[SE] i wanna be your last first kiss

Zavien

Zavien smiled at her whispered question. It was nice to know he wasn't the only one affected, that her heart had stretched and expanded to the point of unimaginable size, that it was because of him and them. He swore he could feel it pressing against his sternum, ready to break through where she could see it beating for her. 

His thumb traced a pattern along the base of her spine, voice full of affection as he whispered back, "Then you can have mine." There was a whisp of a smile cradled on his lips as he leaned back to look lovingly down at her. "It's already yours anyways." She might not have realized it, but she'd stolen it long ago. He was just its keeper. After all, everything he was belonged to her now.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Soh felt everything so clearly, so deeply, that she thought she might cry from the sheer joy of it all. She felt as though she’d been fundamentally changed, as though if someone opened up her chest, they would find Zavien‘s name emblazoned on her heart. It belonged to him now, fully and completely, as if she had plucked it from her chest and placed it into the palm of his hand.

Soh smiled at his murmured offer. His heart was a gift that she would cherish always, that she would care for and tend to until the day she died. Gazing lovingly up at him, arms still loosely around his neck, she realized that her feelings weren’t just the product of good sex, weren’t just thoughts she’d had in the midst of passion. She loved him. She loved him so much that it took her breath away, everything she’d ever felt before paling in comparison.

She swallowed hard, her heart skipping a beat or two. ”Zavien… I love you,” she whispered, voice soft but sure, resolute in these feelings that had so overtaken her. It didn’t matter if said it back yet. She’d felt his emotions in the unrestrained way he’d made love to her, like she was someone worthy of giving his heart to. He didn’t have to say what she had been able to feel so thoroughly through his actions. But she had to tell him. If she didn’t, and something happened, something that prevented her from being able to, she’d never forgive herself. He deserved to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how she felt.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

The words rang through his head, crystal and clear and so sure: 'I love you.'

Zavien smiled, giddy with a thousand emotions rushing through him, most of all an echoing sense of right that he'd never felt before. Light and joy and everything bright and good flooded him, making him lightheaded with the force of it all, his heart immediately answering her in kind, answering the call without hesitation. "I - "

But his voice cut off, his throat constricting as another voice echoed in the back of his mind. It was his - the last time he'd said the words, devastated and pained as his heart lay dead in his arms. Lena's face flashed, cold and expressionless, overlaid on Soh's like a prophecy, stealing the moment in a cruel ripping of peace. He felt a chill run down his spine, fear and panic spreading like quicksilver in his veins. It flashed in his eyes, terror gripping him as he tried to breathe. What if he lost Soh too? What if he couldn't protect her? Would saying the words curse her too? What else would he call this feeling?

Instinct had him wrapping Soh securely in his arms, wishing he could shut out the thoughts as he buried his face in her neck, blocking her from the rest of the world. But Zavien was seized by the sudden crashing of past and present, terrified that he would repeat history, that he would be forced to endure the loss of someone else he loved. He didn't think he could survive it. He'd managed to revive his heart once, but surely he would become nothing more than a hollow shell when it died for a second time. If Soh died... 

His grip tightened, a shaking breath wreaking through his chest, forcing the words into her skin. "Gods, I love you so much it hurts." There was a strain in his whispered voice, unable to keep the truth from her, but trembling from the impact it had on him, the realization and the fear and all that came with loving her.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Soh saw the joy on his face, the light and warmth in his eyes as he gazed down at her, adoring and devoted and loving.

And she saw the moment cold fear shadowed it, a terror unlike any she’d ever seen on his face blowing his pupils wide.

Confusion flickered across her face as he buried his face in her neck; instinctively, she wrapped her arms around him tightly, holding him against her as though she could protect him from whatever emotions flashed through him now. Had she said something wrong? She didn’t think so, if his initial reaction was anything to go by, but what else was she supposed to think as he clung to her as though at any moment she might be ripped from his arms? What about her loving him so fiercely would inspire such panic?

When he spoke, it was tormented, voice shaking and strained. While she felt a surge of relief that he loved her, too, that she hadn’t misread that first surge of joy on his face, she didn’t want to be the cause of such pain, of such intense fear. She caressed his bare shoulders, rubbing his back soothingly with one hand. ”Zav,” she murmured softly, trying to keep her voice gentle and even, though her concern would be evident. ”What’s wrong? Talk to me,” she coaxed, almost pleading. She wanted to understand, needed to know, so that she could help him past whatever demons haunted him now.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Her fingers traced soothing patterns over his back and arms, her words a gentle coaxing. He knew she was worried, knew this wasn't the response she wanted or deserved after such an open declaration. He wanted to reassure her, to revel in the overflowing love between them, but the words stuck in his chest, pain lancing as he thought about what they meant and the devastation they could cause. 

At her quiet insistence, a soft admission bubbled to the surface. "The last woman I said those words to... the last woman I loved..." Zavien tensed his shoulders, wishing desperately that he could be rejoicing rather than digging up grief as he whispered the truth into the space by her shoulder, strands of hair sticking to his stubble. 

"She ended up dead, and I can't - " he drew a shaky breath, struggling to get the words out. His shoulders rose then curved forward in his pleading grasp. "I can't bear the thought of losing someone I love again." Holding her tight enough that she could feel the cracking of his heart, Zavien shook his head like he could demand the world never take her from him. "I can't bear the thought of losing you."

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

The quiet, tortured admission stilled Soh’s hand for the briefest of seconds - before she wrapped her arms around him, holding him more tightly than ever before. ”Oh, Zavien…” Her heart ached fiercely for him, for the pain of lost love and the fear of what new love meant. It was tragic, devastating, that this moment wasn’t one of joy for him but was one of terror, of potential loss, of what ifs and trauma. If she could take it away, she would, would do anything to bring back the light that had shined so brightly in his eyes. But just now, she couldn’t even see their sage green. He seemed unable or unwilling to look at her, his face remaining buried in the crook of her neck and shoulder, his words echoing into the scant space there.

For a moment, she simply held him, at a loss for words. She couldn’t promise that she’d stay alive, not when the future was always so uncertain here, but gods knew she would try. That so long as she drew breath, she would always, always find her way back to him.

”You’re not losing me,” she whispered finally, voice cracked with emotion, full of a fierce love that promised more than her words ever could. ”I’m here, and this is where I’m going to stay.” She took a shaky breath. ”I promise you, Zavien. I’ll always do everything in my power to come home to you. Always.”

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

Soh's hug felt like she was trying to keep the pieces of his heart from falling out of his chest, like she hoped she might stitch him back together or squeeze the fears and doubts from his body. He didn't mind, it eased some of the panic to feel her close, to hear her voice and feel the beat of her heart. It reassured him that his nightmares hadn't come true yet, that she was alright, safe in his arms. 

He could sense her pain, could hear what he was doing to her, the burden he was placing on her after they'd just shared such an intimate, perfect moment. It ached, guilt and shame mingling with the anxieties. "I believe you," he said, trusting every word and promise she'd uttered, believing that she would do everything in her power to keep him from feeling more pain.

And yet, Zavien pulled back, finally looking into her eyes as he cradled her below him. "But Caido can be cruel and unpredictable." His gaze bore into her, intense and fully of dark memories swirling beneath. He shook his head, breath quickening around the emotion constricting his voice. "When Lena needed me most, I didn't even know she was in trouble," blissfully ignorant that his girlfriend was suffering all alone in the dark "and by the time I found her..." The words cracked, heavy as he admitted to the greatest failure of his life. "I was too late."

Sucking in a breath, he looked to her again, uncertain when he'd looked away. There was a slight frenzy in the way he spoke, the way his eyes scanned her face. "What if something happens to you? And I don't know or can't get to you?" Quieter, pained, he asked, "What if history repeats itself?" What if he was cursed and he was the reason she died?

