picnicking you

Gods, she really knew how to ruin things. It was only their first date and already she’d managed to make Zavien uncomfortable with talks of death. It was a subject that she could easily imagine haunted him, and yet here she was, blabbering on and on. He was gracious enough to try and soothe her worries, but still Soh watched him, unsure what to say or do. It occurred to her that while she knew Zavien fairly well from the friendship that had blossomed between them, she didn’t know him well enough to gauge this reaction, to know how to fix what she’d unwittingly broken.

”You make it easy,” she said finally. ”I want to tell you things. I just… don’t want to make you uncomfortable. We were having such a good time -” Swallowing hard, she looked away, frowning down at the cat that had fallen asleep, looking like a little charred loaf between them. ”I don’t want to mess things up,” she added quietly, her voice small and fragile. Gods knew she had plenty of experience doing just that; sometimes she wondered if she knew how to do anything but.

Sohalia

Zavien

His head shook as she spoke, refusing to let her think that she made him uncomfortable or that this was in any way her fault. Zavien was equally adept at ruining perfect moments, and if that was the case, he wouldn't have agreed to even try at making this work. They were having such a good time. He liked hanging out with her and flirting and listening to her share about herself. He just hadn't realized how much he'd left unresolved, or what kind of emotions he'd been ignoring that he had to face now. 

Looking to Soh, the smile he gave was sad and a bit rueful. "You didn't mess anything up. I did." He sighed, running a hand through his hair but not pulling away as he reluctantly admitted, "Apparently, I... still have some things to process about Lena's death and - " he could already feel how her name soured the already dark mood, his voice lowering as he continued, "I don't want to dump that on you." It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to Soh that he carried this guilt. It wasn't fair to Lena that she'd died. It wasn't fair that he was being torn between the past and the present. It wasn't fair and Zavien didn't know what to do about it. 

So he sat, staring at his hand like he was waiting for the answer to appear - or for Soh to realize the mistake she'd made in choosing this, choosing him.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

About to argue that Zavien had done nothing wrong - that Soh was the one who had brought up the uncomfortable topics of the day - she stopped at the mention of Lena's name, blinking stupidly over at Zavien. It wasn't that she was surprised; after all, she hadn't forgotten that her friend had died, and it had to have been more traumatic for him.

But, as the resident queen of unresolved trauma, one could argue that Soh was uniquely qualified to assist in this particular moment.

Shifting so that she could meet Zavien’s gaze more squarely, there was no hesitation as she vehemently said, ”First of all, you haven’t messed anything up.” She reached to take his hand, linking her fingers with his. ”Second of all, you’re allowed to take as much time as you need to process loss. There’s no timeline on grief. And, finally, you won’t ever be ‘dumping’ anything on me. I care about you. Even before yesterday, I would have been here for you, and that’s only more true now.”

Swallowing hard, Soh made sure to hold his gaze, insistent. ”You don’t have to talk to me, but you can. I’ll be here either way.”

Sohalia

Zavien

Zavien slowly lifted his eyes to her as she shifted, expecting that she'd want to look in his eyes when she broke the news. It would be gentler, kinder. Maybe the feelings were early enough to squash. Maybe he'd be able to forget how right everything had felt yesterday. Maybe he'd be able to move on one day. 

And yet she continued to slot herself perfectly into the holes in his heart. 

Her hand reached for his, lifting it so easily despite how heavy he felt. Their fingers interlaced. It was the simplest of gestures - the tamest display - but it had his breath hitching, emotion cracking from his chest and moisture gathering in his eyes. The bond of their hands wouldn't be easily broken, the warmth and support refusing to be ignored. He felt every word she said like a thread binding them tighter, refusing to let go, refusing to give up. 

So much relief washed over him that his head fell forward, shoulders curving in as he released some of his worries and fears. When his eyes met hers again, they were glassy with emotion, more grateful than she may ever realize for giving him permission to feel without stressing over the possibility of losing her so soon. "Thank you," he whispered, squeezing her hand as he let out another deep breath. "I want to tell you everything one day."

It didn't change the guilt he felt over Lena or how it impacted them now, but there would be time to work through that. Until then, it was enough to know that he wouldn't mess this up, and that Soh wouldn't be easily cowed by the darkness that sometimes overwhelmed him. Holding her hand, for now, he let himself believe that, willing the happiness to overshadow anything that might threaten it.

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.

There were very few things that Soh felt certain about in life, these days, but Zavien had been a constant for some time now. Maybe it had taken her until yesterday to realize that she cared for him in a different way, but that didn't change the foundation of friendship that this new relationship was being built upon. Maybe that was why she felt so fiercely that this revelation of his - that his lingering grief - would not break them. Instead, she pushed aside any discomfort or guilt of her own (after all, Lena had been her friend, and this was quite soon to be pursuing her boyfriend) to support him through this moment, just as he had supported her during hers.

She held his hand firmly, hoping that it was reassuring, and when Zavien finally looked up to meet her eyes, the emotion that she saw there was enough to tell her that it was. She didn't kid herself: this wasn't a wound that would scar over in a day. There was work to be done, for both of them, both individually and together, to get through past traumas. But if he took anything away from their date today, she wanted it to be that she was here. She was dedicated, and she was loyal, and she fully intended to be his for as long as he'd have her.

"One day," she agreed softly. She wouldn't push him. There were some things that she wasn't quite ready to talk about either, after all, and she would place her trust in him that one day, he would indeed open up to her - just as she hoped she would to him.

There were a few moments where the only sound was the gust of the breeze and the purr of the cat. Soh kept her hold on Zavien's hand, gently stroking her thumb along his skin. It wasn't much, but she wholeheartedly hoped that it was enough to just be here, to be present, to be understanding.

Sohalia

Zavien

Grateful that she didn't push or appear dejected when he failed to offer more right now, Zavien was content to let the anxieties fade into the soft touch of her hand. He sat, running his thumb along the back of her hand as he silenced his mind. The emptiness left behind was filled with the soft gold of her hair, the warmth of their interlocked fingers, the purring cat between them, the gentle mist lifting from the Barrows, the beat of his heart finding a new rhythm. 

They stayed for a while, just enjoying each other's company in the quiet reprieve from the temperamental weather. Away from everyone and everything, they did their best to live in the hypothetical Soh had painted earlier that day: 'If we ignore the rest of the world… what would you want?' 

He wanted to enjoy this peace with Soh for as long as he could. The problems of the world could wait.

[FIN]

I love you with everything I am,
everything I've been,
and everything I hope to be.