I know you don't wanna turn me into your puppet
He merely nods mutely to her reassurance that he has done nothing wrong. It still feels that way. Should he have pushed, when they talked about polyamory? Investigated more thoroughly her feelings about the breakup with Koa? Surely he had missed something that could have prevented this heartache.
If she were to reach for him even he doesn't know how he would react. All he knows is she doesn't, and they're left standing on a shared slab of three feet of concrete at best with what feels like a ravine of space between them. Space that her words slowly help to diminish, as made clear by the way he can meet her eyes halfway through and manage to hold them. He doesn't feel too good for her, as often he feels he doesn't deserve her. It's a hilariously sad match-up, the two of them.
"That was never a requirement of mine. It still isn't," he murmurs, and slowly reaches up to take the hand she has laid on his arm back into his own. "I've never even found someone attractive other than you and Koa. It's not like I don't understand. The timing is just...bad." It forces the poly discussion into a context that too easily makes all this seem like a convoluted way of Sohalia getting what she wants without having to sacrifice or make a choice. But that is a level of cruelty Jude can't fathom putting into words, even if a cruel voice whispers it in the back of his head. "But if realizing you still have feelings is the wake-up call to re-evaluating your stance on monogamy then we start there." He tries for a smile, though his eyes are red. Dry, but clearly emotional. "Just...do some thinking? I think you need to figure out if this is like, 'the grass is greener' thoughts or something real." It's inelegantly phrased, but Jude doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else right now. "And then consider if you think polyamory is something that appeals to you. And then, well - if it is, then you talk to Koa first. It might not even be relevant if he won't agree." His smile is strained, and almost pleading, as he squeezes her hand slightly. "I just...don't wanna be involved till then. I don't want to influence you, but I also need some time myself." Time to decide whether he's ready for it if it does end up on the table, now that timing has added unwitting context to the situation.
"I'm not mad, or breaking up with you, or anything. I think I just need to be away while you figure it out and talk to him?" He doesn't mean to phrase it like a question, like he's asking her permission, but he's equally scared she won't understand why he needs the distance.
If she were to reach for him even he doesn't know how he would react. All he knows is she doesn't, and they're left standing on a shared slab of three feet of concrete at best with what feels like a ravine of space between them. Space that her words slowly help to diminish, as made clear by the way he can meet her eyes halfway through and manage to hold them. He doesn't feel too good for her, as often he feels he doesn't deserve her. It's a hilariously sad match-up, the two of them.
"That was never a requirement of mine. It still isn't," he murmurs, and slowly reaches up to take the hand she has laid on his arm back into his own. "I've never even found someone attractive other than you and Koa. It's not like I don't understand. The timing is just...bad." It forces the poly discussion into a context that too easily makes all this seem like a convoluted way of Sohalia getting what she wants without having to sacrifice or make a choice. But that is a level of cruelty Jude can't fathom putting into words, even if a cruel voice whispers it in the back of his head. "But if realizing you still have feelings is the wake-up call to re-evaluating your stance on monogamy then we start there." He tries for a smile, though his eyes are red. Dry, but clearly emotional. "Just...do some thinking? I think you need to figure out if this is like, 'the grass is greener' thoughts or something real." It's inelegantly phrased, but Jude doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else right now. "And then consider if you think polyamory is something that appeals to you. And then, well - if it is, then you talk to Koa first. It might not even be relevant if he won't agree." His smile is strained, and almost pleading, as he squeezes her hand slightly. "I just...don't wanna be involved till then. I don't want to influence you, but I also need some time myself." Time to decide whether he's ready for it if it does end up on the table, now that timing has added unwitting context to the situation.
"I'm not mad, or breaking up with you, or anything. I think I just need to be away while you figure it out and talk to him?" He doesn't mean to phrase it like a question, like he's asking her permission, but he's equally scared she won't understand why he needs the distance.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Jude
