[SE] stained glass windows in my mind

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

To Soh's credit, she really did try to rein in her emotions, but at the knowledge that Koa had been around and not even bothered to drop her a letter, hurt crept in to replace the feelings she thought she'd rooted out. She was glad to hear he was alive, of course, because that had crossed her mind a time or two - but there was a bitterness about his distance that she wasn't sure she wanted to get into. Not when she and Zavien were having a perfectly lovely time.

Her face softened at the mention of the accident. At least Koa had been there for his friend - when she'd been off gallivanting across the world. But she shoved that guilt aside, studying her ice cream, drawing designs in the remaining melted liquid with her spoon. "No," she said softly. It was almost mournful, and she took a shaky breath before adding, "Not since we retook the city and Tarak -" Pressing her lips together to quell any trembling, she huffed out a breath. "He sent me a letter. Back in Leafchange." Gods, had it been almost a year? How was she still this broken up over his absence? "He said he wanted to meet up, but when I replied to his letter, he just... disappeared."

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

It was Zavien's turn to offer a hand, brief and comforting across her arm. He couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a companion, although he had somewhat of an idea after being without his own for so long. It had felt like he was missing half of his soul, like a darkness had taken its place, overshadowing any form of joy. 

His mind brushed against the bond as if he was reassuring himself that it was still there, spotting Sol in his peripheral, licking his chops clean of whipped cream. 

Zavien dipped his head, shamed of the thoughts he'd had, of suspecting so little of what Soh was going through. "I'm sorry. I hadn't realized he was so silent." He narrowed his eyes, confusion passing as he shook his head. "And I don't know why he wouldn't meet after asking you..." It didn't sound like Koa, especially knowing the history the two of them had, and how much he cared for her. 

After a moment of hesitation and deep contemplation, Zavien quietly voiced his question, "Do you think it has anything to do with Flora and Kai?"

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

Zavien's hand on Soh's arm made her blink with surprise, unused to having such easy comfort offered by anyone other than Flora, these days. She offered a wavering smile in response as she set down her now-empty cup of ice cream. "I know - I know it's not like him, and gods do I want there to be some explanation, but..." She trailed off. After so long, what could possibly have kept him away if he wanted to be with her?

At the mention of Flora and Kai, though, Soh's heart stuttered. She frowned, brow furrowing. Why would Flora and Kai matter? Sure, it was a little awkward, given the tangled history, but if Koa was over Flora and had wanted to give things a try with Soh... except maybe he wasn't over Flora. The realization hit her like ice water, and she was momentarily speechless. Suddenly, Koa's reluctance to commit to a relationship with Soh made a lot more sense.

She wasn't sure why she'd never realized before.

"W-what - was Koa still in love with Flora?" she blurted, mortification beginning to set in. Did everyone know about this except for her? Had she been pining over someone who was in love with someone else? Maybe that's why he wanted to see her. Maybe he wanted to end things before they even began. Did Flora know? Bitter hurt and betrayal rose like bile in her throat. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears. "Oh, gods -" she gasped, withdrawing her hands from the tabletop to clench them in her lap. She was going to be sick.

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

Other than the fleeting reassurance of his physical presence, Zavien had no answers for Soh, no way to ease her mind about what Koa might be up to or why he'd chosen not to meet with her. It baffled him just as much, specifically recalling how the Dragoon had been so conflicted about the Ambassador. Despite all the confusion, Zavien had never doubted that Koa cared for her, or that he'd do everything in his power to protect her. 

He saw the shift, watched as horror and panic burst across her face at the question, blue eyes impossibly wide. It was almost like he could see the fear zigzagging across her thoughts. She withdrew, the woman shrinking in the shadow of imagined catastrophe. 

Zavien couldn't stand to see it, immediately leaning forward to interject, hand splayed across the table in a calming motion. "Woah. I don't know about that." His voice was low, measured in the tone he often used with panicking rookie soldiers. Setting aside his own empty bowl, he gave Soh his full, undivided attention, trying to find the words that would alleviate her anxieties. "He never told me much about their history, only that it was over." Shaking his head, he urged his to look into his eyes as he said, "He only ever talked about you."

Softly, Zavien eased the information forward, presenting it as another likely possibility. "I only asked because... even if he's over Flora, it might be weird for his cousin to date his ex." Pursing his lips, he added cautiously, "It sounded like Koa was avoiding Kai, and I don't know if they ever patched things." It wasn't like Koa to run from a problem or a fight, but he didn't know the extent of things or what might have triggered him.

