Try to Explain Myself

Dear Amalia,

If you're actually reading these words, I assume you haven't ripped this letter up as soon as it arrived, so thank you for that. I hope you might give me a chance to lay out my thoughts and explain it all, without the immediate emotions and anger of talking face to face. I have not written to Evie; I feel like I have more chance with you emphasising with me once I have explained it all.

Yes, I did vote against the Ascended fighting the Longnight monsters this year. Please, for just a moment, try to put aside your anger and consider the choice I had before me. You and I have both grown up through violent Longnights and I am well aware of the deaths caused by the monsters, of course I am. Though some years we have been lucky and perhaps only had one fatality; each is a tragedy, but I was seeing that in comparison to potentially the deaths of the majority of the Ascended, who yes, are in a sense my family.

You say you would have helped and I am glad to hear that, but we had no guarantees of that at the time. From what I had heard from the Voice, it seems this is a task we will have to take on, for the most part, alone. I voted the way I did to minimise deaths; not to kill any particular people or to defend myself: this may be hard to believe, but I am actually one of the more capable Ascended; I believe I would survive the fight and I am not scared for myself. I can just see what is real, and a lot of our family are very weak or new to Caido.

Also...I did not expect my one vote to go against everyone else and win. I am not sure why there was an insistence on us all voting the same, as I would have fought with the majority if they had been allowed to win.

Anyway, I know it's unlikely you will forgive me for this decision, but I have something to tell you that I hope may improve the situation a little, even with the tragedies that occurred: I believe there will be another meeting shortly, and this time I will be voting to fight. While I still hold the same concerns as before, we will, by this Longnight, have had more time to strengthen and rally ourselves and gather supplies for the fight and after Rexanna's death, I have been reminded just how urgent this cause is.

You are my sister, Amalia, and it pains me to know you are so angry and upset with me. I am sure my decision to return to the Voice is a part of it and I must admit that one is rife with cowardice: I did not want to slowly die over the next year, losing control of myself until I was gone. I hope you can understand that.

If this letter has improved anything between us, I do hope you will write back.

Sam,

You already explained the reasons for your choice. While I understand wanting to protect your people, I still cannot condone the decisions you made, or the price it cost. You decided that the lives of innocents without a choice were worth more than a risk to yourself and your family, and I watched the people you condemned die.

You said you thought I would rather have a dead brother than an Ascended one, and yet I have gone out of my way to help you, to try and build a relationship despite your race. Even before you began to doubt the Voice.

And when you left the Voice I was there for you, yet you couldn't even find the courtesy to tell me you were returning to her. You betrayed me without a second thought, just like you betrayed our people. Because you were afraid.

So no, Sam. I do not wish for a brother who is dead. I wish for a brother who has conviction, who stands by his decisions. Who put others ahead of himself. Who is loyal, and brave.

But that has never been you, has it?