[SE] Feel my inhibitions fading

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

"SOH!" he calls, glancing skyward for a sign of an owl, determined not to piss himself this time when she lands in silently. He assumes she'll be flying, because he certainly would have if he could have. "Fucking maze," he mutters, a few more scratches and smudges of dirt adorning him from his journey through the unhospitable hedge labyrinth.

He wanted them to meet somewhere pretty private though, and he's been wanting to see this giant bowl of fire ever since hearing about it. It doesn't really make the trek here worth it, not the way he'd hoped, but it is a pretty awesome sight to behold. "Cool," he says with a breath as he lets his attention settle on the obsidian surface and the flicker of fire roaring within. Hoping his marshmallow roasting sticks are long enough, he reaches around in his pack for the s'mores supplies, pulling out the sticks and eyeballing the edge of the bowl a bit warily.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

Soh was not, in fact, going to appear in the form of an owl at this particular juncture. Perhaps it was the fact that she'd startled Kai the last time she'd flown in, or perhaps she simply didn't feel like flying today, preferring the challenge of the hedge maze - but either way, she strolled towards the Eye of Fire with a snort of laughter as the young man shouted her name. "I'm here," she called, amusement evident in her face as she came around the fire.

Kaisel was a bit scratched and smudged, and Soh raised a brow as she considered the young man. This was not, perhaps, the person she'd have picked for Flora to have rebound sex with, but here they were. She joined Kai by the fire, eyeing the sticks he'd brought. Were they long enough, or were they about to burn their hands trying to make s'mores? "They'll probably work," she mused aloud. "But if not, Tarak can make us a smaller fire." As though to prove the point, the griffin swept by overhead, letting out a blast of flame just to show that he could.

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

Her voice drifts through the foliage and he glances over, tilting around the bowl as she approaches. "Oh, hey Soh!" he greets with a flick of a hand in a short wave before he resumes his rummaging. "Thanks for coming, I know it's not the most conventional meeting point." Have to admit it's cool though.

He does a few practice jabs with the sticks towards the bowl, frowning as he finds the angle of his wrist a bit weird, and the fire a bit too fiery for the slow bronzing he's aiming for. He pulls the sticks away and blows out the ends, some charcoal curling up with a lazy waft of smoke trailing up above, like an overgrown incense stick. Tarak's much smaller display capture's Kaisel's eye, mouth agape in wonder at the display, ever impressed by all the little companions' capabilities. "Ooooh yes, that'd be perfect if he could. I do wanna use the big fire for an idea I had though."

He crouches back down by his pack and pulls out a mess of papers and pens, one of which has a gaudy feather and gem on the top, so likely had been swiped from Flora by accident. "You ever hear of writing something down and burning it to set it free from you?" he glances over at Soh expectantly, like this is a common thing to do, though he can't remember who taught him. Some friend from training probably. "Can do it with wishes and gratitude too. It like... I dunno converts it into energy and sets it free or something." Stars hadn't been working out too well for him, so maybe burning paper, definitely also fun to do, would prove more effective. "I thought maybe I'd thank Safrin for the knives she gave me and helping Koa out in the desert too."

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

Sohalia nodded, then set about gathering a few sticks from around the fire, making a small pyre for Tarak to light aflame - which he did, with a slightly bigger lick of flame than strictly necessary, if only to show off for a captive audience. Rolling her eyes, Soh settled by the fire, cross-legged, and watched as Kai began to pull this and that out of his pack. Was that Flora's pen?

"Yeah, I've heard of that," Soh said, a thoughtful gaze on Kai. "I've never tried it, though. May I?" She gestured to one of the pens, waiting for the young man's approval before swiping it and a piece of paper. She held the pen over the parchment, pausing as she considered. What was she thankful for? After a moment, she started to write: I'm thankful the Family is gone.

She folded the paper once, lengthwise, and held it up between her pointer and middle finger. "Aren't we supposed to, like... concentrate on our gratitude or say something grateful or... I dunno, do something ritualistic before we set them on fire?"

