I know you don't wanna turn me into your puppet
Jude sits in the silence that hangs after her apology, considering. It's not something he thinks can't be forgiven. She'd hurt him, yes, but she'd been going through a terrible thing herself. What use would there be in holding a grudge? Besides, he doesn't want either of them to be hurt by this. So he merely squeezes her hand and musters up a smile. "I forgive you." He doesn't quantify it or say something such as 'next time tell me' because he hopes she'll do it naturally, without it coming across as snide. He trusts that she doesn't want to hurt him, either, so it will have to be enough.
Admittedly, Jude is also expecting a denial. When it doesn't come, his stomach sinks. Jude knows he has deeply sown issues with broken promises and lies given his upbringing, and he's terrified to hear what she has to say. Except it's nothing he could have ever anticipated - again.
He drops her hand. He has to, because he has to run both his hands through his hair, pulling subtly on the roots to try and force his thoughts into place.
"I...that's so much to take in at once," he objects weakly. Gods above her nose is still fucking broken. "I promised you you'd never lose me even if we broke up. I promised." And he surely must look distraught, because promises to Jude are everything, because he doesn't believe in the promises of other people. All he's hearing is repetitive proof that she doesn't trust him, and it hurts so badly he's having difficulty focusing on just her, pushing the boundaries of his inherent selflessness. "So do you want to be with him instead? You - I mean, you said you're only monogamous." He can feel his heart cracking, and he doesn't know what to do about it, doesn't know how to stop it. "It's normal to still have feelings but we've been together for months. And I thought you only went on two dates?" Or had she hidden that, too?
Coherency has clearly gone out the window because his questions are jumbled, more a stream of consciousness than anything else. "I didn't flirt with him last time I saw him because we chose to be monogamous. I adapted that part of me because we talked about it and that's what we decided." He hadn't considered it a sacrifice because he loves her, but that's what he had done. "Have you been flirting with him? Is that why you know you still like him? You see that - that that's wrong, right?" His voice thickens and quakes, trying to be logical and communicative, mature and put-together, the way his parents always told him to be. But it's not working. And now he's seeing Koa in a different light too, and that hurts just as badly. "And Gods, look what he did to you!" One hand leaves his hair to weakly gesture towards her face. "Was it even an accident?" Was that just another thing she had seen fit to not tell him? That things were worse - or better? - than he'd thought between them?
Admittedly, Jude is also expecting a denial. When it doesn't come, his stomach sinks. Jude knows he has deeply sown issues with broken promises and lies given his upbringing, and he's terrified to hear what she has to say. Except it's nothing he could have ever anticipated - again.
He drops her hand. He has to, because he has to run both his hands through his hair, pulling subtly on the roots to try and force his thoughts into place.
"I...that's so much to take in at once," he objects weakly. Gods above her nose is still fucking broken. "I promised you you'd never lose me even if we broke up. I promised." And he surely must look distraught, because promises to Jude are everything, because he doesn't believe in the promises of other people. All he's hearing is repetitive proof that she doesn't trust him, and it hurts so badly he's having difficulty focusing on just her, pushing the boundaries of his inherent selflessness. "So do you want to be with him instead? You - I mean, you said you're only monogamous." He can feel his heart cracking, and he doesn't know what to do about it, doesn't know how to stop it. "It's normal to still have feelings but we've been together for months. And I thought you only went on two dates?" Or had she hidden that, too?
Coherency has clearly gone out the window because his questions are jumbled, more a stream of consciousness than anything else. "I didn't flirt with him last time I saw him because we chose to be monogamous. I adapted that part of me because we talked about it and that's what we decided." He hadn't considered it a sacrifice because he loves her, but that's what he had done. "Have you been flirting with him? Is that why you know you still like him? You see that - that that's wrong, right?" His voice thickens and quakes, trying to be logical and communicative, mature and put-together, the way his parents always told him to be. But it's not working. And now he's seeing Koa in a different light too, and that hurts just as badly. "And Gods, look what he did to you!" One hand leaves his hair to weakly gesture towards her face. "Was it even an accident?" Was that just another thing she had seen fit to not tell him? That things were worse - or better? - than he'd thought between them?
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Jude
