A Devil's Bargain

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

If Jude were here to fight anyone on anything, it wouldn't be Koa. He has found himself unwittingly on the young man's side through all of this - which is perhaps why he's standing here now, hoping Koa will help him despite all the reasons he shouldn't.

He hadn't realized how weak his knees were until Koa moved around the desk to guide him into a chair, and then it was more of a fall than a steady descent into it. Usually Jude has difficulties looking people in the eyes, but Koa's steady hands and wrinkled brow keep him captivated, helping to keep the panicked rabbiting of his heart manageable. He trusts him, even if maybe he shouldn't, and that's why he wouldn't speak to anyone else about this.

"Not anymore, but it might be something bigger." How does he even begin to explain what that means? Opening the top of the bag in his lap, Jude holds it up slightly to show Koa the bloodied clothes within. His clothes. "My brother - he was missing for a few months, and I've been trying to find him by traveling around. And I did. Find him, that is. In the Oerwoud." It comes out graceless and twisted, and Jude frowns at the bloodied garments in his bag, wishing he was more eloquent. "But a group of people attacked us." His throat burns, but Jude isn't sure if it's from twisting the tale or the memory of all that blood, his brother's calm acceptance of the dead bodies in the undergrowth. Regardless, it makes tears spring to his eyes, and he has to swallow repeatedly and look away to blink quickly, not wanting Koa to look down on him for being so easily overwhelmed. "I - I Channelled a spirit, and my brother protected us - but they wouldn't stop. He had to kill them." This time there's no hiding the queasiness in his tone, because Jude can't stop envisioning bloodied claws and shredded bodies, and he can't speak any further as a lump forms in his throat that makes him choke as he tries to swallow it down.

Turning his eyes to Koa - bloodshot and thick with tears - he is overcome with guilt and a selfish need for comfort he can't possibly ask for from someone who has been so irrevocably drawn into the mess of Jude's young relationship. "I-I'm sorry," his voice cracks, and he wishes he could contain all his perceived sins in that one plea for forgiveness.

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude