A Devil's Bargain

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought

Maybe Jude should have counted the bodies before he came, but given he is barely holding bile in his empty stomach instead of his mouth just from the memory of their broken figures, he thinks maybe he can be forgiven. Or so he hopes - prays. Edmund is counting on him for this. It's all on him. And Jude can feel the weight of it crushing him down into the uncomfortable chair he sits in, making it hard to breathe - is it stuffy in here? It seems like no matter how fast he tries to draw air in, there isn't enough.

And then suddenly Koa is there, though Jude doesn't recall seeing him move. The heavy, warm hand on his back seems to be the ticket to helping him breathe, and Jude stares with too-wide, unblinking eyes at the young man by his side, hoping to the gods he doesn't leave again. Just as that day in the Plaza, Koa's inner strength and certainty seem to shine in his face, keeping Jude captivated and complacent. Without his noticing, the sickness retreats, visions of gore and death replaced with copper eyes and warm skin.

"How do you do this every day?" he asks, voice trembling. How are you able to still be so calm, so enviable? Tell me, tell me how to be like you. Jude's hand moves without his permission to hook two fingers into the front of Koa's shirt, clinging. No wonder Sohalia loves you. No wonder you tempt her - tempt me. "What...what do I do next?" For the questioning, yes, but also in general. Jude has never felt so lost at sea, and only Koa is keeping him grounded.

I'm standing at the edge of the world
Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?

Jude