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

Just as she’d expected, her promises didn’t land in a way that was reassuring; if anything, they seemed to make things worse. At least he was looking at her now, though the way his gaze bore into hers spoke of his desperation, his intense desire to keep her safe and protected, the way he hadn’t been able to do for Lena. ”That wasn’t your fault,” Soh said softly, gently, willing him to believe it even though she knew he wouldn’t. Or maybe he couldn’t. This was Zavien; protecting others - especially those he cared about - was so central to his being that she wouldn’t be surprised if this was a wound that simply refused to heal, now or in the future.

His eyes scanned her face, searching, anguished, and Soh took a shuddering breath. ”History won’t repeat itself,” she promised. ”Listen - we can go to one of the gods and get something so that you’ll know if I’m in trouble. Or something that will let you get to me if I need you. Maybe not all at once, but there are options.” She paused, watching his face, relaxing her arms from around his neck so that she could cradle his cheeks, thumbs brushing against stubble as she tried to soothe his worries. ”We don’t have to just sit around and hope for the best. We can do something to give you some peace of mind.”

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

The absolvement did little for him, having heard and told himself the same truth over and over. It didn't change the guilt that lingered, wondering if he could have done something different, if he'd gotten there just a bit sooner. His head hung, resigned awareness occupying his tone. "Maybe not, but... I wish I would've known. I wish she hadn't been alone. I wish I could've saved her..." And if he'd been better prepared or more worried about her safety, he might have already been nearby, able to intervene before it was too late. 

Her hands held him, stabilizing him in the turmoil of his thoughts, giving him options that would soothe and ease his worries, magical means to reassure his anxieties when there were apart. He honestly felt silly for not having thought about it, for letting his fears drive his emotions to the point of panic, but when it came to love and feeling what he risked to lose all over again, Zavien couldn't think straight. 

He took a deep breath, eyes fluttering closed with something akin to relief, determination and hope finding space amongst the fears. "You're right. Maybe the Gilded Market can make something, and I'm sure Safrin would be able to help..." The words faded, ideas pushing aside the overwhelming sense of dread so he could recognize the state of panic he'd been in, wincing as he saw the concern in her eyes, felt the brush of her hands on his face. "I'm sorry. I just - can't go through that again," he whispered, knowing that he'd do anything not to lose her, to feel this beautiful love ripped from his hands again. It might just destroy him this time.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

As expected, Zavien was unwilling or unable to forgive himself for Lena's loss - and Soh couldn't blame him. If she were in his position, she was sure she would feel the exact same way, no matter how illogical it was. "I know," she said simply, soothingly. "And I'm so sorry." She would never have wished that kind of pain on him. Even if it had meant that he'd be with Lena now instead of her, Soh could have borne that if it meant Zavien would never have had to feel so guilty and so helpless.

Her suggestions landed, and she breathed deeply with relief as Zavien began to calm from the panic he'd been in. "Don't be sorry," she murmured. "Just know we're going to do whatever we have to so that you never have to go through that again. I'm not leaving you," she added fiercely. "I'm right here, and nothing is going to change that."

She thought for a moment, still stroking his cheeks with her thumbs. "What else can I do?" she asked tentatively. She wasn't sure how best to support him through this, until they could procure something that would make him feel better. "Would... would it make you feel better for me to stay with you until we can talk to the Gilded Market or Safrin?" She searched his gaze, unsure if that was something he would want. He loved her, but maybe he'd still want space. But she would do anything if it meant helping him through this, anything if it meant he wasn't terrified every time she left his arms.

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

His voice was barely audible, the grief and regrets painting the words like blue watercolor, seeping into the page of his love letter. "Me too." There would be no changing it for as long as he lived, and as much as he convinced himself Lena was at peace in Mort's Halls - rooting for his happiness - Zavien couldn't forget the cold slack of her features, the terror and loneliness she would have felt as the sea panther tore her apart. He would have done anything to stop it. 

Eager to think of anything else, Zavien nodded, slowly accepting her multitude of promises. Every word was a declaration for him, something to strengthen and reassure where he felt weak and vulnerable. Although he had faith in their ability to create security here, he ached for the day it would come, the day when he could feel completely relaxed knowing she was safe, and that he could get to her whenever she might be in need. 

