Let's turn the page, rewrite the lines tonight

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Taking a mouthful of scalding hot tea to savor the pleasant heat, Maea turned her gaze back to the fire. Relaxing back into a more comfortable seat, she reclined against the same fallen log as before and stretched her legs out. The night was growing chill as the days warmth leached into the stars, and the was grateful for the fire, and for the company.

"Do you consider yourself a devout person?" Maea asked, countering the question with one of her own. "My father was. I was raised to honor the old gods, to revere the Heralds and strive to earn forgiveness for the transgressions of the Voice. As I was Abandoned, the latter was especially engrained into me. And during the few interactions I had with her, I saw nothing that suggested he was wrong to think like he did."

By her third sip of tea the flavor was starting to come through. Herbal scents rose to fill the air, bringing to mind longer days and shorter nights, and a time soon to come when all would be green again.
"When I accepted the Voice's bargain, I basically spat on everything I'd been taught. I, who'd been a staunch follower of Ludo and Mort, turned my back on the natural order for my own selfish desires - to be with a man who had already moved on and only resented me for dying. If that isn't shameful... then what is?" And if not shame, what was it that she had turned herself into? Something wretched and pathetic, not even worth pity.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys tilted her head to one side, confused by the shift in the conversation. Still, she listened in silence, taking in Maea’s words and meaning, sipping at her tea. It was cool enough now for the flavor to come through, and she enjoyed the herbal aroma as much as she did the taste.

”I don’t know,” she said at last. ”Does that make me selfish or shameful for seeking to reverse the natural order and get Sascha back?” It was said without venom - purely a question for consideration, and a voicing of her deepest fears about this whole ordeal. Maea, who knew what it was like to feel the void inside that a lost companion created, was perhaps one of the few who could understand the reasoning behind her question.

It was difficult - and Mort had warned her that it would be so - to think about whether this was the right path, or if she was embarking on a journey that, once completed, could not be reversed through any natural means. And while she knew what she wanted, she couldn’t be sure that Sascha wasn’t happier - and better off - roaming Mort’s halls.

ALYS GLASSE

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Even as she drew breath to answer, Maea thought she knew the answer to that question. But suddenly she was not so sure. It was, after all, Mort who offered Alys this quest. Why, if it was a perversion of nature, would the god of death do such a thing?

"I... Well." Bemused, she frowned at smoldering embers, searching for answers for herself with a yawning pit of uncertainty opened up inside. "No, of course not. But it's different this time, isn't it? Mort offered you this... you didn't break into his halls to steal Sasha back. That's... what the Voice did." Except... for a beloved companion, Maea thought it didn't sound like too big of a crime either.

Uneasy, the wondered if the Voice had seen them that way, as she whispered promises to souls not quite at peace. Or had it been a game of monopoly, where jail turned out to be a 'get rich quick' scheme if you just signed the dotted line and didn't read the fine print too closely. She didn't really know, And it didn't matter, except... except it did. Because if she was allowed, if she could step before Mort without the need to offer to return right that instant... what did that mean?

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys hadn’t meant to send Maea spiraling, but it seemed that that was just what she had done. A gaping pit yawned where the Ancient had been so sure only moments before, and Alys could feel her unease creeping in like a plague. Listening to her explain why it was so different for Alys, the seer couldn’t help but disagree. Perhaps things had been different with the Voice - she didn’t know enough about that particular conflict to have an opinion either way - but the second time Maea had died, when Ronin brought her back? Alys wasn’t sure she saw the difference between that and what she wanted to do.

”I don’t think Mort would wish to hold souls against their will,” she said thoughtfully. ”I think he would want any roaming his halls to be content. At peace. And why would the ability to bring the dead back to life exist, if it were such a crime?” She shook her head. ”All I’m saying is, I think it’s more complex than that.” And she thought Maea was being too hard on herself, but that didn’t feel like her place to say.

ALYS GLASSE

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

For once, Maea was left without a retort. In itself that was unusual, så her agile mind was very adept at finding fallacies and building logical air castles that seemed impenetrable at a glance. But here Alys had found a crack, an unexpected fault in the design that suddenly threatened the whole integrity of Maea's defenses.
In a way, there was strength to be found in being unwanted. It was the perfect excuse to act as she pleased, damned be the consequences. After all, an undead that died only restored order, right? If she passed doing something good, all would be for the best. But if she wasn't? If, in fact, all this time she'd not been cursed, or unlucky, or even shunned but simply alone, sad and afraid...?

Wasn't that just.. pathetic?
Would you say that to someone else?

Slowly burying her head in a hand, Maea pressed the butt of her thumb against the eyes until light flashed across the Inner vision. "I don't know..." Everything had seemed so simple. And suddenly her life, Alys quest, this conversation, was anything but.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys watched helplessly as her friend spiraled into darkness, drawing dangerously close to self-loathing with every passing minute. She hadn’t meant to give Maea an existential crisis, to make her question everything that she’d thought she’d known. But in seeking her own answers, she’d managed to stir up so many questions - many of which didn’t have an easy solution.

Even so, she felt like she was missing a piece of the puzzle. Even after hearing Maea’s story, she hadn’t expected this kind of response. If anything, Maea had been given a gift, hadn’t she, not once but twice. A second chance to make her life what she wished it to be. To find light and love and joy, all because someone had cared enough to keep her from descending into Mort’s halls permanently. Wasn’t that something to be celebrated?

Or maybe the trip back from death was simply so traumatic, so painful, that it was something to be mourned instead. Maea had been glad, mere moments ago, to have chosen to come back, but now she seemed anything but. Was this what Alys was proposing to put Sascha through? Was it worth it?

ALYS GLASSE

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Rebuked by the silence, Maea was slow to drag her attention back from the introspection, but did it anyway. With a guest by the fire and a friend hovering over a difficult decision, she shouldn't be falling apart all on her own.

"I don't know... what the right answer is," she reiterated, folding both hands around her mug like it was an anchor tying her to the present, "but... I stand by what I said. About my choices, and their results. Whether it's... right or not, allowed or not... I really - really did return. And the first time it was awful, but this time it hasn't been. Maybe... maybe it's not your decision to make, really? Perhaps it's a door you can open, or not; and for the one on the other side to decide whether to walk through, or not. At least... at least I can say, I am glad to have been given the option." It sounded very much like Maea was trying to convince herself of this, and perhaps she was. In the absence of hard rights or wrong,  belief really might be the only thing left to lean on.

Gods, but she was so scared of needing to forge her own truths. It seemed to require strength she wasn't sure she possessed. "I bet it's easier if you're not constantly overthinking things," she muttered, wrinkling her nose at her own bad habits. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me."

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys felt Maea’s indecision as keenly as if it was her own, and her heart went out to her friend, who was clearly struggling with more than Alys knew. She hadn’t mean to open this door for the Ancient, but now that she had, she wasn’t sure how to close it again. It made her question everything all over again - was she doing the right thing? Would Sascha wish to come back, and if she did, would she be traumatized by the choice? Would her little ursur be forever changed, and if so, would Alys’s selfishness be worth it?

Swallowing down her questions, though, she considered all that Maea had said. ”I’m sorry,” she said hesitantly. ”I didn’t mean to…” Mean to what? Make Maea question everything she’d thought? Make her doubt herself? ”I don’t know that it’s any of my business, but if you were brought back, for whatever reason, then surely it was for a purpose,” Alys said helplessly. ”It must not have been time for you to leave this world for the next. And for what it’s worth, I’m glad that you’re here.”

ALYS GLASSE

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Keenly aware of the anxiety she caused Alys, Maea made a concerted effort to pull herself together. Kind as it was, she did not subscribe to the idea that someone had any kind of grand purpose in mind for her. Maybe the Voice's reasons for resucitating the dead had come closest, though even then it wasn't as if she'd been 'chosen', she'd merely answered an offer like pulling a tag from a letter of request on a noticeboard. Ronin was kind, and a friend, and she was sure he'd brought her back from the kindness of his heart; and she was just as sure that he'd have hesitated if he'd known that generosity would cost him a daughter down the line.
Was Alys going to call back Sascha to meet a need? For the purpose of some grand calling? Or simply because she'd missed the ursur, and would not be apart from her if it could be helped? Maea knew which reason would comfort her most over time, and also knew that it didn't really matter in the end. With or without a purpose, it was still the connections you made that determined whether life turned out to be a blessing or a curse. 

Waving off the apology, Maea shook her head. "Not your fault. It isn't the first time I'm brooding over this, just the first I've seen actual proof I might be wrong." Her mouth quirked, ironic humor glinting in her eyes. "You'd think it would be a relief, right? To know you're probably not a walking heresy in need of redemption after all? It's just... the shock of needing to adjust my way of thinking. It kind of upends all my views on my place in the world." Just a bit of existential crisis on a tuesday night, no big deal.

"I'm glad to be here too. Give it a season or so, and when I've processed all of this, ask me again if I regret coming back to life. I'll wage you a meal that the answer will still be no."
What was there to lament? That she had caring friends? That she could breathe and think, with the freedom to make what she willed of this extension to her existence? The simple luxury of agonizing over her place in the grand scheme of the universe meant she had very little to truly feel sorry about, and Maea knew all it would take to absorb that truth was a good nights rest and some time.

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3

Alys watched her friend, unconvinced, but as Maea seemed to pull herself together, the intensity of her emotions began to lessen. She wondered what it must be like, to have one's worldview so completely altered, and in the end blamed herself for causing that kind of stress. Even if Maea would one day come to terms with what Alys had said, she hadn't yet done so, and it was the right now that mattered most to the seer.

But there was naught to be done, and so Alys simply said, "Thank you for answering my questions." She picked up the sewing in her lap and continued where she'd left off on the pesky shoulder seam. "It... means a great deal to me." And she knew it would to Sascha, too, when she returned to the land of the living. If she returned. Alys was still determined that it should be Sascha's choice, in the end, and whatever decision the little ursur made, she would live with.

ALYS GLASSE

Sing to me, I am not doing well
Getting tired of my own words

Warmth flooded Maea's chest. Reaching around the fire to squeeze Alys' arm, she wondered if the seer knew how much the gratitude went both ways. Emotional fireworks aside, that she was able to help her friend bring her companion back satisfied a very deepseated desire to helpful in the pale woman. Not only had she been able to speak of things that weighed on her soul, but it was for an incredible cause! Even the upturning of her worldview was not necessarily an evil. In order to move forward, sometimes you had to leave some things behind; here, tonight, that something might just turn out to be the shackles of self-loathing Maea had dragged around for nearly a decade.

"It means a lot to me that I was able to answer them," she replied sincerely. "I hope the rest of your quest goes swift and without problems; and that you succeed, however that ends up looking."

Sitting back, they resumed the mundane task of mending clothes. A quiet settled back over the glade, and any further conversation revolved around far more ordinary things. Travel, the warming weather, the likelihood of anyone finding a Vi's Rose within the season... It settled Maea's churning mind, and by the time she followed Alys back to the village and the waiting Peregrine, her thoughts had brightened with a new hope, similar to last time they parted. Fateweaver, indeed; Alys was that and more, to the Ancient vagabond. Mindclearer, Hopebringer, Friend – the jury was out on which epithet meant more.

[FIN]

Sing to me, cause I can't hear myself
through the loudness of my own hurts

base inspired by Odd <3