Hotaru
I don’t care, I’m in love
(Stop before it’s too late)
This night can be seen in two different ways; the inevitable backslide after a strong forward march of healing and discovery, or the masquerading of inner feelings as something necessary for the sake of pursuit. Hotaru is tired trying to figure out which she falls into. Tired of trying to analyze herself down to the last atom in the vain hopes of asserting enough impartial control over her own actions to prevent the cataclysmic events of years before. Though she’d been a controlling woman before, now it has become a complex, a twisted web that means she must oversee and judge her own decisions and eternally find them lacking. It means she can’t trust herself. (Stop before it’s too late)
But in her mind she sees this is a necessary test. He had promised not to leave, and she doesn’t intend to even after this, which means there is a presumed measure of safety that secures her against abandonment. Now, by kissing him, she can swiftly figure out if she truly is broken; if even Sunjata can’t make her feel anything anymore, when she knows she feels more for him than any other person on this earth, then there is no hope for her. Otherwise, she’ll feel something, reassuring that she still can but also hopefully providing a barometer for the ‘why hadn’t she before’. And, lastly, whether or not she has any hope of finally closing that door that has stood open and wanting for four years.
His hand cups her face. She tilts her head and sees him backlit by stars, moonlight creating a halo around his mussed hair. There, in her chest, is the fondness she always feels and has grown used to weathering the pain of. Everything so far is bearable. Normal.
Then he kisses her.
And she feels something come untethered, and glassy eyes spill over.
And I still don’t know why it’s happening
(But I make the same old mistakes)
(But I make the same old mistakes)