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

Okay, so maybe she'd overreacted.

Zavien's hurried reassurance gave her pause. A part of her balked at his words, because he was Koa's friend and of course he'd be doing damage control. But she liked to think that maybe Zavien was her friend, too, and he had no reason to lie to her. He never would have asked her about Flora and Kai in the first place if he'd known this would be her reaction. Right?

So she slowly unclenched her fists, taking a deep breath. "Sorry -" she said, a tremor in her voice. "I just... I really felt like we had a chance this time, so when he just disappeared into thin air, I..." Assumed the worst. Shame flooded her, bringing a tinge of pink to her cheeks. Huffing an unamused laugh, she scrubbed her hands over her cheeks. "It's all weird, you know? Koa and I have history, and Koa and Flora have history, and Flora's my best friend and Kai's his cousin and it's all a mess."

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

There was evidence to prove Zavien wouldn't lie under any circumstances, and this situation wasn't about to change that. Soh deserved the truth. It just so happened that Koa gave him sufficient ammunition to ensure he could do so while comforting Soh. 

Shaking his head to dismiss the apology, he "Just because he isn't here doesn't mean he doesn't want to be." The smile he offered was gentle and encouraging, hoping to share some of the optimism he usually possessed in abundance - that seemed to be in shorter supply as of late. Still, he added, "We won't know until we ask." Until then, they'd have to keep faith in their friend, believing he had good reasons in the end. 

"It is a little confusing." His body moved in silent laughter that didn't take hold, even as the smile lingered, sappy in the way that made his romantic heart impossible to deny. "But as long as people are happy in the end..." He shrugged his shoulders, not sure what else to say when he had so little experience in the area of romance. It wasn't his place to judge what people did in their love lives, especially when it didn't involve him.

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

Soh wasn't sure that anyone had ever said that to her before - that maybe Koa wanted to be here, even though he couldn't be for whatever reason. She certainly hadn't thought it herself. Maybe it was a lingering doubt that he could or would look past their shared history, that there was too much baggage for them to ever even dream of having a future. Maybe she was just waiting for her hopes to crumble like ash in her mouth, because it seemed like she was cursed when it came to finding love. "No, you're right." She straightened a little in her chair. "I guess I was just waiting for things to go wrong, because timing has never been on our side before." She made a face. "But that doesn't mean I shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt."

As for the confusing nature of the situation in which they found themselves, Soh snorted a laugh of her own. "Right, I think that's what matters. Is everyone happy? Then surely we can learn to live with a little awkwardness. I mean, Flora's my best friend, and we've managed even though we both have a history with Koa." She shrugged a shoulder. "I guess it just... doesn't feel so big and scary when you love somebody enough to make it work. Whether that's romantic or platonic, you know?"

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

His smile softened, understanding both sides of the coin and the strength necessary to fuel the banking hope. "We all deserve a little grace sometimes." Gods knew he'd screwed up enough times. From the person making assumptions to the one failing to act within expectations, everyone could use some patience and understanding. 

Soh's agreeance was encouraging, a sign that perhaps he'd done something right, managed to calm someone when everything felt like it was falling apart. But darker thoughts still lingered, her words stirring memories of a fleeting love that he couldn't save no matter how much he cared. Straightening, he shifted the falling expression to supportive consensus. "Exactly." Awkward histories be screwed. 

Glancing between their empty ice cream cups, he looked out to the sweltering sunlight, not looking forward to the journey ahead. But he knew what needed to be done, resolute and resigned as he turned to Soh. "If you're done, we should probably get going."

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

With their awkward exchange out of the way and behind them, and Soh feeling more settled - and perhaps a bit sheepish for her outburst - it was time to go. She looked out into the sweltering sun and nodded her agreement; they cleaned up their table, depositing their trash into a nearby bin, and then made their way to the Celestine. Soh wondered how painful it was for Zavien to come back here, after everything that had happened, but he seemed resolute enough. Figuring it wouldn't do any good to dredge up painful memories, she remained quiet, offering only a brief word of encouragement when they parted for Zavien to pray.

She didn't wander far, feeling ill at ease in the Celestine after Lena's death. For one, it didn't feel right without her friend tending the animals, but for another... well, if Lena could die here, then so could she. It wasn't long before Zavien returned, and as soon as Soh saw him, she rushed to his side. "How did it go?" she asked, hope still shining in her eyes. "Did Safrin answer?"