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

"Thanks Tarak!" Kaisel beams at the companion as his flame sets the gathered sticks to light. Kaisel nudges them a bit to make sure a true fire catches and not just a quick, cheap burn. He scoots the packs of chocolate closer, so that some distant heat will soften them, the best trick for s'more making. Though, it's a fine line from that to melting it.

It's a relief that Soh has heard of it, because sometimes the traditions passed to you by one or two people end up being so unique that something you considered commonplace ends up being weird. Not that Kaisel minds weird, but if there's any substance to this, to wishes and unspoken passing of energy, he feels like it needs to be something the universe is at least a little accustomed to, otherwise it risks getting ignored. "Yeah go for it." He slides some paper stacks and pens her way, gathering his own in his lap.

Safrin, thanks for always being a bad bitch and helping out Koa and me.

He folded his paper not long behind her, standing up to be able to toss it into the giant obsidian bowl. "Umm, I think as long as it's what's in your heart when you write it down, all that gets put into it when it burns. Just gotta be honest." He flicks his in, watching for a minute as the heat sends it up, looking like it might float away before a spark catches it and chews through it with a wash of cherry red and black, leaving just the sinking of ash in its wake. Small bits of it drift up with the crackle of the fire, glowing specks of embers that drift to the sky.

He sits down again, pulling out another paper. "So, I called you here because I'm worried about Flora." he glances up from his newest note to look at her, serious as can be while holding a shiny pen. "I saw her, after the attack..." he exhales loudly. "I know it scared her. Hurt her. But more than that Soh, she was really hard on herself, and lost." Something harder edges into his face now, "and fucking Jack, left her again—" he pauses, shaking his head as he resumes his writing. "I guess not again. Finally? Anyway, he didn't help, surprise surprise."

Frey, I know you do all the sex stuff, and thanks for that, but can you watch over Flora a bit more for a while? Thx.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

As Kaisel set fire to his paper, Soh followed suit, flicking hers into the flames to watch it burn. As paper gave way to ash, the Luminary focused on what she'd written, on how grateful she was for things to be relatively safe in Caido again, on the many ways she hoped to help things rebuild. And when the last of the ashes sank into the depths of the flames, she pulled another sheet of paper towards her and poised her pen over it.

But she paused as Kai's concerns came to light, shooting the young man a sidelong glance as though sizing him up, trying to determine if he knew that he was a part of what Flora was going through right now. Dahlia's attack had been unexpected and terrifying, but unsurprising to hear about. Jack had always been an ass, so that didn't much shock Soh, either. But sleeping with Kai? And the emotions that it had stirred up? That had been... unexpected.

But Flora was her best friend, and Soh knew better than to get in the middle of a love triangle. So she turned her attention back to the paper and pen and fire, scribbling out another note before she spoke again. "I'm worried about her, too," she admitted softly. And what was worse, Soh didn't know how to help her friend. With the Family gone and Stormbreak to retake, she had to leave Torchline.

She just hoped she wasn't going to hurt Flora in the process. No matter how much the queen would understand, that didn't erase the emotion of it all. Soh tossed the next bit of paper into the fire. I'm thankful for Flora, and I pray for her healing - not just the physical, but everything else, too. "All I know to do is be patient and be there for her, you know?"

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

Soh's admittance to also being worried sinks like a strange relief. Although it would have been nice to hear that her friend is convinced Flora will bounce back stronger than ever, that it's nothing too worrisome, there's something else to knowing it's not so easy. Kaisel hadn't been certain if he'd been overreacting, Flora has just felt so damn distant, and wrong. He's seen her sad, but this time it felt like he found her broken, and try as he might those parts of her just felt like they shattered more in his hands.

Kaisel glances up from his next bit of paper with a loud sigh. "That's the thing," he admits, words thin as his throat seems to tighten up around them. The weight of feeling like he's the one who fucked it all up, that he ruined everything with Caly, that he made Flora pull away when he'd been trying to help... it's been dragging on him. In part because he stubbornly keeps trying to ignore it and pretend everything is fine, just some sprinkles poured over top everything ugly and hard until it all looks a little nicer, tastes a little better. "I don't know if I can." He shakes his head, then stills for a moment, hanging over his paper with a stare that cuts through it into something distant. "Soh—" he seems to catch himself, fingers tightening over his pen. Saying this out loud, it makes it feel too real.

He needs Soh to understand though, because he's not just telling her that Flora needs her, he's telling her that Flora needs everything Soh can give, because he feels like he can't help make up any of the difference, and he's afraid that when Flora is this fractured, that it might not be enough. "I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. It was too easy to do it again, too simple to just slip back into the way we wer—" he seems to catch himself a bit and runs a weary hand through his hair, ruffling the back of it aggressively.

"I—we, kissed and made love after I left your apartment that night." There's no shame when he says it, just a brittle fear of what that truth means for everything, most of all for Koa. He can't, he won't tell Soh how impactful that'd be on his cousin, because to do so would be admitting to her that Koa just told him he still loves Flora, and Kaisel will be damned if he ruins anything else further than he already has. "The pool party," he clarifies, sitting back a bit more and draping his hands over his pulled up knees, gratitude long since forgotten. "I was worried about her, because she'd been in the middle of it all, so I went to see if she was safe while you helped settle Koa and Noe for the night. She was alright, but trying to stay hidden, so we talked for a bit under the deck of her boat. It got late, and we were both tired and worried and..." He's tried to understand time and time again why he let it happen, when for so long he'd been able to hold it off, to keep back all of this.

"Anyway... we agreed to stay friends, because it's too complicated otherwise. But then when she needed me Soh, when she was hurt and scared, I just fucking kissed her again. She could barely look at me half the time. I'm just fucking it all up now and that's not what she needs." Annoyance, at himself, lances the words with something sharp.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

Knowing Flora's side of this particular story didn't prepare Soh in the least for hearing Kai's version of events. It didn't escape her notice that the young man said that he and Flora made love - like it had meant more than just a casual hookup on both sides. Nonetheless, she listened patiently, because it seemed like poor Kai needed a friend just now as much as he needed someone to help Flora, and maybe Soh could be that person for him - for everyone, really.

Even if it felt like betraying them all, somehow.

She began to doodle idly on the sheet of paper, sketching Tarak's profile as she considered her next words carefully. "What Flora needs right now is people who can commit to her," she said finally, her words gentle. "She needs to feel like she's not alone and adrift. Caido is a big world, Kai, and when you don't have people to share it with -" Soh cut herself off abruptly, suddenly feeling like she was sharing too much. "The point is, I'm just one person, and Flora needs a village."

The fire crackled, reflecting off of Tarak's brilliant blue plumage. Soh gazed fondly at her companion for a moment, and then slid her silver gaze to Kaisel. "Can I give you some unsolicited advice?" she asked.

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

Soh doesn't comment much about the big reveal, which perhaps is a blessing. Thing is, Kaisel's basically on the edge of his seat, about to burst with oh fuck what have I done, and Soh just sweeps it away in a tidy pile like it's nothing quite so grand. He just gapes for a moment, wondering if perhaps he has foolishly placed far too much care into one evening than he ought to. Maybe it'd been world moving for him, but rather a bore for everyone else, which isn't that typically how it goes for the boys?

He can at least get behind what she is saying though, because yes, he agrees Flora needs exactly all of that. "I know, that's what I'm saying—" An unbidden laugh breaks free when she says Flora needs a village, because fuck if that isn't true. She would be so extra as to require a goddamn town to keep her steady. "That's the problem," he stresses, gaze pleading up at Soh. "I don't think I can manage what she needs, not any more. I don't think she wants me to anyway, not after the last time I tried to help. Ended up talking about my problems too instead of just hers." he rolls his eyes, never one to find much fault in himself, but lately it's hard not to when it feels like every step sets off a pressure plate trap that he should have seen coming.

