domicile.

Taking a long, slow, deep breath to rid himself of the initial misgivings, before his mind jumped to a mess and myriad of conclusions, each one more haunting and distinct, he nodded, taking the cue for the library. Trying not to pace the floor, he didn’t take a seat – keeping some matters at bay by action alone – going to one of the windows and placing the candle within. “What is it?”

deimos

Never let them drain the river of your soul

Lift off your arms and I'll get the coffee

It's not a smiling matter, though if she could manage one it would be wry and bittersweet anyway. "It's not bad - at least, I hope not," she clarifies, heart heavy to see him so tense when moments ago he'd been half-asleep and comfortable on their couch, their son on his chest and candles in the windows. But that's exactly why she wants to talk about this.

As she follows in his wake, she sits on the arm of one of the plush chairs - perches, really, given how her socked toes idly scuff at the rug underfoot. "I've been thinking a lot this year. About the boys, our family, our home..." the Evergreen glances around, expression warm and wistful. He's always understood her in the years they've been together, but he's not the only one stewing in worried what-ifs. "Since Erebos was born I've mostly been handling the paperwork and advising side of things for ruling. It's largely what I was doing anyway - we both have our strengths." It's not an appropriate time to wink or tease, but her dimples deepen like hints of what might otherwise have been. 

Sucking in a quick breath to steel herself, her eyes nevertheless drop down to her hands which have found their way to tangle atop her thighs. "I've been thinking that I...I think I want more time here with the boys. I know we accounted for me being on light duty for the first year with Erebos but -" her voice cracks, a flush of pink coming to her cheeks as her hands tighten, fingers wringing each other until her knuckles are snowy. "I think I want more kids. And I think - I think it would be a disservice to Halo to hold the title of Warden if I'm not planning on going from light duty back to what I used to do." Sure, another child might not have to be a tomorrow thing, but until Erebos is a little older...Evie bites her lip. "Even...even just until they're older?" Her voice is a timid murmur now, self-conscious. Amhran has the body of a man but his mind is still so young, and she's only had him in her life for the same amount of time as their newborn. Maybe when the maternal urge fades she'll feel more comfortable taking up the mantle in full again, but she'd never anticipated falling so fully into motherhood in the first place so she isn't sure when that will happen if it hasn't already. She hadn't expected motherhood to fulfill her in the way it did. 

Yet she's nevertheless scared to somehow disappoint or fail him; her husband who has always been the perfect protector of their land, the best co-ruler and partner she could have asked for. "I don't want it to change what I do or how I help. Maybe that means I'm your advisor, or general, or whatever you think is best. I just want more time to enjoy being a mom." Evie doesn't hold her breath but they still come shallowly as she stares unblinking at her hands, shoulders tense.

There's sleep in your eyes, I'll pull the curtains back gently

Evie

Deimos had learned to expect the absolute worst of most news. Death. Loss. Anguish. Heartbreak. It had come and gone so many times in his myriad of lives that to hear it’s not bad didn’t relieve the tension, just made his head bow as his eyes skimmed over candles, barely seeing it at all as his mind whirled to the thousands of possibilities rampaging through his skull. Flames flickered from his incantations, equally as inherent as the rest of his contortions, jaw clenching, before steeling another breath in between his rib cage and his lungs and wondering what was to come of the next alteration in life-

And her words weren’t expected ones.

But he listened, swallowing down the worst of his fears, ones he wouldn’t name, trying to ignore that dissonant haze threatening and crawling over spine, making an overbearing, overwhelming ridge through his shoulders. Because while they could, would, likely be content with more family members, with Evie spending more time at home, with whatever she deigned appropriate, the fact remained that he suddenly felt very alone, at the top of a precipice where he didn’t ever yearn to linger.

Even if it wasn’t true. Even if it wasn’t real. Some part of that held aloft on him, tightly, around his neck like a noose.

He leaned against the large window frame, threatening to sit on its sill, gaze going down to the wooden floor and the laden rug. It would be a boon to some matters, especially Amhran, Erebos, and any other plans for children that followed (and gods, even then there was more vivid trepidation; the same cycle as their son’s but now there was the Family and-)

“I think you need to do what is best for you.” Even if he could feel the walls of pressures mounting across his back again; growing roots there, notching and gnarling and knotting. Solemn and quiet, because he’d never force her into a role that she didn’t want, he tried swallowing down the multitudes. “And I am sorry if I pushed you into something -,” he sighed, trying to compound and form words through the hordes of complexities circumventing through his mind.

deimos

Never let them drain the river of your soul

Lift off your arms and I'll get the coffee

She stands immediately, head shaking to cut him off - though she doesn't know where to go now that she's on her feet. Isn't sure he wants her comfort when she's the one pulling back. And even if nothing changes - and that's her ultimate hope, to do all the same things with less hours in the office so to speak - she knows it won't feel that way. She knows there's no way to reassure him of that with words alone. Certainly not to him, not when he values proof more than words that have been broken too many times before. But that doesn't help in taking away the hurt in the here and now.

"I've never once regretted being Warden. With or without you," she declares as firmly as her voice can manage, expression firm and certain whether he meets her eyes or not. "I'm not - not leaving, or abandoning you. I'm still right here. I'll still be doing...well, everything I hope. Just with more time at home." Sighing, she drops her eyes and chews the inside of her cheek. "It doesn't feel right to me, to benefit from the power and title while having so much less contact with our people. And maybe that will change, maybe it won't. But I don't want it to be a bigger change than spending more time at home." It's not that her heart isn't in it, or that she's tired of leading. It's that her heart yearns to spend more time with her family than her people in these formative years for her children.

There's sleep in your eyes, I'll pull the curtains back gently

Evie

Rooted to the sill, hands clenching over wooden frames, he took more than a few breaths, trying to find equilibrium in a world that constantly seemed to pull the rug out from under him. Evie spending more time at home consequently might have meant he spent less; venturing further along extensions of being the only one carrying the Warden mantle, already sometimes burning himself at both ends, even when he tried desperately to claw away from it. All of these were rapid moving machinations in a mind so morphed, molded, and sculpted to being abandoned and flung aside, that even when the reassurance landed, it didn’t stick. Not unless there was action behind it. “Okay,” he uttered, uncertain what else to say or do. Acceptance, at the heart of it.

He wasn’t going to keep her in a role she didn’t want or didn’t crave or didn’t find fulfilling – would never force her into a means of might or politics or anything overbearing. And he’d take the role again and heave the burden across his shoulders and tie it to his soul until it buried him.

deimos

Never let them drain the river of your soul

Lift off your arms and I'll get the coffee

Evie falls quiet in the wake of his strained acceptance. What more is there to say? All she can hope to do is prove to him that things won't change for the worse. That can only be done through time. Still, it isn't easy to see him so burdened and distraught by the airing of her desires.

With nothing more to offer, she crosses the space between them despite how it feels like walking through quicksand. She won't make it seem like his emotions - for better or worse - could ever stand to scare her away. Gently touching his back, she presses a lingering kiss to his shoulder and does not try to explain anything more. Simply lingers in the painful silence. It doesn't lessen the hurt and the uncertainty of the future, but she'll face it beside him until the moment he asks for something different. 

- Fin

There's sleep in your eyes, I'll pull the curtains back gently

Evie