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

Each step towards the Celestine dragged, reluctant. He subconsciously fell into the familiar path, his mind nearly stumbling along the same line of thought that he'd had when he walked it: How was Lena doing? Were there any interesting cases today? What should they eat for dinner? It was so natural for so long, trying to bubble to the surface as they trekked to the shrine. 

He managed to stave it off, instead perseverating on the issue at hand, the earthquakes that continued to plague them and what it might mean. Every possibility turned worse, his panic rising from the multitude of stressors until he felt lightheaded form the effort of shoving them down, his breaths quickening nearly imperceptibly. 

By the time they arrived at the entrance, Zavien knew he needed to move quickly. His thoughts felt worse than any reality could be, slowly trying to suck the faith and positivity from him. But Safrin would know what to do. She would have the answers. She could fix this. 

Leaving Sol to keep Soh company, he moved at a brisk walk to summon the goddess, an offering tucked in his pocket. 

---

See: trembling in my heart

---

The way back was slower than before, moving at a sluggish pace - although maybe that was time slowing. Zavien wasn't sure. Everything felt numb, the reality only taking root because of his need to act. Because he hadn't been given a solution to their problem, he wasn't going to offer Stormbreak the comfort it desired. The only news he brought was tragedy and devastation. 

His head hung low, lost in a moment of private grief before he'd have to tuck the emotions away again, to stifle them and make room for the responsibilities that came with saving his people. And it all started with telling one person. If he could do it once, he could do it a thousand times. 

Sol's chirp is what finally drew his attention, Zavien stopping as he realized Soh stood directly in front of him, just far enough away to keep him from losing composure. The question worked through his brain on a delayed filter, giving him a moment to swallow before he nodded solemnly. Nothing in his expression gave the impression of good news. There was a darkness to his eyes, turning them the green of fallen pine needles. His jaw clenched tight, attempting to hold together the pain and heartbreak looking for cracks in his defenses. The slope of his mouth was low, crestfallen and wishing it could stay closed. 

"She said - " He ran a hand through his hair, rough and tugging at the lightened strands like it might keep his emotions in check. "The Void infection went deeper than we thought." He couldn't find the words to describe the fractures Safrin had seen, the roots Dahlia and her infection had dug into the heart of their city. It wouldn't change the reality, the truth that he'd have to reveal with some semblance of strength and reliability. 

Zavien sucked in a breath through his teeth, lifting his gaze to the bright sunlight beating down on them as if it could dry the dampness that finally pushed to the surface. "Stormbreak is crumbling." The hand in his hair tightened into a fist, giving him something to feel beyond the carving open of his insides, the despair threatening to take hold as he said, "We have a few weeks at most." Unable to say more until he recruited more strength, Zavien paused, taking deep breaths and waiting for the crushing weight to land on Soh, uncertain how he would comfort her when he was barely holding on himself.

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

As Soh darted to Zavien's side, she took in the set of his shoulders, the way his head dipped with something that looked suspiciously like grief. She recognized the way he steeled himself to share the news with her, if only because she had once shouldered similar burdens. And still it did not occur to her that Safrin's warning would be so dire, that they would have no path of recourse. She merely frowned, wondering how difficult the path set before them would be.

And then the Commander was speaking, doing his best to hold it together for them both as Soh's world shattered around her.

Stormbreak was crumbling. Because of the Void infection. Because she had been too weak to keep hold of the city when the Family had come to call. It all traced back to her inability to maintain her position, the ease with which she'd been captured.

It was all her fault.

A crushing grief crashed over her. She lifted a hand to her lips as she took a sharp breath, the sudden inhalation feeling like a knife between her ribs. My fault, my fault, my fault -

When she opened her mouth to speak, no sound came out. Her thoughts spiraled, fracturing around different thoughts and ideas. Was there nothing Safrin could do? And if not Safrin, then maybe Vi? Someone, anyone - there had to be some solution that they simply weren't seeing, some way to save their home. But if there was... then why would Zavien look as broken as Soh felt?

She turned sharply away, wrapping her arms around her midriff as though to hold herself together, unable to look Zavien in the eye when she was certain she would find only blame and dismay there to mirror her own. Without Tarak, there was nothing to tether her, nothing to help contain the myriad emotions swirling in the depths of her mind.

