I know you don't wanna turn me into your puppet
In some ways, the way she subsides and gathers herself together does help, even before she finds clarity in her words. Jude goes still beneath her hand, his own falling away from his hair to fall limp at his sides like a quieted wild horse, awaiting her bidding now that she has bridled him. He doesn't think it's a good reaction, a healthy one, but at least it quiets the noise in his head.
Still - he trusts, and trusts, and trusts again. Nods silently as she promises to try and be better, accepting it readily. "I'm sorry I reacted badly," he murmurs, not knowing how not to apologize for himself even when he has arguably done nothing wrong. Doesn't know how not to try and absolve her of all guilt, even if it means taking it onto himself.
Jude isn't going to say anything. Isn't planning on telling her how it all makes him feel. Right now, he just wants to figure out their next steps, and it goes something like this: talk, fix her nose, have Sohalia talk to Koa, and follow along with whatever the two of them decide after that. It's pathetic maybe, but he'll do anything to make her happy.
Until she tells him he's allowed to be upset. Staring down at his feet, Jude considers whether squashing down his own emotions is similarly dishonest in the way he had been so hurt by in her own actions. "I'm not angry," he clarifies in a tiny voice. "I'm..." he doesn't know how to word it without it all coming out in a rush. He stands there languishing in strangled silence for a few long moments. "It's hard not to...assume. The worst, that is." Even his breaths are stuttering in paroxysms of anxiety and restraint. "If you'd said this before, I would have understood. But since you waited - even if you only figured it out today - it feels like you only want to change up the rules so you can be with him." The next inhale is a tortured hiccup as he stares at the toes of their shoes on the stoop. Gods, they're still on the stoop.
"Like you're just now realizing that maybe the grass is greener, you know? And I know it's not that. Or, I think it is." Jude isn't sure he knows anything with certainty anymore actually. "And that hurts because I know he's great. I think he's great too." Maybe would have pined after him, pathetic and shy, if he had never met Sohalia. "So it's hard not to think 'of course she changed her mind'. Even when you say you love me. Even when you say you'll choose me over him." He finally lifts his eyes and gives her a tiny, pained smile. "It's just that little voice in my head that hates me taking all of this as proof and using it to say all the things that hurt the worst. Even when you say something different." And it's hard to trust her right now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't trust her at all. "It's hard not to feel like I'm just what's safe, but he's what you really want. And that that's why you're bringing it up now instead of earlier. Why you can't forget him." Even if they'd only had two dates compared to months of friendship and romance between Jude and Sohalia.
Still - he trusts, and trusts, and trusts again. Nods silently as she promises to try and be better, accepting it readily. "I'm sorry I reacted badly," he murmurs, not knowing how not to apologize for himself even when he has arguably done nothing wrong. Doesn't know how not to try and absolve her of all guilt, even if it means taking it onto himself.
Jude isn't going to say anything. Isn't planning on telling her how it all makes him feel. Right now, he just wants to figure out their next steps, and it goes something like this: talk, fix her nose, have Sohalia talk to Koa, and follow along with whatever the two of them decide after that. It's pathetic maybe, but he'll do anything to make her happy.
Until she tells him he's allowed to be upset. Staring down at his feet, Jude considers whether squashing down his own emotions is similarly dishonest in the way he had been so hurt by in her own actions. "I'm not angry," he clarifies in a tiny voice. "I'm..." he doesn't know how to word it without it all coming out in a rush. He stands there languishing in strangled silence for a few long moments. "It's hard not to...assume. The worst, that is." Even his breaths are stuttering in paroxysms of anxiety and restraint. "If you'd said this before, I would have understood. But since you waited - even if you only figured it out today - it feels like you only want to change up the rules so you can be with him." The next inhale is a tortured hiccup as he stares at the toes of their shoes on the stoop. Gods, they're still on the stoop.
"Like you're just now realizing that maybe the grass is greener, you know? And I know it's not that. Or, I think it is." Jude isn't sure he knows anything with certainty anymore actually. "And that hurts because I know he's great. I think he's great too." Maybe would have pined after him, pathetic and shy, if he had never met Sohalia. "So it's hard not to think 'of course she changed her mind'. Even when you say you love me. Even when you say you'll choose me over him." He finally lifts his eyes and gives her a tiny, pained smile. "It's just that little voice in my head that hates me taking all of this as proof and using it to say all the things that hurt the worst. Even when you say something different." And it's hard to trust her right now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't trust her at all. "It's hard not to feel like I'm just what's safe, but he's what you really want. And that that's why you're bringing it up now instead of earlier. Why you can't forget him." Even if they'd only had two dates compared to months of friendship and romance between Jude and Sohalia.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Jude
