[SE] En esta casa no existen fantasmas, son puros recuerdos

I'm not giving up, kicking off the rust

He winces, as if physically struck by Koa's next roar. Tripped and fell dick-first into— "It's not like that, he starts to plead, to beg understanding, but there's no room for it in the face of the storm rolling off his cousin.

Kaisel's jaw tightens with every spiteful insult Koa slings his way, a spar of a different kind. While Koa keeps his fists balled tight at his sides, Kaisel keeps his chin high, forcing himself to take each hit. It's a fight to just stand there and let each stinging insult land—every wound Koa is desperately trying to cover up with this vitriol is one that Kaisel gave him. Fuck, he'd known this would be a disaster, but it's one thing to expect the outrage and disappointment of the person he respects the most, and something else entirely to endure it.

The jabs about his dick-capades are the hardest to stomach. Each time Koa piles on the idea that all Kaisel had cared about was fucking either of them, he feels the cards of his composure start to wobble in the wind. "That's not—" he starts when accused of sneaking off to get laid, but clamps his teeth shut, swallowing the defense so Koa can keep swinging.

When the next one lands, something in him locks in place. His jaw visibly works, stare turning flinty as Koa pants. "No." He sets the word down like steel, unyielding to the heat of Koa's fury. It doesn't stop there. Koa keeps coming, keeps pushing at the idea that Kaisel couldn't give two fucks past his two fucks.

His frown pulls back in a snarl. "Fuck you, man!" The words rip out of him, an arm flinging wide across him with the force of it. "You think this was just some fun to me? That I didn't care who got hurt?" His voice catches, anger straining against something more raw. The whole reason he won't let himself be more with her is exactly because he's avoiding that hurt. Gods, if he cared any more about it he'd never leave his goddamn room. Just one moment where he let it wane, and it all went to hell.

"I wasn't fucking sneaking off to get laid." He takes a half-step forward, breath sharp in his chest. "I was trying to be there for someone who might have needed me. You and Soh were busy with Noe, so neither of you could go." He'd stayed with them too, at first, but once they were asleep, what more was there to be done? Only so much progress could be made in a night. "Or does Flora only matter to you when it's convenient?" For all the love Koa seems to claim, Kaisel hasn't seen much of it on display for the Doubletake.

Well, maybe Koa got one thing right. Turns out Kaisel isn't better after all.

Kaisel

I keep acting tough but maybe I'm not good enough

the gray sky was vast and real cryptic above me

The way Kai takes it on the chin only inflames Koa's anger, because how dare his cousin be so damned composed while Koa falls apart. If they were five years younger and not in his dead mother's house this fight would turn to fists; even so he aches to sock that smug, flinty look off Kaisel's face, to shake the kid until they're both too bruised to hold onto their egos.

Finally, finally something shakes loose. A twisted satisfaction crunches in Koa's chest as his cousin finally snaps, finally drops the I'm-so-innocent-and-sorry-and-good act. "No, I think you didn't think." It's as though seeing Kai snap has settled Koa - he's no longer panting, suddenly calm. His fists are still balled, but the nails no longer bite into his skin as he adjusts his fingers, letting them flex and contract. Briefly his eyes sharpen again as Kai continues on: "But why'd it have to be you?" he counters, a crack of pain in his voice.

And then, softer, the true hurt breaking through: "Why'd it have to be her?"

Because she was Flora, of course.

Suddenly he can see it all: Kaisel's idiotic logic, the way he'd tried to be the best of boys and wound up breaking everything along the way. It's a family trait, it seems, and in the end hadn't Kai just followed the path Koa'd carved for him, followed the footsteps of his older cousin into this age-old trap? Maybe this is Koa's fault for not keeping an eye on the boy. For not seeing far enough past his own shit to prevent Kai from stumbling into the same pitfalls. For failing to protect his cousin, his sister, his home.

Koa sighs heavily, anger tempered by a hurt exhaustion that bites into his bones. "Y'know what, Kai? Fine." Arms cross over his chest, a gate closing between them, shutting Kai out from the damage he's done. "Go to King's End. Sort your shit out. Do what you have to do to get your head on right. But then?"

It's Koa's turn to lift his chin up,  hard steel in his voice as he stares Kaisel down. "You're coming home." It's a command, not a suggestion. "Stormbreak needs all hands on deck if she's going to rebuild. You have responsibilities. You're still a Dragoon." He lifts a brow, letting a note of sharp accusation slide past his wall as he adds a pointed: "Unless you're leaving that behind, too?" It's a cruel question, an open guilt trip, but Koa doesn't care. Let Kai hate him, resent him, whatever he has to do. Better to get it out in the open, than wait for the next knife in his back. His cousin has already shown that in the mess of this web, it's Koa whose feelings he cares about the least.

Koa

I wanted you to love me like you used to do

I'm not giving up, kicking off the rust

It's effort to not just leap across the distance and send both of them to the ground swinging. He'd prefer it, not to give Koa more pain to stack up, but for the comfort in all the familiar edges of a fist. Something they could wear themselves out on, until they're too weary and bruised to work the sound of their voice. Something to save both of them from the sort of hits that land deeper, stay longer. Even if Kaisel would lose, he usually does against Koa, it'd be better than this glaring, bristling, knife match of words.

Where Koa has settled, Kaisel has lingered in the sumersault of anger, still tumbling over accusations he can't stomach, least of all coming from Koa. "Because you already had everyone you needed," he snaps back, shoving against the pain he hears like he doesn't want it touching him any more. Once, it would have been Koa. Once, not so long ago, Kaisel would have shoved Koa out the door and closed it shut on him, waiting until the knocking stopped and the idiot walked to her house. Once, it had been that simple.

A line in his face softens at the next sound Koa makes though, evidence of all the quiet ways he continues to love her, the ones that are too worn thin to send him walking through Torchline in the dead of night. That's just it, though. Koa would have gone for Noe. Soh too (?) Just like Kaisel's dad would for his mom, Remi and Ronin for each other, and all the other versions of it he's seen. Who'd rush in for Flora?

As long as he can remember, Kaisel's been playing third wheel. Koa and Noe are the closest he's got to siblings, but he doesn't doubt they'd pick each other over him every time. And as much as he loves Koa, he's always chasing him—age alone has always kept Koa ahead of him, so he's never fully next to him, always above, always better. Kaisel feels loved and protected from all his family, absolutely, but he also always feels like a tag-along, like if it comes down to it, his side would not be the first one any of them run to in a moment of need. He never felt like that with Flora. It'd just been them, and for the first time, that had been enough.

Kaisel swallows, the anger rushing away like vision and balance does after standing up too fast. He eases back onto his heels, not quite sure how to explain in a way that won't hurt. So, he chooses not to. Not today anyway. 

He glances up at the finality edging into Koa's voice, the same curt end to a meeting that's no longer favorable. Kaisel huffs out a breath, shoulders slouching forward as he shoves his hands in his pant pockets. "Yeah, alright," he says flatly, despite the reluctance in his posture. A frown slants in over the caution that leans through the rest of him, because he doesn't really want to walk away from this with it left this way, but Koa has found some sort of ground to stand on and Kaisel is certain anything else he says will just continue to remove it. Another day perhaps, he could explain further, after Koa's had time to think on it more. Besides, he doesn't know how to explain that something can still be important to him when he's walking away from it, or tell Koa without wounding him further that this exact reaction is part of why he doesn't want to come back.

"I'll see you at the masquerade," he offers instead, like notching something into their future will make this ending feel better. He grabs his half-done cloak and goes, something he'll work on later.

[FIN]

Kaisel

I keep acting tough but maybe I'm not good enough