He huffs out a sigh and glances up at Soh with a newfound brightness. "Yes, please," he practically begs her, because he's clearly a man in need of some kind of guidance these days.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

Maybe Soh should have tried to summon some semblance of surprise, but given that she was Flora's best friend, she thought that it would be fairly obvious that she already knew. And, really, what could she do other than take it in stride? Flora had all but admitted that it had been earth-shaking for her, but that there was no future in which she and Kaisel could be together. And the longer Kaisel spoke, the more it seemed that Flora was right to think that. The young dragoon was already pulling away, already distancing himself from the Doubletake, in a way that Soh just couldn't get behind.

So where she started out as someone trying to be a friend, she ended up frowning at Kai, thoroughly disapproving of his choices. But then she softened - at least he was willing to listen to a little friendly advice. "Look," she said, leaning back on one hand as she stroked Tarak's head with the other. "Flora's my best friend. We talk about everything." She looked at Kai pointedly. "I know about Caly, and I know that things are... complicated for you right now. Trust me. I get it. Probably better than you'd think." Because hadn't this been her, a few years ago, torn between two people and ending up hurting everyone in the process?

"You care about Flora," Soh said, an accusation but without the bite. "But if you don't think you can be there for her right now - if you don't think you can consistently show up, and support her, even when it's hard, and confusing..." The Luminary trailed off with a sigh, because in her opinion, Kai should keep showing up, especially when it was hard and confusing, because that's what friends did. But it wasn't that simple anymore, was it? "Flora doesn't need to lose someone else if she doesn't have to. So either be there, or give her some space, but please don't just leave her wondering.

"And the same goes for Caly," she added, perhaps a little belatedly. "It may not seem like you have to pick one over the other to you, but I can promise you that both of them would rather you choose her." And yes, Soh was very much speaking from experience.

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

Oh, he supposes he should have figured as much. Explains why Soh barely batts an eye, and as rare as the feeling is, embarrassment sweeps hot and pink over Kaisel with the knowledge that Soh already knew. He's got an extreme itch to ask how Flora thought he did, y'know, since they talk about everything. He wisely chooses not to follow that train of thought though.

Instead he listens, head tilted faintly towards her as it hangs a bit between his shoulders, body draped over his knees, gaze boring holes into the ground. He does glance up partway through her talk, certainty flashing across his expression. "She's not gonna lose me." He's not afraid of work, or discomfort, or time. "She just," he flips his hand at the wrist like it's waving the thoughts into some comprehensible strand. "She's already dealing with enough, right now. I don't want to be more reason for her to struggle." Ordinarily he'd not have considered himself a splintering point, but since he seemed to be less than helpful for her after her attack, he's got to reconsider a bit more what's best for Flora, even if it's not what he wants.

Distance is always his last choice, but she'd certainly seemed to want some of it.

"What do you mean by wondering?" he asks after a pause, digesting everything she said again as he goes quiet. He glances up at her from a head tilt, like maybe shifting the words around inside his mind could bring clarity. "And which her?" he asks more cautiously, a bit breathless. I can promise you that both of them would rather you choose her. Does she mean... Caly wants him to choose Flora? That Flora wants him to choose Caly? Or, does each of them want him to choose them instead of each other, which might be the first time he'd considered Flora wanting him to choose her. She might have initiated, but she's always been a flirt, he doubts it meant anything near as much to her as it had to him, and ever since she'd been telling him to pursue Caly.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

Soh thought back to all the times recently that Kai had been at Flora's side, remembered the way that Flora had spoken about him recently. She bit her lip, trying to figure out how she was going to navigate the rest of this conversation without giving Flora's feelings away, while simultaneously trying to protect them.

This was going to be harder than she'd thought.

She paused, thinking. "Flora is... strong, and independent, and totally capable of amazing things without any of us to help her. But... she's also human, and she cares so much about the people who matter to her. Maybe to you, it doesn't feel like she'll lose you. But if you pull away... I don't know, Kai. Even if you don't mean to, it'll still hurt. No matter how much she says it won't or tries to be the one to push you away first."

As for the rest of it, Soh again found herself trapped by her loyalty to Flora. She couldn't say what she wanted to say, which was, pick Flora, you dummy. The Doubletake had made it very clear that not only was she still not over Jack, but that she didn't want to get in the way of Kaisel and Caly. So instead, Soh sighed. "People want to feel like they're important," she said. "So, even if it's not romantic, Flora probably wants you to stay her friend, and Caly... Caly wants to feel like she comes first to you. Like you'd drop everything for her - including Flora."

// Ring around the rosie - Pocket full of posie //

His gaze narrows slightly at her explanation, like the chicken squinting gif. He's suspect of the things he can tell she carefully picks around. He sees her choose her words before speaking them (a novel idea to him), and the pauses as her tongue lingers while her mind makes selections. He doesn't blame her for it one bit, but he does wonder what all the things left unsaid might be. What the naked response would have told him, instead of this one dressed and polished for a night out.

"Probably wants me to stay her friend," he scoffs, a sliver of hurt edging in under the dramatic show. If they talked, did Flora say she didn't? Soh's telling him she might push him away, to not let her, but then she probably wants him to stay her friend? Shit, had he fucked up that bad? "She has no choice, we are friends." He tries to say it like a matter of fact, like that is the one part he's confident in, and he had been, just before this. Uncertain maybe on how to navigate that friendship around the apparent urge to kiss her whenever she's sad, but friendship all the same.

He frowns.

"I don't know if I can be with someone that wouldn't trust me enough to love them, while still having friends who are important to me." Yeah, he gets it, don't keep meeting your friends in-between the sheets, but that was one time and they both agreed never again, and that was before he even knew Caly and him might still be something. Even if they were, or are, he's not about to giftwrap his heart for her. He might wear it around openly, so it's more obvious, and it gets hurt more, but he still keeps ahold of it.

Shit, he doesn't even know if Caly believes in ghosts, or if she sleeps with one leg out of the covers, or how she likes her eggs in the morning, or what her surprised laugh sounds like compared to her annoyed laugh. He likes her, but he's not trying to upend his whole life for her, not yet anyway. "Caly has to find a way to not rank herself if this is gonna work at all. I don't know why someone has to be first. You can love people in a lot of different ways... that's all even assuming there's another time at all anyway." he sighs.

Kaisel

// I'ma fucking blow all the ashes down //

Sohalia Lumaris

This was fucking impossible. How was she supposed to steer Kai in the right direction without betraying Flora's confidence? Frowning into the fire, Soh's fingers paused where they scratched Tarak's head; the griffin made a small, indignant squawk as though to remind her that he was there, and she started up again. "This is really hard," she muttered. "Of course you're Flora's friend. It's just, you're talking about not being able to be what she needs right now, but what she needs is just for people to be there. So if you're going to create distance, it's going to hurt, even if she says it won't."

As for the rest of it, Soh didn't have the answers. She'd managed to fuck up her first two relationships nearly beyond saving - and, really, she'd only managed to salvage one of them, sorta kinda maybe, so what did she know about it all?

"People don't always make sense, Kai. I wish they did," she said ruefully. Gods, but things would be so much easier without all the layers that seemed to overlay every social interaction. "Trust me, I understand what you mean. You can love people in different ways. It's just... sometimes other people don't get that." Especially when you've slept with the other person.

Soh sighed, leaning back on her hands to look up at the sky. "Sorry, I'm not being much help. Look, if you want to be with Caly, then be with Caly. But just know that it might mean some distance from Flora. And if you want to be Flora's friend, that might mean losing your shot with Caly. I can't tell you what to do. I'm obviously biased. But I guess - whatever you decide, know that I'll take care of Flora as best as I can."