But she had failed Zavien before, and something in her rebelled against doing so again. She would not ask him to comfort her when this was a grave of her own making.

Somehow, she managed a hoarse whisper: "There's nothing we can do?"

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

It was impossible for him to focus, the information still rattling through his brain worse than any of the earthquakes that had captured Stormbreak. Any semblance of control threatened to fall from the shelves of his mind, crashing and shattering in a deafening sound. Through the cacophony, Zavien barely had the capacity to see Soh's underlying distress. The devastation and heartbreak were expected, his eyes registering that for what it was; but he couldn't read the guilt, the self-blame gripping her, not when he was still grasping his own emotions, wondering what he could have done differently. 

He didn't chase Soh, giving her space to process while he strengthened his resolve to do what was needed. His head shook at her question - his hand finally falling from his hair with the motion - giving the answer despite the treacherous path Safrin had presented regardless. "There is a slim possibility that we could save the city, if we recruited the help of others and pushed every Breaker to work nonstop for the next few weeks. Safrin said it might be saved." Knowing how painful false hope could be, Zavien didn't let the option take root. 

Taking a deep breath, he braced for the truth of what the goddess had said. "But," lifting his eyes to Soh, he didn't sugarcoat the reality, "the risk of loss would be great, the damages extensive, and the death toll immeasurable." They needed to put aside their own wishes to save a place, and his tone softened as he explained, "For the good of the people, we have to use what little time we have left to evacuate, to get everyone out."

The confession hit harder, a pain stabbing through his chest as he vocalized the difficult conclusion he'd come to, simplifying it with a shaking breath. "Soh, we have to leave."

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.

Got no plans and I've got no money
Gone are the days of milk and honey

What could she have done differently? How could her actions have prevented this particular outcome?

Soh started to pace, gnawing at her lower lip as she delved deeper into her thoughts. Back and forth she went, processing the seemingly insurmountable task ahead of them and already coming to the same conclusion as Zavien before he even began to speak. Only a few weeks, Safrin had told him - not enough time to save the city, not without jeopardizing everyone and everything in it. Not without risking everything they'd tried so hard to protect.

Her steps stuttered to a halt. She lifted glistening silver eyes to meet Zavien's green, but her voice didn't shake when she repeated, "We have to leave." A single, heavy exhale was all the grief she allowed herself before packing it all away, shoving her emotions into the back of her mind, where she could process it all later - or not at all.

"Okay," she said, wheels in her mind turning now for a new reason, running the numbers, planning the logistics, focusing on the things she could control, because her feelings about Stormbreak's impending demise were not among those things right now. "We need to start evacuations immediately." Drumming her fingers on her thigh, she looked up at Zavien. "I spoke with Deimos a few days ago, right after the tremors started. Halo is willing to take evacuees. I haven't confirmed with Flora or Sunjata, but I suspect that Torchline and King's End will, too. The Hollowed Grounds are the only place I'm unsure of. I can send letters to confirm who will or won't take people."

Green eyes and a head of gold
I'll give you two dollars if you save my soul

Sohalia

Zavien

He couldn't express how much he admired Soh in that moment. He knew how much strength it took to push through, felt the effort firsthand as he shoved the crippling emotions lower to focus on the needs of others. There were no doubts that it would catch them off guard later, cutting their legs out from under them when they least expected it. 

For now, they both came to the same conclusion, putting the Breakers first above every connection they had with the physical place they'd called home all their lives. Zavien latched onto the purpose, nodding along with her list of next steps, a soldier stepping onto the battlefield. His spine straightened, a stoic breath entering his lungs, his tone solidifying into something calm and confident. "I already have a meeting scheduled with Flora tomorrow. I can ask her then." He ignored the lingering tremor in his hand, vaguely aware that Sol had come to lean against his leg. 

"Maybe I can speak with Sunjata, if you want to focus on getting notices up and reaching out to the Hollowed Grounds." The thoughts raced, finally finding direction in the chaos. "We'll have to organize extra skyships and transport as well. We can't overwhelm the ports and risk people getting stuck..." Listing through a few other priorities, Zavien eventually ran out of ideas, a gap forming in the ironclad focus as he looked to Soh, allowing a moment of quiet hope. "We'll get through this." Whether he said the words for her or him didn't matter. He knew deep in his soul that they would find a way to help the people with this tragic transition.

A flower cannot blossom without sunshine,
and man cannot live without love.