go easy on me

Zavien

Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times

Nodding his head, Zavien took a deep breath to release any sense of responsibility for the man. "Then you will know." It was his decision whether he chose to do anything with the information or not. Perhaps it would be easier knowing since they weren't his own people. 

The conversation felt heavy, weighing down his limbs with exhaustion. There was so much pressure, from the guilt that hadn't quite left to the knowledge that plagued him. Zavien wasn't sure how he'd found himself in the midst of so many expectations and responsibilities. He was just a soldier who wanted to help make people smile; and yet he found himself laden with emotions and purpose beyond his understanding. It was too much for him to process in his current state, but he wondered if he might come to understand it one day. And if not, maybe he could accept it.  

For now, he felt like a sorry house guest, lounging in bed, taking up the time of the Warden, hogging the healing. His mother would be ashamed. So Zavien did the only thing he could, he put on a practiced smile and said, "I'm not sure I've said this yet, but thank you. I know this isn't how either of us wanted things to work out, but I'm eternally grateful for everything." He gestured with a hand to the situation at large, unable to articulate every bit that had contributed to his recovery thus far. And although Deimos had not lessened his mental burden, it was comforting to see a familiar face. Despite it all, he couldn't stay. 

Zavien shifted in the bed, better able to disguise the wince with Zuriel's assistance. "I'll plan to leave in the next day or two - once I have the strength." He said the words firmly, his mind already made up as he seemed to gaze off into the distance. "I have a lot of things to think about." How to get stronger. Where to go. What to do next. How to tell Lena. It was all overwhelming, but they were things to consider later, after he'd had more than a second to breathe and wrap his head around recent events (and deaths).

DEIMOS

ache first, but then let the cuts close
spit out the blood

They’d all started in that way, in some regard. Deimos too, had once been nothing more than a soldier, grasped by the pull of the Voice’s portals, sent to Caido for a purpose he’d had no say in. Then they’d clawed at barriers, clambered and unraveled and unfurled, until some of them prevailed and spread outward, making gains and strides in deadly games of warfare. The sojourns hadn’t been simple or easy – lined, pebbled, and regarded with so much heartache, loss, and tempestuous tides, sometimes one wondered how they’d gone on at all.

But persistence, perseverance, and a healthy amount of sedition, had always lit the fuel and fire for the Sword. Even when plagued with sorrow and guilt, there were next days to be had – an offering, an extension, and an ability to change. Little by little, bit by bit, until something no longer felt so wearing or damning or scalding.

How Zavien chose to defy those odds again would be entirely up to him.

His head tilted once more, listening to the gratitude. A long breath pulsed through his lungs and slipped away, his stoic features remaining inscrutable, intangible lines, not wanting to betray the rest of his thinking. “You are welcome. It is unfortunate it was not in better circumstances.”

But then he nodded, standing from the chair, placing it aside so as not to invite too many while Zavien recuperated. “Of course. Take the time you need. May you have a safer journey home.” With that, he left an assemblage of jackets and furs for the man to choose from on the hooks near the bed, and he and the unicorn departed – hiding the clenching of his jaw and the speculation beginning to haunt from within.

[FIN]

watch your body pull itself back together
then let your soul do the same