He shook his head in her grasp, his thumb moving slowly along her back while his eyebrows furrowed at the thought of forcing her to stay by his side. "No no. I won't chain you to me, and I'm sure there are things you need to do in Torchline." As much as he appreciated her love and affection, he refused to let her life revolve solely around him. He loved her independence in equal measure to her compassion, and he wouldn't diminish her into an emotional support human just because he was scared of losing her. 

Pursing his lips, he asked one thing of her, cautious and a bit nervous at the edges. "Just... be careful?" He might have requested she stay by Flora's side, but that felt like too much to ask, like putting her in a gilded cage. No one was after Soh anymore, and as long as she was smart about it, he hoped she wouldn't find herself in any dangerous situations for the time being. 

Regardless, he swallowed the discomfort and unease, leaning forward to place another loving kiss against her lips. "I love you, Soh." It was a soft, tender admission, lacking the strain from earlier, even as the heavier emotions lingered at the edges.

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

As he declined the offer, Soh's lips twitched. "Oh, no," she murmured, a hint of teasing entering her voice once more. "It would truly be a burden to be stuck with the man I love for a while. Whatever would I do?" Still, she had to admit that she appreciated his perspective. While it wouldn't bother her a bit to be with him, she would rather do so because they both wanted to be together rather than simply because of fear. So she softened, not with relief, exactly, but with some unnameable affection. "I promise I'll be careful."

When he kissed her again, she tugged him closer, lips lingering against his as though she could promise him the world if only she tried hard enough. "I love you, Zavien," she whispered. And for a moment, all the awe that he loved her, too, came creeping back, filling her heart with a joy that she wanted to shout from the rooftops for all of Caido to hear. She ventured a soft, sweet smile, almost shy, hoping that she could coax him from the heavier emotions that she knew had to linger, and likely would until such a time as they had something to reassure him even when they were apart.

"So," she said after a moment. "What now? I think we could use a shower, but I'm open to other suggestions."

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

Zavien

A whisp of a smile threatened to form on his lips, appreciating that she found the idea bearable enough to joke about, even if it didn't change his mind. He wouldn't be what held her back from living, no matter how much the fears would occupy his mind while she was gone. Her agreement to caution would have to be enough, along with the promise of their next meeting on the horizon. 

The kiss brought back the flood of emotions, sweeping gently in like a wave lapping the shore. It didn't crash or overwhelm this time, settling calmly in his mind like an inevitability he couldn't escape - one he didn't want to escape as her words burrowed deep in his chest, working to push out the darkness that had crept in. 

He met her smile with one of his own, fragile and tender after so many emotions. "A shower would be nice." His hair had dried from his earlier shower, skin now slick with sweat and sex that was cooling quickly. It was a feeling he hadn't gotten used to, but the post-sex glow appeared real, still glistening along Soh's skin even as the flush had since faded. Zavien admired her for a moment longer before shifting to rise. 

Muscles screamed in protest after being held in position for so long, some giving a subtle tremble of effort as he stood, lifting Soh with him. Stifling a groan of discomfort, he held her steady on her feet until she got her bearings, finding his own along the way. When he was certain neither of them were going to fall, he offered a timid quirk of his lips. "Ready?"

If you don't like the road you're walking,
start paving another.

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life

The smallest smile appeared on his lips, and Soh counted that as a win. She loved him all the more for not letting his fear overtake him, for not wanting to keep her from living her life. It took a certain strength of character, she knew, and while she'd already been aware that he possessed that quality, it certainly didn't hurt to be reminded.

It was only after suggesting a shower that Soh realized that she was going to have to move, a prospect that was truly beginning to look hellish after how long they'd been in the same position. She stifled a groan as Zavien lifted her to her feet, clinging to him until she was certain she wouldn't just fall right back over. "You know," she commented wryly. "Not that I'm complaining, but one of these days, we should really do this in a bed." Where they could immediately fall asleep after, still tangled in one another's limbs.

But right now, a shower called her name, and she reached for Zavien's hand to tug him along, walking backwards towards his bedroom, where their shared shower awaited.

fin

Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life