{se} feels like I'm sleepwalking when you're gone

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

Admittedly the differing textures of scales, skin, hair, even blankets and the warmth from the fire, they all help ground and calm her in ways she’s learned to focus on whenever anxiety threatens to consume her. Right now she feels rather levelheaded, but there’s unmistakable trepidation as she puts herself out there first, heart on the table.

Listening quietly, attentively, Ru tries to keep down her reactions to a minimal and unobtrusive level while he talks even if her heart twists a bit with hope to hear their similarities. She wants to tell him he’s no villain, just a victim of circumstance and a heart pre-designed to sacrifice anything for love. But what good is her opinion? No matter how clearly she sees him, others never will.

At least it’s tempered by the flare of possessiveness she feels, which does make her lip twitch to reveal the verb tips of ivory fangs before she can help it. For a moment that same mix of embarrassment and shame returns, but his hand rises to cover her own and that touch alone has her mind going quiet and placid once more. Even managing a small smile in regards to Frey. “I have as well.” Though only once and likely not as involved as sex between demigod and creator must be. “And of all the heralds to sleep with, I trust Frey the most. But my only line in the sand is deals.” And this is where it gets hard to broach the topic, the oldest and deepest pain lying in wait here. “No major deals without communication. And definitely no children. I can’t - if kids are ever in the equation, they have to be decided on together.” Whether that’s birth or adoption. She can’t handle that level of betrayal again.

But she doesn’t want to linger in the past, she wants to focus on the future. “As for us, if we want there to be an us,” she amends, not wanting to assume even the smallest thing and ruin it all, “would we…start like normal people? Dates, courting?” It seems outlandish given there’s nothing a date would unveil that they wouldn’t already know, but she’s too cowardly to ask how he feels about the alternative.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide